Chapter Text
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
toms on the bloody warpath
[Evan Rosier] to walpurgis lads:
when is he not
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
hes doing his very very quiet skulky thing
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
i am unnerved
[soon to be le strangled] to walpurgis lads:
who changed my name to some 2009 meme bullshit
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
its a play on ur name roddy
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
duh
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
anyway
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
whats he pissed about?
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
fuck if i know
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
hes listening to radiohead
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
SHIT. which song
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
you KNOW which song
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
we need to do damage control
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
find out what the fuck this is about
[soon to be le strangled] to walpurgis lads:
cant u 2 just make a private chat
[bella donna] removed [soon to be le strangled] from walpurgis lads
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
sorry had to take the bins out
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
anyhoo
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
when did it start? where are you?
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
he went straight to his office after lunch, which he was supposed to meet me for but DISAPPEARED
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
he probably did it just to be dramatique
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
how do you know hes skulking
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
i can see him through the glass. he keeps opening the blinds a bit and watching people go past. its pitch black in there hes scaring the interns and the music is so loud
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
christ brax it sounds like youre texting from a war zone. where was he BEFORE lunch
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
THIS IS A WAR ZONE
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
he was meeting with that news team
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
the one for that environmentalist rag
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
gryffin’s door or smthn
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
oh
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
ohohohhhohoho
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
its that granger girl again
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
whats a granger
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
SHE works for the environmentalist magazine
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
whom
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
the one from the xmas party. the friend of the bespectacled bisexual?
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
was he the one giving draco gay panic
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
yes! his friend!! big hair
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
obnoxious
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
she spent the whole night arguing with tom and he was so delighted but she HATES him
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
where was i
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
shagging a maid? unsure
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
i don’t recall. whatever i was doing i missed out.
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
you did it was hilarious. is he out yet
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
draco?
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
no you fool
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
tom
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
no but the music is not as loud
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
i say we meet at hogs head to discuss a plan
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
done. 8?
[Abraxas Malfoy] to walpurgis lads:
see you there. all the rest of you lurkers better come as well
[Evan Rosier] to walpurgis lads:
yep
[Lorcan Mulciber] to walpurgis lads:
be there at 8
[Janus Avery] to walpurgis lads:
ill bring clean glasses
*.*
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: Today’s Meeting
Granger –
Attached is the dry-cleaning bill for the shirt you ruined when you threw your tea at it. I’m not sure if you noticed, but I happened to be wearing the shirt at the time. You are lucky it was cold. Pay the bill and I won’t sue you for assault.
Regards,
Thomas Marvolo Riddle
CEO of Walpurgis Corporate
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: re: Today’s Meeting
Riddle –
I did notice, because unlike you, I can identify when something is being inhabited, you forest-destroying monster.
You do not require a dry cleaner to get herbal tea out of a shirt. The shirt was black, the tea was camomile, and you have no grounds on which to stand nor sue. Your company, however, WILL be exposed for the havoc it is wreaking upon our natural world.
Sincerely,
Hermione Jean Granger
CEO of Not being a Twat
*.*
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: Language
Miss Granger,
A routine scan of emails sent from this company has flagged you for using sexist terminology. In future please refrain or further action will have to be taken.
Human Resources Department
Gryffin’s Door Magazine
*.*
[Bellatrix Black] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:54am
did you know that your spotify is public
[Tom Riddle] to [Bellatrix Black] at 9:02am
What of it?
[Bellatrix Black] to [Tom Riddle] at 9:03am
well
[Bellatrix Black] to [Tom Riddle] at 9:03am
i can see you listened to creep 143 times this week
[Tom Riddle] to [Bellatrix Black] at 9:10am
I repeat: what of it?
[Bellatrix Black] to [Tom Riddle] at 9:11am
radiohead is not happy tom music
[Tom Riddle] to [Bellatrix Black] at 9:33am
Pray tell. What is happy Tom music?
[Bellatrix Black] to [Tom Riddle] at 9:33am
silence probably
[Tom Riddle] to [Bellatrix Black] at 9:45am
I’m quite busy.
[Bellatrix Black] to [Tom Riddle] at 9:45am
understood. before i go i need a favour
[Tom Riddle] to [Bellatrix Black] at 9:50am
What is it.
