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“Jira, baby? Who’s that man, the one dancing with Daniel earlier? He was the one that got arrested at the walk-out, wasn’t he?”
Jira nodded, pressing her tongue against her teeth. She hesitated before answering Tia, and then decided to go with the truth and the only thing she knew for sure. “Mr. Bhatt, my lit teacher.”
“Hmm” was Tia’s only response.
They both stared in the direction of Jira’s dad for a moment. He and Mr. Bhatt were standing at one of the tall tables set up for the party, two drinks between them and leaning far closer to each other than necessary, as far as Jira was concerned. The music wasn’t that loud.
The party was winding down anyway. Very few people remained. Matthew and Riley were out on the dance floor, Matthew doing the sprinkler and Riley the cabbage patch. Jira had thought that no one danced as poorly as her dads, but perhaps they had found their match.
“Have you talked to your dad about…it?” Tia asked, interrupting Jira’s thoughts and forcing her to think about her dad’s date again.
Jira shrugged. “In vague, hypothetical terms. I told him I was fine with him dating again when it happened. I didn’t – I didn’t realize it would be so soon. I didn’t realize it would be him.”
“You don’t like Mr. Bhatt?”
“I love Mr. Bhatt. If bio didn’t exist, his class would be my favorite. Mr. Bhatt’s great. He’s been there for my dad too; I know they’ve been friends for years and I think he really leaned on him after – you know. Mr. Bhatt might actually be…a little too perfect.”
“You wanted your dad to wait much longer, and then have some horrible rebound and be unhappy all over again?”
Jira sighed, feeling called out. “No, of course not.”
“I’m just messing with you, girl. I know it’s hard.”
“It is,” Jira agreed, moving her head somewhere between a nod and a shake. “But I can’t let him know that. Not after everything. He’s done nothing but support me through all of this.”
Tia wrapped her arm around Jira’s shoulder. Leaning into the hug, Jira sighed.
“If you ever need to talk about it, you know where to come. And who knows, it might be good for you too. More family can come from unexpected places.”
“I’m never calling him Dad,” Jira grumbled.
**
They stood in the cubby by the train door, both holding onto the same vertical bar and pretending the jolting of the track was forcing them to rock towards each other occasionally. They were chatting, but even if someone offered him a million dollars, Liam was not confident he could say what they talked about; he was pretty sure they were simply rehashing the election. He was mostly distracted by the way Daniel’s fingers were just inches above his own, but he was also acutely aware that while no one else was on the train, Jira, Matthew and Riley sat five rows back, talking loudly and pretending not to be watching Daniel and him. Liam was glad he decided to go to the party – ecstatic, really – but that still didn’t mean he wanted three of his students to see him on a first date (second? He wanted to count the other one and he wanted to forget it at the same time and start fresh. This one seemed more real, but the other was kind of unforgettable. Daniel had felt really good.).
And of course, the worst part was that one of those students watching was his date’s daughter. Who had tragically lost her other father not that long ago. He wasn’t supposed to have favorite students, but Jira was his. He was pretty sure she would have been, even if she wasn’t a part of Daniel. Unfortunately, he doubted she felt as fond of him at the moment.
Slow. Take it slow. He’d take the same approach with Jira as he would with her father. Make sure that everyone, himself included, was protected in all of this. They all deserved happiness, but they couldn’t rush it. Not again.
Damn, if he didn’t want to kiss Daniel good night though.
With that wistful thought, Liam sighed, looked over his shoulder as the train began to slow down, and then faced Daniel again. He tilted his head back somewhat awkwardly.
“This is me.”
Daniel nodded, pressing his lips together. Liam wondered what he was holding back. Did he want to say something? Did he want to kiss him too? He hoped so.
The train stopped, and the door opened, and Liam took one half-step back before wising up and turning to actually watch where he was going so he didn’t trip on the gap. He turned again, wanting to get one last glimpse before the doors closed and the train took Daniel away.
“GOOD NIGHT MR. BHATT!” came a trio of sing-song voices.
Daniel laughed that beautiful laugh of his (I want to make him smile like that all the time) and Liam shook his head in exasperation. He darted a hand in, waving at the kids just before the door closed.
Perhaps the best part of the night was later, when Daniel texted him his own good night.
