Chapter Text
It had almost been a full year of sharing a room with Neil Perry, yet Todd still felt his heart flutter at his compliments. He was absolutely positive that everything Neil said was completely platonic, yet the devil on his shoulder told him there was something else there. It had been a slight pressure in his mind from the very first day that Neil got him to join the dead poets society. Why was he so adamant about it anyways? Since the play, though, the pressure weighed down on him like bricks. There was something about that night that seemed to amplify all of his feelings. He tried to push these thoughts from his mind as he studied for his upcoming finals. He had enough anxiety about the rapidly declining year, he didn’t need to deal with these confusing emotions. The meetings at the cave had slowed since everyone needed to brush up on some subject or another, which meant that Todd spent far more time in his room, and, by extension, with Neil. They had been studying together for weeks, completely frantic over Chemistry. Neil seemed to have benefitted from his summer classes in the subject, but Todd was at a loss. He didn’t have a knack for science, unlike English. The limited sleep, coupled with the immeasurable stress and allergy season at its height, had finally caught up with him and he woke up feeling like he was seconds from death. He decided that missing one day wouldn’t kill him, so he stayed in bed. Neil promised to bring him his missed work anyways. He slept off his sickness and felt decent by the time Neil got back. Maybe he really had just needed a break.
Neil filled him in on the day’s events and delivered his work.
“Oh and we took notes in Chem, you can copy mine,” Neil said, handing him his notebook. Todd flipped through the pages and stumbled across tiny drawings scrawled all over the pages.
“Boring class?” Todd asked.
Neil shrugged. “It was boring without you.” The words made his heart flutter. They played through his mind for the rest of the day, keeping him up through the night.
Then finals were upon them. He started waking up at four in the morning because of nightmares regarding the damned exams. Neil must have heard him frantically flipping through and scanning the textbook, as he turned over and asked what he was doing.
“Sorry, I can’t sleep. We have finals tomorrow.”
Neil sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. “Are you failing Chem? What did you get on the last quiz?”
“No, I’m not failing. I got an 85,” he replied slowly.
“See, you’ll do great. You’ve got this, I believe in you.” Neil rolled back over, trying to go back to bed. “Now get some sleep,” he mumbled as an afterthought.
Todd silently closed the book, laying on his bed, but he couldn’t get any sleep. He was far too busy overanalyzing everything Neil said. Surely the drumming in his chest was from the compliment alone, not the fast that it came from Neil... right?
Long after the stress of finals had left their minds, they found themselves packing up for the summer. It started as a sunny day with a sweltering heat that they couldn’t escape. There weren’t any classes so they slept until noon. Todd’s parents would come in a few hours and he wasn’t looking forward to it. It was bad enough to have to leave his friends, but he would be the very last person to leave to top it all off. His brother was being honored for some achievement that Todd could never live up to, delaying his parents for at least an hour. As the sky turned grey, the entire atmosphere of the school shifted. The kids who were excited to leave had already departed, leaving those with busy parents to take their time. Todd was glad that he wasn’t alone at least. Neil’s parents were held up as well, leaving the two of them to pack in companionable silence. Neil was unusually quiet and introspective. The rain started lightly, filling in the gaps of their thoughts. Todd had the miserable realization that he probably wouldn’t see his friends at all after this. College seemed just a jump away. A crack of thunder made Todd jump. Suddenly a switch was flipped in Neil. His boisterous laugh broke the dreary spell. Even Todd managed a hidden smile.
Neil looked out the window, mesmerized by the rolling thunder and flashes of lightning. He looked like a cat, entranced by the movement. Todd didn’t realize he was staring until Neil looked over at him and smiled.
“Let’s go outside!” He hopped up onto the bed, standing valiantly. God, did it remind Todd of the time Neil discovered his passion for acting. He looked so wild and carefree, but also like he knew the secrets of the universe.
“It’s pouring, we’ll get wet,” Todd protested reasonably. Somehow the voice in his head seemed so far away. A much larger part of him yearned to go along with whatever ridiculous plan Neil proposed. He stayed seated next to his suitcase.
“Exactly!” Neil jumped down. Even standing on the ground he seemed to float.
