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| WEDNESDAY
Hyunjin’s day, admittedly, starts just like his bad days, which, while fortunately don’t happen often, happen enough. He sleeps through seven alarms instead of the usual three, accidentally lets his toe touch Kami’s pee because Kami is half potty-trained and half not, and eats the really, really cold breakfast his mother left for him before heading off to work with his father.
Still, he’s not rushed or frantic. He’s in a good mood, actually. Looking forward to his day, so unlike how an everyday teenager that's forced to wake up at quarter to six in the morning to attend a corrupted system that raised society slaves instead of innovative thinkers (Chan’s words, not his) would normally be. Hyunjin’s takes his time in the shower, not rushing it like he usually does, even readying a playlist from his phone to jam along to while taking a bath. The chances of being late because of what he’s doing are at 100%, but he doesn’t let it affect him. He wants to make sure that today will be a good day, even if it’s a school day, and the first step to that is through doing things at his own pace.
Changbin texts him right when Hyunjin finishes his shower, stepping out the bathroom with his uniform messily placed on and drying his hair with a towel.
changbin: you’re being ridiculous
Nothing new. Changbin always says this, always knows. Hyunjin could scroll up and look through all their conversations and find something exactly like this, but then that would take too much time, because they talk a lot more than Hyunjin would like to admit, and it requires work he doesn’t feel like exerting.
hyunjin: it’s just a good day today
changbin: uhuh. have fun getting here first period
Hyunjin actually arrives at the start of second period, which is later than he’s ever been his whole life. The teacher doesn’t even bat an eyelash though, well-aware that Hyunjin just tends to do this. Always. On this certain day. It helps that he’s likable among both his peers and teachers, so he can get away with stuff like this as long as the gravity of them aren’t too heavy. His friends may never stop pointing out the obvious and excessive favoritism Hyunjin has, but he thinks that he might as well make the most out of what he’s given rather than complaining about it.
The early morning periods pass like a blur. Even if the lessons are important, Hyunjin fills his notebook with mindless doodles instead of words with useful information. At some point, he realizes that he ended up drawing figures making different kinds of precise movements, something he’s often seen Changbin draw on his sketchbook while waiting for his dancer friends to finish their training. Hyunjin’s art isn’t as great or legitimate, but the idea and similarity is there.
When their snack break arrives, his friends quickly come to Hyunjin’s classroom, bringing with them trinkets of bright colors he knows they normally don’t have with them but still recognizes, objects that are familiar to him and things he knows about.
Hyunjin whistles when Jisung dumps the armful of goodies on his desk. “Didn’t expect there to be so much,” Hyunjin admits, picking up a piece of chocolate and unwrapping it.
Jisung sticks his tongue out as he opens the chocolate bar in his hands. Hyunjin can see a folded pink paper sticking from his friend’s pocket, most likely a letter, and wonders if Jisung read it already. The handwriting’s not familiar to him, but it should be to Jisung, if he kept it with him. “Be grateful I even gave you some.”
Hyunjin lifts a shoulder, pulling out all the goods similar to what Jisung brought from under his table to place on top of the surface along with everything else in response. There are more than he didn’t retrieve, but the current amount he just displayed is enough to make Jisung pull a face in annoyance but not surprise, so it’ll do. “It’s not like I can’t give you some of my own anyway.”
Jisung looks to Seungmin for backup, but Seungmin just shrugs in reply. “You can’t beat him when it comes to the amount of admirers he has, Jisung. Give up.” There’s a long pink box he’s holding onto, slightly hidden from view but not intentionally. Hyunjin wants to ask about it, but he feels like he won’t get an answer.
Changbin’s awfully quiet, more than he usually is, only nibbling onto one of the candies he had stolen from Jisung’s pile of gifted sweets in a way that Hyunjin recognizes to be out of anxiousness. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” Changbin answers. “I just gotta go down in like, two minutes.” He swallows. “For a thing.”
Hyunjin raises an eyebrow at the explanation. “A thing?”
“Yeah.” He glances at his watch. “Well, one now.” He looks jittery, something Hyunjin doesn’t often see him in.
