Chapter Text
Two Bros Enter a Bowling Alley
It started, Klaus supposed, with the time he first pretended to be Number Five’s dad. Grant – or Lance or whatever – fell for it hook, line and sinker. More fool him.
“And what about my consent?”
“Excuse me?”
“Who gave you permission,” Klaus had said, lip quivering, “To lay your hands on my son?”
“I didn’t touch your son.”
Klaus had then punched Number Five in the face and even if he had truly been Number Five’s dad, it probably hurt less than some of the things their own father had done to them over the years. Klaus had then smashed a snow globe on his own head, because why the fuck not. He had been the daddy of that situation.
“You’re crazy,” Grant, or Lance, or whatever his name was had said.
“Thank you,” Klaus had said.
Number Five was crazy too. They were definitely family that was for damn sure, even if they were brothers, rather than father and son.
“Jesus, you’re a real sick bastard,” Lance, or Grant, or whatever his name was had said.
“Thank you,” Klaus had said and spat a shard of glass out of his mouth.
Yeah, Klaus reckoned he had had that fathering business down just fine. In his personal experience, dads tended to be sick bastards in one way or another.
Then, of course, had come the first misunderstanding in the bowling alley on Kenny’s birthday.
“Excuse me! Excuse me, it’s my son Kenny’s birthday today and uh, wouldn’t your son be happier playing with kids his own age? Assuming it’s ok with your two dads?”
Klaus frowned, before realisation dawned, and he turned to look at Diego, who just looked resigned.
“I would rather chew off my own foot,” Number Five had said, very impolitely, like a very impolite child.
It made Klaus and Diego look like shoddy parents, quite frankly, but Kenny and his mom were already hurrying away from the demon schoolboy and Number Five was already heading in the opposite direction.
“If I was going to date a man,” Diego said beside him, “You’d be the last man I would date.”
“You’d be lucky to get me,” Klaus retorted.
And while those parent and partner pretendings and misunderstandings had been amusing and bemusing in equal measure, it did not quite explain why it kept happening.
*****
Two Bros Enter a Diner
“I’m sorry,” an overconfident waitress said to Klaus and Diego in the diner they were sitting in, back in the past after they had time-jumped back in order to stop the apocalypse. “Can I just say that you two make the most adorable couple?”
Klaus and Diego stared at her.
“We’re brothers,” Diego said.
“Oh sure,” she winked at them, “Of course you are.”
“Adoption exists, you know?” Klaus reminded her, affronted.
“I know,” she said, “I can see that. Your son is just cute as a button.”
Klaus blinked. Diego looked at Number Five as though willing him to dismiss the waitress in the same way that he had Kenny’s mother, but Number Five was in a much better mood and so was content just to lean back and smirk at them before smiling up at the waitress with his big stupid smile and his big stupid eyes.
“They don’t publicise it too much,” he told her, as though letting her in on a secret, “Times are changing, but in the current world, they like to keep a low profile. There are a lot of people who still don’t understand or accept like you do.”
Klaus supposed that that was true; they had gone back two decades and things were more different than Klaus had ever noticed when he had been young. Same-sex marriage wouldn’t be legal in most US states for years yet and same-sex adoption was a whole other kettle of fish. But this waitress did not seem to mind any of that in the slightest.
Particularly when she watched Number Five beam at Klaus and Diego with a smug shit-eating grin, “But they are just the best dads a kid could ask for.”
Diego kicked him under the table, hard. Number Five didn’t even flinch.
“What a smart, lovely boy,” the waitress cooed, “Oh aren’t you just to die for?” the waitress pinched Number Five’s cheek and walked away.
Number Five glared after her, rubbing his cheek angrily. She had already irked him earlier by simply laughing at him and calling him a ‘darling’ when he had tried to order a strong, black coffee.
“Serves you right,” Klaus told him, “For lying to that poor lady.”
Klaus supposed that maybe Number Five was just out for a bit of revenge for the fact that the time-jump had kept all of them in their adult bodies, but poor Number Five still remained a thirteen year old.
“You’ve been happy to play my dad before,” Number Five pointed out.
“And quite how,” Diego asked, “Did she even come to that conclusion?” He turned to where Luther, Allison and Vanya were sitting right beside them, and not hiding their amused smirks. “How did she make that assumption when there are literally all of us here together? Why didn’t she think that Five was yours?” he pointed his knife – luckily just a dining one, but in Diego’s hand still a deadly weapon – between Luther and Allison. “Or even yours?” he pointed it between Allison and Vanya, “If she was so determined to see a gay couple?”
