Chapter Text
[LIGHTS UP ON A BED. CURTAINS REMAIN CLOSED BEHIND A SOLITARY FIGURE THAT SITS AT THE END OF A BED, STAGE RIGHT, LOOKING DOWNWARDS. ]
John’s Song (Or: Six Years in Afghanistan)
JOHN:
My life was but mediocre,
And then I went to war;
I signed myself up for the army,
Just to get away from home.
Six years in Afghanistan
My life has never been the same,
It varied every day,
But I was unafraid.
The thrill was all around me,
The battle sung every day,
And watching all my colleagues die
Was not always from far away.
But then …
[LOOK DOWN, DEPRESSED, UNABLE TO FINISH THOUGHT, TOO PAINFUL, ETC.]
[SIGH]
But then I was shot
Leading to my discharge;
And I was sent home
Almost right away.
I was given a pension,
And here I sit,
Alone in my bedsit in
London [x 2]
But the thing is,
The thing is that its so
Hard to pay
All alone in a bedsit,
In London,
On an army pension that barely
Gets me food.
[SCENE CHANGES; MUSICAL INTERLUDE; CURTAINS OPEN AND LIGHTS GO UP ON STAGE RIGHT, LEAVING STAGE LEFT IN COMPETE DARKNESS. STAGE RIGHT IS LIT GREEN AND THERE’S TREES AND A BENCH, UPON WHICH MIKE STAMFORD SITS, JOHN IS WALKING PAST]
Stamford: John! John Watson!
[JOHN KEEPS WALKING]
[A SPOTLIGHT GOES UP ON A SOLITARY FIGURE ON STAGE LEFT; TOTAL BLACKOUT STAGE RIGHT; A TALL MAN IN COMPLETE SHADOW IS STANDING THERE]
SOLITARY FIGURE: Then my life changed for the better
[THE SPOTLIGHT ON THE OTHER FIGURE CUTS OUT AND THE AUDIENCE ATTENTION IS BACK ON STAGE RIGHT; STAGE LEFT IS BLACKOUT.]
John: [turns, shocked] Wh- yea?
Stamford: It’s me – Mike Stamford! Remember me from Bart’s? [John’s blank look] We used to go to Bart’s together.
John: [recognition]: Oh yeah, right. Mike.
Stamford: No, you can say it, I’ve got fat, haven’t I? Do you want a coffee?
[LIGHTING CHANGES; MUSICAL INTERLUDE; RANDOM CONVERSATION GOING ON; EVENTUALLY, JOHN’S ONE LINE RISES ABOVE THE OTHERS. DURING THE LIGHTING CHANGE, COFFEE ENDS UP IN THEIR HANDS; MAYBE WALK OFF STAGE FOR A BIT, THEN A DIFFERENT PARK PART?]
John: Who’d want me for a flatmate?
Stamford: You know, you’re the second person who’s told me that today.
[POWER CHORD]
JOHN:
Then I met Sherlock Holmes,
And my life changed for the better.
It was almost like I had been waiting for him,
Which was why I did not die, out in the red sands,
The red sands,
Of Afghanistan.
[SCENE CHANGES YET AGAIN; FINALLY, WE MEET SHERLOCK HOLMES; STAGE LET LIGHTS FADE BACK ON TO A MAN STANDING OVER A COUNTER, FIDDLING WITH CHEMICALS. IT IS THE SAME MAN FROM BEFORE. VARIATION OF HIS THEME PLAYS. JOHN AND STAMFORD ENTER STAGE RIGHT. CONVERSATION ENSUES]
Stamford: I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: Afghanistan or Iraq?
[John looks toward Stamford, who grins.]
Sherlock: I play the violin when I’m thinking, and sometimes I don’t talk for days on end. Potential flatmates should know the worst things about each other, don’t you agree?
John: [confused] Who said anything about flatmates?
Sherlock: I did.
John: [Toward Stamford] You told him?
Stamford: [Grinning like a loon] Not a word.
John: Then who said anything about flatmates?
Sherlock: I told Stamford that I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for, and here he is, right after lunch, with a man home from military service in Afghanistan. Not a hard leap.
[John is stunned into silence as a door opens and Molly walks in, STAGE RIGHT carrying coffee.]
