Work Text:
Life as an idol was hard enough; there was the gruelling schedules, the lack of sleep, the constant lack of privacy, among other things but really, Jungkook hadn’t found much room to complain. He got to do what he loved and he got to do it with six people who he loved, so as hard as life was, he could deal with it, he could prosper even under these circumstances. He’d always felt that way until he’d started having confusing thoughts of his own.
You see, much of how he coped with the stress of life as an idol came down to the fact that, well, he didn’t have very many personal issues. Sure, he missed his family and friends and sometimes he felt so homesick his chest would ache from the pain of it. Of course, he had been prone to self-conscious episodes, as everyone was at some point in life. He hadn’t had the easiest life, but many people had it wo rse and many of the issues he did encounter had made sense in his mind, he had been able to logically think his way out of such issues and then find some sort of resolution.
It was a shame he had no idea what was really going on with him.
In hindsight, the whole thing would have been extremely obvious, and he’d likely kick himself for angsting over something like this for so long but, in the moment, or well moments is more accurate, he had found it hard to even think such a thing was a possibility.
He wasn’t homophobic, nor was he unaware that non-straight people exist, he just…. Well, he’d never thought he would be attracted to the same gender. It seemed his whole life had been full of the same plan forced upon him; Grow up, get a job, meet a girl, get married, have a family. There had never been a point in his early life that any of that was questioned. Although, it made sense, even he knew that the country he lived in was not the most accepting of such people still.
He’d liked girls before, he thinks. He’s definitely appreciated the pretty way they so often looked, with curves and a softness to them that was undoubtedly beautiful. Perhaps that only added insult to injury for he would never claim to be the most knowledgeable on things like sexuality and gender. A part of him connected in his brain that he found girls beautiful and so he was straight, no doubt about it and it was all done and dusted.
Joining Bangtan hadn’t turned this view on its head immediately. He grew close to his hyungs, formed close relationships with them and, yeah, of course he knew they were all attractive - they were idols, after all - but it wasn’t anything that made him question his identity. In fact, it took years before he even realised that perhaps some of his admiration towards certain males in his life held a deeper meaning and even then, he’d still brushed it off some.
He supposes he only really thought of it after Yoongi himself had come out to the rest of them as being attracted to the same sex. He had been the slightest bit shocked, but not because of the news, if anything, that had made sense. He felt shocked because of the vulnerable way his hyung had held himself, shoulders risen slightly and tense as hell, gaze firmly downwards and jaw clenched, he looked about ready to flee at any given moment and Jungkook… Jungkook felt his heart break a little staring at the image. He’d felt some strange mix of sadness and anger, sad that his hyung, who he knew hated to ever appear anything less than strong for those who relied on him, was having to do just that and anger that they lived in a world that was so cruel that it forced his hyung to look so on edge.
That incident had led onto him thinking more about himself too.
He wasn’t gay. He liked women, he assured himself on many occasions - often times after catching himself staring at Yoongi too long, his subconscious mind now unlocked to the possibility that, well, it wouldn’t be nearly as disastrous as before to let the attraction there brew a little more fiercely under the surface of his skin. There was a chance those feelings could be reciprocated now, after all, even if he wasn’t sure what said feelings really were as they bubbled inside of his chest.
That’s why one evening he decided to be a good friend and, only for Yoongi , search up more about the LGBT community. He wanted to be educated on these matters because one of the people he treasured the most belonged to that community, and damn any bad press he gets - he would support Yoongi no matter what anyone had to say and that was that.
(If he coincidentally got some interesting information that helped solve some of the confusion within him then…. Really, that was no one’s business but his own.)
In the end, he ended up being only more confused by all of the terminology that went into this sort of stuff. None of it explained what he was feeling, all it did was categorise it, label it. It didn’t make anything make sense to him, he was still full of confusion, mind brimming with too many thoughts, too many insecurities that he really didn’t know what to do with himself.
So he did the only thing he could think of, and something coincidentally very stupid. He ignored it. He let the feelings press up against his chest until they were almost suffocating him in the haze of confusion and stifled attraction.
It worked well for a short while.