“I don’t know,” Luther said. “Maybe you three look like a better fit as a family?"
Number Five let out a harsh laugh, “I think we can safely say that none of us fit as a family.”
“And that still doesn’t explain why she thinks we are a couple,” Klaus agreed, tapping his spoon against his coffee cup, considering, trying to ignore the way that Ben was sniggering from the table behind them. “Have I been looking too dreamily into your dark eyes, Diego?” Klaus swooned back into his brother’s side, before grinning at him innocently.
Diego rolled his eyes but did not push Klaus away.
“She could have also made assumptions because of the, erm,” Allison cleared her throat, healing voice scraping, “You know, the leather,” she gestured towards Diego, “And the…” she waved her fork towards Klaus, “The sparkly crop top,” she ducked her head under the table. “And skirt,” she finished, raising her eyebrow at Klaus.
“That could be it,” Ben inputted.
“You know that could be it,” Klaus agreed, pointing his spoon thoughtfully at Allison, “You may have a point. They aren’t used to these great heights of fashion, yet.” He leaned back and slung his arm over the back of the booth so that it lay behind Diego.
“What’s wrong with wearing leather?” Diego insisted, frowning.
“Nothing, sweetie,” Klaus reassured him, patting the side of his face affectionately, “You look splendid. Now smile for the nice waitress lady, she’s bringing the bill over.”
“We aren’t leaving a tip,” Number Five said bluntly.
*****
Two Bros Enter a Corner Store
Vanya came up with another suggestion later.
“It could be that it’s because you don’t look like siblings, but you are brotherly affectionate with each other,” Vanya said to Klaus, “And they just assume that because you don’t look like brothers, that easy affection is because you must be lovers.”
It had been nice, just recently, how easy Klaus had been feeling in Diego’s company. They were getting on as well as they had as kids, better, even, even after so many years apart and after only a few short weeks.
Klaus had been thrilled the first time Luther declared they should split into pairs and Diego had been the first to speak and had simply said, “Let’s go Klaus,” like he hadn’t given the others a thought; he knew who he wanted to pair up with. And while it was usual for Luther and Allison to pair up, and Number Five and Vanya, and sometimes Allison and Vanya, and Luther and Number Five, depending on necessity; Diego and Klaus just started to pair up naturally.
They were also talking more. In a conversation that seemed eerily familiar, in a déjà vu kind of way, Diego had asked Klaus about his powers, properly for the first time, truly wanting to understand how it – and by association Klaus’ dependence on drugs – worked.
“The whole pesky thing doesn’t seem to work unless I’m sober.”
“So it’s easier to conjure Ben when you’re sober,” Diego had confirmed.
“Yes,” Ben had said from where he was leaning against the nearby counter. Klaus had confirmed it for Diego’s ears.
“And how about conjuring the one you lost?” Diego had asked, glancing at him. Because they talked about their feelings a bit more now, too. It’s what nearly dying in the apocalypse did for you, Klaus supposed. They had talked a little about Diego's lady cop ex-girlfriend too. “What was her name?”
“His name was Dave,” Klaus had told him, wistful, remembering. “We soldiered together in the A Shau Valley in the Mountain of the Crouching Beast.”
Diego hadn’t even batted an eyelid at Klaus’ admission of having a relationship with a man. “Well, Dave must have been a very special person,” was all Diego had said, “To put up with your weird-ass shit.”
It really had felt like a familiar conversation, but maybe that was because Klaus found himself being so comfortable talking about Dave with Diego. It was refreshing, particularly as Klaus hadn’t talked properly to his siblings in years.
“Yeah,” Klaus had laughed. Dave had put up with a lot of Klaus’ weird-ass shit. And he had most definitely been special. “Yeah, he was. He was kind, and strong, and vulnerable, and beautiful,” Klaus stopped, pictured Dave’s face, where he kept it safe and precious in the back of his mind. “Beautiful.”
So yes, Klaus and Diego had been spending increasing amounts of time in each other’s company, and they often partnered up for missions, and Klaus had always been tactile. He supposed that was why they got themselves into a misunderstanding for a second time.
“Diego waaaaait,” Klaus complained, trailing after Diego down the street. “Diegoooo, I’m tired. It’s been a long day. Let’s go and get some food.”
Diego huffed. “We had lunch two hours ago.”
“But I wasn’t hungry then, I’m hungry now. Please Diego, please?” he grabbed Diego’s arm and hung off it, looking at him imploringly. "Can we just stop for snacks somewhere?”
