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David never woke up in the middle of the night. He could sleep through pretty much anything. It was Gwen who would always wake up because of little things in the night, but there she was, fast asleep next to him while he stared at the ceiling. He rolled over and checked his phone. 2:23 AM. There was no reason for him to be awake. He hadn’t had a particularly bizarre or scary dream, he hadn’t heard anything- if he had, Gwen would be awake. Yet, for some reason, he absolutely could not fall back asleep. He decided what he needed was to go get a glass of water from the kitchen, and then maybe he’d be able to get back to sleep because he’d done something. He leaned over to Gwen and softly placed a kiss on her forehead, not wanting to wake her up, and quietly got out of bed and crept out of the room.
When he opened the door, he didn’t expect light to hit his eyes. He stumbled back in surprise, as there was no reason for the lights to be on this late. The only other person in the apartment was Max, and he’d tucked the kid in hours ago. But once his eyes adjusted, he saw Max’s hunched up form on the couch, facing away from him. And David could hear the sound of the boy softly crying. Shutting the bedroom door behind him, he walked towards the pull-out couch that functioned as Max’s bed for the time being. Max noticed the sound of David’s footsteps on the hardwood and flinched, quickly turning around to face him and make sure it was only David. The adult noticed the tears running down his face, even when he tried to wipe them off with his pajama shirt. He approached the boy and sat down next to him.
“Hey there, what’s going on? Did you have a nightmare?”
“No. I’m fine, go back to bed.”
“I can tell something’s up, Max. You know you can talk to me.”
“It’s stupid, and I shouldn’t even be thinking about it. All I did was make myself sad and wake you up with my fucking crying.”
“You didn’t wake me up, I’ve been up for a few minutes. I just came out to get some water. And nothing that’s making you this upset is stupid. I promise, whatever you tell me isn’t going to make me angry or annoyed with you.”
“It’s just, I was thinking about her.”
“Your old mom?”
“I don’t want to call her that. She wasn’t a mom, I took care of her more than she ever took care of me. But I was just, ugh you’re gonna think this is so stupid. Never mind, it doesn’t matter.”
“Max, I promise you, I’m not going to think it’s stupid. Your feelings are never stupid. They matter to me, because you matter to me.”
“Don’t say sappy shit like that, you’re gonna make me cry even worse than I already am. Fine, I’ll tell you, but it’s probably not what you’re thinking I’m going to say.”
“I’m not expecting you to say anything, I know I can’t predict your thoughts, so I try not to even attempt it.”
“I feel bad for her.”
Max was right, it really wasn’t what David was expecting him to say. David had no idea how Max could have pity for someone who’d caused him so much pain, but he knew he couldn’t judge because he hadn’t gone through anything nearly as bad as Max had. His childhood was bad, but Max’s was much worse, before he came to live with David and Gwen.
“I know it sounds crazy, but she was just grieving. Neither of us expected my dad to just leave in the middle of the night with all of his shit, leaving nothing but a note telling her he was going back to India because he’d found someone there while he was visiting his family. She didn’t know how to deal with it, because nobody knows how to deal with the love of their life disappearing without a trace. They’d been just fine together before he left, but I guess it was all an act to him. So she started drinking herself out of her feelings, and when that didn’t work, switched to harder stuff. She wasn’t trying to hurt me, she was just taking it out on me because she had no other way of dealing with things. I know she blamed me a little for my dad leaving, and I can’t fault her for that. Their marriage was perfect before me, but raising a kid is stressful. Stressful enough to give up and start over, I guess. So it was never her fault that she did all these things to me, she was just lashing out. Just like I would do to you. I was terrible, I tried to hurt you, tried to almost kill you, because I couldn’t deal with the things going on in my life. I couldn’t deal with having to step up and care for her, only to be shipped away in the summers so she could be rid of me.
So I took it out on you because you were always just there, being optimistic and pretending the world wasn’t full of shitty people who only cared about themselves. I tried to put cracks in your mask of permanent joy, try to get your whole belief in humanity to crack so that you’d give up and start crying yourself to sleep like I did, like I thought everyone did. Because that was the world I lived in, so I thought it was the world that you needed to live in. I didn’t even realize how terrible I was being to you, I just needed to break you for my own selfish gain. I couldn’t accept that someone as genuinely good as you could exist. I needed you to stop giving a shit so that I could accept that true happiness wasn’t real, that it was always an act, or just a temporary thing. But you were always happy, and you were always good. And I couldn’t understand it, so I tried to destroy it. I hit you with a bus, for fuck’s sake! I may not have been aiming for you, but I was trying to escape, and you just forgave me. You never punished me for all of the shitty things I did, never like she did. So I took advantage of how good you were, and lied to you and hurt you. And that makes me as bad as she was. I did the same thing to you that she did to me. So when I realized that, I couldn’t take it. She was just trying to deal with me, and I ran away and got her reported to CPS. I don’t know how you can deal with me when I’m such a bad person. I’m almost surprised that you haven’t dumped me somewhere where you have to deal with me anymore. I try to convince myself that you won’t do that, but that just means you’re too good of a person and I don’t deserve you in my life. If she was abusive to me, that means I was abusive to you. And you don’t deserve anything I’ve done to you.”
