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Sam just couldn't take it anymore. The delusions, the hallucinations. It was so muddled and confusing, not knowing what was real half the time and what wasn't. Even now, as he stared at Lucifer who was definitely in the cage, Sam was so sure he was right here with him in the dingy, cheap motel of the day.
“Just stop it!” Sam half demanded, half begged.
“Stop what, Sam?” Lucifer asked with a knowing smirk, his deep voice mocking and cruel.
“Stop with the fire and the hooks and just – everything. Stop it!” Sam cried as he fisted his hair and pulled to grasp some sort of reality and balance. “Please.”
Lucifer frowned from where he sat on the corner chair, the bad leg of it ignored as the Devil leaned forward, hovering the reversed front legs off the ground as he crossed his arms over the back of it.
Sam didn't expect his plea to achieve anything – after all, nothing had stopped the Devil before, but to his shock, the flames currently flickering around him disappeared and the world was normal again.
Sam gasped for breath, his heart hammering in his chest and adrenalin pumping through his veins at an alarming rate. His fingers pounded with the echo of his heartbeat as he stared at the Devil through wide eyes still haunted with the images of moments ago.
Lucifer watched on with his frown as Sam struggled to regain himself. He sighed and let the chair fall back with a thump. He turned his eyes to the ceiling and smirked. Words non-caring, Lucifer asked, “What's wrong, Sam? Can't handle a little fun?”
“Fun? You call that fun?” Sam shook his head, body tense and unable to relax. The last thing he should be doing is smarting off to the Devil after getting a reprieve from torment, but he couldn't help it.
Lucifer hummed noncommittally. “Of course. You're my favorite attraction. There's always fun in watching you squirm. You're terrified of me, Sam, and you should be.”
Sam scowled, rage and fear mixing and building inside him and vibrating under his skin. “So much for never wanting to hurt me, right? Or does that not apply to you when you're just an image in my head?”
Lucifer's smirk dropped and he stared hard at him. “I never wanted to hurt you, Sam. I never lied to you – not once. I wouldn't start now.” He tilted his head, eyes not once wavering. “So tell me, does that make me real? Or have you decided for certain that I'm just a hallucination? What's happening here, oh wise sir? Am I a figment of your distorted mind? Oh Sam, are you so messed up that you're tormenting yourself?” He tutted mockingly. “You should get that checked.”
Sam dragged in a breath through clenched teeth and fought for calm. He hated Lucifer and this sick, twisted game. But he was fighting a losing battle when it came to these torture sessions. This was the first time Sam had spoken to the hallucination of Lucifer in weeks and if talking to air stopped the pain, he was all for it even if it left a taste of wrong and crazy in his mouth. “Why are you doing this?”
Lucifer smiled and it sent shivers of unease and wariness up Sam's spine. “You're speaking as if I'm real. Will you make up your mind?”
“What are you?” Sam demanded, throwing his body to its feet in a fit. “Are you real!?” he yelled, a mixture of a tortured plea and a harsh command for an answer. “Are you Lucifer, some how escaped from the cage to torture me?”
“Why would I tell you that, when it's so much more fun to watch you go crazy?”
Sam shuddered, a fear nagging on the back of his mind. He really was worried he was going insane. It was impossible to miss the looks Dean sometimes sent his way. They grew more worried by the day and despite the limits of their existence under the radar, Sam feared that it wouldn't be too long before Dean might have him committed. Probably under the name Jared Padalecki, just for the fun of it, he bet.
“So the torture continues,” Sam said to himself, despondent and practically hopeless.
“Oh Sam, it's only been two months. I'd thought you'd have more stamina than that.” Lucifer shook his head in disappointment.
“It's been years,” Sam snapped. “Replaying your torture from Hell hardly counts as a new start!”
Lucifer stared at Sam and his eyes narrowed. The look was almost confused. “What are you talking about, Sam?” the hallucination asked, truly curious. There was a furrow in his brow and Sam mentally awed at the ability the mind had to create a thing that was so real, it was impossible to think it wasn't.
“What am I talking about!?” Sam demanded in the beginnings of hysteria. “The fire! Burning me alive over and over again! Hanging my body on hooks, suspended as you cut me open! What did you think I meant!?”
Lucifer didn't move for a long, tense moment. But when he stood, the movement was fluid and with purpose. He left his position and stood opposite Sam and spoke quietly. “I never tortured you.”
“Are you kidding me?Am I making all this up then? For years we were locked in Hell! I might be mentally fucked up, but I can't possible forget that!”
The eyes were unwavering. “No Sam,” the Devil spoke. “You're wrong. I never laid a finger on you in the Cage.” Lucifer took steps forward until there was a foot of space between them and reached up to cup Sam's face who was too shocked to move away. “You're my vessel. Why would I ever hurt you?”