“It’s going to officially be the 3rd confession he’s received this day,” explains Jisung. “Shockingly enough.” Changbin glares at him. “It’s a boy this time though. Gave a sweet love letter asking to meet Changbin by the back garden around now. I bet he’s a romantic, maybe watches lots of anime.”
“I didn’t know that a lot of people liked Changbin," Hyunjin says. “Especially boys.” It’s uncommon for a boy to write a confession letter, and it’s even rarer for a boy to be writing it to another boy. It’s not necessarily unaccepted though; the school and students tolerate it, but they’re stricter than they normally are as compared to girl-boy relationships.
“Me neither,” Changbin mumbles.
“For what it’s worth,” Seungmin pipes in. “I’m still 500% sure this is one big prank pulled by Jisung.”
“Jisung isn’t smart enough to do that,” Changbin reminds him. “Fuck, I have to leave.”
He bolts out pretty quickly, and Hyunjin can’t tell if it’s out of excitement or the genuine desire to just get the entire thing over with. Jisung tugs Hyunjin out of his seat and towards the window area so they can see the scene unfold. “If only I was creative and sociable enough to really pull a prank like that,” he laments
They see Changbin’s stupid haircut come up to view and his figure standing still and nervously above the grass, as if unsure on what to do. A few minutes later, a boy comes and stands right in front of him, with dark blonde hair that Hyunjin recognizes to belong to Lee Felix, someone from their batch. It’s a bit surprising, considering how Felix is considered popular with girls despite being a new student, and maybe even a bit doubtful because of that factor. But there’s no other person in the area besides the two. Seungmin leans closer to Hyunjin to get a better look, almost resting his weight on the other, and sudden warmth and closeness catches Hyunjin off guard. He pretends like he doesn’t notice.
Truthfully, what Hyunjin enjoys the most on Valentine’s Day are the confessions more than the presents. Partly because they aren’t common, but mostly because it’s fun watching the concept of high school romance truly unfold before his eyes rather than just through a black screen. He himself doesn’t get as many verbal and outright confessions as he’d like to, especially compared to the amount of secret admirer gifts he gets—he’s probably only gotten two actual confessions in his whole life, and he’s never received long heartfelt love letters full of romantic proclamations. It’s most likely why, as he watches Changbin interact with Felix, he can’t help but feel the uncomfortable stir in his stomach that he recognizes as jealousy, even if there isn’t a big chance that Hyunjin would automatically like any person that would confess their feelings to him in the first place. But if he finds the person decent and likable enough, he might just say yes, just to try things out, just to try out the date thing and see if his feelings can really go anywhere. He's open to these stuff as long as he’s lucky enough to have them. It’s high school anyway; what’s the point if he doesn’t enjoy it?
It might make him a playboy, but the gesture would undoubtedly make him feel flattered, justifies something in him that needs affection which he rarely indulges in.
He can’t hear Changbin and Felix speaking, because the classroom’s window is still shut and they're too far away, but he can see how their lips move, spilling at quick speed and almost in a thoughtless manner, like they’re just blurting out things without regard for what they really mean.
After a few more minutes of talking (time that was too long for Seungmin, who left because he said he had better things to do than watch a muted love confession go on), Felix bows, turns away, and leaves with a blank look on his face. Hyunjin has no idea what just happened, even with his incredible reading-people-and-their-expressions skills. Neither had Jisung, apparently, because he opens the window and yells down to Changbin, “The fuck just happened?!” without any shame.
Changbin looks up at them, but doesn’t say anything. He looks neither happy nor upset, but like he’s tired. Then the bell rings, signaling the end of their break, and Changbin walks away as Jisung runs out of Hyunjin’s classroom to go to his own because he has Mr. Lee for his next subject and Jisung is anything but a favored student of his, taking all of his gifts with him in the process.
As Hyunjin fixes the things on his desk, arranging them to put away before his next class starts, he notices, under a box of chocolates, a blue paper that he doesn’t recall being there before. It’s a letter, he realizes, from the way it’s folded. A love letter, to be specific, though there’s a part of him that doesn’t want to assume even if there aren’t many possibilities to go with in the first place. But he doesn’t have time to read it, not when Ms. Park enters the classroom and tells them to stand up. It remains in his mind for the rest of the subject and in the busy periods that follow nonetheless. Makes him think, with amusement, that irony is funny. That the things people want come at unexpected times. Things like love. Or letters.