[Bellatrix Black] to [Tom Riddle] at 9:50am
mother is forcing me to go to that horrid charity ball for the orangutans, or some other kind of ape, and i need you to come with me. its a good photo op at least
[Tom Riddle] to [Bellatrix Black] at 9:50am
Fine.
*.*
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
he said yes
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
in about .2 seconds
[bella donna] to walpurgis lads:
*.*
[the boy who pegged malfoy] to golden trio:
how do i change nicknames on this
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
you cant :/ other ppl can do it for u tho
[roonil wazlin] changed [Harry Potter]’s nickname to [speccy four-eyes]
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
better?
[speccy four-eyes] to golden trio:
no
[speccy four-eyes] to golden trio:
8(
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
lad!!!!
[hermy ninny] to golden trio:
I need help!
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
???????????
[speccy four-eyes] to golden trio:
u ok??
[hermy ninny] to golden trio:
McLaggen is going to the charity ball
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
whaaaat no he bloody isn’t
[speccy four-eyes] to golden trio:
who would invite him
[hermy ninny] to golden trio:
I’m not sure. The picture he sent me of his invitation was partially obscured by his genitalia.
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
what a fucking bellend
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
shall i kill him or do u want the honours
[hermy ninny] to golden trio:
I just need a date. He clearly doesn’t respect the word ‘no’, but a male presence might assuade him.
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
can i come!! i love the little horse divorces
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
and providing emotional support for my friends
[hermy ninny] to golden trio:
Did you just call hors d’ouevres horse divorces???
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
its hilarious
[hermy ninny] to golden trio:
I did laugh J
[speccy four-eyes] to golden trio:
big lol ron
[hermy ninny] to golden trio:
So you’re coming with? I need to RSVP with a +1
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
count me in
[speccy four-eyes] to golden trio:
guess_i’ll_just die.jpeg
[hermy ninny] to golden trio:
thenperish.jpeg
[roonil wazlib] to golden trio:
lads!!!!!!!!!
*.*
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: Rainforest Restoration Charity Dinner
Draco,
I see you are attending the RR Charity Dinner this weekend.
You graduated Hogwarts in 1997, yes?
Regards,
Thomas Marvolo Riddle
CEO of Walpurgis Corporate
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: re: Rainforest Restoration Charity Dinner
Mr Riddle,
I am, and I did. I believe my chemistry professor was an old school chum of yours – Severus Snape? His class was my favourite, and he always spoke very highly of you.
Yours,
Draco Malfoy
Malfoy Corporate
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: re: re: Rainforest Restoration Charity Dinner
Draco,
He is indeed a friend.
I noticed on the RSVPs for the event include the name of plus ones. Do you know a Ronald Weasley?
Regards,
Thomas Marvolo Riddle
CEO of Walpurgis Corporate
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: re: re: re: Rainforest Restoration Charity Dinner
Mr Riddle,
Yes, he was in the same year as me. Nothing special. Ginger. May I ask what the interest in him is?
Yours,
Draco Malfoy
Malfoy Corporate
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: re: re: re: re: Rainforest Restoration Charity Dinner
Malfoy,
You may not.
Thomas Marvolo Riddle
CEO of Walpurgis Corporate
*.*
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 7:31pm
Who is Ronald Weasley.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:40pm
oh, evening Tom
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:40pm
how are you
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 7:41pm
I asked you a question.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:41pm
i don’t know who he is
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:42pm
weasleys are pals of harry potter though
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:42pm
that ex of draco’s
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 7:44pm
He didn’t mention that when I asked him.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:44pm
you asked draco a question? hes an idiot
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:03pm
Yes, I now realise that. So this Weasley – what does he do.
[Tom Riddle] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:03pm
he works at wheezes
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:03pm
Excuse me?
