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Rodney was looking forward to the lecture. He needed to get away. Sure, he was already a galaxy away but apparently, Cheyenne Mountain still wasn't far enough. He needed some distance from stargates, wormholes, and wild haired Colonels. He'd left Atlantis three weeks ago, deciding to stay on Earth after he returned from Carson's funeral in Scotland. He hadn't given anyone at the SGC a real explanation as to why but his request for a transfer was granted anyway. Rodney had pointedly ignored all of Sam's curious looks every time he saw her. Even if he had wanted to vent about his breakup, he couldn't. For John's sake, he couldn't. No, it was best to just get on with his life and hope that John was doing the same.
He'd gotten a message from Teyla and a couple from Elizabeth, catching him up on things and asking him to come back. None of it mentioned John. He was probably busy charming hot alien priestesses or something. Certainly not crying into his ice cream tub over Rodney. That was fine. That was what he'd wanted. He didn't set out to hurt John, after all. John should be happy. He deserved to be happy. And Rodney could be happy too. Away from John and Atlantis. Going out to Santa Monica with old colleagues would be good for him. It might be nice to see people he hadn't seen in a decade...people who thought he was a washed up has been. People who didn't know what he'd been up to and so assumed he'd been up to nothing. He sighed. Who was he kidding? Those people had never liked him anyway. Still, California might be a nice change in scenery. Or at least a distraction.
A distraction was really what he needed. Every time he walked past the gateroom, he thought he saw John out of the corner of his eyes, slouched, smirking, and waiting for him. Frankly, he was getting sick of it. He needed to get John out of his mind. In a few days, he'd be on a plane out of this mountain. He tried to let the thought relax him as he walked through SGC's dreary halls.
"McKay!"
Rodney froze at the sound of Sam's voice. He turned to see her heading toward him with a mischievous grin on her face. That couldn't be good.
"What's up?"
"Are you all packed and ready to go?"
"Go where," he asked.
"The lecture."
"The lecture's in three days. The plane ride is a couple of hours," he said slowly. He wondered if they had a foothold situation on their hands.
"Except you're not flying. You're driving. General Landry and I thought you needed an escort."
He gaped. "An escort? Why?"
She shrugged in mock innocence. "Well, as you're always pointing out to us, you are an irreplaceable member of the SGC and the whole program would fall apart without you. We have to make sure nothing happens to you."
"Oh, so you're mocking me again. Ha ha. I think I'm perfectly capable of making it to California and back by myself, thanks," he rolled his eyes.
He tried to turn but Sam placed her arm around his shoulder and steered him in the other direction. "Come on, McKay. It's just a light military escort. You probably won't even notice that he's there."
"Military? Okay, what's going on here? Have you been taken over by an alien again? Because there is no way that I'm going to..." he stopped in his tracks as she led him through a door where one John Sheppard was slouching in a chair, smirking that infuriatingly lazy smirk at him.
"Hey, Rodney" he said brightly.
"What the hell are you doing here," he asked.
John's face didn't change, "it's nice to see you too."
"This is your escort," said Sam. She lightly pushed him into the room. "Colonel Sheppard rented a car and you guys can leave whenever you want."
Rodney crossed his arms in defiance, "well, I already got my airline ticket."
"We'll get you a full refund," came Sam's easy reply.
"Come on. It'll be fun. You've got some leave. I've got some leave. In fact, as I recall, that's not exactly a coincidence, is it," John said. His voice was deceptively light. His eyes never wavered from Rodney, daring him to refuse.
"Don't make me order you, McKay," said Sam.
Rodney sputtered, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. This was clearly a set up. Carter and Sheppard had planned this. This was all an elaborate plot to get Rodney alone with John in a car for two days. He had no idea why Sam of all people cared at all about his relationship with John though. Except, well maybe, perhaps, it could be said that he had been a touch more acerbic than normal since he got back. He certainly wouldn't say that. But, someone might.
He looked back toward Sam. She had her arms crossed and was glaring hard at him. She wasn't gonna budge. The last thing he needed was her pissed at him. Well, more pissed than usual anyway.
"Fine. We need to stop by my place to pick up my stuff," he said as he pushed his way passed Sam and out of the room. "I'm ready, Colonel, if you wouldn't mind," he called behind him.
