Chapter Text
Merlin walked toward Arthur's chambers after a long day of work. There was a small part of him that urged him to walk faster so that he could spend more time with the prince but he ignored it and nodded at the servants that passed him in a show of solidarity. Although he had to look after the prat, Merlin could admit that spending the evening in Arthur's chambers was one of his favorite parts of the day. After a long day of running around the castle doing a million things at once, and those were the days without a threat to both of their lives, going into Arthur's rooms and lighting a fire was like heaven. Merlin rounded the corner that led to Arthur's chambers and greeted the guards with a happy little wave. The two men stood as stoic and statuesque as ever but a glimmer of amusement shone in their eyes.
"Evening, clotpole!" called Merlin merrily as he closed the heavy oak door.
"Merlin," greeted Arthur with a warning tone.
"I've had the longest day today," began Merlin,"earlier while I was cleaning out the stables Hendrid tripped me and I f-"
"I'm sure this tale only gets more interesting from there but I would rather sit through one of Gaius's lectures on herbs than hear how that ends."
"Your loss." Merlin walked over to the fire place and started setting logs down in the shape that always guaranteed him a quick fire.
"Anyway I'm much more interested in why you're late and I've had to sit in my cold chambers waiting for my brainless servant."
"Well you've forbidden me from telling you what happened after Hendrid tripped me so you'll never know now," Merlin said with a teasing tone as he turned to look at Arthur.
The prince scowled, "Merlin this is not a joke, I've been here at least half an hour in the cold."
"Oh no! We wouldn't want you to catch a case of the royal sniffles, now would we?" said Merlin in a grave tone. He had to turn and pretend to fiddle with the flint to keep from laughing at Arthur's look of total outrage. A few flicks of the flint and stone had sparks flying and growing into flames in no time. Arthur's spluttering culminated in a growled Shut up which always meant Merlin had won the round of verbal sparring, at least that's how Merlin counted it anyway. His knees cracked as he stood and he stretched like a lazy cat in front of the fire.
Arthur watched as Merlin raised his arms toward heaven, his long fingers interlocking, and pulled lightly from side to side. His tunic rode up and a sliver of ivory skin revealed itself. He found himself mesmerized at the way the muscles along Merlin's lower stomach tensed and released with his movements. He wanted to be angry that Merlin could waltz into his chambers late, insult him, and then be generally lazy, but he couldn't find any real irritation within himself as he looked. Snapping his eyes back up to Merlin's face he was met with one of his usual bright smiles and a warmth he felt he'd been missing all day spread throughout him.
The happiness reminded him of what he wanted to speak to Merlin about. There had been someone else that warmed him in a similar way for a while now, and Merlin himself had been the person to lead him to the freeing conclusion. He pretended to be busy by shuffling with his papers at his desk while Merlin walked around his room and prepared everything for the night. He picked up discarded items of clothing from the ground with an exasperation that pleased Arthur, and muttered about messy prats. He had to force the laughter down as he watched his servant work. Merlin really was something else. If Arthur was honest with himself he could admit that Merlin was far more than just a servant, he was Arthur's most valued friend. He made him happy when nothing else seemed to cheer him, and right now as he watched him cleaning he found that he wanted to share everything about himself with him.
"Merlin, stop for a minute, I want to tell you something." At the declaration his servant seemed to startle but he dropped what he was doing and came over to Arthur's desk immediately.
"Everything alright, sire?" The use of the title and the concern in Merlin's voice had Arthur rejoicing. Yes, Merlin was the right person to trust with this secret.
"Yes, everything is alright. In fact everything is better than alright. Do you remember the conversation we had a fortnight ago?"
"The one about ..." Merlin didn't dare finish his sentence. His treacherous heart began to speed up.
He was pretty sure he did remember. Arthur had been in one of his brooding moods and Merlin had grown tired of it, he tended to be on the receiving end of Arthur working through his problems. He had pushed and pushed until one night in his chambers Arthur admitted he had feelings for someone, but that he didn't know what to do about it because nothing could ever come of it. He revealed that his father would never approve of the person he had feelings for because they were a servant and he had a duty to the kingdom to marry a noblewoman and produce a worthy heir. Merlin had his heart in his throat the entire time they were speaking, and although he knew the servant they were talking of was Gwen, a little part of his brain had cried Me. Please say it's me. He had however ignored that as ferociously as he could and argued the point that love conquered all. That if Arthur thought his feelings were serious then he should pursue them, that marrying for love was more than worthy of ruling over Camelot. Arthur hadn't said anything for the rest of the night, but the following morning he had been in a better mood than he had been for days and they didn't speak of it again until now.