Especially that latter bit.
He takes the letter with him wherever he goes, even to the bathroom, unlike any of his other presents, which are, objectively, more useful and of value (Example A: the fancy set of wipes and tissues he received that not only did the job nicely during his toilet visits, but were also environmentally friendly). He doesn’t even try hiding it as he goes to meet up his friends again for lunch, this time by the garden area because Jisung likes to roughhouse with Jeongin in the grassy clear field even though they’ve just eaten and Jeongin hates it.
Hyunjin doesn’t necessarily have to say anything when he approaches them, only holding the letter as their eyes move from him to the paper.
“Holy shit,” Jisung says, eyes wide, practically snatching the letter when he sees it. Hyunjin grins as he sits down on the ground.
“What’s that? Hyunjin’s letter of suspension for always being late?” asks Jeongin.
“You wish.”
“It’s a love letter, I think,” Jisung answers, eyes scanning the paper repeatedly. Hyunjin wonders if he’s actually reading it or just skimming through it for the juicy parts. “Definitely a love letter. First one in a long time. No wonder you look happier than you usually do.”
“First one?” Chan asks, sounding surprised. “I thought you got a lot of those. You’re popular with the girls. Lots of my classmates talk about you; they even know you as that cute junior who is out of everyone’s league.”
“Chan-hyung, you should stop feeding Hyunjin’s ego,” Jisung says with utmost seriousness. “It’s not healthy. I think this letter is enough to reach his ‘Make Me Feel Good About Myself’ quota for the day.”
Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “I haven’t even read it yet. And the last time someone really confessed to me was almost two years ago.” He shrugs. “I kinda miss it.”
“I’ll read it out to you with my beautifully emotional and accurate diction then.” Jisung wags his eyebrows, and Hyunjin snorts. “Hey, that’s what Ms. Park told me.”
“Ms. Park is biased,” Hyunjin points out, but he keeps quiet, letting Jisung read it aloud like he wants to.
Hwang Hyunjin,
It would be surprising if you ever find or read this. But if you do, then know that, as terrible and cliché as this may be, I tried. I’d like to think that this is decent enough for a first and last attempt, but I guess that it’s up to you in the end, because this is for you.
This is for you, and so are the words that I want to say but are so hard to do so in person. I’ll have to, eventually, because there’s a part of me that needs to know how you feel. For now, I’ll have to settle with saying it through paper. You might already know this, but I'm still writing to confirm it. For assurance. Because you’re a person who likes to be sure of things.
So let me say this: I like you. That is for certain.
I think I liked you ever since you gave the worst speech after our school won the football match against Principal Kwon’s old school back in freshman year, a big smile on your face despite how grimy you were from rolling around the field, saying that you wanted to thank your coach for helping you feign illness and writing the excuse letters your parents would never write to escape from class so you could practice. It was that long ago, and I thought it was stupid, that crush of mine, because you were reckless and carefree and tended to do what you wanted, consequences pushed aside, but over time, over the months and years, I ended up falling hard for you and your stupidly handsome face, just like a lot of people in school have at some point. But maybe in a different way. Maybe in a more meaningful one.
I don’t know if by now, you want to know who I am. My identity is another certainty I think you would want, not just my handwritten, anonymous confession. I’ll tell you in six days. Half an hour before school starts, by the roof deck. Do the math for that; you’re smart, after all. You’re more than your looks, more than anything anyone thinks you to be. I hope you know it.
From, someone you know.
It’s very personal, Hyunjin notes. Maybe he should’ve read it before Jisung did and stopped him from reciting it aloud. They’re all quiet, letting the words sink in.
“Romantic,” Jeongin comments, finally breaking the silence. “And they write well.”
They. It occurs to Hyunjin that he doesn’t even know if it’s a girl or boy. There’s a higher probability of it being a girl, but Hyunjin remembers the unexpected confession Changbin got from a boy, and a handsome, popular boy, to be exact, and it makes him unsure. He’s not against the idea of homosexuality or anything related to it, but he never thought much about it to the extent that he might somewhat fall into that category himself.