Sam gave a choked up noise and managed to pull away from Lucifer as he stumbled back harshly. “Says the pathological liar who just so happens to be the Devil.”
Lucifer's face grew tense and harsher instantly. “You're forgetting that I'm also an angel. An archangel. I was here to see the creation of this planet and this infinite galaxy. My father created everything around you Sam, made it possible for you and the rest of the destructive populace to live. I am more powerful than you can even imagine. I don't need to lie.”
“Just manipulate, then?” Sam retorted.
Lucifer shrugged. “I can't help how people interpret the truth. Whether telling it one way may lead to my benefit is not up for debate.”
Sam shook his head. He couldn't take this. It was pointless. Just a random fight with air. He was having a fucking fight with air! Air that was telling him it had never hurt him before. “So tell me in any and every way. How often did you hurt me in Hell?” he mocked.
“Never.”
There was silence.
“Sam, you're forgetting that we are one. Just because you didn't have your body, it didn't make that any less true. You were made for me, body and soul. No matter what you did or how you did it, I could never bring myself to harm you.” Lucifer's voice was breathtakingly sincere, not the smallest bit deceiving. His tone was soft and imploring. “Any torture you same by was at the hands of Micheal.
Sam stared at the Devil. 'You're lying,' was what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell the Devil he wasn't going to fall for his tricks again, but he couldn't. Because...
Because for the brief time they were one, Sam had experienced a happiness so profound at finally feeling complete that it was difficult to comprehend wanting to do anything to change that.
“I couldn't protect your soul Sam because without a body to contain you, we could not join. I tried often to distract Michael,” he continued, eyes boring into Sam's own. “What you went through would have been much worse.”
“Distract how?” Sam asked, voice cracking.
Lucifer didn't answer right away so Sam knew he wouldn't like the answer. “Michael may have hated you for dragging him with me and stopping our fight, but he is still is a protector of our father's creations. He could hurt you, but he would never stand for Adam coming to harm.”
Sam gasped. In that moment he realized how little he had though of his brother, still trapped in the Cage with to vicious and angry Archangels.
Lucifer didn't so much as show a bit of remorse as he said, “I was able to tear into Adam. Micheal would never smother out his soul and that left your brother close enough to the surface to be hurt. And I played, Sam. I played and tormented him. But I would never hurt you.”
He was going to be sick. “I shouldn't believe you.”
“But you know it's true,” Lucifer replied. “You don't want to think about it, but inside, you know deep in your soul that I never once hurt you. If I'm real Sam, I would never lie to you. And if I'm just a made up form in your imagination, created from Hell, don't you think I would stem from memories of horror? I know what happened in the Cage in either case.”
“Are you real?” Sam asked again, voice soft with childlike fear. His mind was reeling. Was it possible? No. No it wasn't.
But was it?
Lucifer watched him for a while, their stand off lasting longer than Sam kept track of. Eventually Lucifer stepped forward and followed Sam as he instinctively retreated. He got a breath's length apart and just watched Sam from this distance for a long time. At last he replied, “No, Sam. I'm not.”
Then he disappeared.
-
Lucifer never left him for long. He appeared only hours after leaving, popping up twenty minutes into the new episode of Dr. Sexy Dean watched from the edge of his bed.
“Miss me, Sam?” the Devil asked.
Sam shuddered but didn't reply. He tried to never reply when Dean was around.
“You okay?” his brother asked, trained to catch the smallest motion his little brother made.
“I'm fine.” It was an answer they both used, but rarely meant. Still, Dean nodded and focuses back on the tv even though they both didn't believe it. Dean knew Sam still saw Lucifer, but there wasn't anything he could do besides watch his brother and make sure nothing happened to him.
Days passed in similar fashion. The hunted, saved people, ate, and slept. Sam knew Dean kept their cases light on purpose and was torn between being irritated and being grateful.
Lucifer hadn't tortured him since that day.
-
It had been building up inside him for a while and with Dean out for the night at some bar, Sam took this rare opportunity to sate his curiosity.
“So you're not the Devil,” he said suddenly, it phrased like a statement even though it hung like a question.
Lucifer arched an eyebrow. “Depends on how you look at it. You tell me.”
Sam bit hit lip. “If you're not real, you're just a hallucination. But a damn good one.” He hesitated. “I've been reading about cases of schizophrenia that are severe enough to create an entirely separate personality from the original.”
Lucifer grinned, all sharp lines and predatory approach. “Are you saying I'm actually one with you Sam?”
Sam cut off the mocking before it could truly begin. “No. I know you're not real and that you're not me. But you're real to an extent. You may be part of my subconscious, but part of you is separate from me. I can't control you and get you to disappear, so something else is there...” he paused, “... inside me.”
Lucifer crossed his legs in the chair and leaned his head on the his palm where his arm leaned on the table. “Go on.”