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:04pm
the joke shop. does the word ‘ear’ ring a bell
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:05pm
Oh, yes. That’s why the name was familiar.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:05pm
nasty business
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:07pm
Indeed. Unfortunate that there were no fingerprints at the crime scene.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:07pm
very
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:08pm
what did the weasley kid do
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:08pm
I don’t like the sound of him, is all. He’s coming to the Charity Dinner as a plus one – we’ll be keeping an eye on him.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:09pm
right you are boss
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:10pm
whose plus one is he
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:10pm
That annoying bleeding-heart liberal. Harmony something.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 8:11pm
HE PRETENDED NOT TO REMEMBER HER NAME
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:11pm
he did it at lunch today as well and kept bringing her up
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:11pm
he is OBSESSED
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:12pm
very tedious but can you imagine if he actually got laid?
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 8:12pm
the interns would rejoice
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:13pm
its hermione i think. pretty thing.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 8:13pm
pray for me
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:13pm
what did you do??????
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:13pm
Hardly. Too much hair. Maybe if she wore something other than that ridiculous red coat.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:14pm
didnt you have a meeting with her the other day
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:14pm
Yes, she threw her tea at me. Uncivilised.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:14pm
not her tea!
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:15pm
She refused to pay the dry-cleaning bill.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:16pm
no
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:16pm
Yes.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 8:17pm
get her back at the charity dinner. switch the seats & sit next to her and dump soup on her lap or something.
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 8:17pm
I already am sitting next to her, I made sure. Also, I would never dump soup in someone’s lap. That would be uncouth.
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 10:54pm
I’ll just make her night miserable.
*.*
[Severus Snape] to [Tom Riddle] at 11:00pm
Tom. As much as I enjoy seeing you torment my least favourite students (sans one). You look like a serial killer and it is not good for public relations. I hope you realise how ironic this text message is.
[Severus Snape] to [Tom Riddle] at 11:10pm
I understand you are preoccupied at the moment. But I can see you hearing your phone go off.
[Severus Snape] to [Tom Riddle] at 11:11pm
You put it on silent. We have been friends for a decade.
[Severus Snape] to [Tom Riddle] at 11:15pm
The press is beginning to take notice. That Skeeter woman has taken at least five pictures of you and Granger. Take your arm off the back of her chair. Stop glaring at Cormac McLaggen.
[Severus Snape] to [Tom Riddle] at 11:41pm
Weasley has misunderstood the nature of this charity and has wandered off to see if any women will take pity on him. There is no need to sit that close to her.
[Severus Snape] to [Tom Riddle] at 11:50pm
You look deranged. Stop grinning like that.
[Severus Snape] to [Tom Riddle] at 11:51pm
Unsure as to why I am continuing to send you text messages when you are clearly busy. I am going home.
[Tom Riddle] to [Severus Snape] at 2:17am
You overreacted. We were having a debate.
[Severus Snape] to [Tom Riddle] at 2:21am
I would ask what you are doing still awake when you have a meeting at six a.m. tomorrow.
[Tom Riddle] to [Severus Snape] at 2:32am
Don’t be sordid. The charity closed, and we continued our discussion over coffee, that is all. She isn’t my type.
*.*
THE DAILY PROPHET 11TH JANUARY 2003
WALPURGIS CEO IN LOVE?
Rita Skeeter
Thomas Marvolo Riddle. The man who, at seventeen, was already destined for great things. He of the disarming Colgate smile, the perfect hair, the excellent behind.
And Hermione Jean Granger. The environmental lawyer-turned-journalist, plain but seemingly adept at capturing the attention of famous men. First there was Harry Potter, heir to the tragic and overwhelmingly wealthy Potter estate, then Victor Krum, Bulgarian football King, and now Mr Riddle.
What does this pair have in common, other than the coffee shops they seem to frequent in the wee hours?
(cont. on page 3)
*.*
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: personal email
Riddle.
I got flagged at work for calling you a twat so I have chosen to email you from here.
You are an insufferable, ignoramus, capitalist, egotistical TWAT.
Hermione.
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: private email
Hermione,
It is not my fault that Rita Skeeter thinks you are a gold-digger. Dinner tomorrow?
Tom.
- Your email address is amusing.
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: re: private email
Tom,
Absolutely not.
Hermione.
- Yours is boring.
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: re: re: private email
Hermione,
I just want to make amends. Possibly discuss your ridiculous ethos on recycling some more. I’ll even let you pay for half.
Tom.
sender: [email protected]
recipient: [email protected]
subject: re: re: re: private email
Tom,
Fine. We’re going to that vegan place I told you about. I’ll need your phone number if we’re to keep in touch.