**
“Ready for Mr. Bhatt’s class?” Matthew asked as he fell into step beside Jira, Riley walking around to her other side.
She inhaled deeply, exhaled, squared her shoulders and nodded. “Nope.”
“Did you talk to your dad about it?”
“Nope,” she repeated. “He tried. He’s so happy; he’s trying to hide it, but I can tell. I – couldn’t tell him I have problems with it.”
“I don’t know, Jira,” Riley pointed out, “it could be a lot worse. Like, a lot worse.”
“We probably shouldn’t talk about this in the hallway,” Jira cut her friends off pointedly.
They all looked around. No one was obviously listening, but that didn’t mean no one could hear. And if it got her out of another unwanted conversation, so much the better. She was becoming something of an expert at avoidance.
But she had really only tested her skills against her friends who would sometimes let her run away for a while and her dad who was as awkward and uncertain about the whole thing as she was. They had indeed raised her as sex-positive but those conversations had never really covered this situation. What she hadn’t taken into consideration, however, was that Mr. Bhatt didn’t take her shit. She remembered that at the end of class, when he asked her to stay behind. Which was really becoming far too frequent an occurrence.
She sent save me eyes to Matthew and Riley as they left the room, but those rat bastards did nothing. Riley even wiggled their fingers in an obnoxious wave. With a sigh, she faced Mr. Bhatt again. He was half-sitting on the edge of his desk and looking incredibly uncomfortable. He cleared his throat, picked up his tie and smoothed it down, then crossed his arms low over his stomach. Then, he finally looked at her.
“Jira, I – ”
“Mr. Bhatt, it’s OK. We don’t have to talk about this.”
Looking away again, he scratched his thumbnail across his eyebrow. “I think we do. Or should. I – your father told me he hadn’t told you – I’m sorry, that must have been – ”
“It was,” Jira interrupted, nodding like a bobblehead doll, “a…surprise. But I’m fine with it. Really.”
“So fine you refuse to talk to him about it?”
Jira reeled back in shock. “Are you two talking about me?”
“He’s just concerned. I’m concerned.”
“You don’t have the right to be. You’re not my – you’re just my teacher.”
“Jira – ”
“No, you want to screw my dad, fine. But you don’t get to – ” she took a breath, feeling shaky. “I’m sorry if it messes with your plans to just slide into our lives, but I don’t need your concern.”
“My plans?”
“How long? How long have you been waiting? Just pretending to care about me, pretending to be his friend, just so you could swoop in? I bet you were happy, weren’t you? When my dad died, you must have thought now’s your chance. He wouldn’t have even looked at you, otherwise, you know.”
Jira cut herself off, breathing heavily. She didn’t really know what she was saying. It was awful and rude and she didn’t even mean it. But she couldn’t stop herself. She was a horrible person, the worst daughter in the world for ruining this for her dad. But she couldn’t stop.
“OK,” Mr. Bhatt said, pushing off the desk and walking around the opposite side. He looked down, putting his finger on a piece of paper as if he were pretending to read it. “Go to your next class now.”
He was infuriatingly calm as he said it, the same way her dad would sound during incidents where he’d eventually say something like “I’m not mad, just disappointed” or something equally dad-like. It just made Jira more annoyed.
“I will. I actually like this one,” she declared, turning and – she was ashamed to admit – flouncing out of the room. She refused to look back.
**
Daniel was, embarrassingly, humming to himself as he sorted papers at his desk during his prep hour. Jira’s reluctance to talk aside, he was feeling pretty good, if exhausted from the night before and the last few days. Figuring out ways to use the money for good – ways that would have made Harrison proud, and Tia winning the election were both fantastic, of course, but he wouldn’t pretend like the main reason for his giddiness was anything but Liam showing up at the party. Liam kissing him. Liam texting him half the night. Liam’s small grin when he brought the coffee in this morning. Liam’s foot pressing against his underneath the lunch room table.
God, he felt like a kid again.
He knew Jira needed some time to wrap her head around it. He wished he had prepared her more, but he had been too afraid to hope that…he just didn’t want to say anything about it when it might not have ever been an issue. He knew she’d come around eventually, though. She just needed to get to a mental place where she could have the conversation, and then he’d help her through it.
“Is that Madonna?”