"Yes. I think, so help me Gods ... I think you were right." Even though the phrase sounded forced there was a fond look in Arthur's eyes.
"Oh," replied Merlin stunned into speechlessness.
"Eloquent as ever," teased the prince, "I've thought about this over and over and I think I'd like to court Guinevere. Officially. And if things work out ... marry her. I think she may be the one for me." Arthur spoke with an openness that was rare for the prince and Merlin didn't know what to do.
"Congratulations!" he burst out, he had no idea what his face was doing. Whatever it was it seemed to satisfy Arthur however, because he laughed and shook his head like if Merlin had done something particularly thick-sculled but funny. "We've got to celebrate!" continued Merlin.
"I doubt my father would like to throw a feast," replied Arthur.
His servant merely gave him a secretive smile and raised one of his fingers as if to say you just wait a minute before disappearing from the chambers and leaving behind a very confused prince. Merlin hurried down the hall and tried to calm his breathing, he had needed to get out of the room and away from Arthur as soon as he could. He knew he should be happy, but at the moment he wasn't sure he was pulling it off. He often tried to ignore his feelings for the prince, and typically if he worked at it hard enough he could lie to himself and say he did the things he did because it was his destiny or what a good friend would do for another. In truth he did things for a much simpler reason. But now Arthur was sitting in his chambers waiting for Merlin to return. He had seemed so vulnerable when he confided in Merlin that he felt his heart would jump out of his chest. Arthur trusted him, with all that he was, and Merlin didn't want to give him any reasons to regret that. He shoved away the part of him that hissed he tells you everything and you only ever lie to him. You're doing it this very second. Liar.
Arthur wasn't left to wonder about his servant too long because soon enough Merlin came back with a platter full of finger foods Arthur loved to snack on and wine skins filled with the good stuff smuggled underneath his tunic. Arthur's big grin made all the times cook smacked him with a wooden spoon worth it. Without command they both walked over to the soft rug that sits in front of the fire and settled down.
"It's not a feast but-"
"It's much better than a feast," Arthur cut him off, because we get to eat together, echoed in the air between them.
Merlin shoved a biscuit into his mouth before he said something stupid. Arthur opted for drinking straight from the wine skin and then offered some to Merlin. They drank from the same one in alternating turns as they spoke about Guinevere and Arthur. The prince always told Merlin the things he never could tell anyone else, and this was not the exception. He told him about all the reasons why he loved her. She was strong, and smart, and not afraid to tell him the truth when he needed it. She kept him in line, and yet she was warm and caring. She showed him she cared for him. Arthur took the offered wine skin and drank some more. It was sweet and he briefly wondered if he could taste Merlin on it as well.
"She's very lovable," was all Merlin said in between Arthur's praises.
"Not to mention beautiful," added Arthur, "but it's what's inside that draws me to her."
"Never took you for a sap," joked Merlin as he snatched the wine skin from Arthur's hand and gulped down the liquid.
"Whoa, easy there Merlin. I know we're celebrating but we both know you can't handle your liquor."
Merlin grumbled but acquiesced. Sitting next to the fire all warm, with Merlin by his side, Arthur felt the night couldn't have been more perfect. He was glad to have Merlin as his best friend, and even gladder to know that Merlin supported him when it came to Guinevere. He shouldn't care so much about a servants opinion, but he did. He knew now that peasants were just as important as any of the nobles, courtesy of Guinevere and Merlin's handy lessons. Despite his reprimanding of Merlin, he was feeling the room spin a little as he shifted. He looked over only to find Merlin already looking at him. Sometimes when Merlin looked at him it felt like all the air was knocked out of Arthur's lungs and he had to concentrate very hard on breathing.
"Come now," Merlin slurred as he began to wobble into a standing position, "you need to sleep. You have that council meeting tomorrow morning."
"Right." Arthur grunted as he stood and swatted at Merlin's hands as his servant tried to help him up as if he was a weak old lady. He tore off his tunic on the way to his bed and fumbled with the laces of his breeches. He couldn't untie them however and soon gave up, it wouldn't be the first time he didn't change into sleep clothes before going to bed. Merlin really was a terrible servant. The fact was proven as he crawled onto bed and had to yank at the duvet so that he could slide underneath. Merlin came around to help him and almost tumbled to the ground when the blanket slid free. He clumsily pushed Arthur down into the bed and tucked him in as if he were a child.