Nothing in the tone suggested he was just humoring Sam, so he continued somewhat cautiously. “When I said yes, we were... one. I mean, I felt everything that you felt.” He trailed of at that, mind easily traversing back to the memory of how perfect and whole he felt for the first time in his life. How the grace of the Devil; light and holy, surrounded him so entirely and how he felt everything the angel felt. A vastness he couldn't comprehend, thoughts that made no sense, languages he couldn't hope to understand. But he did. Because they were one.
He hadn't realized his eyes had fallen shut until he felt breath on his face and they snapped open. Lucifer was right in front of him, gaze intense. “Yes, he hissed, voice heavy with emotion Sam had only been able to carry once and could no longer grasp.
He took a shuddering breath and forced himself away from both Lucifer and the hauntingly peaceful memory. “You're something like a hallucination,” he continued, voice weak and more than a little rough. “But I think you're more. Something like... like that couldn't just disappear. You're... you're a connection. To the real Lucifer. You – he is still in the cage, but he's here.” He swallowed heavily. “You are Lucifer, even though you're not.”
Lucifer watched him, his blue eyes sharp and locked on his form. “Such a smart boy,” he practically purred.
Something about his voice has Sam both worried and – embarrassingly – aroused.
Whoa. Lock that up an never acknowledge it.
It was quiet as that discovery settled.
“So,” Sam started, “You really have hurt me. Now, I mean.”
Lucifer's eyes narrowed. “I'm angry, Sam, but I never really hurt you.”
“What was the point of it all? What is the point? Why are you here?” Sam asked. Better not to dwell on those words.
“I'm here for the same reason as before, Sam.”
Sam's heart stopped. “The apocalypse?”
Lucifer shook his head slowly. “You.”
“What?” Was that even a word? It was broken and weak, cracked half way and barely choked out.
Lucifer sighed. “It's always been about you, Sam. Always. You're forgetting that I didn't want to fight Micheal. The apocalypse was a goal to rid the world of the humans that are destroying this planet. But you, Sam, were always something so much more. You were made for me. Your body alone could truly hold me. We were meant for each other. You're mine and nothing has changed that. I will continue here, with you, as I will continue to fight this damning Cage. Because I will have you, Sam Winchester. We are meant to be one.”
“No,” Sam replied immediately, shaking his head. “I'm no ones and you're never getting out.”
The Devil's eyes burned then. The air around his unreal form shook and trembled and Sam briefly forgot that Lucifer really wasn't here and couldn't do anything. “You say that now, but I know differently.” The words were harsh and certain. “You felt what we were meant to be, Sam. You know we're made for each other. And I won't let you get away. Not again.”
-
Leviathans. Angels. Demons. Ghosts. Devils. Gods.
Everything just kept getting worse didn't it? No matter how hard Dean and he worked, it would never be enough. The world just kept throwing more shit at them and Sam was just so tired of it.
He was tired all the time now. Tired of hurt, loss, life. He just wanted it all to end. Betrayal. Distrust. Things he'd never expect from Dean in the beginning. He might have deserved them. He'd made many bad decisions in his life that it made sense. But after everything, it's like nothing could make up for it.
Dean treated him like a threat he had to constantly watch. He couldn't trust his decisions or his choices. How they were even able to work together astounded him.
Sam fell to the bed of the abandoned motel room and roughly pushed his palms into his eyes, seeing lights as he fought off tears of frustration. Why? Why? Why?
“Oh, Sam,” a voice cooed softly.
Sam didn't react, having long since gotten used to Lucifer appearing out of no where. “Leave me alone.”
“I can't do that, Sam.”
Sam hated how the Devil used his name often and said it with such reverence like it was a prayer, like he was a god to be worshiped. It hadn't changed since the moment he had first met Lucifer in his dreams. Not once. And it made him uncomfortable.
“You can. Just disappear. Leave.” He wanted to wallow in peace.
“I can't guarantee you won't hurt yourself. I won't let you do that.”
Sam snorted. “Why? Because you don't have the mojo to bring me back to life if I died?” he bit out with a harsh laugh. But he cut himself off immediately, the thought still in his head.
“No,” Lucifer growled intensely, dark enough that Sam's eyes snapped to his in a knee jerk reaction to fear. “Don't you even think of it.”
He wasn't. Not really. He would never kill himself. He couldn't do that to Dean even if they were having problems. Not when the world still needed him.
He sighed. “Whatever.” How petulant.
A hand began carding through his hair and Sam jerked, surprised by the sudden touch. Lucifer hardly ever touched him. And this.. familiar touch made him feel uneasy. But he didn't pull away. There was something comforting about the touch. Probably because he had always liked it when someone ran their fingers through his hair.
“You don't need to fight so hard,” Lucifer said. “You don't have to fight at all.”