****
The car wasn't special. Rodney didn't know why, but he expected something a little more flashy. It was a silver Camry that was at least a few years old. John was driving. Sunglasses on and staring straight ahead, not saying a word. That pissed him off. John came back to Earth for the sole purpose of disrupting his life and now he wasn't even going to speak to him? Fine. Two could play that game. In theory, anyway. Silence had never been one of Rodney's strong points. He didn't want to be the first one to cave, but he couldn't stand the quiet any longer.
"Spared no expense on the travel arrangements, huh?"
The corner of John's mouth quirked up, "you know the SGC. Only the best for their best and brightest."
This seemed encouragement enough for John because he continued, "so, what's new?"
"What's new," Rodney asked incredulously. "You just saw me three weeks ago."
John shrugged. "A lot can happen in three weeks. I mean, me, I was dumped three weeks ago."
Rodney winced at that, "so that's why you're here? You're gonna spend the week punishing me?"
"I'm here because I had these plans for nearly six months and I didn't feel like canceling them."
"Oh, come on. You don't really expect me to believe that you're in any way interested in a physics lecture! That was for me. My idea."
"And you invited me along," came John's breezy reply.
Rodney rolled his eyes in frustration. John was generally pretty laid back but now he was just trying to piss Rodney off. He hated that it was working. He hated that John could get him so riled up but stayed so calm himself.
"I didn't think I'd need to clarify that a break up makes all future plans null and void, Sheppard!"
"Ouch. Been downgraded to Sheppard, huh? And, don't worry, McKay. This is the last of our plans that I'll keep. When we get back, if it's still what you want, I'll go back to Atlantis, you'll stay in Colorado and that'll be that."
"That is what I want." He tried to put as much conviction in his voice as he could. His voice may have wavered a bit but he hoped it wasn't enough for John to notice. Seeing John again so soon was difficult. How was he supposed to make a clean break if John refused to behave according to his plan?
"And I want to go to the conference, so that's what we're doing." If John did notice Rodney's hesitation, he ignored it.
"You're not my team leader anymore. You can't tell me what to do," Rodney crossed his arms like a petulant child.
"Carter can," shot John.
Rodney shut his mouth and turned up the air conditioning. He slumped further down into the leather seating and closed his eyes. He should have refused. Claimed he had too much work to do. Turned and walked right out of the room the moment he saw John.
John interrupted his thoughts. "How about some music?"
"Not Johnny Cash," Rodney replied, not bothering to open his eyes.
"Well, I'm not listening to the classical stuff you like, either."
"Fine. We could compromise. Talk radio," he suggested.
"Absolutely not," John exclaimed. "That's not a compromise. It's just another thing that you like."
Rodney let out an exaggerated sigh. "Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is."
Rodney stubbornly kept his eyes closed until he fell asleep.
****
Rodney woke up to someone poking him in the shoulder. He swatted at the offending finger, only to hear a familiar chuckle coming from next to him. As he yawned, the noticed that the car was stopped. He peeked at John, who was giving him a fond smile. Then past him and out the window. Well, they were certainly out of the mountains. He was looking at desert.
"I got gas and snacks. If you have to go to the bathroom then now is the time. You drive for a while." John tossed the keys at Rodney and got out of the car. Rodney rolled his eyes and grabbed the keys that had fallen at his feet.
As soon as he was in the driver's seat, John settled in next to him. He took off his jacket and pillowed it against the window, leaning his head into it.
"I guess this means that I get the radio," said Rodney.
John smiled but didn't open his eyes. "Go nuts."
Rodney grabbed the plastic bag full of snacks. Soda and chips. And nothing else. He looked to the empty cup holders and rolled his eyes.
"You didn't get me any coffee?"
"Sorry," John replied. He didn't sound sorry at all.
"How am I supposed to stay awake? If you're just going to sleep?"
Now, John did open his eyes. He sat back up straight in his seat and looked at Rodney indulgently.
"Rodney, you've been asleep for six hours. I think you can make it at least four without a caffeine boost. I've got gate lag."
"Gate lag, please. I knew it. This is punishment. You're punishing me. That's real mature, Sheppard."
It had to be. John was pissed at him. Maybe that was fair. He had been a bit abrupt when he left. He probably hadn't explained himself as well as he could have. But, John had looked so hurt. So confused. Rodney didn't want to see John like that. He hated himself for putting that look on the man's face. So, John came to see him, under the ridiculous guise of wanting to go to this stupid lecture, just so he could make him suffer for a few days. John cut through his thoughts.
"Would you like to play a driving game," John asked in his most patient voice. Yeah, John was definitely just trying to screw with him.
"Just, just, just...go to sleep. I'll wake you when we get to a hotel," Rodney started up the engine.