“Klaus we…”
“Look there! This one!” Klaus grabbed Diego’s hand and tugged him towards a corner store. “Just let me get some chips or chocolate or something ok? I’ll share!”
“Fine, fine,” Diego gave in and allowed himself to be dragged.
Until, of course, they entered the store and found themselves in the surprised and assessing stare of the cashier. It brought them both to a stop as they both realised that they had entered a shop holding hands, and both with their short-sleeved shirts showing off their matching Umbrella Academy tattoos. Except that the Umbrella Academy wasn’t going to be going public yet for another year, because they were in the past, so nobody knew the Academy symbol, so really it just looked like two young men with matching tattoos holding hands.
“Its fine,” Klaus told the young lady with a wide, pleasant smile, “He’s my brother.”
She looked even more disturbed.
“For fuck’s sake Klaus,” Diego groaned, letting go of Klaus’ hand and pushing him into the nearest food aisle.
*****
Two Bros Enter a Disagreement
“Where are we going?” Klaus said brightly.
Diego sighed. As much as he had started to enjoy partnering up with Klaus for missions, he had been intending to do this particular one alone. Number Five had asked him to do a quick reccy of a building that they would need to be getting into in the next week. He had managed to leave the warehouse that he and his siblings had occupied as a base without being followed, or so he thought. Klaus was waiting for him by the time he reached the car in the narrow street outside.
“We are not going anywhere. I am going to do a reccy of a building. You are staying here.”
“Oh no, no you don’t mon frère. I thought we were partners! And I have more than proven myself to be a hell of a useful lookout, if you recall.”
“I don’t even need a lookout for this, Klaus,” Diego insisted, “And I don’t need your particular skills for this, or Ben’s. It’ll be easier if I go alone to scout it out. If it’s just me, there will be less chance of detection. I’ve done it before. Many times.”
Klaus whipped his head to the side and said “Hush your noise, Ben.”
“Ben agrees with me, then?” Diego guessed, smiling with smug amusement.
“Yes, but he isn’t actually here so he doesn’t get a vote – hey!” Klaus protested to the empty space beside him as Klaus staggered a step, “We really need to have a chat about your pushing and shoving, Ben! Just because you can do that now doesn’t mean that you should…”
“Klaus,” Diego interrupted, drawing his brother’s wide, black-lined eyes back to him. “You know I have a point,” Diego said.
Klaus gaped at him and then glanced between Diego and the empty air beside him. “I cannot believe. That is literally just what Ben said.” He raised his hands in a show of incredulousness. “How are you both managing to gang up on me when one of you can’t even see and hear the other?”
Diego just shrugged, pleased to know that Ben was on his side, even if he couldn’t see him there. “Well it’s two against one, bro, so, too bad. I’m going alone.”
He turned to open the car door, but Klaus was already starting around to the passenger door.
“Hey. No! No, Klaus. I’m going alone. Number Five and Luther have okayed it! Ben and I both think it’s best you stay here. Just for this once, listen to me.”
“But we’re partners,” Klaus pouted.
“Please, Klaus,” Diego said, rounding the car and taking hold of Klaus’ shoulders. “I need you to stay here. Just, wait here for me, ok?” When Klaus refused to meet his eyes, stubbornly glaring sideways, Diego framed Klaus’ face with his hands, trying to force him to make eye contact. “Promise me – hey!” Diego lifted his hand from Klaus’ cheek to snap his fingers and encourage his brother’s drifting attention to slide back. “Promise me, Klaus. Promise you’ll stay here, and wait for me.”
Klaus sighed softly, deflating, “Ok, Diego,” he surrendered. “Yes, ok, I’ll wait for you.”
“I…” Diego started, before movement to their left had him turning his head sharply.
There were three women at the entrance to the narrow street, watching them.
“I’m sorry, can we help you?” Diego asked, attempting not to sound too sharp.
“Oh, no,” one of the women said, her tone dreamy, “Sorry we disturbed you, it was just all so…” she trailed off.
“Romantic,” one of her friends finished for her, wobbling a little on her high heels and likely the result of a few drinks. “It was goddamn romantic.”
“Come on girls, leave them alone,” the third rolled her eyes and successfully ushered her friends on their way.
“Wait for him!” the second girls’ shout carried back to them. “Don’t let that one go!”
“What,” Diego said into the silence that followed, “Was that about?”