Max collapsed into tears after he was done, and David understood why it wasn’t something he’d wanted to talk about. But now that he’d been given a chance to respond, he was determined to prove the boy wrong.
“You said I didn’t deserve anything you did to me. But have you ever considered you never deserved anything she did to you? You were just a kid, you were six years old when you first came to camp, too small to be put in a tent with another kid. But already your outlook on life was so different than a child’s should be. You were so scared, blaming yourself for everything bad that happened, terrified that I was going to punish you for things that weren’t even your fault. And when you came back year after year to my unending happiness, of course you lashed out, you were dealing with things that no kid should have to, and so when you saw someone who wasn’t dealing with it, you wanted them to feel your pain. There are so many differences in the way she treated you and the way you treated me, but in the end, it all comes down to power and understanding. She was an adult, and she may have been going through some bad things, but she understood that what she was doing was wrong and terrible. But she did it anyway because she had power over you, and no one could stop her. Is it any wonder that you copied her actions, thinking it was the only way to be? You didn’t know any better. You weren’t trying to have power over me like she was to you, you were just trying to get me to understand what you were going through. You say you were trying to break me, but you were really just trying to get me to accept that the world wasn’t as perfect as I acted like it was. You were trying to get me to see the world how you saw it, because you believed your world was the world everyone lived in, when in reality, the world was so much better than you ever knew. Because you weren’t exposed to it enough.
That’s why I refused to punish you for how you acted, and instead tried to teach you a better way to be, a better ideology to have than the one you were forced into. And looking at how you’ve changed, no one can call you as bad as she was, least of all yourself. If you’re ever scared that you’re not a good person, Max, I just want you to remember that bad people don’t care about being better, they just care about making others as bad as they are. And that’s the difference between her and you. She tried to make you as bad as she was, and you’re trying to make yourself better. You’re a good person, you may have done some things you regret in your life, but don’t ever think that makes you as bad as you think you are. The fact that you regret the things you’ve done alone proves you’re a good person. Because you were never a bad kid, just a scared and confused one. And maybe you took your emotions out on others, but it was because you were never taught how to deal with them in a healthy way. The way you acted was not your fault, it was a byproduct of the abuse you went through. The key thing was, and you said it yourself, you didn’t even realize how terrible you were being. When you’re raised in a home of endless blame and abuse, you’re going to continue that cycle unless you’re shown how to be better. You said you didn’t deserve me, but Max, you deserve the world. You deserve someone to show you how to deal with your feelings in a healthy way, and become more than she wanted you to be, more than just your past. And if I can be that person to you, then you deserve all of me and more. You deserve a perfect life, and I know that’s more than I can give to you, but I’m trying my best to at least give you all of the love you deserve. Gwen and I both are. I know we probably aren’t the best parents, we don’t have very much experience, and we’re both trying to juggle having jobs with being here for you, but what we do have is love. We both care about you more than anything else in our lives, more than each other even. And you deserve it.”
David had started to tear up at some point in his speech, and by the end, he was crying almost as much as Max. He just wanted to be the best parent he could be for Max, even if it meant staying up every night to convince him he wasn’t a bad person. He’d do anything for Max. Because everything he’d said to the boy, he believed deep down in his heart. And he just wanted Max to believe it too.
“You guys are the best parents I could ever ask for. I wouldn’t give you up for the world. Thank you for taking me in all those months ago, for fighting to get custody of me, for never trying to get rid of me. You’ve taught me so much, and you’re right, I know I have changed since you’ve started teaching me to be better. You’re the reason I’m not a bad person, so give yourself some damn credit.”
“No, Max, everything you’ve become is because of you. I may have shown you how to get out of the state of anger and fear you were trapped in, but it was you who decided to believe in what I was saying. You had to take that step, to trust me when every other adult in your life had let you down. So I understand what you’re saying to give myself some credit, but really, it was all you.”
“Why did you ever even care about me? No one else understood what I was going through like you did, they all just labeled me a troublemaker. Yet even when all I’d do was push back against you, you continued to reach out to me. When I was a little shit to you, you stayed determined to change me into a good person, to help me even though I hated you. Why?”
“Max, I’ve been through a lot. Not as much as you have, but enough to know that the average person doesn’t care about anyone other than themselves. I know how it feels to need someone and have them not care about you as much as they should. I know how it feels to blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault and hurt yourself in the process of trying to fix them. I’ve been at a point where all I needed was for someone to reach out to me, to show me that how I was dealing with things wasn’t the right way, that there were healthier ways to deal with stress. I never got that person. The closest thing I got to an adult who cared about me and tried to help me was Gwen, and like me, she was just a kid who didn’t know how to deal with things. We tried to help each other and nearly destroyed ourselves in the process. So when I finally did get help, years down the road, I decided that if I saw someone in a situation like I had been in, that I would never stop trying to help them. Because somebody had to, and if it wasn’t me, I couldn’t be sure it would be anyone. So when I saw you for the first time, the youngest camper we’d ever had, stepping off the bus so scared of messing up around Gwen and I, I knew I would do all that I could to help you. Because I could tell that no one else was, and I wanted your story to have a happier ending than mine, for you to get help earlier than I did and for you to have people, adults, who genuinely cared about you.”