"Get away, Merlin! This is all your fault. You can't even ready my bed so I can sleep."
"My apologies, sire, I hadn't realized Camelots alleged best knight couldn't take on the duvet in a struggle."
Arthur snorted and couldn't help the giddy laughter that spilled from him. Merlin always had a way of making him laugh, especially when he wanted to be angry at him.
"Shut up you buffoon," he said with such a big smile his cheeks hurt, "put out the candles and then take yourself to bed as well. I won't let you sleep in just because you're hung over tomorrow."
"Of course, my lord," exclaimed Merlin in a parody of what a servant should be and went around the room blowing out the candles. He blew raspberries at the flames as inefficiently as he could just to hear Arthur's giggle coming from the king sized bed. The prince would deny that he had ever giggled, but in fact he did it often when he was drunk, and it was an adorable sound that Merlin was incredibly fond of. With the last little flame going out into nothing but a plume of smoke Merlin quietly left the chambers. He had left the mess they made on the rug, but he would just clean that up tomorrow.
He stumbled through the halls of the castle making his way out into the court yard. Him and Arthur had stayed up late talking, and now the kingdom was asleep and it was just Merlin and the moon. He found he didn't want to go to Gaius's tower and lay down by himself in his little cot. In fact that sounded like the worst thing he had ever heard. Without a clear direction he let his legs take him through the courtyard, then the lower town, then the dirt path that led past the gates and out of the city. The forest called to him always and right now with alcohol clouding his mind he didn't deny himself.
It was a chilly night in the forest of Camelot. He clutched his jacket closer to his body and focused on the crunching leaves beneath his boots. He looked at the moon as he walked and marveled at it's pearlescent white color as it hung in an inky black sky. No one should be out all alone in the forest at this time of night, but Merlin had needed to get away from the castle and breathe. He had gone and done the dumbest thing he could've, which was very much in character for him, but still he couldn't see a way out of this one.
Merlin had fallen in love, and he definitely wasn't supposed to be.
He swallowed around a lump in his throat and ignored the burning in his eyes as he held back tears. His chest felt tight with an ache he couldn't avoid. Merlin had heard many songs about love and how wonderful it would be, he heard tales of people doing the craziest things for one another. All because of love, because if you have love then that's all you need, at least in the stories that's how it goes. But Merlin wasn't in a story or a song, Merlin was in the real world where love was the last thing a lot of people thought about. He was in the real world where love doesn't warm you, and love doesn't feed you, and love is not all you need. Merlin lived in the real world, where sometimes love doesn't exist at all, no matter how much you wish it did.
His pace slowed and slowed until he stopped in the middle of the trees and shuddered as tears finally began to spill. In the forest there were only the sounds of crickets and the leaves rustling in the wind. He felt as if the rest of the world didn't exist and it was just him and the trees. Just him and the moonlight dancing along the grass on the forest floor. His tears ran off his cheeks and down his neck soaking into the ever present neckerchief he wore around his throat. An ugly choked sound escaped from deep within his chest and his hand shot up to cover his mouth and muffle the cries he could no longer pretend weren't killing him. Every time his wet eyelashes fanned over his reddening cheeks they left moisture on his skin. Merlin cried some more, and the crickets chirped back.
He was so lonely.
He didn't feel the strength leaving his body until the rude shock of his knees hitting the dirt ran through his lanky frame. He leaned forward and placed his forehead on the dirt and shuddered as he cried. His tears seeped into the soil and the very earth underneath him seemed to shake, mirroring his grief back at him. The forest around him buzzed with magic, as if it was experiencing their masters pain with him. The wind rustled his hair and blew over his exposed nape like the soothing hand of a mother. The crickets seemed to sing to him and the moonlight shone bright upon his hair. The old magic of the earth oozed out of the dirt and swept against his forehead, a warm sensation that seeped into his skull and through his body. It soothed his own magic which trembled as he tried to contain it. The feeling made the ache in his chest twist and turn. He was their master, he bent the elements to his will, and yet he was also their child. He felt as if the very earth cradled his soul and rocked him back and forth like one would a crying baby.
Merlin laid down flatly on the ground and pressed his chest close to the grass and dirt, the grass tickled his cheek as he rested his head. The forest continued to weave its warm magic around him, and when Merlin closed his eyes and let his magic rule him it was as if the earth was alive and he could feel it's heart beating. Merlin spent his days being strong for everyone else, they always needed him and he tried his best to never disappoint, but Merlin was so tired of being strong.