Molly: Coffee.
Sherlock: Ah, thank you Molly.
[Molly leaves STAGE RIGHT as Sherlock opens his mouth to say something]
Sherlock: [with a shake of his head] So tomorrow night then? I’ve got my eye on a nice place in central London. Worked out a deal with the land lady.
John: Wait, we don’t know a thing about each other and you just expect me to move in with you?
Sherlock: Problem?
John: I don’t even know your name!
Sherlock: I know you’re an army doctor, invalided home from service for a shot to the shoulder. I know your brother wants to give you help but you refuse to take it, most likely due to his gambling, but maybe due to the fact he’s an alcoholic.
[John looks on, silenced.]
Sherlock: Tomorrow evening at seven then.
[Right before he exits stage RIGHT.] Sherlock: The name’s Sherlock Holmes and the address is two-two-one B Baker Street. [Exit]
[LIGHTS START FADING AROUND HIM AS JOHN SINGS. ALL LIGHTS WILL END UP OFF BY THE TIME JOHN’S FINISHED]
JOHN:
I thought I had a guardian angel,
And now I know why.
I just hadn’t met
Sherlock Holmes. [x2]
[Bit of the theme that will be driving John crazy later shows up.]
Sherlock Holmes.
[JOHN’S HEAD FALLS BACK DOWN; WHILE THE LIGHTS WERE GOING OFF, WE ENDED UP BACK IN THE BEDSIT WHERE THE MUSIC STARTED; JOHN IS IN THE SAME POSITION WE FIRST SAW HIM IN (IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN). WHEN THE NOTE THAT JOHN IS HOLDING VANISHES INTO AIR BY THE GOVERNING LAWS OF PHYSICS, THE SOLITARY SPOTLIGHT ON HIM CUTS OUT. DURING THIS TIME, 221B WILL BE SET UP BEHIND CURTAIN. THE CURTAINS WILL OPEN A BIT WHILE HE’S FINISHING UP THE NOTE, LETTING THE DOOR APPEAR CENTRE STAGE. JOHN MOVES ACROSS THE STAGE TO THE CENTRE AS LIGHTS COME UP ALL ACROSS THE STAGE AT THE SAME TIME. WE SEE JOHN, PACING IN FRONT OF THE CURTAIN, WHICH IS SLIGHTLY PARTED WHERE A DOOR SITS WITH ‘221’ WRITTEN ON IT. SHERLOCK ENTERS STAGE RIGHT A MOMENT LATER]
Sherlock: Ah, so glad you could make it.
John: Good to see you again, Mr. Holmes.
Sherlock: Please, Sherlock is fine. [Walking up to the door; knocks and the door swings open a moment later.]
Mrs. Hudson: [hugging Sherlock] Oh Sherlock! It’s so good to see you again!
Sherlock [awkward smile]: This is Dr. John Watson. [gestures to John] This is Ms. Hudson, the land lady. Watson, Hudson, Hudson, Watson, you guys know the drill. [gestures to Mrs. Hudson before brushing past her and into the door. John shakes her hand before following Sherlock into the door.]
[CURTAIN RISES AS MRS. HUDSON LOOKS ROUND BEFORE GOING BACK INTO THE ‘HOUSE’. WHEN SHE CLOSES THE DOOR, THE DOOR IS SOMEHOW TRANSPORTED OFF STAGE. I DON’T CARE IF IT HAS TO BE ROLLED, GET IT OFF. WE GET OUR FIRST GLIMPSE OF 221B. THE FLAT IS DECORATED MUCH LIKE IN THE SHOW, BUT THE BOYS COME IN FROM THE DOOR STAGE RIGHT. THE FIREPLACE IS ON AN ANGLE UPSTAGE ON STAGE LEFT; THE KITCHEN WE CAN JUST BARELY SEE; IT IS BEHIND THE DOORS THAT THE BOYS ENTER FROM, BUT THERE IS A TABLE AND CHAIRS WAITING IN THE DARK, STAGE LEFT. THE TWO CHAIRS ARE LAID OUT IN FRONT OF THE FIRE PLACE, AND THE COUCH IS ALONG THE WINGS, WHICH SERVE AS WINDOWS ALL STAGE LEFT; ITS BACK IS FACING THE WALL]
John: [deadpan] I hate it.