Daniel looked up, grinning, all thoughts of Jira neglected for a moment.
“Cher.”
“Really? And…what key is that supposed to be in?”
“Ha ha.”
Daniel stood, walking around his desk to get as close as possible while maintaining some professional decorum. He stopped even sooner than necessary, though, when he realized that Liam was a bit too stiff, a bit too formal, despite his earlier attempts at teasing.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just – I think we should…take a step back.”
Daniel’s head tilted inquisitively. “I thought we had. I thought that was why you wanted to wait before – what’s changed?”
“Have you talked to Jira yet?”
Daniel blinked. “Is that what – did she say something?”
Liam sighed, looking away.
“Liam.”
Facing him again, Liam shook his head and swallowed thickly. “She’s not ready for this, that’s all. No matter what she told you. And I won’t – I won’t become who she thinks I am.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing, just – talk to her, Daniel. And maybe in a couple weeks, or a month – ”
Daniel lost any sense of calmness, and he closed the distance between them. He wrapped one hand around the back of Liam’s head, tugging him closer until they were sharing breath, and he placed the other on Liam’s chest near his shoulder. He waited several moments, trying to calm down.
“A month?”
“Daniel, please,” Liam whispered.
“I want to be with you, in every way.”
“I – Daniel.”
If they’d been anywhere else – if it didn’t sound so much like Liam was about to start crying, he’d kiss the hell out of him, just to drive any notion of calling this off out of his head. Instead, he merely rested his forehead against Liam’s.
“I’ll talk to her, OK? I’ll talk to her. Just – be in this with me. We’ll get it figured out.”
After a long, terrifying minute, Liam just barely nodded, and Daniel felt like his heart started beating again. He really would have kissed him then, if it wasn’t for the ringing bell and the sound of students entering the corridor. He let Liam go and they stepped back far enough away from each other to appear normal.
**
Jira heard the front door slam and she knew her dad was pissed. He had every right to be, of course, although she wondered how much Mr. Bhatt would have told him. God, she hoped he didn’t tell him everything. And she hadn’t gone to her classes after the incident, so she’d probably also get in trouble for skipping on top of it.
She had gone to the cemetery to clean off the grave instead. She knew Harrison wasn’t there; there was no one and nothing to talk to. She also knew he would have wanted her dad to be happy, to find someone new. She knew he would be so disappointed in her right now.
She was disappointed in herself. After everything her dad had done, everything he supported her through, and agreed to, and forgave. This was how she reacted. And it made no sense. She liked Mr. Bhatt! She knew he wasn’t what she had painted him as.
It’s just…he had made her dad smile. And dance. And blush. That had been Harrison’s job.
“Jira!” her dad called out as he came up the stairs. She braced herself. The knock on the door was a loud banging. “Jira, open this door.”
She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut tightly as tears seeped out the corners. He began the countdown from 5 as she finally sat up and rolled off her bed. She opened the door just after 2.
Neither one of them spoke for a moment. Her dad stepped back, a wounded expression on his face that hurt far more than rage. Jira fought for some kind of response, some way to explain. When she couldn’t and just continued to stare at him, her dad pressed his lips together tightly and looked away. He shook his head, one hand on his hips and the other waving in a circle in front of his chest.
“I thought you said it’d be OK,” he finally said.
Jira placed her face in her hands, breathing raggedly against her palms. “I thought I would be,” was her muffled reply. She lifted her head imploringly. “I guess…I thought we were talking about some hypothetical future. Some unknown person who you’d meet, I don’t know, after I was already at college or something and I didn’t have to be around watching you fall in love. I didn’t think it’d be now. Him. Worse, someone who knew us before.”
Her dad barked a painful laugh, shaking his head. “So…you just wanted me to be lonely and miserable for the next few years, then.”
“No, just – I don’t know. It’s selfish. I’m sorry. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could feel better about this. I didn’t want you to know it bothered me. I wanted to give you the one thing you’ve asked of me in all this.”
She was fully crying by the time she finished, and she wasn’t surprised when her dad reached out and pulled her into a hug.
“Did he break up with you?” she all but wailed, completely uncertain which answer would upset her more.
“He tried to,” her dad whispered. “I wouldn’t let him. But…I will if – ”
“No,” Jira shook her head. “No, don’t. I like him.”