This felt like when he was ten and the village kids had chased Merlin around as they called him all sorts of unpleasant things. He lifted his chin high and faced them without a trace of fear, and when a boy much bigger than him had made a fist and struck him across the face he hadn't even whimpered. He had lifted himself up off the ground, dusted off his breeches, and then promptly gotten into a fight that went on for too long and had too many opponents for one little boy to face. When it was done the children did back off, but Merlin's nose was bleeding and his face ached in all the places his skin had been split open. He stared them down and then walked home with bravado. When he had walked in to his and his mothers hut and their eyes met he broke down in tears. He was safe with her, and he didn't have to be strong, the sight of her broke all his barriers and let his pain loose.
Right now the earth was his guardian, and he was safe here. Just like that day when he was ten and he cried into his mother's shoulder, he now wept into the soil and dug his fingers into the grass and dirt. He let the earth reassure him that he was loved, even if it was not in the way he needed, even if it was not by the person he wanted. He was loved, and he was important, and one day his heart ache would be nothing but a distant memory. He hiccuped as his sobbing started to slow and his head throbbed with an exhaustion from deep within his bones. He let sleep lull him into it's darkness and let the forest be his protector. The earth knew he trusted it with all that he had as he closed his eyes and fell asleep on the grass bathed in moonlight.
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Arthur's laugh echoed against the stone walls of his chambers. It was an abrupt sound that only surfaced when he really couldn't hold it back, and it always seemed to explode from him in a boyish and unrestrained way. Every time Merlin heard it his heart skipped a beat, especially when he knew he had been the cause, as he often was. He watched Arthur across the room as he sat at his desk and avoided his princely duties.
"Merlin, you cannot call a nobleman that!" Arthur chided with a big smile on his face.
"But it's the truth!" Merlin cried with outrage just to see Arthur press his lips together to avoid laughing some more at his servants inappropriate behavior.
"Look, just because I am incredibly kind and let your insolence go without punishment," Arthur said as he stood from his desk and made his way over to where Merlin was polishing his armor with a fond look in his eyes, "doesn't mean that other nobles won't! If you keep talking like that, one of these days you'll slip up and do it in front of everyone, and when you do I won't be able to help you!"
"I would never slip up," Merlin deflected, "I'm smart. Unlike some people I know."
He fought back the blush that threatened to show in his cheeks at the prince almost admitting he worried for him and instead made a big show of looking pointedly at the Arthur. That earned him a smack to the back of the head which he protested by whining loudly, but it hadn't hurt. In fact Merlin couldn't remember the last time Arthur hitting him had actually hurt, the prince had really mellowed out. Arthur's hand didn't fall away from Merlin's head and instead his fingers carded through Merlin's hair. He restrained a shiver that threatened to overtake him as Arthur's fingers scratched at his scalp lightly. Merlin closed his eyes and leaned in to the touch. The soft caress died down and soon enough Arthur's hand was slipping out of Merlin's hair as he began to walk backward to his desk.
Arthur opened his mouth again and began to speak, but his voice was no longer the low and precise timber Merlin had grown used to, instead a beautiful song came out. He sounded like a lark singing merrily. Merlin jumped up from his seat, an enchantment? But Arthur didn't seem to notice and only continued to sing, and then the lighting in the room changed and everything started to get unbearably bright. The room was whiting out and Arthur's golden hair was disappearing behind rays of sunlight. Merlin called out to the prince but could hear nothing over the birdsong, he raised his hands and closed his eyes as the light got brighter and brighter.
Merlin blinked his eyes open and winced as the sunlight burned his retinas. Something prickled at his cheek and he jerked his head up off the ground. Why am I on the ground? A lark sang from somewhere behind him and suddenly he returned back to the real world. His dream of Arthur had vanished, and now he found himself on the dirt in the forest surrounded by green trees and bright sunlight. Morning birds serenaded him as he slowly got up and stretched. He hadn't meant to spend the night, only sulk a bit away from prying eyes. He didn't even want to think about how mad Gaius would be. Not to mention Arthur would probably be seething that Merlin was late despite his warning last night. Arthur.
