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This was the worst thing to ever happen in Butters’ very short life. He sat in assembly with the rest of the students, completely stunned as everyone was shown art after art of him with Stan. He could feel the boys staring at him the whole time, as if this was his fault. Butters had nothing to do with it; in what universe would he want art of Stan kissing him?!
The slideshow was never ending. Hugging, kissing, partial nudity - just what was going on in his life? He didn't dare look over at Stan. All Butters could do was watch the slideshow, his stomach churning. He could never talk to his friends again, not after this. Then again, his parents would probably move him to another school after this, so that wasn't a worry.
Stan could feel Eric and Kyle staring at him from either said, and he was surprised Eric didn't make a stupid or homophobic comment. He was glad, because he could not deal with that right now. He had no idea how to process this. Did this mean Butters liked him, or was this just strange art to get them together? Stan didn't like him, so it had nothing to do with him.
“Dude,” Kyle said under his breath, watching for PC Principal. “What the fuck?”
“I don't know!” Stan whispered.
“Are you gay now? Are you and Butters-"
Stan put a hand on Kyle's mouth. “Shut the fuck up.”
He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to even think about them being a couple with another boy. It was hard to think about anything else when that was all he could see. Stan wanted to die.
After assembly, Stan and Butters bumped into each other. They paused, looking at each other in silence. Butters looked terrified, his eyes wide and he swallowed hard. Stan opened his mouth to say something but stormed away. Butters shrunk and went to class.
Stan didn't come back for a while. He stood at the bathroom sink, looking at himself. This wasn't happening. He wasn't gay, right? Right. He liked girls, right? Right. He'd never thought about boys before, right? He remembered Gary, who was cool, and sweet, and…
Stan splashed his face with cold water . Get a hold of yourself , his brain hissed. Not boys. Not Butters. Couldn't the girls have at least picked one of the cute guys to force him with, like Craig or Clyde? No, of course it had to be Butters . He couldn't hide in the bathroom forever, otherwise people would think Stan had something to hide. He had nothing to hide. He went back to class, trying to hold his head up high. He felt the stares from everyone as he walked in, and he knew it wasn't because he was late.
Butters buried his face in books, ignoring Stan. It felt like the whole class was looking at them, waiting for them to kiss or something. Butters wasn't going to kiss Stan, not even if he wanted to. This was the worst day of his life.
Class crawled by, and Butters couldn't wait for the day to be over. He had no intention of hanging out with anyone during recess - no one was going to let him hang out with them now - and instead grabbed homework to do on the playground.
Stan wasn't going to let this affect his friendships. He went over to Kyle, who was talking to their friends and Craig's gang.
“Guys, come on, we'd know, right?” Kyle said as Stan approached. None of them had seen him yet.
“I dunno, it wouldn't be surprising,” Eric said. “He's always been a huge gay--"
All eyes were on Stan as they noticed him approaching. They were silent as they waited for him to say something, like he was going to admit he was gay for Butters. Stan frowned.
“Don't look at me like that,” he said. “I don't know what's going on, either.”
“Don't you have your boyfriend to go hang out with?” Craig asked, his voice deadpan as ever.
“He's not my boyfriend!”
“Then why were the Asian girls drawing you guys like that?” Clyde asked.
Stan didn't have an answer for that one. They were all still looking at him, waiting for him to confess to his secret relationship. But he didn't, because there was nothing to confess to. Angry, Stan turned away from them all. He would have to confront Butters about this.
Butters sat alone, trying to do his math homework. Why was it so hard? Maybe because his brain was elsewhere. He tapped his pen into the paper. What was Butters going to do? He glanced up and saw Stan coming for him, and Butters shrank. Stan looked angry as he stormed over.
“Dude! Butters! What the hell?!” Stan asked.
“I-- I dunno!” Butters put his books down and stood. “I'm as confused as you are!”
“The girls didn't just get this out of nowhere.”
His jaw dropped. Was Stan implying that Butters had asked the girls to do this? He thought Stan was better than to jump to conclusions like that. Butters liked girls - he was certain of that.
“I didn't have anything to do with this! I swear! If my mom and dad think I'm gay, they'll ground me,” Butters said. “Why the heck would I want this?”
“You have a crush on me.”
That wasn't a question, it was a statement, and a rather insulting one at that. Butters stood up straighter, raising his eyebrows.
“I do not! You're not so great, you know!” Butters said.
Stan looked offended for a moment. “I'm not saying that!”
“But you're trying to say I have a crush on you, when you've been nothing but a jerk. Not just to me, but to everyone. You're a real egomaniac.”
Given any other day, Stan probably could have accepted that and moved on. He wasn't always the nicest to Butters - no one was - but he wasn't going to concede to that right now. Instead, he shoved Butters. He shoved Stan back.
Stan was the one who threw the first punch, but Butters knew how to take hits. He punched back, landing a strike to Stan's stomach. He gasped, but before he could retaliate, Mr Mackey had already grabbed him by the collar.
He was pulled to the principal's office, though he kicked and yelled that it was not his fault the entire way there. He was forced to sit next to Butters, who was just as angry as he was. Stan folded his arms. PC Principal did not take this seriously. He treated it like a lover's quarrel, and instead decided to educate them on consent. The boys were horrified.
