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“excuse me, you’re in my seat” i looked up at the person interrupting, quite rudely if i may say so, my reading. it was a tall, dark-haired girl wearing a yellow beanie and carrying a kanken bag in the same colour. she was pretty and she was wearing a stunning lip colour. i didn’t recognize her though, but i’m kinda oblivious so that wasn’t strange to me.
“i’m sorry?” i said, mad that she interrupted me. how dare she, i was in the middle of reading a sentence!
“i’ve been sitting here this whole semester, so you have to move. now.” i glanced at the boy next to me, not believing this girl demanding i change seats. he just shrugged and went back to reading himself, something i did not have the pleasure to do right now. i was pretty sure this seat was not occupied the lessons before, but maybe they were and i just didn’t notice it. anyways, this girls was still standing in front of me, looking more annoyed every second. what is her problem? it’s only a chair.
“yeah, no i’m not gonna do that. i’m already sitting here. maybe if you came earlier…” the girl frowned, clearly mad she wasn’t getting what she wanted. then, she stormed off to the other side of the classroom, throwing her bag on the ground. i shrugged and continued what i was doing before the girl interrupted me, reading Northanger Abbey.
--
this whole ordeal continued every single tuesday for a whole semester. every single Creative Writing class this girl would come up to me, demand to switch seats, and after i refused, she would always storm off to the other side of the room and take place there. why she kept trying, i wouldn’t know. i do know it was annoying.
that wasn’t the only thing this girl did. she bumped into me every single time she saw me in the hallways, and once she “accidentally” spilled her coffee on my new copy of Sense and Sensibility, a Limited Edition which cost me a fortune! i might have cried a little.
it was annoying, and quite tiring, to say the least. so when the first semester of my first year majoring in English finished, i was incredibly relieved. finally, i didn’t have to see this awful excuse of a human being every tuesday. i even celebrated it with some of my friends with a night out. that night, i got drunk off my ass and someone had to carry me home to my dorm room, which was already empty.
all of this was at the same time my roommate, a very sweet girl named Alice, announced that she was dropping out because she didn’t like this college, and her major, at all. she didn’t even come to my night out!
which meant a new roommate was gonna be assigned to me. i really liked Alice, she was nice and easy to talk to, not very nosy and she didn’t host parties or take hook-ups to her room. i was incredibly lucky to have her as a roommate, since the stories some of my friends told me about their roommates horrified me.
my friend Dot had a roommate who was always smoking weed, their shared dorm smelled like the Red Lights District. but Dot’s roommate was kinda nice when she wasn’t smoking weed and after a few months she even joined our group of friends. i liked Lillith, she was easy to talk to and likes to buy me drinks while we’re out.
i might have made out with her once or twice too, but i was a bit too drunk then.
so yeah, alice dropping out was kind of a bummer. who was i supposed to watch harry potter with now?
i wasn’t prepared for the shitstorm coming my way at all. what did i do to deserve that? i must have murdered someone in my past life or something. maybe i will murder someone this life too, to continue the cycle, you know? i sure know who i’d like to kill.
my new roommate, assigned by the dean herself, was Juno Florence Sanders, a ridiculous name, really. the person carrying that name was even more ridiculous. Juno, preferring to go by June, was, of course the angry girl demanding me to fuck off to another seat every tuesday. god was on my side this year, clearly.
i did not know that she was gonna be my roommate, of course, since the only thing the dean bothered to tell me was her name and her major, World History, which is a pretty useless major if you ask me. why does she even take creative writing?
you could imagine the shock, and horror, coursing through my body after i had spent 2 hours cleaning up my dorm, doing the laundry and went grocery shopping, just to open the door to my tiny little door room and see Her sitting on the bed sweet Alice used to sit on.
well at least she was shocked too, her eyes were the size of ping-pong balls. it was pretty funny to be honest. her eyes were big and brown, they complimented her dark hair nicely. she sure did have pretty eyes. such a shame the person behind those eyes was the devil herself.
i quickly closed the door and went to my own side of the room, already grabbing my laptop and i was just busy with grabbing my blanket when i heard her murmur something. i couldn’t decipher it though because i’m like half deaf.