Whatever excuse Todd was brewing up seemed to evaporate when Neil smiled. That grin of his, the very one that screamed mischief was plastered on his face. It was the same one he gave when Todd said he could take care of himself and Neil so simply had refused. The one that he would always associate with Puck ever since the night of the play. The refusal died on his lips as he let Neil pull him to his feet.
There was a moment of pure energy that crackled when they were face to face, but maybe it was just the lightning. Neil never let go of his wrist, tugging him through the dim hallways of the school, catching strange looks from the remaining students. They reached the front doors and Todd hesitated, causing Neil to pause. The grounds seemed so empty with most of the school already gone. Neil let go and ran onto the grass. He spread his arms out and let the rain fall freely on his upturned face. Todd’s breath hitched. He threw caution to the heavy wind and let rational thinking disappear with it. Carpe Diem. He walked out and felt the cool water drip down his face. He felt his clothing and hair slowly get soaked, but Neil was looking at him now with an unreadable expression. It seemed so impossibly affectionate, though Todd wouldn’t dare think that, so he let a smile break through.
Neil grabbed his wrist again and took off towards the fields. Todd ran behind him feeling free. Something about the thrill of breaking rules and Neil’s hand so close to his made his heart flutter. He was sure this rush of adrenaline and just pure happiness would never wear off. They stopped atop a hill and saw the school in the distance.
“Your dad is going to kill you!” Todd exclaimed, with more excitement than anything. It was just his nature to try and be responsible.
Neil looked at him with unrestrained admiration. “I don’t care.”
Todd hoped he would never forget the look in his eyes when he said it. Surely it was imprinted in his memory for eternity. They were so sweet and sincere that in that moment none of his problems seemed to matter. All that mattered was the pair of eyes looking into his.
He thought about kissing him right then and there. It would be perfect, the last day at Welton, possibly the last time they would see each other. It was almost picturesque, surrounded by nature, caught in a storm. This was the closest he had ever been. There had been times before, but this time he swayed forward slightly. Neil had to have noticed. They were hardly a breath away.
“Neil!” They heard the powerful voice calling from the distance. Todd almost thought he had dreamed it. They were still looking at each other, mere moments away from what could be a kiss.
“I think that’s my father,” Neil said with no intention to leave. Todd blinked away the dream-like trance.
“Yeah...” he felt his rush of happiness waning. His heart was still beating so fast that he knew he couldn’t leave it at that. A kiss seemed too much though. He looked down at where Neil still held his wrist. Neil followed his gaze and dropped his grip almost bashfully. Todd slipped his hand into Neil’s, trying to tell him something.
Neil’s arms surrounded him in a hug. Todd couldn’t remember that last time he’d been hugged. He gripped at the back of Neil’s soaked shirt, tears falling freely with the rain. His message was surely received.
The walk back to the school was awkwardly perfect. The rain was winding down and the sun peaked through the clouds. They were walking close together, but not touching at all. When Neil would accidentally bump his shoulder, he felt a spark of electricity, as though the lightning had returned. He felt light and forgot about the daunting future.
Neil’s father waiting for him outside the room reminded them that actions have consequences.
“Twenty minutes we’ve been sitting here and you come back soaked? Get changed! I swear I’ll send you to military school if you keep us any longer!” His threats fell on deaf ears. Todd awkwardly inched toward his suitcase until he heard Neil shut the door behind him.
They quickly changed and Todd made sure to avert his eyes. The comfort of dry clothes brought him back to reality. He was staring off into his bag, probably double checking his things, when Neil snapped his fingers. He had clean clothes on and a towel around his neck, reminiscent of when he would shower after school. Todd’s memories of Welton would have to keep him sane this summer if nothing else.
Todd met his eyes and didn’t know what to say.
“You take care, okay?” Neil said, drying his hair with the towel. Todd nodded and Neil’s smile returned. “I’ll write you. See you later, Todd.”
Todd scrambled to his feet. He surprised Neil when he wrapped his arms around him. It was comforting and real and Neil wanted to live in that moment forever. He buried his face in Todd’s shoulder.
“You better write,” Todd said, his voice heavy. He had noticeably relaxed since this morning.
Neil pulled away and brushed Todd’s hair from his face with a fond smile. “I promise.”
With that, Neil parted, leaving Todd to himself for nearly an hour. His parents were late as usual and Todd was already missing Neil.