Closing his eyes he inhaled deeply, letting the crisp morning air deep into his lungs. He held his breath for a few seconds then let it all out through his mouth. The forest around him was full of life, and Merlin let himself get lost in it for a few moments. He really should be sprinting back to the castle, but after last night Merlin knew he couldn't keep doing things like he had in the past. Maybe yesterday Merlin would've run all the way back to the kingdom and zipped through the kitchens to grab the prince's food. He would've fumbled with the plate and jug of freshly squeezed juice as he ran up the stairs and pushed the door to Arthur's chambers open loudly and clumsily to set everything down on the table. Arthur would already be up and getting dressed and turn his attention to Merlin to yell at him like he always did. And Merlin would enjoy every second of it, because apparently he was a masochist, and a love-struck fool.
Yet Merlin was not Merlin from yesterday, so he didn't run at all. The simple fact of the matter was that while Merlin soaked up Arthur's exasperation and enjoyed being able to rouse the prince in any way, Arthur did not feel the same way. When he looked at Arthur and couldn't tear his gaze away, Arthur's gaze was locked upon another servant with brown skin and wild curls. So he didn't run because he couldn't keep loving Arthur in the privacy of his thoughts, and taking every interaction between them two and selfishly using it as fuel for the love that grew and grew every day. That feeling belonged to Gwen, or at least it should and would. Arthur and Gwen were going to get married, and therefore Merlin had to be just Arthur's friend.
He would use this walk to ready himself for seeing Arthur. It wasn't going to be easy to put his love aside and he knew it. He couldn't just ignore it and hope it would go away, he had already tried that. But he could replace it with other feelings, learn to prioritize other emotions towards Arthur over the love that suffocated him every time he looked at the golden prince. He knew he could learn to be content with this new situation. He had allowed himself a moment of weakness last night, and now it was time to take a breath and head into battle.
This was indeed like that time when he was ten. When his mother had finished saying gentle words and soothing circles into his back he had pulled away from her. He had taken a breath and given her a watery smile. Hunith was always of the mind that when you had to do something very hard you were allowed to cry, but only for a moment, and then you had to be brave and face it head on. After he allowed himself to be soothed they had moved on with their day, and each time Merlin saw the same children again who jeered at him he didn't even spare them a glance. If he set his mind to it, he could face Arthur's love for Gwen, and grow to live with it just like he had grown to live with all the other painful things in his life. And if he strives a little further than self restraint he could find himself being happy for his friends. It might take some time. But he could do it.
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Arthur sat at his giant dining table and popped a grape into his mouth. His breakfast was nicer than usual, and his morning going smoothly. Merlin was late, incredibly so, but then again when wasn't he? George had been so kind as to attend the prince that morning, and everything was moving without a hitch. It was absolutely terrible. He had sent for a drought for his hangover, which was also courtesy of Merlin, and was waiting for the dutiful George to return when his original manservant entered the chambers.
"Got your breakfast," he said looking sheepish as he set down a plate with an apple and a cold roll.
"How very thoughtful of you Merlin," Arthur thanked him in a clipped tone.
"You see the thing is that ... uh Gaius-" Merlin trailed off for a second, "... needed me to get herbs in the forest?" He finished his statement much more like a question.
Arthur sighed heavily, "Oh and you were just with Gaius were you?"
"Yes..."
Arthur had him now. "Well then, I don't suppose you have my drought? You must've seen George there with it."
Merlin smirked, "Yes, sire. It's right here."
As if from thin air he pulled a small vial from behind his back and smiled at Arthur with victory in his eyes. The prince's lips thinned and he glared at his friend. Merlin always managed to weasel his way out of trouble! He extended his hand and wordlessly demanded the vial. Merlin rolled his eyes and gave it to Arthur as he passed him and started to make his bed which George hadn't gotten to, thank goodness.
"A thank you would be nice," chirped Merlin. He knew he was pushing it, but that was his plan. He needed some distance from the prince today.
"Of course, how rude of me," Arthur spoke with ice in his voice, "Thank you Merlin, for arriving late, bringing me a stale roll, and being utterly useless at your job!" Arthur winced like yelling at Merlin hurt his head and then gulped down Gaius's drought. His face screwed up predictably and Merlin shot him an infuriating smile while he fluffed the pillows.
"No problem, my lord."
Merlin had actually run into George very close to Arthur's chambers and practically wrestled the drought away. Despite being unlucky, every now and then destiny seemed to be on his side. George had huffed in offense at being sent away and left as he straightened his red jacket that had gone askew in the mini struggle.
"What's on my itinerary for today?" Arthur asked in his ever present royal tone as he stood from the table.