Klaus tilted his head, looking thoughtful, “I believe they overheard you asking me to promise to wait for you, with my face held in your hands, and they believe that they stumbled upon some kind of romantic moment.” He sighed. “To be fair, it must have looked like something straight out of an epic romance…Romeo and Juliet...”
Diego stopped. He sighed; resigned now to the fact that people – more and more people, it seemed - believed that he was Klaus’ boyfriend and not his brother. Klaus looked like he didn’t particularly give a shit about it either. In fact, he appeared to be enjoying it.
“I’m going to go now,” he told Klaus firmly. “And you are going to go back inside, and wait until I come back. Ok? Don’t follow me.”
“But Romeo, all night I shall be crying out!” Klaus teased, “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?”
“Keep it down, Juliet, and shut the door, would you?” Diego said, “And move away from the car so I can get going.”
“Parting is such sweet sorrow…” Klaus called as he slammed the door shut and stepped back as Diego got into the driver’s seat.
“Go back inside, Klaus,” he called to him as he started the engine and drove away, to the sight of his brother in the rear-view mirror calling;
“That I shall say goodnight till it be morrow!” and then cackling like a madman.
*****
Two Bros Enter a Bar
The next misunderstanding took place in a bar. Diego and Klaus had gone alone, to observe some guy that Number Five believed could be a potential candidate for various apocalypse-causing events.
Number Five had been spending a lot of time with Vanya, discussing moments of her life where significant things had made her unknowingly suppress her powers further, or make her angry or feel rejected, or where any animosity towards her family grew further. This guy they were watching was some bastard that at some point in the next ten years would tell a young Vanya that her violin playing was unexceptional. And Number Five wanted to see if anything could be changed there, just the slightest nudge, to stop a particular event from happening as it had. It was a form of art, Number Five had told them many a time, editing the past to change the future.
Diego had been a bit wary about taking Klaus with him to the bar. There was a lot of temptation in all those sparkling bottles displayed behind the bar, and the smells of alcohol and smoke. But, to Klaus’ credit, he seemed absolutely fine, and the pair of them had occupied a table in the corner with which to subtly observe their person of interest.
“I’m sorry but this man is so, so boring,” Klaus groaned. “All he is doing is getting pissed. And it’s no fun when you can’t join in,” he pouted at Diego.
“We don’t have to stay much longer,” Diego said, stopping to stifle a yawn. “It’s getting late. I’ve got all the information I need.”
“You got information from just watching the guy sit there and drink himself to a stupor?”
“Sure,” Diego said, tapping a finger against the side of his head smugly, “Trained to be a cop, remember?”
“But did you become one though?” Klaus countered, resting his chin on his hands.
Diego held a hand to his chest like the insult had wounded. “I need to take a piss and then we’ll head back, yeah?”
“Oh sure,” Klaus lounged back in his seat, waving his hand in the direction of the men’s bathroom, “Piss away.”
Diego paused. He felt bad for asking, for questioning his faith in Klaus, but he felt he had to; “Are you going to be ok here by yourself?”
“If you are asking if I am going to try and get a drink while you are gone, I’m not,” Klaus said. “Promise.” He crossed his finger over his heart. “Cross my heart and hope, hope, hope to die.” He grinned, morbid, “I have neither the will nor the cash for an alcoholic beverage, so you can go and piss easy.”
Diego rolled his eyes. “Be right back.”
“Take your time,” Klaus dismissed, crossing his arms over his chest and turning his gaze back on the man they had been observing.
Diego went to the bathroom, took a piss, washed his hands and then came back into the bar. He honestly hadn’t been gone for long. The man they had been tailing had left, though, and although Klaus had not gotten himself a drink, as promised, he had not managed to stay out of trouble.
He was currently on his feet, glaring down three well-built men who were getting up in his space.
“You dressed like that and you’re telling me you’re not a cocksucker?” the frontman sneered.
Klaus was dressed as usual; black skinny jeans tight to his long legs, boots with a wedge heel, a tight red tank top under a black military-style jacket embroidered in gold. His eyes were adorned in his usual make-up. These men had assumed, and assumed very, very wrongly, that Klaus’ appearance made him easy pickings. They would soon learn what a fucking mistake that was; Diego had seen his brother fight enough people to know that.
“Oh I’m a cocksucker alright,” Klaus replied, voice bordering on dangerously cold, “I just have no interest in going anywhere near yours, sweetheart.”
“Fucking fag,” one of the other men growled.
“Fucking classic closeted homophobe,” Klaus replied, looking cheerful, sounding poisonous.
