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There was no going back now. He had said it. As the seconds ticked away, his heart beat faster and faster, waiting for Castiel to answer.
Not being able to confess your feelings to one of your best friends was one thing, but propositioning them for sex? What the hell had he been thinking?
‘You know Cas, we’ve both been single for a while now. I don’t know about you, but I have urges. We’ve been friends forever and, you know, I feel safe with you. What I’m trying to say is… We could both benefit from this. Hooking up. With each other. What do you say?’
It was an awful idea and he knew it. He wasn’t just trying to get into Cas’ pants, no. He had been in love with the guy for five years now. In the heat of the moment, he had said it, because fuck if I can’t date Cas, maybe I can still fuck him and get it out of my system. What an idiot.
Now here he was, in his living room after Cas had asked to come over. They had eaten pizza on the couch while watching tv. Not that Dean knew what they were watching, he had been too distracted. During the commercials, the topic had come on dating. So yeah, damn him if he was thinking about dating Cas, but that wasn’t an option.
The words had stumbled awkwardly out of his mouth, not casually like he had intended.
A year ago, while hanging out with friends, Cas had admitted to having a crush on him in high school. Just a crush, nothing serious. It had crushed Dean (no pun intended), because at the time he still had feelings for Cas. He had had a chance in high school, but he hadn’t known. Now here he was, still in love with his best friend who had told him his feelings were “just a crush”. Damn him if he wasn’t going to take a chance finally. It might be too late to have a real relationship with the guy, but Cas had once been attracted to him, so who knows.
But that weren’t the thoughts going through Dean’s head that moment. He was so screwed. Not only had he made a fool of himself, he might even lose Cas forever.
His thoughts were interrupted by Castiel’s answer.
‘Dean, I don’t think that is a good idea,’ he said, not meeting Dean’s eyes. Suddenly the room felt too small. Unable to move, he just shifted in place uncomfortably.
‘I know Cas, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I was being stupid.’ The hands in his lap turned around the ring on his little finger, his mother’s wedding ring.
Cas frowned, looking at Dean’s hands, still not looking into his eyes. After a long pause, he finally spoke up. ‘Why would it be stupid?’
‘You know, you and me. It would never work.’ As soon as he said it, Dean regretted it. That’s not what this is about! You just aked him to have sex with you, not told him you love him! Still, the fact that they wouldn’t work was true. They were friends, no need to make it complicated.
Cas’ frown had only deepened by this statement though. ‘What wouldn’t work Dean? I don’t think I understand what you’re saying.’
‘Just forget it man, I’m being stupid. I’m sorry I brought it up. You said it yourself, it’s not a good idea.’ Dean readjusted himself, sitting a bit farther from Cas than he normally would. Cas wasn’t having any of it though, his hand reaching out in the space between them.
‘No, Dean. Tell me what you mean. I am your friend, you can tell me anything.’
Dean let out a humourless laugh. ‘Yeah, we’re friends. That’s the problem.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Don’t you see? I don’t want to be friends with you.’ Seeing Castiel’s face fall, he hastily added: ‘I want to be more than friends Cas. I-‘ He halted his words, not ready to say them yet.
Cas’ face went from sad to curious. ‘You want to be more than friends? Since when?’
Dean shrugged. Better come clean now, right? ‘A couple of years, around the time you were supposed to have a crush on me, until now basically.’
Cas’ eyes went wide. ‘Dean,’ he started, but when he noticed Dean wasn’t looking at him, he scooted closer and took his chin in hand. He spoke softly, as if not to spook him. ‘Dean, look at me.’
Slowly, their eyes met. Dean didn’t see disgust or pity like he had thought, only curiosity and hope.
‘Do you really mean that?’ Cas asked, as if not believing what Dean had just confessed to him.
‘Of course I mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it Cas.’
‘You just asked me to have a friends-with-benefits arrangement, you can’t blame me for being uncertain,’ Cas said with a small smile.
Dean huffed a laugh, but lowered his gaze again. ‘I guess you’re right, but I do mean it. I understand if you don’t want to see me for a while, all I ask if we can still be friends. I don’t know what I would do without you,’ Dean said, tears starting to form in his eyes.
‘I want no such thing. Dean, you have been more than a friend to me for a long time. When I said I had a crush on you in high school, that was true, but I couldn’t tell you I was in love with you in front of all our friends. In high school, it was just a crush. Now, I don’t really know, but it’s not a feeling that’s going away any time soon. I wasn’t sure about how you felt, so I never pursued it. I’m sorry I made you doubt my feelings for you.’ Cas sat there looking at him with hope in his eyes, saying all the right things.
‘Do you really mean it?’ Dean asked, placing his hand gently on Cas’ thigh to test the waters.
‘Do you?’ Cas countered, raising a challenging eyebrow.
Dean laughed and leaned a little closer into Castiel’s space. ‘You really confuse me sometimes Cas.’
‘How is that?’
‘We know each other so well and yet we have never talked about this. How? I thought I had you all figured out, but you still know how to surprise me every time.’ Dean smiled at the man before him, running his hand over his leg in a soothing gesture.
Cas laughed lovingly at him, before gently cradling his face in his hands. ‘I guess we were too blinded by our own doubt and love to see it.’
Dean’s eyes fell on Castiel’s lips. They were so close. Their breaths mingling, tying them together with an unseen force. Neither could back away, only move closer. Dean’s chapped lips met Cas’, softly at first and turning more passionately every second. Their kisses turned more urgent, lips pressing harder, teeth biting.
Unlike what Dean had planned before Castiel came over, he didn’t want to move too fast. Now that he had Cas, they were going to take things slow. They now had the time to do so.
Dean slowed down until they were just slowly making out. Hands still wandered a bit, but no clothes were removed. Instead, Castiel pulled him closer, seeking Dean’s warmth. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s torso and settled on the couch close beside him. Whatever space there had been between them was gone now, and with a little luck it would never return again.