"Uh ... I think you've got a council meeting at some point," Merlin replied. Merlin was currently in the process of tucking in the corners of the duvet as messily as he could, he would have to be extra terrible at his job if he was going to be sent away. For all of Arthur's whining, and Merlin's complaints, he was actually pretty tolerant of Merlin's errors.
"What do you mean think?" The prince pinched the bridge of his nose with two fingers as he tried to keep his cool.
"Well thinking is a thing people with brains do," he answered insolently, "I'm not sure how I could explain it to you" he emphasized to make sure the implied insult landed.
Arthur's eyes widened as he stared at Merlin with total disbelief. Usually when Merlin came late he was somewhat competent for a few hours after to make up for his mistake, he was never dumb enough to keep poking at Arthur. "Do you want to go to the stocks?"
Alright, maybe he was pushing too much, he didn't want to get pelted with vegetables today. "No, sire," he answered and looked away quickly as he went to retrieve the cloak Arthur had been waiting for. He hadn't asked for it, but Merlin knew by now what he wanted before he said it.
"You have your council meeting now, and knights training in the afternoon. Your father also wants to dine with you tonight." Merlin draped the cloak over Arthur's broad shoulders and secured it with a practiced ease. Arthur relaxed in Merlin's hands. George had helped him dress and even though he was very competent there had been a few miscommunications. Merlin knew him very well, they flowed together now.
"Thank you, Merlin," he answered when he realized he'd been staring at Merlin as he secured Arthur's scabbard around his waist. He began to walk toward the door and without looking back ordered Merlin to hurry up.
"I need to finish cleaning your chambers, our things from yesterd-" Merlin stopped abruptly and Arthur could imagine his face as he realized, "George already cleaned them up."
"Indeed. You can thank him after you serve me at the council meeting." Behind him Merlin groaned loudly and the prince grinned widely. If there was anything that Merlin hated more than the stocks it was council meetings, they bore him even more than they bore Arthur. He thought it was a fine punishment for taking the morning off.
Merlin trudged behind Arthur and avoided stepping on his whooshing cloak as they walked down the hall. This was fine. If he really strained himself he could almost pretend yesterday hadn't happened and that his heart wasn't currently shattered and making it hard to breathe around Arthur. It definitely helped that the prince was being a giant prat.
As he made to cross the threshold of the throne room a hand shot out from the side of the large door and grabbed hold of Merlin's ragged brown jacket. "You're not allowed in there." Arthur immediately stopped and turned to yell at the guard for touching Merlin when his fathers voice rang out with authority.
"No servants today, Arthur. We have serious matters to discuss." His gaze settled on his son as he begrudgingly left the guard alone and shooed Merlin away with a nod of his head. Merlin nodded back without making eye contact and left the throne room behind. This could be bad, but if it was really very important Arthur would end up telling him later anyway. For now he made his way to Gaius's chambers and prepared himself for the lecture that was no doubt awaiting him. He was going to have some explaining to do, but he wasn't sure he even wanted to tell Gaius the truth, it was humiliating.
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The old wooden door creaked as he pushed it open to reveal Gaius hunched over a counter examining something very closely with a magnifying glass. The old man did not move to straighten up and check who it was because he already knew by the guilty shuffling of feet as they approached. He decided to make Merlin suffer a bit and let him fidget as he continued to examine the culture he had been growing for almost a month. Merlin cleared his throat next to Gaius, and Gaius continued to ignore him with a quiet and intimidating presence that only he and the mountains could hold.
"Erm ... Good morning, Gaius," tried Merlin.
"Merlin."
"Oh come on!" he pleaded, much like the child Gaius saw him as, "don't be mad!"
"I'm not mad."
"Just disappointed?"
Gaius huffed at the attempt at humor and mercifully turned his gaze toward his ward. He let his eyebrow do the talking and raised it to levels even Merlin couldn't withstand. He crumbled underneath Gaius's questioning look. Piece of cake, thought Gaius.
"I was in the forest! I had uh ... business to attend to." At the look of warning on Gaius's face Merlin continued, "Nothing magical! I give you my word I've been cautious. I just stayed in Arthur's room later than usual and then after I went for a walk. I fell asleep in the woods," he admitted sheepishly, "I'm sorry."
Gaius had a few guesses as to what he had been doing in Arthur's chambers and why he fell asleep in the forest. Merlin was very much a lightweight and the few times Arthur or the knights made him drink he showed up at ridiculous hours of the morning to tell Gaius how much he loved him and then promptly fall asleep on any available surface.
