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There were no sounds surrounding him except the echo of the cicadae’s cries drifting through the forest. He was leaning against a gigantic tree trunk, having a staring contest with the moon as he waited for the time to past. Rai was the second one to guard tonight. Warped protectively by his tail was a childishly-coloured cat, who had fallen asleep like a log the moment they switched and his back touched the ground. Inhale, exhale, inhale, then exhale again. Rai had turned to gaze at him before he knew it. There must be a mysterious power coming from the idiot cat’s sleeping face – it looked so idiotic it pulled him in.
Rai signed softly, taking the crooked tail in one hand to examine. If not for the luster of its fur (and it was thank to him) one could easily mistake it for a tail that was just harshly stepped on. However, there seemed to be as many different viewpoints on crooked tails as cats. Bardo had once tried to trick the idiot cat to be his inn’s mascot on the first day of Spring festival, saying that his crooked tail had the power not unlike a hook to pull luck to the inn. Unfortunately he was overheard by the owner of said tail and earned a full set of claws to the face. How foolish.
Besides, even if that good-for-nothing innkeeper had gotten an okay, Rai would have rejected it. The fact that this cat was his Sanga was already so obvious there were hardly anyone in the underworld not being aware of it - why would Rai accept the idea of him becoming someone else’s mascot? Leaving that aside there was absolutely no way such ridiculous plan would actually work. The idiot cat could barely take care of himself as he was, so he would probably need all the luck he pulled along to survive. It was understandable that Rai had to be there to protect this stubborn, reckless, directionally-challenged cat.
(Something prickled at the back of his mind. Let’s forget it.) Rai turned back to the moon, absent-mindedly stroking the crooked tail that he couldn’t help... not hating.
“... Ugh.”
The smaller cat’s regular breathing had suddenly turned erratic without him doing anything. Rai had a bad premonition about this.
“Oi, stupid cat. Wake up.”
Tightly pursed lips. Flattened ears. Clenching fists.
He was having a nightmare.
“Wake up.”
“...”
“Wake up. Konoe.”
Konoe opened his eyes at the sound of his name. Rai let out a relieved sigh he didn’t know he had been holding, chest awfully lighter as he searched deep into the orange marbles. Normally Rai would choose the most effective way to wake him, which was pinching the crooked part of his tail, but tonight he wasn’t in the mood to abuse the pitiful thing. No, more like its owner had been in enough pain Rai didn’t want to add any more to it.
Konoe was trembling. Like his second nature, he grabbed Rai’s tail so hard it hurt, as if he was hanging onto the only lifeline. Rai let him. Since when had Rai gotten this burning urge to ask if he was okay, despite knowing he wasn’t? Since when had he desperately wanted to brush away those tears, despite knowing they wouldn’t stop? Since when had he yearned to embrace this fragile creature, despite knowing how unlike him it was?
Rai stayed still. After all, any more than this was unlike him.
Yet he wanted to do something, anything.
Being this indecisive was, too, unlike him.
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Konoe carried a sorrowful fate, the Poet said.
Why did it have to be him, he sometimes wondered. Wasn’t it unfair that he was the only one having to carry such burdens? Drowned in self-pity in the coldness of a dark forest, yet trembling not from the cold... and not knowing when it would suddenly happen.
The fluffy tail gripped in his hand reminded him of his answer: because all of this made him ‘Konoe’.
Konoe, a cat of Karou (though it was no more).
Konoe, the son of his parents.
Konoe, a friend of Tokino, Asato and (surprisingly) Bardo.
Konoe, Rai’s only partner.
Still, the trembling wouldn’t stop. So much red remained at the back of his mind, staining his vision, gnawing away his resolve. Like a lost child searching for home, Konoe turned to look at the owner of the tail. His icy blue, despite plagued with worry, was truly calming.
...
...
... Was it his imagination or Rai was strangely fidgety?
Konoe had to hold back an amused laugh (or else it would be a one-hit-KO to Rai’s pride). Rai was only like this when he was torn about something, most commonly considering if he was going to do or say something to Konoe.
Will you just be out with it. “What’s wrong?” – Konoe had completely forgotten how pathetic he always sounded after these nightmares. Frustrated, he bit his lips.
“... Nothing.”
Nothing he said. Konoe discreetly looked away before rolling his eyes. Oh well, one couldn’t have too much. He was grateful for the tail, so he thought of voicing his gratitude despite hating the frailty of his own voice.
“You know...” / “So...” – they both talked at the same time. Konoe wanted to hit his own head against the tree trunk. This is awkward.
“You first.” – he hurriedly replied, drowning out the “wh-” that was just formed on Rai’s lips. Maybe he was playing dirty, since Konoe knew Rai would not back out, being the stubborn and prideful cat he was. He almost hated himself for it if not for the swelling pride of being the one to understand Rai the most.
His hunch was right. For a while, only the sound of cicadas and the wind surrounded the two of them, but eventually Konoe could feel the tip of Rai’s tail twitch in his hand before its owner spoke, turning his gaze toward the moon.
“... A song.”
“...E...h?”
“Sing me a song.”
“...Sing?”
“As long as it’s not a song for battle, anything is fine. Can you sing?”
Words like falling stone stirred the ripples of his memory.
Even if Rai said it, Konoe didn’t know, he remembered thinking. Right now he also thought the exact same thing. Konoe had never tried singing in his current state – mind unstable, body trembling, vision vividly stained red; all in all, still traumatized from Leaks’ memories. He wondered what was up with the sudden and seemingly impossible request. Did Rai have something in mind? Perhaps his thought had wandered, and now he was also in pain just like Konoe was?