Diego barely had time to react before the frontman tried to throw a punch. Klaus ducked it easily and then got up in the man’s face, eyes crazed and manic. Klaus had started a fight with fucking war veterans before. These guys stood absolutely no chance.
But Diego didn’t want to be patching up his brother from any kind of brawl, and so decided to intervene. In an instant, he was standing beside the group, also right up in the front guy’s space.
“You try to touch him again and you will sorely regret it,” Diego warned, voice soft but laced with threat.
“And who are you?” The frontman turned his sneer to Diego, looking him up and down, taking in his shorter but broader stature, his tight dark outfit, black fingerless gloves and usual holsters. “His boyfriend?”
“Yeah, actually,” Diego said, making damn sure that all three of them got a good long look at the knives that he pulled from his holsters. “You got a problem with that?”
Klaus wrapped one of his long arms around Diego’s shoulders, and Diego felt his brother make a show of tracing a finger along the long white scar that ran along Diego’s head.
“He didn’t get this scar from a close shave, you know,” Klaus threatened pleasantly, “I’d say ‘you should see the other guy’ but there’s just a tombstone, so…”
Diego flipped one of the blades in his hand with ease and threw it towards the wall, where it hit the dartboard dead-centre, and in a flash he had filled his emptied hand with another knife. The men were looking a hell of a lot more wary, by that point. “I said,” Diego said slowly, “You got a problem with that?”
The frontman glanced at his minions and one of them shook his head, eyes wide. “No,” the frontman forced out, admitting defeat. “No problem.”
Klaus leant in to press a kiss against Diego’s temple and Diego was about two seconds away from telling him to stop pushing his luck. “Are you sure, fellas?” Klaus asked, and Diego didn’t have to look to know that Klaus’ eyes were probably wide, and filled with that crazed edge that he liked to bring forth to scare people a little.
“No problem,” the man gritted out.
“Good,” Diego said, and now feeling bold and certain of his and Klaus’ clear power over the situation when the men did not even make a comment about the kiss, he placed one of his hands on Klaus’ waist, “Come on babe,” he said, just to rub it in their faces and dare them to even try to make a comment about that, and steered Klaus out of the bar, keeping a knife on show just in case one of the fuckers tried anything stupid. They didn’t. They had heard the threats loud and clear.
“Diego,” Klaus swooned as soon as they got out into the night air, “If we weren’t brothers I’d be so darn horny right now.”
“Don’t make this weird,” Diego said, tone begging, as he lead the way towards where they had parked the car.
“You’re the one that called me babe, babe,” Klaus leered at him playfully as he rounded the car, looking for all the world as if that confrontation had been the most joyous thing ever.
“You’re making me regret this,” Diego complained, unlocking the car and opening the door, sliding into the driver’s seat.
“I’m sorry,” Klaus said, fanning himself like some flustered damsel as he got in the passenger side. “ I just love it when you get all protective.”
“Ok, you’ve made it weird,” Diego confirmed, even as his traitorous lips quirked into an amused smirk. “Stop.”
“Only if you stop ruining all future boyfriends for me. Dave made my standards very, very high, and you’re keeping them there. No men will ever compare.”
“I’m your brother,” Diego reminded him with exaggerated exasperation as he started the car and pulled onto the road. “I’m not supposed to help set your standards.”
“Too late,” Klaus swooned dramatically.
“Please tell me that Ben isn’t witnessing any of this.”
“Sure he is,” Klaus said. “He’s in the backseat.” Klaus turned to look at the empty backseat and then back at Diego. “He says hi. And that you really should stop setting such high expectations for boyfriend material.”
“Lord have mercy,” Diego muttered to himself as Klaus burst into cackles of laughter and Diego had absolutely no doubt that Ben was having a good old laugh about it too; to the extent that he could almost imagine the sound of it. And not for the first time he wished that he really could hear it.
*****
Three Bros Enter a Diner
“Why are we doing this again?” Klaus was asking Number Five, and to be honest, Diego had only been a second off asking for clarification himself.
Number Five heaved a great put-upon sigh, as though he was tired of their inferior intelligence, and explained once more;
“I’ve told you. The man who owns this diner is going to die tonight. He leaves it late, drunk, and gets mugged on the way home and he gets stabbed in the struggle. The man that then will buy this place will, in ten years’ time, have turned it into an Umbrella Academy shrine and will have a conversation with a curious and understandably bitter Vanya that pretty much encourages her to start writing that book of hers.”
“And so why exactly do we have to pretend that we are a couple and that you’re our adopted son?”
“To save the current diner owner.”