“sorry? didn’t quite catch that.” she frowned again, something she seemed to do a lot. “my name is June.” was the thing she murmured, again. i nodded, already having received this piece of information on the application the dean gave to me. “i’m Andy”
she silently nodded and unzipped her suitcase, beginning to take things out, like her clothes. i saw her unpack a copy of Sense and Sensibility too. that kinda hurt.
this was gonna be a long year.
---
it was, indeed, a pretty fucking long year.
it seemed like Juno enjoyed annoying me to the point of ripping my hair out quite a lot. i should have seen this coming, i shouldn’t have taken Alice for granted. i would have done anything to have Alice as my roommate again. sweet, tiny red-haired alice, who loved arguing about harry potter with me and eating take out while sobbing over the death of fred weasley.
Juno was wild. she was an honest-to-god horror to live with. the girl never cleaned, washed her clothes only when she had nothing left to wear (sometimes i’d even catch her wearing my clothes, which infuriated me, but she seemed to love my reactions so after a while i acted like i didn’t care anymore). she didn’t do dishes, she had people over all the time, making noise and hosting parties till sunrise.
one of her favourite things to do was blasting heavy metal. at night. while i’d be studying for a test. an important test. sometimes she’d blast heavy metal while i’d be trying to sleep. not that i have anything against heavy metal, sometimes i actually quite enjoy it, but not at night. when i’m studying. or trying to sleep. my sleep has always been extremely important to me, since i get overworked fairly easily and my sleep is the only thing that calms me.
the worst thing was, every single person i knew, loved her. everyone talked about her like she was a saint, they were all “oh your roommate is June? i’m so jealous! she’s amazing!” and i’d be like “please fucking take her!” June was an amazing person to other people, i found out. i had never met a single person who didn’t like her. it made me extremely insecure. why did she hate me so much? why was her ultimate goal making my life miserable? didn’t she notice how much it hurt me?
sometimes i’d cry myself to sleep, so tired of her and her actions. i didn’t understand why i got her, out of every single person on this campus, as a roommate. she made my life a living hell. the only moments i came at ease was while attending classes or when i studied in the library. sometimes i’d show up at one of my friends’ door to sleep, almost in tears and clutching my pillow in both arms. she didn’t seem to notice. it seemed like she didn’t care about me at all.
so it was no surprise when i snapped. we all saw it coming. everyone who knew me expected it for a long time.
---
“i expect this essay to be turned in on march 23, if not, you will fail this semester and you will have to do it all over” march 23, i had 5 days to write a 10 000 words essay about Jane Austen and her works. i also had 2 other projects due and an important test that same week. my professors seemed to love fucking me up. why did i chose to study English Literature?
it felt like i was gonna combust. the second class was over i grabbed my bag and returned to my dorm as fast as i could, feeling an upcoming sobfest. my lip was already quivering and my hands were starting to sweat. oh no.
the moment i walked into my, thank god, empty dorm room, i changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, dived into my bed and immediately, and the tears started coming.
they didn’t stop for quite a time. it felt so good, just crying out all the stress that had been building up inside of me. i just had to let it all out. after i decided i had cried enough, i opened my laptop and began downloading my favourite sob-movie of all time, Hotarubi No Mori E. no matter how many times i had seen it, i would cry every single time Gin tells Hotaru to hug him. it’s just so sad.
obviously, i looked like a mess after the movie ended. i still looked like a mess when Juno came back from classes.
“jesus christ andy, you look like legitimate shit.” i sniffed, but didn’t bother to come up with a comeback. not today. i didn’t feel like arguing with Juno while i know it only makes me feel like shit afterwards. i already feel like shit, thank you very much. i don’t even know why i always argued with her while it always hurt me so much.