“David, I had no idea. With the way you were always so optimistic, I figured you had to have had an okay life. I mean, I knew your life wasn’t perfect, that you’d been through some shitty stuff, but I didn’t realize how much you understood what I’ve been through. I guess what I had mistaken for oblivious joy was just determined optimism all this time. Thank you for caring, for understanding me when I didn’t even understand myself.”
“You shouldn’t have to thank me for caring about you. You are my favorite person, Max, and I never want you to forget it. I care about you because I want to, not because I have to.”
“Okay, I’ve officially reached my limit for sappy shit. Now that we’ve both cried ourselves out and talked about our feelings way more than normal, let’s go to bed. It’s the middle of the night.”
“Can I ask you one more thing? It’s a little sappy.”
Max rolled his eyes and David could tell that he was back to his normal sarcastic personality that he always returned to fairly quickly after having a vulnerable moment.
“Fine, go ahead I guess.”
“I know the couch bed isn’t the most comfortable, as Gwen and I slept on it when you first got here until you literally forced us to take the bed and said you didn’t care about how it felt.”
“Yeah, yeah, go on.”
“So do you maybe want to come have a sleepover with Gwen and I? I know I’ve asked you before, when you’ve had a nightmare, so I get it if you don’t want to, but-“
“Yes! I mean, sure, if you want me to.”
David could tell Max was trying to hide his excitement. It might not have seemed like a big deal, but David could remember sleeping in the same bed as his mom as a kid when he’d had a bad night, at least when she didn’t have a boyfriend over, and he wanted Max to feel as safe and comfortable as he had back then, because he was sure the boy hadn’t done it in years, if ever. That’s why he’d been offering it to him when he’d had a nightmare or a late night cry, but the closest he’d gotten was Max falling asleep in his lap on the couch, and even though it gave him a stiff neck in the morning, David had refused to move from that position for the rest of the night, eventually drifting off sitting up. He looked down and smiled at Max, before getting up from the couch bed and gesturing for the boy to follow him. The two of them walked into the apartment’s only bedroom, but Max seemed to be having some reservations about the idea.
“Are you sure you want me to do this? I don’t know, it’s kinda dumb, and I’m probably too old for it.”
“Max, of course I do, but only if you want to. I don’t want you to feel like you have to if it’s not something you want. I know you’re not big on hugs or anything of that nature, so if you’re uncomfortable with sharing the bed, you can go back out. I’m not going to judge you, or get mad at you either way.”
Max mumbled something that David couldn’t hear, with his eyes firmly trained on the ground.
“What was that?”
“I want to, I’m just still getting used to the whole physical contact being positive thing. I’m afraid I’ll wake up and freak out because I’m not really used to being touched and not having it hurt. Like I’ve gotten used to hugs and stuff, but I haven’t slept in the same bed as someone in a really long time. I’ve never really had a sleepover with any friends or anything. I’m not sure I’m ready to sleep in the same bed as both of you yet. But I want to, so I don’t know what I should do.”
“We could compromise, I could come sleep on the couch bed with you. That way you would only be sleeping in the same bed as one of us, and there’s less of a chance of you getting squished.”
“No, you know what? I’ve fallen asleep on the couch with you, and I’ve been fine. I can do this, and I’m going to.”
“Are you sure you want to?”
Max looked up at David with a small smile.
“Yeah. It’ll be nice, I can barely remember what it was like with my old parents, so I may as well make some new memories with you and Gwen.”
David gently pulled back the covers, trying not to wake Gwen up, and Max climbed into bed, with David following him in so that he was sandwiched between the two of them. As soon as David had settled in, he felt cold feet in his back.
“Max, your feet are ice cold!”
He rolled over to see Max with a devilish smirk.
“Yeah, that’s the price of having me here.”
David over-dramatically sighed.
“Then I suppose that is the price I must pay.”
Max giggled as David rolled back over, but didn’t put his feet on David’s back again.
“Good night, David.”
“Good night, Max.”
Now that he was back in bed, David felt like he could fall back asleep within a minute, which he did. It turned out that he was right, he just needed to get up and do something before he could get some more rest.
And in the morning, when Gwen would awaken to find Max looking more content than she’d ever seen him, awake or asleep, she would decide that maybe today she’d sleep in. It was a Saturday, after all. It’s not like she had to get up. And it was nice to have both of her favorite boys peacefully asleep in bed with her, she wouldn’t want to accidentally wake either of them up.