“I don’t follow,” Diego said.
“Of course you don’t,” Number Five rolled his eyes. “The current diner owner is privately gay, and he wants nothing more than to adopt a child. Something about this particular day makes him stay behind at the diner he owns and drink, and stay late, and later get mugged and die. By going in pretending to be a family…”
“We are a family,” Klaus reminded him helpfully.
Number Five’s jaw ticked. “…a family with same-sex parents and an adopted son, we are going to give him hope, in love, in rights, in adoption, and it means that he won’t stay late and drink, he will go home at closing, and he will not get mugged. Capeesh?”
“Au contraire,” Klaus said. “Certainly not capeesh. As much as I am happy to help save this man from dying today, how is him not-dying going to stop something that happens ten years from now?”
“This diner is a family business. He will own it until he passes it onto his children; which he can’t have unless he adopts. Either way, he will keep the diner for as long as he is able. So he won’t be selling it and it wouldn't be sold to the asshole who would buy it and turn it into some freaky museum about super children.”
“And these tiny little changes that have absolutely no direct connection to the event itself,” Diego clarified, “They actually work in changing the future.”
“Diego,” Number Five admonished, “Are you questioning my knowledge of changing the past to change the future? I was an expert in my field. I know precisely what I am doing. It is the subtle changes that make the most effective differences and the less destruction. Editing the past to change the future is a…”
“Form of art,” Diego said, knowing Number Five’s usual speech off by heart by that point, “Yeah, we know.”
“Don’t get stroppy,” Number Five scolded. “Now are you going to act like my parents or not?”
“Don’t speak to your father like that, Number Five,” Klaus scolded, linking his arm through Diego’s. “You are not the parent here.”
Number Five pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “Sometimes I goddamn feel like it.”
“Not our fault you’re old, old man,” Diego smirked.
“It is your faults that you are the ones standing here, though,” Number Five clapped back, “I figured you both get mistaken for boyfriends enough that you were the best people to ask along.”
“And who else would you have asked along?” Diego retorted, “To play a gay male couple? Because you only have Luther left as an option.”
“God could you imagine,” Klaus sniggered, “He would be so awkward.”
“Would you two focus?” Number Five snapped. “We need to go in there and put on a good performance.”
“Then wipe that scowl off your face, son of mine,” Klaus tutted, patting Number Five’s cheek. “And let the adults get to work.”
They entered the diner and took a table. The owner was serving behind the counter with a couple of waitresses, but with the waitresses preoccupied, it was him that came to the table to take their order. His name was Tom Downey and his nametag identified him as the person they were looking for, and were hoping to save. They made polite, light conversation during the taking of orders, but Klaus was in full showmanship-mode, making sure that Tom got enough hints that they were a family. Klaus would skate his fingers over Diego’s arm when addressing him, and smiling fondly at Number Five like a normal father would his son. Diego kept himself quieter than Klaus, but played along. He knew Tom was glancing at them every so often from the bar, and Diego played with Klaus’ fingers, inspecting Klaus' painted fingernails, as Diego, Klaus and Number Five talked amongst themselves.
Number Five was just about maintaining his patience and a nice, polite demeanour but Diego could tell he was having to try very, very hard and that was highly amusing. When Tom and the waitresses were out of ear shot Klaus and Diego took turns in attempting to wind him up, because in every other circumstance he would be biting their heads off.
"Behave yourself," Diego chided when Number Five snarled at Klaus and almost broke his charming facade. "Don't make us look like bad parents."
"Fuck off," Number Five growled under his breath.
"Language, Five,” Klaus sing-songed lightly.
Number Five smiled innocently, with too many teeth. "Sorry dads," He apologised sweetly, through his bared teeth.
"We aren't angry," Diego said, "Just disappointed."
Klaus grinned and sniggered. "Oooh Diego, you have that daddy voice down. I'm getting all broody."
"The things I do for the future," Number Five muttered wearily into his milkshake.
They had another brief, pleasant conversation with Tom when he brought their meals to the table, and again when he came to take their plates.
“Time to go up and have a chat,” Klaus decided eventually, taking charge of the situation. He led Diego and Number Five to the dessert counter, perusing the choices.
“Room for dessert then?” Tom asked amiably as he came to the counter. Diego could tell that he had relaxed to a genuine smile; his initial welcoming smiles had been much tighter and faker.
“I think so,” Klaus said, hand finding Number Five’s shoulder, “Don’t you kiddo?” he asked Number Five.