That was until, like any other day, they’d been at dance practice, all seven of them. Most of them had the choreography down already, moving in fluid moves to the music easily, all they really needed to work on was synchronisation which meant the practice wouldn’t be as long today, as what was usual in events like this. He ignored everything, especially the part of his mind that whispered that Yoongi really did look damn good rolling his hips like that to the beat of the music. He refused to think about it and instead threw himself wholeheartedly into the dance instead. He also made sure to leave the studio for the bathroom as soon as they were dismissed, waiting it out until he was sure the rest would have left to go and collect his things to leave himself.
Only, he certainly hadn’t expected to find the one responsible for all his confusion there, still practicing away, a furrow to his brows and, goddammit… it was just his luck that he had to catch onto the elder’s presence just as he was practicing that damn body roll move, and he can only watch a moment at the surprisingly fluid way the one before him moves, the more rational part of his mind making a note to praise his hyung for his amazing progress, whilst the rest of his mind seemed only to consist of jumbled thoughts that ultimately resulted in corners that he certainly didn’t want to think about.
(Namely, things like what it’d be like to stand right behind him, hips rolling in a similar fashion to meet the rather appealing roundness of the elder’s backside or even further down the gutter having the man bent over and clutching the bar connected to the far wall but he really.. Really had to stop thinking about those things)
He can’t quite decide whether going home without his things - including his phone and coat for the rather brisk weather outside - is more worth it for the chance of not having to get closer to the cause of his turmoil.
However, it seems his choice on the matter is promptly taken away from him as his hyung turns, as the dance dictates, and sees Jungkook standing there with a strange mixture of emotion on his face and, Yoongi has to bite his lip and chide himself for imagining the hunger he saw there, it was just wishful thinking for him to think someone as attractive as Jungkook could want him , nevermind that the boy was straight . Instead, he stops with his dance to stare back for a moment, his expression softening into some form of concern as he sees the panic creeping into the younger’s expression.
“Kook-ah?” the words are spoken with only a touch of caution, “I thought you’d already left?”
This seems to set off a chorus of small coughs, Jungkook clearing his throat whilst gesturing timidly to his stuff still in the corner. “I had to go to the bathroom, I just need to get my stuff. Sorry for interrupting, hyung-”
...and that causes the slightest frown to pull at pink lips. There was clearly something going on with the younger male, he’d been in the bathroom for a long time and yet didn’t look physically ill, and he wasn’t the type to forget stuff either. The suspicion leads him onto cutting the younger off quickly “Are you alright, Jungkook-ah?” and he almost feels bad for the way the younger seems to wince nearly imperceptibly at the rather bold proclamation, but he wouldn’t beat around the bush, if there was something wrong with Jungkook he wanted to know as soon as he could so he could help the younger.
Still, the slightest amount of guilt wriggles through his chest at the almost wounded look concealed on his friend’s face and he allows the unintentionally harsh edge to his voice to soften, “... You just seem a little off, Kookie. You know you can tell hyung anything, right?”
That really didn’t help Jungkook’s growing problem though, he could grudgingly deal with it if… if whatever this was ended up being just some sort of sexual attraction to the older - he’d be the first to admit that Yoongi was good-looking, ridiculously pretty with that casual demeanor and voice that was just inherently comforting to him, ever since he’d met the man as a teenager. However, this whole thing would be so much more complicated if this strange attraction mixed with the natural, overwhelming affection he had for this man.
That’s why he allowed his lips to pull upwards into a strained smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes as he turned to collect his stuff. “I’m fine, Yoongi-hyung, just tired so don’t worry about me, yeah?”
Before either had a chance to really add much more, Jungkook was already collecting his things and marching out of the studio and leaving Yoongi behind.
Except leaving really did more harm than good to both of them. Jungkook was left, head shoved into his pillow and a mixture of anger, guilt and twisted attraction pooling into his stomach. Angry at the world, for giving him such a shitty hand in life, or at society for making this such a struggle for him. Guilty for the way he acted towards Yoongi earlier, poor, clueless Yoongi who had no idea what was going on inside of Jungkook’s head, Yoongi who had only wanted to help him, just for him to push the man away. At least now he could no longer deny the fact that he was definitely attracted to the elder, if the rolling in his gut was anything to go by, it really didn’t help that he was the type to be… well, spurred on by things like anger or any similarly intense emotions, the strong feeling only adding to that twisting in his gut that seemed adamant to remind him of the thoughts he’d been having only moments before he decided to act like such a dick to his poor hyung.
