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Today was the big day. Castiel's big day.
Dean gripped the wheel of his beloved Impala tighter, his knuckles turning white.
Today was the big day.
He changed the radio station from classic rock and found something else, something... sad. A song about lost love and goodbyes and a long awaited reunion only for it to end tragically.
He supposed it fit, somehow. After all, it was Cas's big day, just not with him.
And he wasn't sure how it would end but part of him hoped it wouldn't end like the song. He hoped that instead of being separated, they'd be together and happy, like before.
The other part was him was screaming at him that he was a selfish son of a bitch for wishing to get back to Cas after pushing him away. It was mostly his fault he wasn't the one Cas was marrying today after all.
God, he had been so stupid. He had pushed it away because his dad had gotten into his head, told him Castiel was too good for him. Told him it was only a matter of time before Cas saw it and that he better fear that day because it would leave him broken. He hadn't meant to, but he had obsessed over those words, had memorized them and then had broken it off with Cas.
More than anything, he regretted doing it. He regretted pushing Cas away and walking out of their apartment.
It was a miracle that they had remained friends. Somehow.
Cas had been more closed off for a while, and it had been tense between them. Until Sam had decided he'd had enough and with help from his girlfriend, Jessica - a good girl in Dean's opinion, and good for Sam - they ended up talking and apologizing.
Dean had apologized for breaking it off like he had but he hadn't revealed he actually still had feelings for Cas. That was a secret he'd only told Sammy and his little brother better be taking it with him to grave.
Cas had apologized for avoiding Dean like he had, revealing he knew his dad had played a part in their breakup. He hadn't said anything about still having feelings for Dean and wanting to get together again so Dean decided it was even more important to keep quiet about his own feelings.
So they had reconciled and things were almost back to how they were before they'd become a couple.
And now here he was, almost three years after their breakup, driving to Cas's wedding.
Dean had tried dating here and there but it was nothing permanent. His mind was still very much occupied by Cas and his heart would always belong to him.
Cas had eventually found someone, a girl named Meg. She was beautiful and smart and with the air of someone who knew what they were talking about. With dark eyes and a will of steel, she had, truthfully, scared Dean the first time he'd met her. She was fierce and bold and determinated and she didn't hesitate to speak up her mind. Dean had been startled the first time he'd thought how good she was for Cas.
She had glared at him for at least two months after their first meeting, and one time she had even admitted to thinking he was stupid for how he had ended things with Cas. After that, they started being more acceptant toward the other, to the point where they could be considered kinda friends.
His dad had died in a car accident a few weeks after the forced breakup. The day after the breakup, a fight had ensued between them and Sam had tried to make them stop before he also sided with Dean, letting their dad know exactly what he thought about his judgeful ass.
Apparently their dad couldn't take having both sons against him so he started drinking. One day he stopped by Dean's place, more than just tipsy, and probably noticed how miserable his son was because he'd actually apologized for what he'd done. He'd left and an hour later he was in the hospital, with only the machines keeping him alive. He'd made it two days. By the morning of the third one, he was dead.
And now...
Dean wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He was happy for Cas - dude was his best friend, aside from Sammy of course - but it hurt to think he was someone else's.
Part of him wanted to make things right between him and Cas, to go back to how things were before. To be happy.
The other part of him was screaming at him, accusing him of being coward to push Cas away and of being so selfish that years later he couldn't bear the thought of Cas happy with another person. It was... hard to decide.
The song came to an end and he turned off the radio. He didn't need to hear any more depressing songs. He felt as if he was living in one right now. Lost love and goodbyes and not enough time for them. Yeah, it fit.
How he wished the circumstances were different. How he wished he and Cas met another time. How he wished he wasn't such a coward that he pushed the love of his life away out of fear.
Fear of... what, exactly? He couldn't be sure. He could have lived with his dad not talking to him. If his friends had a problem with his relationship, well then he would've found other friends. Better friends.
He would've had his brother on his side, he would've had Cas and nothing would have matter.
Except that it did.
It mattered and he had been a coward and had pushed Cas away.
--
Today was the big day.
And Cas... Cas was going to spend the rest of his life with someone else.
As much as he hated to admit, it hurt. Seeing Cas look at Meg with adoration plastered on his face, seeing her own love for him in her eyes... damn it hurt. They were happy. That much was clear.
And he... he was happy for them. Really was. But it didn't stop him from wishing to have chosen to stay by Cas years ago. It didn't stop him from wishing it was him that Cas was looking at so lovingly. It didn't stop him from wishing it was him Cas was saying 'I do'.
Sam gripped his shoulder, a worried expression on his face.
"You okay?"
Dean knew that expression. He'd received it enough times to learn it. In the last months he'd received it more than he wanted to admit.
"I'll live. It's a big day for Cas. Can't let him down, you know?"
The look on Sam face said everything. His brother didn't believe him one bit. He just let it go. At least for now.
So he put on his brightest smile, congratulated Cas and Meg and wished them to be happy. And if he lingered a little more than needed when he shook Cas's hand... well, nobody had to know that.