Juno seemed to sense the mood i was in and left me alone for a few minutes. not really something she would do, but i appreciated it. maybe she still has something human deep inside her. she didn’t.
i was just washing my face and changing into my pyjamas, when the music started. this did not help my sob-induced headache at all. i walked into our shared room again, where the music came from, of course, and tried to ignore it. i’d already taken a few painkillers, and maybe if i put in ear plugs the loud music would be muted.
but i couldn’t find my ear plugs, even though i was sure i left them at the very same place i leave them every morning. again, i was close to tears. this really wasn’t something i could handle right now. everything was coming at me at once, it felt like i was suffocating.
so i gathered all of my pride, threw it out of the window and said “could you please turn down the music?” i was even sure my lip quivered after saying it.
and i swear, i would have punched Juno’s shit-eating grin off of her face if i had the strength to do it. she only turned the music louder, screaming bursting into my ears.
and i just couldn’t handle it anymore. i promptly burst into tears and started sobbing uncontrollably. that’s when she turned her music down, i think. i couldn’t see anything, i couldn’t sense anything happening around me, i could only focus on the noises of despair coming out of me. i must have sounded heartbroken. i only vaguely noticed that i was on the ground and i faintly felt a pair of arms holding me. far away i heard someone muttering “holy shit andy” and after that i’m unable to recall anything that happened.
---
i woke up in my own bed, a pillow in my arms and suffering a massive migraine. my whole body felt weak and heavy, i’d rather die than get up. so i didn’t. i stayed in bed, falling asleep again. it was saturday after all. i could afford sleeping in a bit.
when i woke up again, i decided i had to get up and take some painkillers, maybe take a shower. i hadn’t seen Juno the whole morning and i felt oddly relieved by that. silence. thank god for silence.
after that well deserved shower, and after the painkillers started working i decided to start my essay about Jane Austen. i’ve always been a huge fan of her works and writing an essay about her was not bad at all. this didn’t mean i looked forward to it though. focusing was hard with a migraine, but the amount of essays and deadlines looming over me was huge, so i had to.
Juno didn’t show up to our dorm for quite a time, appearing after dinner, at about 7 pm. she, very quietly, unlocked our dorm room and stepped inside, carrying 2 take-out cups of coffee. she didn’t dare look me in the eye and placed on of the 2 cups in front of me, and quickly walked over to her own side of the room again.
for a few moments i stared at the coffee, and then i looked up and stared at her. to say i was confused is an understatement.
“thought you’d like some coffee after a long day like this.” is the only thing she said. i frowned, uncapping the cup and smelling it. what if she poisoned it? she must think i’m a freak after my meltdown yesterday.
“i didn’t poison it, you dumbass. fucking drink it before it cools down.” i looked up at her again and nodded, taking a small sip. well it didn’t taste like poison. the coffee did wonders to my mood though, i felt ten times better after finishing it. i didn’t ask how she knew how i liked my coffee, or how she know i love a shot of vanilla with my soy latte.
“thank you.” i mutter, stubbornly, because i still hate her guts, but i’m still kinda scared of her.
“don’t mention it”
----
after that weekend, Juno dimmed down. she didn’t host parties at our dorm anymore and she never played heavy metal music again. at least, not loud. the atmosphere in our dorm room was more awkward than ever before. before she found out my mental state is so weak i can’t even go to school without having a breakdown. before she witnessed one of my worst anxiety attacks of all time.
she must think i’m pathetic, too vulnerable to say or do anything to. it embarrassed me to no end. i hated it. i hated this more than how she treated me before the incident.
she still made snide comments, but they lost their bite. things like “i wouldn’t even date you if you were the last person on this earth” didn’t hurt me anymore, they only made me sad. i hated this situation we found ourselves in. if she hated me so much, why didn’t she ask the dean for another roommate? why did she continue living with me while hating it so much?
school continued making me depressed, more frequently i’d find myself watching movies in my bed while other people would go out and party. my friends stopped coming over to check on me, i only saw them in between classes or during the classes we shared. i felt myself falling and didn’t bother doing anything about it.
Juno noticed it too. she went easy on me, staying out most of the time and often sleeping over at her friends’ dorms. sometimes i’d catch myself thinking it’d be nicer if she was in the room with me, just to have someone close to me.
i could never ask her that, my pride wouldn’t let me. even if i’d ask her, she wouldn’t stay with me for a million years. i was always so sure she hated my guts. it would most certainly agonize her to stay with me for longer than necessary.
i never noticed how she always made extra coffee for me, every morning. i never noticed how she kept doing groceries, how she kept buying my favourite cookies, even though i had lost my appetite weeks ago. i never noticed how she would cook dinner for 2, always putting leftovers in the fridge for me. i never ate them. to be honest, i couldn’t remember the last time i ate.
until one day, she entered our dorm only to notice me laying in bed again, just looking up at the ceiling. she sighed. “andy, how long has it been since you showered?” i just shrugged. i couldn’t remember. i couldn’t really remember anything, i do remember watching way too much Fairy Tail.