John nodded and settled back down against the window. Rodney was struck with a sudden image of so many nights watching John fall asleep that same way in their bed on Atlantis. On the rare nights John waited up for him. Usually, he just accepted that Rodney couldn't be pulled away from the lab and went ahead to bed. But, he would always shift and sigh in his sleep when Rodney crawled in beside him.
Someone honked behind him. He became aware that they were still parked at the gas pump. Rodney shook the image away and started up the engine.
The desert was bright and flat as the miles wore on. John didn't stir. That annoyed Rodney. He could have flown first class and be lounging on a beach right now. He wouldn't be, but he could have. That was the point. But, instead he was driving through Utah with his ex-boyfriend passed out in the passenger's seat. Lovely.
Not to mention the stupid radio was barely coming through. For the hundredth time, he regretted this whole thing. He should have refused Carter. Refused Sheppard from the start. He kept his eyes on the road. At least it was dry out here. Not like in Scotland. Scotland had been wet, dreary, and gray. But, that had fit the occasion. No reason for the sun to be shining when Carson was dead and his family wrecked over it. Rodney had tried to keep Carson out of his thoughts as much as possible. The pain was too much. Much more than he thought it could be. And thinking about him would mean admitting that the loss had been controlling his actions. It was the reason he'd left Sheppard with barely a goodbye and was living under a mountain.
The sun was starting to set and he passed a sign that informed him that the next town would be the last for the next hundred miles. Good a place as any to stop for the night. Suddenly, there was a loud pop and the car swerved.
John bolted up in his seat. "What the hell?"
Rodney gripped the wheel tightly and attempted to regain control. "I think we blew a tire. Hang on!"
The car veered to the side of the road until it finally skidded to a graceless stop. Rodney had a white knuckle grip on the wheel. His breath was coming in short, heavy gasps. John turned to him and laid a hand on his arm.
"Hey, you okay?" Rodney nodded without looking at him.
"Let go of the wheel, Rodney. Come on. It's fine. Nothing compared to a jumper sinking to the bottom of the ocean, right?"
Rodney tried to get himself under control. John's hand slid up to grasp his and he tightened his fingers around his own. Rodney finally tore his eyes away from the desert in front of him and onto John. John, who was looking at him with confused concern and who spoke to him in a softer voice.
"Let go. It's okay."
"Yeah, yeah. I know. Of course I know that. It's nothing. Fine," he let his hands slip from the wheel.
"Okay, then. I'll go check it out. We've got a spare," he said as he unbuckled himself.
Rodney called after him, "there's a town really close to here. As long as we can make it there, we'll be fine."
John disappeared behind the car. After a few minutes sitting in silence, Rodney decided that things were moving too slowly and got out to join him.
"What is taking so long? What are you doing under there?!"
John was halfway under the car right behind the back tire. The ruined one discarded behind him and the spare halfway attached.
"One of the lug nuts rolled under here. Got it." John rolled back out. Sand and dust covering his shirt. "I'm almost finished here. Got just enough daylight left," he said as he continued attaching the spare tire.
"You shouldn't roll under there like that. What if the car had backed over you," Rodney crouched down beside him.
"I know what I'm doing, Rodney. I've done this a hundred times," said John, absently.
"Well, yeah, I know. Just, you know, be careful," Rodney shifted on his feet uncomfortably.
John eyed him and smiled in that self-satisfied way. "I'm always careful."
He turned back to the car, "That should do it. Let's find a bed and some food." He hopped up, slapping Rodney on the back as he passed. Rodney tried to hide a smile of his own. No stargate could go far enough for Rodney to get away from John Sheppard.
John brushed the sand off him as he climbed into the driver's side.
"I'll drive. Wouldn't want you trying to take us off road again," John smirked.
"Oh, ha ha. It wasn't my fault. Who the hell knows what this road is littered with?"
John just kept smiling, "toss the old tire in the trunk, will ya?"
"Oh, great. You couldn't have just done that yourself," Rodney lifted the tire. "God, do you have any idea what is getting all over me right now? This is disgusting."
"We'll be at a motel in about 20 minutes. You can wash your hands then. Come on. Burning daylight."
****
An hour later, they were finally in a mildly questionable motel room. They had found a slightly more questionable diner and had brought a couple bags of food back to the room. John was sprawled out on the bed closest to the door, absently flipping through channels. He looked like he didn't have a care in the world. Bastard.
"I'm gonna take a shower, unless you want in there first," said Rodney.