"Thank you, Dean," Cas said, a smile so big on his face. He was happy and in love and married to someone else. Dean needed to accept that.
Someone else came to talk to Cas and Dean recognized Anna, Cas's sister. She practically dragged him away but Meg preferred to stand back and watch.
Dean had already gotten a lecture from Anna when he'd arrived at the wedding. She had managed to corner him and the look of scary determination on her face had him pinned in place. Somehow he'd ended up blurting he still loved Cas. The look Anna gave him would've been comical if she wasn't so scary.
"Don't try anything. You've already hurt my brother once, I don't want you to do it again. He loved you and you threw it all away. I know why and I understand but you had more than just a choice. Don't even try to argue with me, you know I'm right. You broke up with him, you broke his heart once and I'm not letting you do it a second time. He's happy now. Let him have it. I'm sorry for you, I know it must hurt, but please don't ruin his happiness. If you do, it you hurt him again, I swear you will regret it," she had told him. He hadn't had the chance to say anything back, she just left without another word and didn't even look back. He'd caught her eyes a few times during the wedding, probably making sure he wouldn't make a scene.
He wouldn't have and while he hated how suspicious she was, he appreciated that she was looking out for her brother.
When Meg was sure Cas was out of earshot she turned to Dean. He was watching Cas, a dreamy look on his face.
"Dean," she started and he turned back to her, frowning. Her smile was gone, replaced with a look of pity. "Full offence but you were an idiot. Pushing Cas away and for what? I won't judge, I did some pretty shitty things myself but you..." She shook her head. "You take the cake. Castiel is special." And with that she left, walking over to Cas. She kissed his cheek and both smiled at each other.
He wasn't even sure if Cas felt the same anymore. Maybe somewhere deep down he did but now... now he'd found someone else. He and Meg looked good together. They complemented each other. That much Dean was sure of. He couldn't deny that they were good for each other.
But he also couldn't deny how his heart constricted painfully.
Dean swallowed and looked around. Sam caught his eye and smiled sadly at him. His girlfriend, Jess, noticed him as well and the corners of her mouth dropped. She tried to smile at him but it looked forced.
Well, he couldn't talk. Most of his smiles had been fake or forced, except for those aimed at Cas.
--
Later that night, Dean was sitting alone at the table he'd been seated at, a glass of wine in hand though he'd barely touched it. Cas came over to him and sat down. His smile fell when his eyes met Dean's.
"Dean, are you alright?"
"Yeah. Don't worry 'bout me, man. I'm fine."
"You're not yourself," Cas commented, looking Dean up and down.
Dean shrugged. "I'll be fine."
"I'm... I'm sorry. Anna told me. What you said and... and what she told you. I realize now how much it must hurt you and... and for that I apologize."
"Cas, dude." Dean sat up a little straighter, placing his glass on the table. "Don't be sorry for living your life. I know I screwed up, royally even, but-"
"I loved you," Cas interrupted. "A lot. You were everything for me and you just threw it all away. You broke my heart, Dean, saying it was all for me. Saying I deserved better. It was a week later when I found out you did it because of your father and I only found out from Sam. I spent days thinking I wasn't good enough for you only to find out it wasn't... I don't hold it against you, I know it couldn't have been easy but I would have appreciated the sincerity."
"I meant it. That you deserved better. I just thought... I thought you'd be happier without me. My dad, he uh, he said I wasn't good enough for you. That a few years down the line you would figure it out and leave me. That I better do it sooner and spare myself the heartache. And I was stupid enough to believe him. I never wanted to hurt you."
"Maybe not but you didn't. I was happy with you, Dean. Content. I don't know what else he drilled into his mind but I loved you. I wouldn't have left you."
"I didn't..." Dean stopped, avoiding to make eye contact. "I'm sorry."
Cas shook his head. "I waited for you," he admitted quietly, and Dean was surprised he even heard him over the music.
"I didn't... I didn't know. I thought-"
"That I gave up? That I got over you? It took me a year to accept you might not want me back. Three more months to realize I couldn't live in the past... that I needed to move on with my life. Then Meg came along and I fell in love with her. She was... she is amazing, Dean. She was patient with me, didn't rush me and understood what I was going through."
Part of him really wished Cas would stop talking about how wonderful Meg was. That much was obvious to him. The other part... "You never told me that. I thought you just wanted a break from dating. To, I don't know, find yourself or something. I didn't... I didn't think... I didn't know."
"I just told you, I didn't think you'd want me back. Would it have changed anything though? If you knew?"
"Dude, are you kidding? It would have changed everything," Dean answered, though he knew it was too late now. He had already made his choice and so had Cas.
"It's too late now," Cas echoed his exact thoughts, looking at Meg talking to some of her friends.
"I'm sorry. For breaking your heart," Dean said, his own heart speeding up. "If I had a chance I would... I wouldn't do it."
"I know." Cas's smile was gentle, full of understanding. "You'll always have a special place in my heart, Dean, and you're still my best friends. But now I have someone else."
"I know," Dean murmured. He sighed, watching the other guests dancing or chatting or just generally having fun.
The love story between him and Cas had ended. And it had happened a long time ago.