He really doesn’t know, but he guesses that he’ll figure it out once he gets to meet his secret admirer, whoever he is. The “someone you know” doesn’t exactly give him any useful hints because he knows almost half of the entire school, and while the content and feelings can indicate that it’s someone who knows him well, it still all comes down to their meeting.
“Six days,” Jisung repeats. “That’s next Monday. Guess you’ll have to wait until then before you get the big reveal.”
“Hyunjin’s first confession. How exciting,” Chan says, grinning. “Don’t you think, Changbin?”
Changbin shrugs, glancing at the letter still in Jisung’s hands before slowly drifting his gaze back to his notebook, containing information on their latest lesson in Physics. Or well, they look like Physics notes from Hyunjin’s view. Changbin’s notes for school are messier than the things he writes out of enjoyment. The lead of his mechanical pencil has just snapped, and it’s obvious from the smudge on the paper that isn’t supposed to be there. He quietly brushes the dirt off and continues writing, bringing the notebook closer to him so the rest don’t see what he’s doing.
The lack of interest Changbin has for the whole affair makes Hyunjin unconsciously frown, his heart suddenly feeling heavier even though he doesn’t know why. He looks away from Changbin, trying not to let it affect him much.
| THURSDAY
Seungmin makes a face, arms crossing sternly despite Hyunjin’s efforts to look small and like a charming, lovable puppy. “I am not giving you the answers to Ms. Choi’s questions.”
Hyunjin’s friends always did tell him playing nice wasn’t his strong suit. He loses the act, visibly pouting. “You know I’m going to fail if I don’t know what she’s going to ask and how to answer them. She’s giving extra points for correct answers for recitation. Extra points. I need those to save my grade before the end of the term and my parents roast me for my low scores.”
“That,” Seungmin says slowly. “Is your fault for not studying.”
“Fuck you. I study. Some things are really just out of my reach of integrity and hard work. Thus I have to resort to this.”
“Are you referring to the begging or the cheating?” Seungmin offhandedly inquires, but he sighs a second later when Hyunjin grabs onto his arm in a last desperate attempt. “You’re lucky that extra points don’t actually mean that much.” Hyunjin slowly starts to smile, all too relieved as Seungmin takes out his filler with the answers laid out in print. “On one condition,” He suddenly adds, pausing mid-movement. Hyunjin groans loudly, loosening his hold on Seungmin.
“What now?”
“Go to the bookstore for me after school and buy me three sets of pencil lead, four notebooks, and Manila paper.”
It’s an odd request. Hyunjin’s brows furrow in puzzlement. “Why can’t you do it yourself?”
Seungmin shrugs. “The old woman there keeps on bugging me every time I go there to buy school supplies.”
“About what?”
“Stuff. It’s pretty annoying. I think she’s flirting with me, and she doesn’t listen to me when I say it doesn’t make me comfortable.”
“Still don’t get how I fit into all of this.”
“Just buy the supplies and be friendly with her so she can finally have someone else to think and dream about,” Seungmin explains. “You don’t even shop there anyway, so you never have to worry about seeing her again.”
Hyunjin blinks. “So you want me to be her target of perverted attraction.”
Seungmin hums in agreement. “She doesn’t actually do anything, but yeah, basically.”
“I didn’t think you’d stoop so low that you’d use your friend to save your ass,” Hyunjin tells him. “I actually thought you were gonna ask me to go with you there to pretend to be your boyfriend. Or something like that.”
Seungmin laughs. “Yeah, no. I’m not that desperate. I would’ve gone to Felix if I wanted that.”
“Rude,” Hyunjin says. Hearing Felix’s name for the first time in a while feels weird, because he’s never heard his friends talk about the boy before, and never so casually, but he brushes it off. They all have different friends of their own despite being one group. “But fine. I’ll do it.”
Seungmin visibly brightens up. “Really? Thanks,” he says, reaching to squeeze Hyunjin’s hand before he gives him the filler. Seungmin leaves right after, because the break's over and they need to get back to class. But Hyunjin doesn’t move yet, standing in the middle of the hallway for a good ten seconds with the notebook in hand, wondering about the unexpected affectionate gesture Seungmin had displayed, how he himself felt towards it, and if it’s all supposed to mean something.