He practically let out a growl of frustration into his pillow, fists and jaw tightly clenched, eyes shut to prevent something like tears from leaving him because, what right did he have to cry? He was the one acting like a jerk, he was the one hurting people with these stupid confusing feelings that still didn’t entirely make sense to him. He felt as though he was stranded on an island surrounded by an ocean of change and he was too scared to jump in, too scared to risk something - he didn’t even know what - to ask for help, too afraid of what that might mean and what he might have to admit.
He couldn’t do anything about it now though so he resigned himself to moping about it for a while, angry, guilty thoughts rocking painfully around his mind until the stress of it lulled him to sleep.
It took a week and multiple days for him to finally find himself in front of Yoongi’s studio, and he wasn’t really in any better state than before. As he stood there, staring at the door, he mostly hoped that the other had already gone to bed, which he knew was probably worryingly untrue, but still, he could hope, if only for both of their mental well-beings. He stares at the locked door a little harder, lips pursed, eyebrows furrowing in concentration as he mulls over whether to leave or stay. He didn’t really know what to say if he stayed, he didn’t want to say anything, not really , but he also wanted to tell someone and he knew he couldn’t express these thoughts to the other members because they wouldn’t understand it, not like Yoongi would, he had a feeling Yoongi would understand it far more than he understood it himself, and he told himself that was the only reason he was really here.
Then again, in doing so, he’d probably blab about the attraction he’d been feeling for the older too, and he didn’t think he was ready for that.
However, before he could make a choice, it seemed the choice was made for him, the door swinging open (and wow he must’ve been really deep in thought not to hear the older coming) and so Yoongi finds him like that, just outside his doorstep with a furrow in his brow and something heartbreakingly lost in his eyes and so Yoongi can do only one thing with it. He can’t resort to his sometimes more impersonal persona, he can’t reside in his own safety bubble, not when he finally has a chance to properly help the younger, whom he cares deeply for, and he wasn’t going to miss such a chance.
So he softened, lips curving downwards just slightly, almost forming a pout as his lips naturally did every so often, and eyes widening with his concern. A hand reaches out tentatively, places itself on Jungkook’s bicep as he tilts his head upwards to meet his gaze more firmly, he knew the younger lived for these sort of comforting touches - just as he less obviously did - so he was fine with lending a literal hand to the situation even before he verbally acknowledged the other’s presence, he had a feeling that the mood had to be set for what was going to happen, and he knew it sure as hell wouldn’t hurt either way.
“Jungkookie?” he tries, voice edged with softness, “Why are you up so late, hm? Do you need to talk with hyung?”
This only proves to make guilt weigh even heavier on Jungkook’s heart, hopelessness seeming to overwhelm him for a moment. Perhaps that’s why he steps forward, knocking that hand from his arm and instead engulfing the smaller in a hug. He barely registers what he’s doing at first, just squeezing the older tightly into his arms and trying not to break down like his wild mind seems to want to.
“I’m sorry, hyung, so sorry…” he whispers out, back hunched as he bends down to bury his face into the elder’s shoulder, arms only tightening where they sat around Yoongi’s waist as the silence continues in the wake of Yoongi’s own surprise.
The rapper hadn’t been expecting such a sudden display of affection from this, even less so an apology, but slowly he allows himself to relax, to wrap his own arms around the younger and place a reassuring hand on his back. A hum leaving his lips as he allows a moment to merely bask in the sensation of having the younger so close.
“It’s alright, Kook-ah, I promise.” comes the quiet murmur, “Just… come inside for a minute, hm? We’ll talk things over, okay?”
A nod is all he receives in return and he gently pulls away, only to grab the younger’s hand within his own and pull him into the studio behind him. He urges the boy to sit on the small sofa inside, before carefully perching down beside the distraught male, hand still carefully within the younger’s tight grip - he held as if afraid Yoongi would let go, like the elder could ever let go of him.