Number Five grinned and nodded, playing along, “Always room for dessert.”
“The boss has spoken,” Klaus agreed, “Pick something out then.” He glanced at Diego, “Do you want to share something, hun?”
Diego nodded, “Sure, whatever you’re having.”
Klaus beamed and he and Number 5 chose desserts.
“You don’t mind us sitting at the counter for them do you?” Klaus asked Tom pleasantly, already perching himself on one of the tall stools lined up alongside it.
“Not at all,” Tom said, serving them a slice of apple pie for Klaus and Diego, and unsurprisingly, coffee-flavoured ice cream for Number Five. “So,” Tom asked, picking up cloth and cleaning the surface of the glass dessert display case. “What brings you here today, gents?”
“Oh, just a lunch stop on a family outing.”
“So you are a family?” Tom asked, “I did wonder but I…” he trailed off. “I didn’t want to assume.”
“It’s a little unconventional,” Klaus admitted, glancing at Diego in pretence of caution, “So we understand.”
“I don’t think it’s unconventional,” Tom said immediately, glancing around to make sure no-one was listening in before saying, “I myself am the same way inclined.”
“Oh, I see!” Klaus said brightly, lighting up as though the news made him like Tom infinitely more. “Well it has been so nice to meet you, and the food here is just wonderful. I’m Kurt,” he said, before gesturing to Diego, “And this is my partner Dante. And this is our son.”
“Your son,” The man had paused in his cleaning. He looked at Number Five first and then at Diego and finally at Klaus; chatty Klaus, who would provide him the answer.
“He’s adopted,” Klaus smiled at him. He leaned further over the counter with a stage whisper; “It’s why we don’t look alike.”
“You managed to go down the adoption route?”
“Yes. Unfortunately it had to be through single-parent adoption, though. Shame it has to be that way at the moment but laws is laws is laws, and that isn’t changing quite yet. It will, one day, but not yet,” Klaus said. “Not that single-parent adoption isn’t wonderful when a partner isn’t involved, of course. I myself was adopted and raised by a single father.”
Klaus was effectively pulling off the act of the kind of person that is very nice and very chatty but to the point where they will happily tell you their whole life story, very nicely and very chattily, without you even asking. It was a decent tactic. It meant that Tom became more involved and interested in them, which is what they needed to happen.
“And you, Dante?” Tom asked, seeming to be genuinely interested.
Diego decided to go a different route to Klaus, if only for the reason that it would be a bit unusual for both of them to have had a background in adoption. “I was raised by my Mom,” he said instead. And an advanced chimpanzee he thought, but definitely did not say.
Tom nodded. “I have to say, it’s refreshing to see a couple so open and honest about their love. It’s still hard these days.”
“Oh it is, and that concern meant that I nearly missed out on my chance with Dante.” Klaus then launched into another of his spiels that Tom was somehow not finding at all tiresome; he seemed to be hanging on Klaus’ every word. “Dante and I have known each other since childhood. We studied together at the same school. I had a crush on him for years, because he is just beautiful.” Klaus sighed and rested his chin on his hand, looking at Diego like he really was the light of his life. “But alas I was never brave enough to speak to him about it. But the day after high school graduation I decided it was my last chance, so I plucked up the courage and well, we’ve been together ever since.” Klaus slid his hand over the counter to tangle his fingers with Diego’s. “I decided I was done waiting and hiding, and so when we eventually discussed adoption, we decided to just go for it.”
“It’s admirable,” Tom said, wistful. “I had considered single-parent adoption myself, actually.”
“It’s a wonderful thing,” Diego spoke up, feeling that it was about time he said something, despite having happily fallen into the role of the calmer, quieter and less excitable half of the partnership. “The process takes a while, but it’s worth it, in the end.” And he reached out and ruffled Number Five’s hair because he knew that it would really, really, make Number Five angry and Number Five would be able to do nothing about it.
“Oh yes,” Klaus agreed with a grin, his eyes laughing at Diego ruffling Number Five’s hair all askew. “We are very lucky to have our Five.”
Tom stopped, frowned. “Five?”
Diego almost reacted with a grimace, because no sane person would call their child Five unless they were an eccentric old man with seven children that he saw as experiments and projects above all else. He was about to silently curse Klaus his slip of the tongue, but Klaus didn’t even miss a beat in smoothing over his blunder, “It’s our nickname for him,” he said. “His name’s Fieval. His birth mother was Jewish. And possibly a big fan of ‘An American Tail’.”