“I still don’t get how someone as good-looking as Felix likes Changbin-hyung, of all people,” Hyunjin says.
“Me too,” Jisung agrees. “Maybe Felix owed him a favor.”
“Can you guys fuck off for once,” Changbin deadpans, the edges of the reviewer he’s holding creasing out of annoyance. “It’s not like I butt in any of your business.”
They’re loud and talkative for a group in the library meant to study in silence, but they’re stationed at the corner, second floor, and fortunately far away from the librarian’s ears, so they can cause a commotion as long as it isn’t too obvious. Hyunjin’s even pretty sure that people get away with getting wasted here, but then again, those are all rumors coming from Jeongin, and the kid’s a bit naïve when it comes to stuff like this.
“How did that confession go, by the way?” asks Woojin. Changbin glances at him, surprised. “Chan told me about it. He’s friends with the kid.”
“As successful as the rest of the confessions that happened yesterday went,” Jisung tells him. “Which is to say, a big undecided mess. He didn’t explicitly turn anyone down just as he didn’t accept anyone’s feelings.”
“That’s not a very Changbin thing to do,” Hyunjin points out, but it’s in a light tone.
“It’s love, my friend.” Jisung glances at Hyunjin, a mocking lovesick expression on his face. “What did you expect?”
“Stop answering for me, shithead.” Changbin scowls at Jisung before turning to Woojin. “It’s complicated.”
“Because you led them on?” supplies Jisung.
“I did not lead them on.” Changbin quickly glares at his best friend before softening his gaze into something more resigned and exasperated, a frequent expression one would have when being friends with Jisung. “I only said that I liked someone else.”
“You said you liked someone else,” Woojin repeats. “To every person that confessed to you.”
“Yeah,” Changbin says. “Why do you sound so shocked?”
“‘Cause you must really like that person you’re crushing on,” Woojin says. “To reject all those confessions and even tell them why.”
“He didn’t reject them,” Jisung interjects. “It’d be easier if he did. What he did was give himself more problems by making a stupid love triangle because he said he liked someone, but also made it seem like he wouldn’t do anything about his crush so other people could still make their move.”
“You make it sound so bad,” Changbin says. “Way worse than it really is.”
“Isn’t it already?”
“No.” Changbin rests his chin on his hand, looking tired, his reviewer lying on the table and forgotten in the midst of the argument and explanation. “I didn’t even tell you the whole story.” Jisung scoots his chair closer to Changbin’s at the words, but Changbin shoots him another glare to stop him. “I’m not telling you. You’re the most untrustworthy friend in history.”
“And you’re the biggest heartbreaker in history. Real assholes only,” Hyunjin says.
“Fuck you,” Changbin tells him, flipping him off.
Hyunjin ignores him and decides to tune them out for the rest of the conversation, unable to explain himself and not willing to. All he really knows is the feeling of discomfort he had the more Changbin talked about Felix, even if he wasn’t even doing it voluntarily. Hyunjin’s abrupt bursts of strong feelings have been unexplainable recently, and the sudden awareness he has towards any kind of actions or words that occur towards or around him only make things worse. It’s not that he feels on edge all the time, but he does feel like he’s gazing at it and feeling the fear of getting close to it. There, but not exactly. He feels off, and even though he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t know what to do to make it stop.
He takes out the letter slipped in between his notebook to keep himself busy, to stop himself from indulging in feeling strange, opening the paper and reading through the contents once more to himself as if he can discover something new if he scrutinizes the letter enough times. It’s then does he stray his focus from the contents to the writing in itself, and wonders why it tugs at his brain, causes his brain to nag at him by saying, you should know this. It’s familiar. He should recognize it. His brain tells him he should.
But nothing concrete comes to mind, and all Hyunjin can do is wonder.
Changbin’s by his locker when Hyunjin goes there to pack his stuff, leaning against them and glancing over at the other when he sees him arrive.
“Move, shortie,” Hyunjin says. Changbin rolls his eyes, but does as asked, leaning on the locker next to Hyunjin’s instead. “Are you headed home right after?”