There’s a soft sort of silence that then ensues, broken only occasionally by the still slightly uneven pattern of breathing the younger of the two has, although that soon calms under the gentle thumb Yoongi brushes over his knuckles, again and again, mindless yet soothing in its simplicity, and when he finally looks back to the older he feels his chest ache because he hadn’t meant to worry the male, this was supposed to be his own problem to deal with, not anyone else’s and he can’t stop the faint “I’m sorry…” from leaving him once again.
“Kook-ah… I already told you that you have nothing to apologise for…” is the gentle reply he gets in return, only causing the ache in his chest to deepen inexplicably so, “You can always talk to me, you know?”
A nod is all the younger gives in reply for a while, merely watching the smaller male for a moment, eyes skimming across skin drawn taught with worry, eyes open and gentle and comforting and he kicks himself internally for a moment, for ever thinking he couldn’t have just spoken to the elder, he always complains about Yoongi’s need to do everything on his own and yet, here he was, doing the exact same thing. He has people who care for him, who he can talk to, and he knows this man especially won’t judge him for how he’s feeling.
“.... Yoongi-hyung, how… how did you know…?” he can’t quite bring himself to say it, gaze dropping to the hand held within his own to avoid that gaze, even as he feels it there, on him.
“How did I know what, Kookie?”
“That…. that you like… boys the way you do…” and his voice grows smaller with each word, his grasp going slack on that hand as if to give the elder an out if he wanted one, telling him he doesn’t have to help him by talking about these things since he can still remember his face the day he told them, can still remember the vulnerability that had practically oozed from the man regarding the topic.
Unbeknownst to the taller male, an eyebrow had slowly risen on Yoongi’s face, only to fall short when the actual topic of conversation came to light, a look of realisation settling in his eyes. He could understand this behaviour now, could understand the pushing away, the closing off, he had done so when he was going through his own acceptance of his sexuality. The hand within Jungkook’s does pull away but only to settle atop the young man’s head, to slowly card his fingers through thick hair in an effort to be as comforting as he could, a large breath he hadn’t even realised he was storing passing his lips audibly.
“It was hard, Kook-ah…” comes his careful admittance, “even when I knew there was nothing wrong with being attracted to men, a part of me denied it as a part of myself and the rest followed suite. I can’t tell you how I knew because I wouldn’t let myself know at first, I only knew once I let myself.” the words are delivered slowly, calmly, a hint of ponderence in his tone and he realises that, even though he had told the rest of the band, he had never really talked about his personal struggle with this part of himself, and doing so in retrospect seemed to ease something off of his shoulders he hadn’t realised was there.
He doesn’t press to get the other to speak just yet, just continues to run his fingers soothingly through his hair for a few moments, allowing what he’s said to sink in for the both of them before speaking up again, “... but once I let myself accept that part of me… It was like nothing I’d ever felt before, Jungkook-ah, it was freeing, to stop lying to myself.”
It was still a few more moments before the younger of the two could look up to his hyung, eyes searching and finding nothing but honesty there. Really, he was seriously kicking himself for putting this off for so long, Yoongi always seemed to know what to say but not in such a way that you felt as though they were only saying what you wanted to hear, the elder was honest - brutally so at times - and even if he couldn’t always express his emotions as freely as the rest of them could, it really made him no less emotionally intelligent, and there was evidence enough of that in the music that he created.
“... Thank you, hyung.” he allows and, with the burst of affection still so bright within his chest he could hardly help it when he brushed the hand from his hair and pulled his friend closer again, holding him tight against his chest and burying his nose in the hair that brushed against his throat, “Do you mind if… if I ask you something else about this?”
“Of course not, I told you that you could talk to me, Jungkook, I meant it.” comes the easy reply, words spoken almost into the other’s skin due to the position he was put into, his head on the taller’s shoulder, facing towards the column of that throat, and the feeling it gave to Jungkook perhaps urged him to continue into territory he had been previously too afraid to even acknowledge.