After a beat of silence, her dad sighed. “I don’t get you sometimes.”
It was unexpected and it made her exhale a weak sort of laugh. “I don’t get me sometimes either.”
They held each other for a long, long time before finally letting go. Jira reached up and wiped the drying tear marks from her cheeks. She was afraid to open it all up again, and she knew the answer to her question, but this day had been all about saying things she didn’t want to or mean to or need to.
“Do you still love Dad?” she asked.
Her dad closed his eyes, just barely shaking his head. “Yes,” his response was emphatic. He looked at her again, staring into her eyes, and he reached out to grab her hands. “God, yes. But I can’t stay back there alone in this, Jira. We can – we can both move on without rejecting or denying what we lost. Adding more family, remember? Not replacing. The heart has an enormous capacity for love and healing.”
Jira nodded in agreement. She knew that as well as he did. It basically could go without saying between them, at this point. But it was still a nice reminder. She inhaled deeply, raising her shoulders with the act, and then exhaled.
“Dinner?” she asked.
Her dad nodded, turning away to lead her downstairs and to the kitchen.
“I’ll apologize to Mr. Bhatt tomorrow,” she offered.
“Oh yes, you will,” her dad agreed. “What did you say to him anyway?”
“He didn’t tell you?” she asked, surprised.
“No.”
“Maybe…he and I can just keep that between ourselves,” she suggested.
“That bad, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
**
Liam resisted the urge to write a very argumentative comment in Angelica Barrett’s journal. He was willing to accept that students had different priorities and interests, but he just wished she spent half as much time analyzing literature as she spent on writing about what she considered his failings as a teacher. She seemed to take a perverse sort of pleasure in the fact that these journals were confidential and graded pass/fail. Some people fantasize about sex or winning the lottery. Liam fantasized about when certain students graduated and were no longer around to annoy him.
He scratched a checkmark in the corner to record the work’s completion and threw the notebook on top of the pile of finished ones. He recognized the next one to review and felt a sharp pang of emotion. Only Jira would have a notebook with a skeleton on the cover sparkling with glitter. Steeling himself, he picked it up and opened it, flipping through the pages to find the latest entry.
He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to read what she had to say to him this week, to be honest.
But the entry was brief.
I’m sorry.
He stared at it for a while, broken out of his thoughts by the girl herself saying the words out loud. He glanced up, spotting her in the door where she stood looking scared and sad and awkward as hell. Liam’s smile in response was rather wan.
“You know I can’t check this off, Miss Jira. Minimum of one page.”
“I know,” she replied, aiming and failing to achieve the same kind of nonchalance he’d spent years developing. She had a good game face, but not that good. Crossing the room quickly, she dropped into the chair across from him, sitting on the edge of the seat to make room for her backpack. “I know, but…it’s the only thing I really was feeling and wanted to say.”
Liam wrote a check in the corner of the page anyway, before tossing her journal aside and leaning forward to engage with her. He clasped his hands on top of his desk and stared at her for a moment. He gave her a lot of credit for holding eye contact with him.
After Daniel convinced him not to put a hold on things again – not that it took much convincing – Liam thought about what he’d say to Jira the next chance he got. A part of him still wanted to defend himself, and to explain that he wasn’t trying to force himself into her life and he certainly hadn’t been happy about Harrison. But the truth was if things worked out like he hoped, then he would be a part of her life for a long time. He needed to show her that he would work through her concerns, without holding them against her and without dignifying them.
Perhaps he was a little afraid she hadn’t been entirely wrong anyway.
“Jira,” he began, searching for the words. “We often lash out at the people we know won’t leave us or love us less. We ask a lot of those people. Think about how you felt able to connect with your birth family this year, because you had faith your dad wouldn’t stop loving you because of it. I hope…I’d like to think you said some of those things because you knew I would understand where you were coming from and wouldn’t hate you for them.”
“They were pretty awful things I said to you. You’d be right to hate me.”
“Mm-hmm,” Liam agreed as gently as possible so the tears he could hear in her voice wouldn’t fall. “But I’d prefer the opportunity to prove you wrong. However long it takes.”
She sighed, shaking her head expressively as she stood again and walked around the desk. He stood to meet her in a hug. They held each other quietly for a moment, before she found her voice again.