Sam scowled up at the Devil. “What? I thought you didn't want me to kill myself.”
Lucifer frowned. “I don't.” There was a sharp pull that had Sam stifling a gasp and shot of desire. “And you won't.” He continued the soothing motions after a bit. “But there are other options.”
Sam almost asked, 'Like what?' but as he watched Lucifer reverently staring at him, he knew the answer. “No,” he said instantly and sat up. What was he doing, letting the Devil play with his hair. Seriously!?
“Why, Sam?”
“Because! Why would I do that? Give you back control! Ha! You'd just destroy the world I've been trying to save!”
“A world that keeps getting itself into trouble,” Lucifer growled back, angry as he stared up at the human.
“That's not the point!”
“Then what is?” Lucifer asked. “What’s the point of fighting? What's the point of hurting yourself day in and day out to save someone you don't know who could very well die tomorrow?”
That gave him pause. Honestly, Sam was loosing his grasp on that answer every day. “Because it's right.”
“Says who? Your rather? My father? Free will, Sam. Something you and I utilized to get away from those people. To follow our own ideas and goals.”
“We are so similar. Practically the same I would say. What I'm offering you is what I've always offered you. Peace. Happiness. To never have to be alone again.” Lucifer's voice was softening now, encouraging. He walked forward. “I'd never betray you, Sam. You'd always have me, and I, you. You wouldn't have to worry any more. Or fight for a cause you're loosing faith in.”
Sam closed his eyes against the idea, against Lucifer's tempting offer. “I can't.”
“Why, Sam?” The question was soft and so simple.
The answer wasn't. Sam scrounged for it, tried to dig deep for the idea, the memory of the reason. But it had been fading for years. “What about you?” he asked instead. “What do you get?”
Lucifer smiled gently at him, a sight Sam hadn't seen before. “Aside from you?” He asked and shrugged delicately. “Nothing more important than that. I may get out of my Cage. I wouldn't have to fight my own brother, but you, my Sam, are the main reason.”
“Why?”
“Thousands of years.” he answered which caused Sam to furrow his brow.
“What?”
“For so many years, I've been alone, locked away in Hell like a trapped bird. Every day I heard the screams of damned souls and the distant speech of my brothers and sisters. I listened but couldn't reach them. I waited a millennia after first hearing of your name. It filled me with something I hadn't known before. Hope.”
Sam felt himself flush for some reason.
“Sam, I've waited for you from the moment we were told you would exist. You are the most important thing to me. You're all I want.”
He couldn't believe what h was about to say. “Prove it.”
Lucifer's eyes sharpened. “Excuse me?”
Sam took in a shuddering breath. “If I'm all you want, then give everything else up. No battle, no apocalypse. No destroying humanity or fighting your family. Just... me.” He stared into Lucifer's too blue eyes seriously. “Could you really do that? Because that's what it means for me to be the most important thing.”
“What are you implying?” the Devil asked softly, dangerously.
“A compromise.” He had enough of life as it was, but he still had his morals and beliefs. “You give up all that, and you let everyone live. You don't ever hurt anyone I have cared about. And we share my body, not just you taking over with me in the background. With that, you get me, up here and away from the Cage. Together for however long this world lasts.”
“Don't play with me, Sam.”
He shook his head. “I'm not. That's my offer. All you have to do is say 'Yes,' and I'll give you the answer you always wanted. We're still connected, I can feel it even without you here. If I give consent, there is no reason you couldn't come to me and escape the Cage.”
“You would do that?” Lucifer scoffed. “Unleash the Devil on Earth?”
Straightening, Sam replied, “No. I'd free you in exchange for the lives of everyone on this planet. And you'd get me.” He tacked the last part on.
Really, that's all he could hope for. Lucifer hadn't hurt him before. Nor had he lied. And even now, when things get bad, he could still remember how impossibly perfect he had felt, joined with Lucifer. That kind of peace and happiness was why he had started the family business in the first place. To save people and feel good doing it.
“And how do you know I'd keep to my promise?” he taunted.
“I don't.” Sam replied and looked down. “But you're an angel. And you told me you'd never lie to me. All you have to do is say yes.”
He can't believe how desperate he's getting. He was practically begging Lucifer.
How the tables have turned.
“Yes,” Lucifer said softly.
Sam jolted and stared at Lucifer with wide, disbelieving eyes. “What?” He hadn't heard right. He couldn't –
“Yes, Sam.” Lucifer closed the last of their distance and his entire body pressed against the full length of his vessel's. “I will. In exchange for you.”
Sam sucked in a sharp breath. An ache in his chest eased and suddenly the heaviness of lives lost, past mistakes, and bad choices was lifted off his back.
If that wasn't enough of a reason, there was no reason.
“Yes,” he replied.