“Well… Did you ever… feel attracted to someone close to you? Someone that you felt you shouldn’t be?” he swallows thickly, face buried stubbornly within his companion’s hair, not at all ready to ask him this eye to eye, “I’m just… I’m so confused, Yoongi-hyung, I don’t know what to do…”
A strained hum comes from the smaller, lips held tightly together a moment as he ponders whether or not to be completely honest because, well, of course he’s been attracted to people he was close to, he would be lying to say he wasn’t attracted to Jungkook himself right here, but he didn’t want to add more confusion onto what seemed to be a messy pile of baggage stacked upon Jungkook’s shoulders.
“It’s alright to be confused…” he settles with, arms coming to wrap around the other and ease a soothing a hand down that spine, “... and it’s alright to feel attracted to people your close to as well. Of course, I’d felt that way, it’s only natural and there’s nothing wrong with it, so-”
“But.” and he feels bad instantly, he knows it’s rude to cut others off but he has to get this out, he has to be honest with this man, especially after all he’s said, all he’s opened himself up to in order to comfort him, “... but, what… what if it’s… you..?”
Everything seems to be frozen a moment, neither of them even seeming to breathe as the weight of the confession settles upon them both and, for one horrifying moment, Jungkook is sure Yoongi will push him away, be disgusted by the attraction lingering under his skin whenever he’s near. That does not come, however, it does take Yoongi a moment to unfreeze himself from the shock of the situation, head still atop the younger’s shoulder, eyes fixed against the tense muscles of that neck as the silence imposes itself between the two.
Then, finally, quietly, with an edge of something almost like wonder, he asks, “ Me? ”, because as confident as he can be, the both of them are aware of the issues he has beneath the surface, the younger had listened to his infamous mixtape after all. This situation seemed to be asking for such feelings to creep up, the elder couldn’t help but be stupefied for a moment at the very idea that someone like Jungkook could ever be attracted to someone like him, “... are you sure?”
And, as glad as Jungkook is not to be thrown away in disgust, that only seems to deepen the ache in his chest and he finally pulls away to look into the other’s eyes, holding firmly onto those shoulders in an effort to maintain that attention on him, because, boy, did it hurt seeing someone as amazing as the man in front of him, doubt himself.
“Of course I’m sure, Yoongi-hyung, why wouldn’t I be?”
The rapper has to bite down on the urge to let his insecurities take over and instead decides to accept the overwhelming amount of honesty in those eyes, the way he’s staring at him like he’s something precious making something simultaneously calm and ignite inside of him.
He clears his throat, averts his eyes, before a gentle, “Thank you” passes his lips and he smiles, not quite the full-bodied gummy smile that Jungkook had been hoping for, but one that still bunched up his cheeks and hid some of his eyes from view and he was content enough in seeing that.
“... and, well, there’s nothing wrong with you feeling that way either, Jungkookie,” he allows the nickname to ensure that the younger is fully aware that he isn’t pushing him away now, “It isn’t as though I’m offended… I would be lying if I said I found you unattractive” He allows, teeth finding his lower lip nervously as he meets those wide eyes once more and-
Jungkook seems starstruck almost, and it makes the skin at the back of his neck heat up and dammit, he hadn’t wanted to blush in front of Jungkook, like some teenager, but the singer was looking at him like the very idea that Yoongi found him attractive was the greatest gift he’d ever been given, and even though insecurities still bubbled away under the surface, he couldn’t deny how genuine the man looked like this.
Clearing his throat once more, he reaches up to pat the side of that face, a small smile curling up his lips, almost completely against his will as he stares at that face, and, as he speaks, he pulls away some, making to stand and move towards the door “Come on, Jungkook-ah, it’s late, if you’ve gotten everything out that you wanted to say then it’s probably best you get some rest… I know it can be exhausting.”
And just like that, a switch seems to be flipped and a hand tightens on the elder’s wrist, to which he looks down at the still seated man in surprise, lips pursing slightly in his confusion and, oh man, that really didn’t help Jungkook’s predicament because now he’d been assured it was alright to feel these things, it seemed every little action just wanted to slap him straight in the face with how pretty this man was.