"Why did you and Arthur get so inebriated that you fell asleep in the forest?" Gaius's tone was even but an underlying reprimand was heard all the same. Merlin was an adult and he was allowed to do as he wished, and yet Gaius had always felt like a father to his ward. When Merlin didn't tell him right away Gaius went to give him the eyebrow again. It was a testament to how much Merlin wanted to keep it to himself that he withstood the eyebrow for an entire five seconds before he caved.
Merlin slumped onto the work bench and took a deep breath, not bothering to hide his upset from Gaius anymore. "It was something Arthur told me in confidence, although I doubt it's much of a secret from anyone except his father. I won't tell you the specifics, but let's just say Albion is going to get a queen at long last."
This had not been what Gaius had been expecting at all and he almost dropped his precious culture. He set it down and hobbled over to Merlin who sat on the bench with a blank face. Gaius wasn't one for gossip, but he was a man of science after all and he could never stop himself from forming hypothesis based on observation. He had formed many in fact about the young prince and who he might end up with, but none of them ended with Merlin being crushed. It was evident Arthur had chosen to marry someone else, and if he searched the evidence it wasn't hard to come to the conclusion this queen would be Guinevere. She was an extraordinary woman, but Gaius had no doubt in his mind a marriage between the two would end in dissatisfaction for all parties involved.
He didn't dare to try and comfort Merlin, he knew he would just recoil at the perceived pity. Gaius was an old man who had lost a love of his own, so knew not to dig into the wound that was clearly still so fresh. He stared at Merlin, and Merlin stared back, a silent conversation taking place.
I'm so sorry, my boy.
It's just the way things are.
The pain will ease.
I hope so.
Merlin looked away, breaking their communication and collecting himself. Gaius felt any irritation with Merlin for slinking away yesterday had evaporated as soon as he found out why and now looked at his ward with soft eyes.
"Well if you want to be forgiven for making an old man worry, make yourself useful and go deliver my droughts, there's a nasty bug going around."
His ward served him a crooked smile as he reached for the bag full of glass vials clinking against one another. He knew he was already forgiven, but he slung the bag over his shoulder anyway and pointed toward the door with his thumb as if to say duty calls. Gaius watched Merlin's back as he disappeared from the room. He was proud of him for taking it so well, he could see him hurting deep down. Merlin and Arthur were two sides of the same coin, they had to go together, and Gaius had no doubts about that. It was a solid hypothesis.
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Merlin walked out of a small hut-like house in the lower town scraping his right shoe across the gravel as hard as he could. Gaius hadn't been kidding when he said there was a nasty bug going around, Merlin had only been in a house for a few moments when a small child emptied their stomach contents on Merlin's shoes. He delivered the medicine with as much grace and care as he could and then ran out of each house. He wasn't sure he was cut out for physicians work. A kind woman had cleaned his shoes in exchange for the delivery and it was as he was waving bye to her with a big smile on his face that he bumped into someone.
The small figure of the person bounced off his back and he barely spun around and caught their arm before they fell in the mud. As it turned out, it was Gwen. When she saw who she had bumped into she beamed up at her friend.
"Merlin! Long time no see." It wasn't just a turn of phrase, it had been a few weeks since they had had any time with one another and she found herself missing his company.
"Gwen!" He echoed with just as much enthusiasm and picked up her basket full of fresh flowers. "Doing chores?" He kept the basket and offered his arm up to her as if she were a lady and he her guide. She smiled warmly and slid her arm around his and let herself be led by Merlin. She knew better than to argue with him about carrying things.
"You always treat me like a princess," she complained more for the banter than anything else.
"Then I'm falling short. You are a queen!" Merlin declared. If only she knew how right he was, or at least would be. He wondered how long it would take Arthur to propose. He couldn't imagine it would be long, even he who saw her as a sister could see all the good qualities she had. Not to mention her beauty which couldn't be disguised even by her servants garb.
"Oh stop it!" She blushed. At Merlin's loud declaration several people had turned to look at her. "Oh! I meant to tell you about the incident in the kitchens when I next saw you. You should've been there!"