“Well, yeah. What else would I do?” asks Changbin. “Are we going together?”
“Is that why you’re waiting for me?” Hyunjin asks, eyebrows raised, though his attention is still on his locker, getting what he needs and returning what he doesn’t. “Not because you actually care about me?”
“Why else would I?” Changbin says. “The rest are busy doing stuff.”
“So am I, my friend,” Hyunjin responds. Then he pauses, an idea coming to mind. “Wanna go with me to the bookstore?”
“Which one?”
“The one near Seungmin’s place.”
Changbin frowns. “Why?”
“I owe him a favor. You don’t have to come with, but it’d be cool to have some company. And someone to help me carry the load of shit Seungmin wants me to buy.”
Changbin narrows his eyes. “I don’t know. You sound like you’re going to do something really suspicious—”
“Just go with me already,” Hyunjin whines. “If you’re that worried that I’ll do something sketchy. Stop being so difficult.”
“Why should I?” Changbin demands. “Why should I care?”
“Because you like me,” Hyunjin replies simply. “Because we’re friends.”
Changbin’s lips part at that, looking momentarily caught off guard for some reason, but then his face turns into a scowl right after, in a motion so quick that Hyunjin thinks he might’ve imagined it. “Don’t push it,” he says, but it’s still a win for Hyunjin anyway.
“You'd be such a grumpy boyfriend," Hyunjin mutters in amusement, maybe with even a tinge of something much more gentle, and his eyes widen in surprise, realizing that he had said his thoughts aloud.
Thankfully, Changbin didn’t seem to have heard it. “What?”
“Nothing,” Hyunjin says instead. He tugs on the other’s hand, and Changbin lets Hyunjin lead him out of the building.
Hyunjin’s been in this particular bookstore around twice his whole life. Thrice, if you count this current one. It’s far from his area but near Seungmin’s, so that’s probably why Seungmin goes here despite the amount of other bookstores he can go to that don’t involve a slightly perverted old lady.
He hadn’t taken Seungmin that seriously when he said that the lady was old. Sure enough, when he enters, there’s no fifty to sixty year old woman sitting by the counter. Instead, it’s someone younger, a lady in her thirties. She turns the sound of the bell chiming as the door swings open, and her eyes widen when she sees Hyunjin and Changbin enter.
“Hello!” She greets, voice exceptionally cheery and sweet for someone her age. It’s intentional, not genuine in the slightest. “What can I do for you?”
Changbin raises an eyebrow at him in question, obviously noticing the tone as well, but all Hyunjin does is bend down a bit and tell him, “Go buy the supplies. I need to do something.”
Though Changbin scoffs, he heads to another direction and disappearing within the shelves. Hyunjin suppresses a sigh and walks to the lady, braving on a charming smile he knows that always works.
“Good afternoon, ma'am,” Hyunjin says, meeting her gaze. The fascination and interest is clear in her eyes and the way she leans forward, and Hyunjin would shiver in disgust if he didn’t expect it, wasn’t used to it by now. “Do you know where to get Manila paper? I need it for a school project.”
“Oh, that?” She pulls back to the counter, bending a bit to pull out the requested material. “Here you go.”
“Thank you,” Hyunjin says, taking out his wallet to pay.
“Have you ever been here? I haven’t seen you around before,” She says. She moves slowly, taking the money like it can crumble or disappear with a rough touch and rolling the Manila paper like it’s more delicate than it really is.
“I don’t actually go here,” Hyunjin answers. “I usually go someplace else. This just happened to be around the area I was in.”
“A shame,” She murmurs, eyes briefly flickering to him before going back to the paper. “You should come here more often. Next time, I can give you a discount.”
“That’s flattering, ma'am, but I’ve hardly done anything to deserve it.”
She smiles, clearly charmed by him and his modesty. “You came here. We don’t get that many customers as it is.” She slides him his Manila paper, tucked safely inside a bag, leaning forward once more, closer to where he stands. If she leans forward a bit more, or he moves a step closer, their faces would only be inches apart. “Isn’t that a reward enough?”
“Then maybe I should get one too,” Changbin suddenly says, appearing by Hyunjin’s side, giving her a wide, false smile. The act makes Hyunjin unconsciously step back, causing the woman to respond the same disappointedly. “I’m just as much as a customer as he is, aren’t I?”