“Wait, Yoongi-hyung, I-” and he swallows thickly again before pulling himself up, keeping his hand firmly around that wrist as he tips his head down to properly look the other man in the eyes, searching for something as the compulsion to do something he might regret flows within his mind. It doesn’t help that these actions only confuse Yoongi more, his brows furrowing and his lips pouting outward more, an effect of his confusion and… now his gaze is stolen again and he really should really stop thinking about how pretty his hyungs lips look like that, should really stop thinking about what it would be like to feel them against his own, and without really thinking, he leans in and places the quickest peck there, lips just brushing before he pulls away with wide, panicked eyes to take in Yoongi’s own wide-eyed expression, “ah, I’m sorry, I just… I wanted to know what that would feel like.”
As the shock slowly leaves him he’s left as slightly amused at the flustered way the other is acting over such a simple thing and he has to try with all his might to crush the urge to tease the younger a little, it was probably too soon, the younger was still too new to this side of himself and he’d have no place in rushing Jungkook into something he wasn’t ready for, no matter if he’d initiated it himself.
“It’s alright, Jungkook-ah, I already told you I wasn’t offended by all of this.”
“Oh. Wait.” and the younger seems to freeze as the implications of that sentence fall upon him at once, like a bolt of lighting right down his spine, and he can tell the elder knows that he’s realised, if the grin that curls those lips upwards is any indication, “This… means that you… want this? That you’re going to let me… you know?”
A sigh and then, “I was going to help you through this either way, Jungkook-ah, I don’t want you to feel as alone as I did and… well, if it comes to it, and we both still want to help each other in a more… physical way, then I won’t object to it.”
He can see the way those eyes light up, how that mouth opens a second before he leans in, presses a slim finger to those lips to stop him, cat-liked eyes sparkling in amusement a moment before he continues, “... but not now. We have time, but right now it’s late, and you’ve been through a lot so we’re going to head back to the dorms and sleep, okay?”
All he gets is a nod in return, his finger still abstructing that mouth and he slowly pulls away, only to lace their fingers together, he knows how temperamental the mind can be, so he wants to reassure the younger (and, perhaps, even himself) that this did happen.
They don’t talk on the journey back, just quietly walk, their hands intertwined between them easily until they reach the dorms where fate would have them split so they can sleep alone, and, in a sudden spike of panic, Jungkook’s hand tightens on his hyung’s own and they both pause, turning to one another, just looking at each other for a moment, letting the events of the night really sink in now that they were back.
“Hyung…” his voice comes out low, and instinctively he swipes a tongue to dampen his dry lips, gaze firm on Yoongi, not even giving the elder a chance to take a glance at his own lips, the look in his eyes too full of something that you just can’t look away from - a mixture of longing, curiosity and affection and just a bit of vulnerability. “... Can I lay with you tonight? I don’t really feel like sleeping alone right now.”
Yoongi does the only thing he can in such a situation, he bites softly on his lower lip but nods nonetheless, allows himself to be dragged to the younger’s room, to the younger’s bed and under the younger’s covers, only taking a break for them to both shimmy out of the jeans they had been wearing so they can settle comfortably in together.
It’s surprising, how new and yet normal it feels, and it takes only a moment for Jungkook to reach out, to wrap the smaller in his arms and pull him closer, urging a leg to tangle with one of Yoongi’s so they were cuddling, wrapped up together peacefully.
“Goodnight, Kookie” the elder murmurs, the length of the day seeming to catch up on him all at once, drowsiness clouding his voice, and he cannot even pretend to complain about all the contact, instead burying his face into the taller’s neck, and brushing a gentle kiss into the skin there to accompany his words, eyelids steadily growing heavier as each long minute passes.
Jungkook doesn’t know why he waits to reply, but he does, and it’s only when he feels the breathing against his neck even out that he murmurs, “Goodnight, hyung.” in return, pressing his own kiss to the crown of that head as well. He doesn’t know why he waits but it feels right, just as his head finally does for the first time in months.
There’s confusion that’s still there, of course, one conversation hadn’t fixed everything that had been troubling him but, with the warm breath of one Min Yoongi puffing against the skin of his neck, and the support of the rest of his friends, he thinks that it isn’t so much of a problem anymore.
He knows that there’s no going anywhere but up from here.