“I don't wanna touch Stan's wiener!” Butters snapped.
“I don't want you to touch me!” Stan said.
PC Principal was exasperated, but he eventually sent the two boys home with some money. Butters looked down at the money he had been given, frowning; this felt a little too close to prostitution for his liking. Plus, it wouldn't have been worth the whooping he was going to get when he got home.
He hid in his room, praying that his parents somehow didn't know. Of course they knew. When they called him downstairs, Butters just wanted to die. He slowly walked downstairs, where his parents were waiting for him. Butters swallowed.
“Butters, your school called today,” Stephen said.
He was calm, far too calm for Butters’ liking. He rubbed his knuckles together anxiously. He wanted to cry, but he knew better.
“But I--"
“It's okay, baby, we wanna support you,” Linda said with a smile. “We're so sorry that we made you feel like you couldn't come out to us.”
“Here, son, we went and bought a little something.”
Stephen pulled out a medium sized item from behind his back. Butters took it and realised it was a frame, so he flipped it over. He almost dropped the frame when he saw it was himself and Stan - they were both laughing, with Butters throwing his arms around Stan's shoulders. It was clearly more than two friends being friendly.
“We hope you like it,” Stephen said.
He hated it. But instead, he smiled brightly, swallowing the feeling in his stomach. He put the frame down and excused himself, before going back up to his room.
A couple of days passed, and things weren't getting better. Butters and Stan saw countless art of themselves, and in any other situation, Butters might have called it cute. This wasn't one of those situations. This was horrifying.
Apparently, every house in town had art of them, which was disturbing. Everyone looked at them as just ‘the gay kids’, when really, neither of them were gay. They didn't talk to each other - it was far too uncomfortable to even look at each other.
This gave Stan time to think. There had been a couple of times when he liked boys, but mistaken it for friendship. Or, in some cases, rivalry. With Butters, he didn't know how he felt. He was cute, there was no denying that. He was sweet, and kind, and-
Stan realised how he felt, and this was the worst possible outcome.
Butters didn't like him. He had made it very clear, and right now, he didn't even like Stan as a friend. How could Stan bring up the conversation of I think I like you ? He wasn't, but he did have an idea.
Stan went to Butters’ house, whose parents let him in with dreamy aws . Stan groaned, rolling his eyes, but he went up to Butters’ room. He didn't knock, so when he just waltzed in, Butters jumped.
“Stan!” he gasped. “What're you doing here?”
Stan closed the door. “I think I have an idea to make them stop.”
Butters smiled, feeling the weight fall off his shoulders. “Good! Well, what is it?”
“We have to date.”
The weight dropped back into his shoulders like debris from a crashing airplane. Butters’ eyes widened in horror, before he held up his hands.
“Ohhh no. Nuh uh. I ain't going along with that plan, not after you've been telling people I'm the one with a crush,” Butters said.
Butters wasn't supposed to know about that. Stan rubbed the back of his neck, frowning.
“Dude, come on. I'm sorry. Think about it though, after people get together, no one gives a shit. Then we can break up and pretend it never happened,” Stan said.
Butters folded his arms over his chest. “You've been a real jerk about all this. I don't wanna date you, real or not.”
Stan wanted to argue, but what was the point? Butters didn't want to, and Stan couldn't blame him. Stan was Stan - he wouldn't date himself, either. He sighed and left Butters’ room; he would just have to wait for this to blow over.
Things did not blow over. While Butters was always poked fun of for being effeminate - which obviously made him gay in the minds of 10 year olds - it wasn't something Stan was used to. The prodding wasn't especially deep or hurtful, but it still stung. It was bad enough when they poked at him for Wendy - this was worse, especially now that they were calling her a beard.
Butters had plenty of time to think about Stan's idea. It was a stupid idea, but Stan was right. People stopped caring about Token and Nichole once they got together. People stopped caring about Stan and Wendy when they got together. People would stop caring about Stan and Butters if they were ‘together’. His parents were supportive of his fake relationship, so who cared?
Butters did, but they wouldn't have been dating forever.
Stan was talking to Kyle and Kenny about something - tomorrow's science quiz, which Butters didn't care about right now. Stan was distracted, that was all that mattered. Deep breath. Okay, Butters could do this. He ran over to Stan and threw his arms around him from behind.
Stan yelled, started, but stopped wriggling when he realised it was just Butters. Wait, why was Butters behind him?
“Stan!” Butters said. “Are you still coming over after school?”
“What?” Stan paused for a moment, confused until it clicked. “Oh. Yeah, dude, duh.”
Butters smiled and kissed his cheek, before running away. Kenny and Kyle stared at Stan with raised eyebrows, but Stan shrugged. Wait, Butters was going along with the plan? Stan would have to thank him later when he went to his house after school.
“I don't get it. You could be gay for anyone, but you pick Butters? Why?” Kyle asked.
“Butters is nice. Anyone who can deal with Cartman the way he does is pretty ballsy,” Stan laughed. “And he's there whenever you need him. He's a pretty sweet guy.”
And now they were dating. It was sneaky, underhanded, but it worked. Stan smiled to himself.