Number Five scowled and Diego knew that he was inwardly seething, but Tom laughed in a kind way, looking to Number Five with a pleasant smile and Number Five had to school his expression very quickly. “It is nice to meet you Fieval.”
Number Five put on his sweet and innocent act that seemed to work well on strangers but just seemed unnervingly weird to Diego. “A pleasure to meet you too, Sir.”
“What a polite young man,” Tom beamed. “Well raised,” he said, smiling at Klaus and Diego.
“Thank you,” Diego smiled genuinely, despite knowing that not a single one of Reginald Hargreeves’ children had been raised well; by their father at least. Mom, though, she had been a saint. And Pogo had been a constant, calm presence. The only reason any of them had turned out even half-decent had been because of Mom and Pogo.
“Ah shoot,” Klaus exclaimed, checking his watch, and looking at Diego, “Darling, we have to make a move or we are going to be late.” He looked back to Tom. “Could we get the bill, please, Tom?”
“Oh sure,” Tom smiled.
He got them the bill and Diego counted out what was owed in cash, along with a healthy tip.
“Thanks for a great meal,” Diego smiled.
“And don’t you give up on adopting,” Klaus told him, “If you really want to do it, you go for it. It’s worth it. Kids that aren’t wanted by their birth parents get a whole new family to love and care for, even if it is a little unconventional.”
And it was sweet, really, because that last part from Klaus actually sounded genuine; like it came from experience.
“Thank you for being so open and honest,” Tom thanked them in turn. “I think I really needed to hear it today. So, thanks.” He took the money from Diego and counted it out, looking up at him with an even bigger smile. “And thank you very much for being so generous.”
“It was well earned,” Diego said, ushering Number Five off his stool and letting Klaus take his hand.
“You guys enjoy the rest of your day,” Tom told them.
“And you,” Klaus beamed back at him.
Have a good day and don’t die at the end of it, Diego urged him silently.
And then they left, walking out into the parking lot. As they neared the car, Number Five punched Diego in the arm.
“Ouch!” Diego protested, “What the hell was that for?”
“For ruffling my hair!” Number Five growled and attempted to thwack Klaus as well but he leaped out of the way. “And you calling me Five.”
“Now now, Fieval, don’t start a tantrum,” Klaus grinned widely. He stopped and turned around, bending with his hands on his knees until he was eye-level with Number Five and spoke to him patronisingly; “If you’re good we can go and get another celebratory ice cream!”
“Fuck off Klaus,” Number Five said. “I’m going back to base. Stay in the car and see what time Tom leaves. Make sure he doesn’t die.” And with that he disappeared off back to base.
Klaus smirked at Diego, “Ahh, they grow up so fast, don’t they?”
Diego rolled his eyes and shook his head.
He had been more than a little impressed by Klaus’ smooth performance in the diner and decided to tell Klaus so; “You lie scarily well, you know,” he said.
“Well husband mine, I have had much, much practice.”
Diego was not sure he wanted to know quite how and why Klaus had developed such a skill. He had a feeling the root would be sad and depressing and drug-related.
“Brother mine,” Diego corrected.
Klaus grinned, “You called?”
Diego sighed and grabbed Klaus’ sleeve, pulling him in the direction of the car. “Dave must have had the patience of a saint,” he told Klaus. “But, he was also lucky to have you.”
“Aww Diego,” Klaus beamed, looking emotional all of a sudden, throwing his arm around Diego’s shoulders. “You are too sweet to me.”
Diego heard giggling and he glanced at a group of girls gathered to one side of the parking lot, watching them and whispering and giggling to each other.
“It’s happening again,” Diego said.
Klaus glanced over at the group of girls and laughed, “Fuck ‘em,” he said airily, before shouting at them, “He’s my brother!” He pulled Diego into a tighter embrace. “We like to keep it in the family! And we aren’t even the worst of it! You should see our other brother and sister!”
The girls all stopped and stared, before hurrying away, gossiping and glancing back at them.
“Jesus Christ,” Diego grumbled, disentangling himself from Klaus’ long limbs and putting his head in his hands. “I think I prefer them just misunderstanding.”
Klaus threw his head back and laughed that manic laugh of his, before stopping abruptly. “Come on, hubby, we have a mission to finish.” And he started pulling Diego towards the car.
And Diego realised he really had truly resigned himself to the fate of regularly being mistaken for his brother’s partner.
“Our family’s fucked up,” he told Klaus as they got into the car.
“Oh yeah,” Klaus agreed, without a second’s hesitation, “Totally fucked up. But at least there is never a dull moment.”