Self-doubt was raging inside him as he considered his answer. However, Konoe didn’t want to say no. He trusted Rai.
“... I’ll try.”
Konoe closed his eyes and breathed in as evenly as he could. This was not a song of battle, but Konoe always started with a place that reflected the feelings of wanting to protect his partner. Somewhere peaceful, calm, with a tint of sadness. Even with his eyes closed, Konoe could sense the usual white lights rising from within his body.
Then, from behind his eyelids, that place... was dyed red. With fire, chaos... and screams of agony.
Konoe painfully gasped for breaths. Still faintly echoing in his ears was a sound like glass breaking when his light was fragmented. Meeting his now opened eyes was an icy blue marble.
Since when had Rai turned back toward him? Probably when he closed his eyes in preparation. That must mean Rai saw his disappointing display just now... Frustration welling up inside him, Konoe quickly let go of Rai’s tail before he accidentally sank his claws into it. Instead he did so to the cold earth, wishing it was his own arms they had sunk into – then at least the distraction could relieve this pain in his heart somewhat.
And then, Konoe sensed movements. The thicker tail pulled his along, both wrapping around Konoe’s waist. Rai inched closer, still looking at him, with not a hint of disappointment. He had been waiting patiently this whole time. Always, Rai had been waiting for him – in dark caves where only the two of them ventured, or on the bustling streets of Ransen in the middle of Antou – Konoe needed only to follow the dignified white tail, and even if he strayed, being the directionally-challenged cat he was, Rai would always turn back, call out for him or pull him out of whatever messes Konoe had splendidly gotten himself into. When Rai was there, he felt safe.
A soothing melody sounded. Konoe sang without a voice, gentle lights embracing both of them, like the Moon of Shadow was settling on their laps. Hesistantly, Konoe opened his mouth, afraid that his shaky voice could break the miracle, but no such thing happened. There were no lyrics, so he hummed along with the flow of the song. Would Rai be content with just this, the vulnerable him? Konoe could feel with his own the tip of Rai’s tail gently shaking. He was listening.
Still rather nervous, Konoe tried to get a sideways glimpse at Rai. To his surprise, he was met with a lone icy blue, not gazing at the moon like it always did in times like these.
His heart jumped. They were looking at him. At Konoe.
He turned away at once in embarrassment. The image of a certain rooftop on a certain day flashed through Konoe’s mind. Back then, he tried to answer a similar request of Rai, and, for the first time ever, sang a song not for battle. Just because he was a Sanga didn’t mean he was a good singer, Konoe remembered thinking. Embarrassed, he also tried to get a glimpse at Rai, much like what he was doing now. Back then, even though he wasn’t looking at him, Rai was also listening.
Konoe smiled nostalgically. Letting himself drift along the flow of memory, he slowly closed his eyes. What await him behind his closed eyelids was no longer that traumatizing red, but a calming blue sky. The wind caressing their skin felt nice, in both the present and the past.
Before he knew it, Konoe’s voice had calmed. Sound by sound, he sang more naturally. Konoe could still feel Rai’s gaze on the side of his face, so with renewed confidence, he gradually opened his eyes... and met with Rai’s.
It was hypnotizing Konoe couldn’t look away. Barely registering his own singing, he was lost in that lone icy blue. Rai’s eye had changed – freed of worry, instead filled with a mix of relief and affection.
Suddenly, everything clicked. So that’s what his intention is. Konoe had never thought of these songs as anything but a way to soothe Rai whenever he felt down, either from losing himself or having nightmares. But now he felt it, more definite than ever. When singing, he was the one to soothe, but also the one soothed. He was the one protected, but also the one to protect.
Such was the relationship between a touga and a sanga.
Could Rai have picked up on this before Konoe did? Could Rai have always been watching how content he was as he sang with that lone, unwavering eye? Konoe wondered what that expression of his was like, and despite knowing he could see it vividly reflected in Rai’s pupil, it was too embarrassing a task to attempt.
Feeling extremely happy, Konoe sang with overwhelming gratitude. ‘Thank you’, he got the impression that his emotion had managed to reach Rai through this song. But because it was embarrassing, his voice was as soft as ever. His awkwardly soft voice, carried by the wind, melted into the night winter sky.
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Rai felt a weight on his shoulder. Konoe rested his head there, still humming softly. The idiot cat seemed fine, he breathed out a sigh of relief. They stayed like that, the idiot cat reaching for his tail and smoothing his hand over it till the song ended.
“Thank you.” – his voice, barely recognizable, grazed Rai’s ears. Rai swished his tail dismissively – well, not as much as he intended to, since it was still twined with the crooked one.
“You already said that, idiot cat.”
He technically didn’t, but still. The idiot cat raised an eyebrow.
“Should I take it back then.”
“Do what you like.”
Rai said, reaching for the handkerchief in their bag. It bothered him to see the idiot cat’s claws dirtied, having sunk into the earth. Damping the item with some water, he took hold of the cat’s wrists, one by one, and started cleaning him up with care.
Something prickled at the back of his mind. The more Rai tried to divert his attention from how small Konoe’s hand was against his own, the more that fact seemed to stare him in the face.
... This is pointless.
Being this indecisive was unlike him after all. Rai did what he wanted, no matter what. And for all Rai knew, he wasn't going to die just from sparing himself a little more honesty. Besides, the idiot cat seemed the type to like such interactions so there shouldn't be any drawbacks.
He took the idiot cat’s hand in his own, intertwining their fingers. Rai could picture that idiotically shocked face slowly warping into an idiotic smile.
“Sleep.”
Rai waited for morning to come, this time with the childishly-coloured cat resting against him, ear placed where he could hear the rhythmic thumping of Rai’s heart.