“You’re pretty great, Mr. Bhatt.”
He buried his smile in her hair. “You can call me Liam but only outside of school.”
“I didn’t think teachers had first names.”
He snorted.
**
“So, I’m going to dinner at Tia’s,” Jira reminded him unnecessarily.
Daniel nodded absent-mindedly, even as he sorted through the mail.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come?”
“Thanks, honey. Tell Tia I’ll be there next time. I’m not up for it tonight.”
“Hmm.”
Her tone was too suspicious and he did a slight double-take, realizing he’d been discovered.
“What’s up?” he hedged.
“Nothing. Just you’re talking like you’re going to veg out on the couch and fall asleep to the news, like most nights, except you got a haircut this afternoon and have two steaks thawing, so.”
Daniel blinked.
“Should I call to warn you when I leave Tia’s so I don’t walk in on anything I don’t want to see?”
Daniel rolled his eyes, turning and walking away to hide his embarrassment. “Have a good time, punchkin.”
“You too, Dad. Say hi to Mr. Bhatt.”
“You’re going to be late. Be careful on the El.”
She left then – really in the nick of time, as Liam knocked on the door less than 10 minutes later. Daniel was pretty sure happiness and excitement radiated from both of them as they grinned at each other. Finally, he remembered himself and stepped aside so Liam could come in. He held up a bottle of wine as he walked past, and Daniel nodded in approval.
“Good choice.”
It paired excellently with dinner, but tasted even better on Liam’s tongue as they made out like teenagers on the couch afterwards. Daniel opened his eyes slowly, lids heavy with arousal and pleasure, as Liam rocked his lower body, his erection dragging across Daniel’s through two layers of denim. Their labored breathing was broken by gasps and moans. Daniel reached one arm up, caressing his fingers through Liam’s hair before landing on the back of his neck. He deepened their kiss again, until Liam pulled away with a groan and buried his face in the darkness between Daniel’s head and the couch.
“I’m going to come in my pants,” he warned, laughing.
“Me too,” Daniel confirmed rather breathlessly, not nearly as embarrassed by the confession as he felt he should have been. “It’s been too long since I felt like that.”
Liam lifted his head just enough to smile bashfully at him even as he pressed his lower body down too. Daniel sighed, enjoying the sensation.
“Wanna go to the bedroom?”
“That poor enunciation is a real buzzkill.”
Daniel barked a laugh. Liam grinned back at him a moment before sobering. He dropped Daniel’s gaze and shook his head.
“Not tonight.”
“Liam – ”
“No, it’s fine. It’s just – not yet. I want to…savor this part more.”
After a moment, Daniel relaxed and smiled again. “OK. OK.”
“Don’t worry,” Liam added, dropping down to peck him on the lips. “I won’t make you wait too long. I’m not that strong.”
“I like you a lot, you know that?”
“Really? Do you like me like me?”
“Shut up.”
“Only one way to make me do that.”
Daniel took him up on the challenge, the kiss turning heated fast. They turned awkwardly, until they were side by side on the couch. Daniel pushed Liam against the back of it, feeling almost as if he were trying to trap him and keep him there forever. His arousal threatened to return full-force, but was dampened entirely when Liam reluctantly pushed him away.
“I probably should get going.”
“It’s not a school night,” Daniel pointed out, only half-teasing.
“Daniel.”
“Yeah. Yeah, OK.”
With one last kiss and a wistful sigh, Daniel rolled back, pulling himself to a seating position and standing to make room for Liam to get up. He walked him to the door and watched as Liam slipped his shoes back on. He opened the door and they stood on either side for a while, staring at each other. Liam reached out, running his hand down Daniel’s torso until his fingers hooked on his waistband, just above the part of his body that hadn’t quite got the message the evening was over. Liam sighed, closed his eyes, bit his lip, shook his head.
“Damn it,” he muttered. “What am I – you know once I get home, I’m just going to…finish. I think you’ll do the same as soon as I leave. So…”
The temptation was too strong to resist, but so was the urge to mess with him. “Nope,” Daniel said, as deadpan as possible. “You wanted to savor. Good night.”
With that, he closed the door on Liam, hearing a splutter and an incredulous laugh just as it shut. He lasted all of two seconds, not wanting to risk Liam actually believing him.