Sherlock: [taken aback.] So you won’t be moving in then?
John: Well, ok, fine, once we get all this rubbish out of here, it could do.
Sherlock: [condescending] This rubbish is mine. Obviously I can start cleaning up around here, but.. [Starts cleaning up; by cleaning up I mean just moving papers from one spot to another.]
[JOHN STANDS AND WATCHES AS SHERLOCK TIDIES. MRS. HUDSON RE-ENTERS]
Mrs. Hudson: What do you think then?
John: Eh. Could be better.
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock, I’m sure you can use the upstairs bedroom as a lab, seeing as you probably won’t be needing it.
John: [quickly] Yes we will. Why wouldn’t we be needing it? There are two of us.
Mrs. Hudson : [Knowingly] Of course you will dearie. [wink] It’s all right, as long as you two boys keep the noise down.
John: I’m not actually gay!
Mrs. Hudson: Of course not dearie.
Sherlock: [Looking up] You’re hella gay, obviously.
[SHERLOCK RESUMES PUTTERING AROUND THE FLAT; JOHN FLASHES A QUICK LOOK AT SHERLOCK, AND MRS. HUDSON MOVES UPSTAGE RIGHT TO THE KITCHEN]
Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock! Look at the mess! [Starts cleaning up]
[JOHN SITS DOWN AS SHERLOCK AND MRS. HUDSON PUTTER ABOUT. A FEW SECONDS OF SILENCE AND SUDDENLY THERE’S FOOTSTEPS COMING UP THE ‘STAIRS’. SHERLOCK LOOKS TO THE OPEN DOOR OF THE FLAT AND GREG LESTRADE APPEARS, LOOKING LIKE HIS RUMPLED SELF. CUE I Have a Case]
Greg: [Opens mouth]
Sherlock: Where?
Greg: Brixton – Laurstan Gardens.
Sherlock: What’s new about this one?
Greg: You know how they never leave notes? This one did -------- will you come?
Sherlock: Who’s on forensics?
Greg: Anderson.
Sherlock: [annoyed look] Anderson won’t work with me.
[GREG LOOKS AT HIM]
Sherlock: I won’t come in a police car, but I’ll be right behind.
Greg: [half bow in gratitude] Thank you. [nods at both Hudson and John]
Sherlock: [composed until an offstage door slams; slamming cues prancing around] YES! It’s like Christmas – four suicides and a note! I’ll be late – Mrs. Hudson could you get dinner, something cold will do. [putting on coat again]
Mrs. Hudson [Sing song]: Not your housekeeper, dearie.
Sherlock: [Ignores Mrs. Hudson] John, make yourself at home, have a cuppa. I’ll be back late. [Sweeps out the flat door and slams it behind him; cue out I Have A Case].
[MRS. HUDSON AND JOHN SIT IN SILENCE; CUE ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC; BEFORE MRS. HUDSON BUSTLES OFF TO THE KITCHEN TO MAKE TEA. A KETTLE IS PLACED ON A STOVE]
Mrs. Hudson: I’ll make you a cuppa, you rest your leg.
John: [angrily] DAMN MY LEG.
Mrs. Hudson: Ooh!
John: [sheepishly] Sorry. I’m so sorry. Sometimes this bloody thing..
Mrs. Hudson: I understand, I have a hip. [WALKS OUT OF THE FLAT]
[DURING THIS EXCHANGE, SHERLOCK APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY. CUE OUT ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC]
Sherlock: You’re an army doctor. Any good?
John: I would say so.
Sherlock: Seen a lot of injuries and blood then.
John: Yea. Enough for a lifetime.
Sherlock: Want to see some more?
John: No. Are you crazy?
Sherlock [dismissive]: Yes you do. Come along, John.
[SHERLOCK SWEEPS OUT OF THE FLAT, AND JOHN TAKES ONE LOOK AROUND BEFORE GRINNING AND FOLLOWING HIM.]
Sherlock: [O.S] And people say I’m crazy.