“come on, we’re gonna take a shower.” she ripped the blankets off of me and grabbed both of my hands, hauling me up. i struggled a bit, hating the cold that attacked my body. carrying me was pretty easy i guess, since i lost quite a bit of weight in all those weeks. i didn’t even blink at the way she used “we”. i didn’t really register anything she was saying, only that i stink. which sounds fair, even i know i stink.
i was so dazed i only fully registered what she was doing when i felt the cold stream of water hitting my naked back. i snapped my eyes open and looked at her, shocked. she was in the shower with me, in her underwear. she had undressed me to my underwear too, keeping on my panties. i didn’t even notice. after having made sure i could stand on my legs without falling, she reached for the shampoo and began washing my hair. she made sure i washed my body too, by myself. it smelled so nice.
that shower did me good and i felt a little better after it. the whole time, Juno didn’t say anything, she only took care of me.
i was thankful, but didn’t say anything. scared that she’d leave me. i couldn’t handle that too.
---
“now, i’m taking you outside and we’re gonna eat something.” i glanced up at her from my bed and shook my head, not quite getting what she was doing. she was being too nice, trying too hard. my friends already gave up on me, why is she even trying?
“why are you doing this, Juno?” she didn’t expect that question, i guess, because she stayed silent for a few moments. then,
“i don’t know.”
we both didn’t say anything for a while, but when i looked up, she had tears in her eyes.
“i’m sorry, Andy.”
“i know.”
she sniffed, and then did something i would never even dare thinking about. she sat next to me and put her arms around me, like she was hugging me. i sat still, uncomfortable, but above all, very confused. what was she doing?
“i’m so sorry about how i behaved to you. about the things i said. you must think i hate you.” it felt like she was sobbing and i didn’t know what to do. i’ve always been bad at comforting people. i wouldn’t even know how to comfort a person like Juno.
“i thought for a long time that you hate me yes, but i’m not so sure anymore. just tell me why you’re being like this to me.” why you treat me like this.
after realising i wasn’t hugging her back, she let me go and looked me in the eyes. i don’t think we’ve ever had real eye contact like this. i mean, we’ve had staring contests during our little fights, but never like this.
“at first, it was to catch your attention, i think. i liked you and you always seemed so far away. but it got a little bit out of hand and i couldn’t just stop acting like that, because that would have been weird. then i was chosen to be your roommate and i just couldn’t handle that, with my feelings all over the place. it felt like that was the only way to cope.”
there was a heavy pause. i didn’t want to reply to her. i wanted to cry but my eyes were dry from all the crying i had been doing the past few weeks. i was just so tired.
“after a while i noticed how you weren’t you anymore. you didn’t reply to me with the same vigour you used to. you stayed in a lot. and then, that breakdown..” she let out a shivering sigh, like she was about to cry again. tears were welling up in my eyes too.
“i hated myself so much, andy. i hated how i let you feel. i had so much regret. i felt so guilty. i was supposed to be the person to pick you up when things were bad. i was supposed to be the person you’d go out with and get drunk with. i only caused you misery. i was supposed to be a better roommate to you”
by then, i was full on sobbing and made grabby hands at Juno, who luckily got what i meant. she initiated a hug again and this time i did hug back. she kept whispering words in my hair. most of it i couldn’t understand, but the thing she said the most was “i’m sorry”. i could understand that.
“i will never forgive myself for this. and i won’t ask you to forgive me. that would be selfish.” i kept on sobbing, again letting it all out. after i was done, i looked up. Juno was also crying. i reached her face and wiped away a few tears.
“let’s start over.” she frowned at me, not getting what i meant.
i untangled myself from her and held out my hand.
“my name is Andromeda Minerva Cain, but people call me Andy.”
her eyes lit up. “my name is Juno Florence Sanders, but i go by June. nice to meet you.”
we smiled at each other. a new beginning.