Gwen proceeded to gift Merlin a hilarious story that included the cook covered in flour from head to toe and at least four ducks zipping around her kitchen and knocking things over. Merlin followed her and assisted her with her shopping and carrying all the things they collected from the stalls in the market. This is how they spent the rest of the morning and he found himself increasingly glad it was so. As they walked they talked like they hadn't done in a while, and he was reminded of how strong their friendship was since that first day they met. Merlin realized how much he had missed Gwen and a spark of guilt churned in his stomach at having felt envious of her. What would she think of him if she knew how he felt about the love of her life?
He laughed as his future queen snorted when she told him about how her and the cook corralled the ducks. Gwen was an exceptional woman, and she deserved someone like Arthur. She was smart, strong, and kind. He never wanted to feel anything but love towards her again. In her he could see a queen who the people admired and respected for the good qualities she would use to rule the kingdom alongside Arthur. Merlin didn't want to wallow in his own pain, but rejoice in his friends happiness and success. When the day came Gwen would rule as Camelots queen he would protect her just like he protected Arthur, and no harm would ever touch his friends if he could help it. With the vow to be their loyal servant his heart ache began to dull.
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Arthur exited the meeting with a headache steadily building behind his eyes. Scout reports had informed Uther of strange sightings in the forests skirting the borders of the kingdom to the north. A large scaled creature was seeing flying above a few villages but no one had caught a close enough glimpse to say what it was. All they knew was it was white and had large wings, it screeched horribly, and ever since it was spotted livestock had started to go missing. No one said it out loud, but the question of whether it was a dragon or not floated thick in the air. Morgana's name also went unspoken, but she was never far from anyone's mind when potential matters of sorcery were discussed. His father had given no indication of what it was or if he suspected Morgana, but then again Arthur knew well that Uther was rarely forward with his thoughts. Last time there had been a dragon Uther hadn't said anything either. All the calculations happened in the privacy of his mind, and by the time you found out about them it was because his plans were in motion.
Uther had ordered Arthur to go and check on the reports. He had hand picked the knights that would accompany Arthur on the days trip, despite Arthur's protests his father held firm in his decision. Arthur's knights had proved themselves over and over again, but Uther still disapproved of their status and didn't trust their motives. He chose four of his most trusted knights, those who helped when the purge was in full swing. They were all much older than Arthur, but he knew them to be skilled fighters and incredibly loyal to his father and therefore to him. Despite a good poker-face Uther had still demanded that the issue be seen to as soon as possible, which meant Arthur would be setting out today.
He stomped into his chambers ready to throttle anyone who got in his way. Luckily for Merlin, he wasn't there as always and escaped the royal melt down with his head still on. Unluckily for Merlin, he was Arthur's servant, and he was going to have to clean up Arthur's chambers which currently looked like a tornado had passed through. Although it seemed the mess could wait because the prince almost immediately began barking orders about packing bags and saddling horses. Merlin knew Arthur only got like this now when something big was stressing him out. He wondered what had happened during the meeting to upset the prince so much. Instead of hurrying to fulfill Arthur's demands he moved calmly around the room setting up to do the one obvious thing Arthur had overlooked in his anger.
"Merlin, would you like to explain to me what in the Gods names you're doing?"
"Well, sire, I presume we're setting out on our monthly life threatening expedition?"
"Get to the point."
Holding up Arthur's chain mail Merlin stared at Arthur square in the eye, "I just thought you might want some help getting this on?"
Arthur's puffed up chest deflated and he looked at Merlin with a face that was almost an apology. With a nod of his head Merlin began to secure the armor onto his prince's body. Arthur's tense shoulders began to droop now that Merlin was around and he rubbed at his temples as the warlock did the buckles on his hauberk.
"Father suspects sorcery in the north."
Merlin understood quickly who it really was that had Arthur in such a state. The betrayal of his sister had hurt Arthur almost as much as it had hurt Uther, although he was a lot less genocidal about it. He pulled the buckles on Arthur's gauntlets tight and looked him in the eye. "It'll be alright. I'll be there to protect you."
Arthur laughed and shook his head. It was okay that Arthur didn't believe him, at least it had made the prince laugh. They stared at each other for a second before Merlin looked away. He was always the first to look away. Arthur turned then and walked to his desk and Merlin understood it for the dismissal that it was. He set off to saddle the horses and get everything in the packs they would need for the journey and left Arthur to have his alone time.
He needed alone time of his own in fact. Every time they went on one of these treks something bad happened, and the pit in Merlin's stomach didn't give him confidence this time would be different. As he led Arthur's stallion out of the stable he thought about the vow he had made to himself earlier. He would make sure Arthur got home safe to his future queen. He would protect him, no matter the cost.