[JOHN PAUSES IN THE DOORWAY, A MANIAC SMILE ON HIS LIPS. LIGHTS HAVE ALREADY STARTED GOING DOWN ON THE FLAT, LEAVING ONLY A SPOTLIGHT ON HIM; DOWNSTAGE LIGHTS REMAIN UP; A REMINDER OF THE LAST CHORDS IN HIS SONG PLAY, AND THE CURTAINS SHUT COMPLETELY WHEN THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT. A MAN IN A SUIT WALKS ON STAGE RIGHT WHEN THE CURTAINS SHUT – HE IS WEARING A SUIT AND HOLDING AN UMBRELLA IN HIS LEFT HAND. HE SMILES FOR A MOMENT AT THE PHONE IN HIS HAND BEFORE HE POCKETS IT CONFIDENTLY AND LEANS CASUALLY ON HIS UMBRELLA. OFFSTAGE, WE HEAR VOICES AND THE SLAMMING OF A DOOR ECHOING.]
John [O.S, getting closer]: You could have just called.
Mycroft: If one wants to avoid the attention of the most observant man in England, one must be discreet.
John [enters stage left]: Hence this place.
[MYCROFT SAYS NOTHING BUT GIVES A FAKE SMILE]
John: So….
Mycroft [suddenly]: What is your connection to Sherlock Holmes?
John: What makes you think I have one?
Mycroft: You met him yesterday and since then have moved in and are currently solving crimes. I believe it’s obvious there’s a connection.
John: And you are..?
Mycroft: An interested party.
John [disbelief]: An interested party.
Mycroft: Yes. Simply put, I am the closest thing to a friend Sherlock Holmes has.
John: Which is…
Mycroft [simply]: An enemy.
John: An enemy?
Mycroft: Certainly. I’m sure if you were to ask him, he’d go so far to say an archenemy. He does love his dramatics.
John [saucy]: Thank god you don’t.
[A TEXT ALERT GOES OFF. JOHN TAKES THE PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND STARES AT IT WHILE IGNORING MYCROFT. OFFSTAGE, WE HEAR SHERLOCK’S VOICE AND HE’S READING OUT WHAT WE CAN ONLY ASSUME IS THE MESSAGE.]
Sherlock [O.S]: Baker Street. Come at once if convenient. SH
Mycroft: What are your plans for yourself and Mr. Sherlock Holmes?
John [saucy]: I might be wrong, but that’s none of your business.
[MYCROFT GIVES ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING SMILES AGAIN AS THE TEXT ALERT GOES OFF ONCE MORE. JOHN PAUSES, TAKES THE PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND STARTS TO READ THE TEXT.]
Sherlock [O.S]: If inconvenient, come anyway. SH
Mycroft [casually]: You’re very loyal. Very quickly.
John: I’m really not that loyal. I’m just not interested.
[JOHN TURNS AND IS ABOUT TO LEAVE WHEN MYCROFT PULLS OUT A NOTEBOOK AND STARTS TO READ OUT OF IT.]
Mycroft: Trust issues, it says here. Could it be that you’ve decided to trust Sherlock Holmes?
John [turning back]: Who says I trust him?
[MYCROFT GIVES A SMILE]
John [looks uncomfortable]: Are we done?
Mycroft: You tell me.
[JOHN NODS AND TURNS AWAY. AS HE DOES SO MYCROFT PUTS THE NOTEBOOK BACK INTO HIS POCKET AND STRAIGHTENS UP.]
Mycroft [Like a breath]: Remarkable.
John[PAUSES, TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND TURNS BACK AROUND TO FACE MYCROFT]: What is?
Mycroft: Most people blunder about London only seeing streets and cars. When you walk with Sherlock Holmes, you only see the battlefield. And you’ve already seen it, haven’t you? You’re not haunted by the war, Dr. Watson. You miss it. [smiles]. Welcome back. [WALKS OFF STAGE, STAGE RIGHT. UMBRELLA IS SWINGING] It’s time to choose a side Dr. Watson. The choice is yours.
[JOHN IS SPEECHLESS BY THE OBVIOUS DISMISSAL. HE NODS AGAIN, GIVES A MILITARY TURN AND GOES OFF STAGE LEFT. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A CAR ENGINE STARTING UP AND DOORS SLAMMING SHUT. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT.]