She blinks, not having expected his presence nor response, and Changbin uses the moment to wrap an arm around Hyunjin, pulling him close, much to Hyunjin's surprise. He makes a show of it too, and from the way she narrows her eyes at the gesture and how he tightens his grip on him, Hyunjin can tell what Changbin’s trying to do, what he’s trying to imply through using his actions instead of his words. He suddenly feels flustered at the action, before he squashes the feeling down.
When he pays, they’re both silent and even a bit tense. Hyunjin would say it makes him uncomfortable, but it’s better than talking any more to that lady. It was draining, trying to keep a smile and not walk away, and he’s glad to be done with it already, especially as they leave the bookstore and Hyunjin’s forced to flash her one more smile and a false “I’ll try to stop by when I can."
“You sounded ridiculous,” Changbin mutters, as they walk out, already heading back home. “Has anyone ever told you how bad you are flirting and faking it?”
“You heard all that from wherever you were?”
“Hard not to, when it was so damn quiet inside there,” Changbin grumbles.
“You did too though. Sound ridiculous, I mean,” Hyunjin points out, snorting. “You’d make a terrible boyfriend. You grabbed my arm too hard.”
“Shut up and stop being dramatic,” Changbin says. “You’d be lucky to have me as your boyfriend. Pretty sure no one else would.”
“Ah, yes,” Hyunjin says with a sigh, sarcasm dripping, dramatically draping an arm on Changbin. “I'm so lucky. Truly." He blows air around the area near Changbin's ear teasingly, causing Changbin to shake his head and try to pull away, only for Hyunjin to tighten his hold on him. He's red all over, probably embarrassed, but Hyunjin just smiles, strangely endeared at the sight.
| FRIDAY
Compared to a lot of other students, high school isn’t that big of a stress and hate factor in Hyunjin’s life. He has a stable set of friends, good grades, popularity, and while he’s got expectations, he doesn’t have pressure. He’s luckier, fortunate to not despise or be affected by the brunt of balancing school life and personal life that weighs so heavily on others.
But there are times like this where he thinks he might just actually collapse from exhaustion and just the literal notion that he doesn’t want any of this suffering any longer. He kind of wants to die. Hopefully before he has his Statistics class and quiz. Fuck the fact that he stayed up until 4AM studying and now has bad dark circles and looks like absolute shit (a complete contrast to how he normally makes an effort to look in school because there are people around).
He gets to school ridiculously early, when not a lot of students are there yet, and briefly contemplates on studying some more when he gets to his classroom as he heads inside the school building. Sleeping is out of the question because he’s sure he’s going to forget every single thing he slaved over for, so his options are limited. But he also doesn’t want to study anymore. He thinks he’ll go insane if he has to look at his notes one last time.
He's walking down the hallway at a pace as slow as a snail with his eyes half-opened and conscious far, far away, when something rams into him with such force and strength that he can’t help but fall back and land on the floor. For a moment, he swears that he sees his life flash before his eyes, and that he’s ridiculously grateful for the opportunity, because he’s tired and is 99% ready for death. But the pain he suddenly feels on his ass snaps him fully awake, and he realizes that he’s still alive and mostly unlucky. The cause of his fall is a person, apparently, from the way there’s the sound of a hissing “Shit,” that doesn’t sound like Hyunjin’s, and how there’s a hand suddenly right at his face, offering to help him up.
Hyunjin blinks again, and looks up to blondish hair and a familiar, handsome face. “Sorry, Hyunjin-sshi. Didn’t see you there,” Lee Felix apologizes, voice deeper than Hyunjin expected it to be.
“It’s okay.” And Hyunjin feels hesitant to take Felix’s hand, for a reason he can’t really name, but he accepts Felix’s kind gesture. He’s easily hauled up with unexpected strength, and Hyunjin stands back up as Felix bends down to pick up his bag and give it back to him. “Were you in a rush for something?”
“Oh, no. I just like running around the campus to exercise. There are more obstacles and turns in here more than the track field also, so. I like the challenge.”