"Nah, I'm good."
"Seriously? You were just rolling around in the desert."
"I'm good. Unless you want to take one together," John shrugged as he shoved a few fries in his mouth. His tone was light and he didn't look at Rodney.
Rodney scoffed, "hardly." He stomped to the bathroom and locked the door. He blocked the onslaught of images of John naked and wet from his mind as he let the warm water rain down on him. He remembered the few times he'd showered with John. Coming back after a hard mission and washing the mud and muck off of each other. Soothing each other's aches and bruises away.
It was hard to stay strong when John was so close. Just outside the door, lounging like he always did. Making it too damn hard to keep pretending he didn't want him around. He suddenly felt so drained. All that trying to hold himself together since Carson died was catching up to him. He hadn't really allowed himself any comfort. As much as he'd wanted John's comfort, he'd pushed him away and then he'd left him behind in another galaxy. He'd been trying to spare himself misery but all he'd been was miserable. John couldn't be happy either. He wouldn't have come here to hi-jack his vacation if he were.
He shut off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist. It was time to get it all out in the open.
John was still in the same position. He seemed to have settled on some car chase movie and his burger was gone. The wrapper crumpled at his side. John glanced at him and said, "still taking scalding showers, I see. You look like a lobster."
"I miss Carson," Rodney blurted.
John froze and stared at him. He sat up and turned off the TV. He scooted to the end of the bed so that he could swing his legs over the side.
"I do too. We all do. That's why you need to-"
"No, you don't understand. You're a soldier. You've lost, I mean you're used to...and Teyla and Ronon, they've lost more than most people will ever have. I've never really, except my parents, but that wasn't exactly too hard on me. And believe me, I know that sounds awful but if you knew them, you'd understand. You can ask Jeannie."
"Rodney," John gently cut off his rambling.
"Right. Sorry. My point is I didn't know how bad it hurts to lose someone you really care about. Carson was my friend. The first friend I had in Antarctica. If I'm being honest, the first friend I had in the SGC. And if I had just gone fishing with him."
"So, you feel guilty."
"Of course I do. But, this isn't about that. The point is, if losing Carson can hurt this bad, I can't imagine what losing you will feel like. And let's face it, you're a lot more likely to be killed than Carson was."
John raised his eyebrows in surprise. He'd run through a hundred scenarios about why Rodney had left him, but this was one he wasn't expecting.
"So, that's why you left? Because you're afraid that I might die?" John was incredulous.
Rodney rubbed at his temples. "Because you're so willing to. I'm not saying you want to die. But, I don't know how much you want to live. You'd be the first in line to die for Atlantis and anyone in it."
John stood, "that's what I signed up for, Rodney."
"Yes. Yes. I know. And I can't really hold that against you. Except that I do hold it against you. I've never loved anyone like I love you. Losing you would be...I don't think that I could handle that."
John paused as if considering this. "Well, that's why I need the smartest man in two galaxies watching my back. And don't make me repeat that."
Rodney's lips quirked up for a moment. John took that as an encouraging sign. "Look, we all miss Carson. Okay? You have no idea what it's been like back home."
Rodney had the grace to look chagrined at that.
"But, this isn't the answer. Running away. Making yourself miserable. Making me miserable."
"I never meant to-."
John held up a hand, "I know you didn't mean to. But, you did. It's been hard enough without Carson. Then you left and I didn't know why. You can't just do that. You don't get to just decide we're done without consulting me. And I say we're not done. I say you need to get your ass back to Atlantis."
He was right. Rodney knew that. He just hadn't been expecting to love John so much. He hadn't expected to lose Carson. He didn't come to Atlantis looking for love or family. He never even intended to join a gate team. But, all those things had happened anyway. And Rodney didn't think he could live without it now.
John continued, "look, there's no way I can promise you that nothing's going to happen to me. Just like you can't promise nothing will happen to you. But, we're pretty strong together. I think, I believe, that we can make it. It's time to come home, Rodney."
John stepped right up to Rodney but waited for him to make the move. Rodney leaned in and kissed him. John wrapped his arms around him and savored the feel of holding Rodney for the first time in far too long.
"I'm sorry," Rodney whispered.
"Don't be. I know how hard this has been. Let's just put it behind us, okay?"
"Move forward," asked Rodney.
"Exactly." John kissed him again. "Still want to go that lecture," he asked when he broke the kiss.
"Screw it. Let's go home," Rodney answered.
John smiled, "that's the best idea you've had in a while."