Hermione.
*.*
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:18pm
theyre. getting. dinner.
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 12:23pm
who?
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:23pm
the girl reading this.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:24pm
tom and granger obviously
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:24pm
SUCCESS
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 12:24pm
YES. you should’ve seen them at the dinner. tom was doing this angry flirting thing and she was v. into it
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 12:25pm
she kept grabbing his arm to yell at him. tom nearly blushed i think
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:33pm
i know??
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:34pm
i was there? at the same table???
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 12:35pm
oh, yes. i forgot.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:37pm
bitch
[Bellatrix Black] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 12:42pm
whatever. are we going to spy on them.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:45pm
obviously
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Bellatrix Black] at 12:45pm
you get the moustaches i’ll take the getaway car
*.*
[Tom Riddle] created a WhatsApp group.
[Tom Riddle] added [Abraxas Malfoy] and [Bellatrix Black] to the group.
[Tom Riddle]:
Get out or I will end both of you.
[Bellatrix Black] changed the WhatsApp group name to ‘best friends forever’.
[Bellatrix Black] to best friends forever:
remember who got you to this moment. playing footsie with granger under the table
[Abraxas Malfoy] to best friends forever:
foot flirting!!!!
[Tom Riddle] to best friends forever:
Get out. Now.
*.*
[Hermione Granger] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:41pm
Did you get almond milk?
[Tom Riddle] to [Hermione Granger] at 7:42pm
Yes. I got the tofu as well, unfortunately.
[Hermione Granger] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:42pm
Stop dissing tofu. If you cook it properly it’s delicious and very good for you.
[Tom Riddle] to [Hermione Granger] at 7:43pm
Did you read that article I sent?
[Hermione Granger] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:44pm
About how soy causes deforestation? Yes. And may I remind you that most of that soy is grown to overfeed cattle? And that if it was just grown for humans, deforestation would reduce significantly?
[Hermione Granger] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:44pm
At least send me something challenging, Tom.
[Tom Riddle] to [Hermione Granger] at 7:45pm
I could skip this dinner and just buy steak for myself.
[Hermione Granger] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:45pm
On our anniversary? When you already bought me a kitten?
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 7:46pm
Did you tell Hermione that I got her a cat.
[Abraxas Malfoy] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:46pm
i didn’t realise it was a secret
[Tom Riddle] to [Abraxas Malfoy] at 7:47pm
Of course it was a secret you absolute buffoon.
[Tom Riddle] to [Hermione Granger] at 7:49pm
I would absolutely. I can have the cat delivered. I have someone for that.
[Hermione Granger] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:51pm
I know you just mean Abraxas. Stop trying to impress me, I’m already impressed. Come over.
[Hermione Granger] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:51pm
[image attachment]
[Hermione Granger] to [Tom Riddle] at 7:51pm
I got you a present as well.
[Tom Riddle] to [Hermione Granger] at 7:51pm
Underwear for yourself does not count as a present for me.
[Tom Riddle] to [Hermione Granger] at 7:52pm
I’m on my way.
*.*
THE DAILY PROPHET 15TH MAY 2005
WALPURGIS CEO AND GRYFFIN’S DOOR EDITOR TIE THE KNOT
Rita Skeeter
In a small, secluded ceremony (that yours truly was invited to) on Saturday, high-profile and highly-private couple Thomas Riddle and Hermione Granger became man and wife.
Predictably, Granger is keeping her last name. The bushy-haired bride looked understated but classy as she walked down the aisle, beaming toothily at her groom in a modest gown. Mr Riddle wore the finest suit Madame Malkin’s could provide and appeared indifferent to the proceedings.
(cont. page 8)
*.*
[bells] to best friends forever:
did you see that skeeter article??
[bells] to best friends forever:
‘indifferent’
[bells] to best friends forever:
how bad is her eyesight?
[bells] to best friends forever:
you were sweating like a bitch in heat thomas
[tomothy] to best friends forever:
I thought this group chat had died.
[brax] to best friends forever:
no denials i see
[tomothy] to best friends forever:
I am on my honeymoon. Leave me alone.
[tomothy] to best friends forever:
And change my nickname.