He didn’t have to worry. He was still there on the other side, looking shocked and confused, when Daniel pulled the door open again, grabbed his arm and yanked him inside. This time when the door closed, Liam was on the side he belonged.
They picked up right where they left off, barely able to make it down the hall they were kissing so passionately. Daniel forgot how to operate a zipper for one horrifying moment, and Liam had only made it halfway down the buttons of Daniel’s shirt by the time they reached the stairs. Liam laughed too hard to kiss him properly as Daniel dragged him up, tripping and nearly killing each other in the process.
The next obstacle was passing Jira’s room, the pictures and teen girl décor distracting Liam dangerously.
“When’s she getting home?”
“We have time,” Daniel confirmed, pushing him forward the last few feet until they made it through the door to his own bedroom.
He was so focused on getting his pants off the rest of the way that he didn’t notice a curious and hesitant Liam looking around. After a moment, he realized they were no longer on the same page. He followed Liam’s eyes, taking in the bed he shared with Harrison for close to half his life, the closet big enough for two people, the art Harrison had picked up at some flea market hanging above the pillows.
Daniel breathed slowly, acknowledging the step he was taking and its implications, respecting Liam’s own need to process.
“It’s OK,” he eventually murmured. “It’s OK. I – want you. I want you.”
Liam faced him again, gracing him with that soft, happy smile of his. “I want you too,” he confirmed.
He walked closer to Daniel again, but then reached past him to turn a framed photo face-down on the dresser behind Daniel. Daniel turned to glance at it, then looked at Liam again. He was more amused by the action than anything else.
“Humor me,” Liam requested.
With a rather unattractive snort, Daniel leaned forward to kiss him again. He hoped his prediction was right and they had plenty of time to savor every single moment before Jira got home. Maybe twice, if they really put forth some A+ effort.
**
Daniel hadn’t realized how close it was to spring until he was halfway through the cemetery and had to unzip his coat and take off his scarf. He hadn’t been here since shortly after the funeral, although he knew Jira went frequently. It was too difficult. Part of him wondered if burial was the right choice – would Harrison have preferred cremation or even donating his body to science, giving back to medicine? They hadn’t ever really talked about it, their deaths seeming so far away. It had been stupid, and unlike them. Completely irresponsible, even, since they both knew they’d die someday. Perhaps it was because they’d locked everything down so much over and over again – their relationship to each other and Jira, their finances, everything – as each new right was won. After securing all that, it was maybe too hard to admit there’d be a time when one of them would have to figure out how to dismantle all that they had built together.
Daniel sighed as he finally made it to the gravestone. Burial was what Jira had wanted, so that’s what he’d gone with, content in the knowledge that if it made Jira even a little happy, then it would have been what Harrison wanted. He could tell she had been there recently, as the dead leaves surrounding other markers were absent from Harrison’s. Daniel’s heart hurt in the best sort of way at the mental image of Jira cleaning it off.
He kissed the tips of his fingers, then reached out to press them to the top of the cold granite. He could almost hear Liam’s voice, and farther back in his memory, Harrison’s, scolding him for forgetting his gloves once again.
“I know this is stupid,” he began, feeling ridiculous. “Jira would be rolling her eyes at me talking to you like this – and you would be too. Except you’re not here, you’re nowhere, but I need to say this out loud and this seemed like the best spot.”
Daniel paused, gathering his thoughts. “I love you; I miss you.” His voice choked as he added, “I hate you for that bartender, by the way.” He sighed, then continued, “I forgive you for that bartender.”
Now he was getting to the reason why he came, the sense of final closure he needed and didn’t know where else to get. “I think you would have forgiven me for the times I fantasized about… I think I could love him; I think I might already. It’s – different from how I love you, but maybe that’s because I’m different now too.”
He stood quietly for a long time, switching his gaze from the stone to the horizon, watching a bird fly across the cemetery.
“Anyway. I have to go. We’re having dinner with Tia’s family. Liam’s officially meeting them for the first time. We’re going to decide the first issue Equality Chicago is going to push Alderwoman Young on. Should be fun.”
Daniel sighed once more. With one last happy-sad smile, he said goodbye. “I think I’m going to be OK. I finally think we’re all going to be OK.”