“Cool.” Hyunjin doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to say. He could say that he didn’t think Felix was the type to be physically active, but he doesn’t know jackshit about Felix besides the fact that they’re in the same year and that he likes Changbin. “Is that why you’re here so early in school?”
“I guess?” Felix scratches the back of his neck. “I live in the dorms though, so I’m technically always here.”
“Huh,” says Hyunjin, still at a loss. This is not how Hyunjin is normally. Then again, Normal Hyunjin doesn’t stay up late studying Statistics and goes to school earlier than the teachers do. “That must suck.”
Felix tilts his head in consideration. “Kinda, but you get used to it over time,” he says. “How about you though?”
Hyunjin hums. “What about me?”
“What brings you here so early?” asks Felix, unaffected by Hyunjin’s lack of ability to catch up. “I thought you were a fashionably late kind of person.”
Hyunjin can’t tell if Felix is saying that because he knows of Hyunjin’s reputation (one of many) of being late, but it doesn’t sound like he’s teasing him, just genuinely wondering. “Stayed up all night studying for a quiz and I couldn’t sleep anymore. I felt restless enough to go to school.”
“You do look worse for wear,” Felix comments, and Hyunjin resists the urge to ask how would you know? because he thinks that would sound rude and he doesn’t have any reason to be like that. “Is this the Statistics quiz?”
“Yup,” Hyunjin says. “It’s second period. I hope I somehow spontaneously combust before that time.”
Felix laughs, louder and brighter and amused at Hyunjin’s statement. It’s so genuine despite it being early morning. “Not likely, but you don’t have to worry. It’s actually easy.”
“Guess I’ll take your word for it,” says Hyunjin. “At least you give reassuring information for free. I have to practically beg and bribe Seungmin for anything.”
“Seungminie, huh,” Felix says. A pet name. Hyunjin didn’t expect that. “He’s a classmate of mine. He’s really nice to me.”
“The nice always comes for free; the help comes with a price.”
“I guess.” He looks amused by Hyunjin’s words. Hyunjin doesn’t even know why he’s talking so much to someone who was practically a stranger to him a week ago. Maybe it’s because he feels obligated to because they’re connected to similar people, but it also could be just because Hyunjin’s trying to procrastinate studying. “If that’s true, good thing I didn’t ask him for a tour when I first transferred.”
“So who did you ask?”
“Changbin-sshi.”
“Oh,” Hyunjin says, blinking. “That’s how you two met then.”
“Yeah.” Felix shifts, looking shy. “You’re his best friend, right?”
“That’s Jisung, but I come in a close second,” Hyunjin answers, trying not to sound too proud of this fact. “You confessed to Changbin-hyung, right? How did that go?”
“He didn’t tell you guys anything?”
Hyunjin shrugs. “Not much.” He told them an efficient amount of information that outsiders like him would need, but while Hyunjin initially didn’t like hearing about it, as he stands right in front of Felix now, he can let himself be curious. It all depends if Felix will let him, unless he turns out to be as uptight as Changbin.
Fortunately, Felix indulges him in it. “He told me he liked someone else, after I confessed to him.” That part Hyunjin already knows, but he nods anyway, beckoning Felix to continue. “But he said that he didn’t want to reject me just yet, because he likes me as a person. Just not as a crush.”
“Yet.”
“Yet,” Felix agrees.
But while Hyunjin believes that feelings may fluctuate or be misread, they don’t fade that easily. And from what Hyunjin knows of Changbin—he's not the type to fall often, so when he does, it's hard. Maybe when he loves, it's the kind of love that grows over time from frequent small moments and sparse grand things, and it's not capable of collpasing from a mere, unexpected confession.
Then again, Hyunjin isn’t Changbin. He wouldn’t really know. He’s not even sure of his own feelings. And it sucks, because Hyunjin isn't good with uncertainty.
“But it’s okay,” Felix continues. “That just means I have to try harder and be more than I already am.”
There’s a smile on his lips, eyes directed to the side, mind elsewhere, probably thinking of something Changbin-related, and Hyunjin realizes that he underestimated how handsome Felix is. It’s obvious even from afar, but up close, it’s amplified—his good looks. Hyunjin sees that Felix has freckles and that his lips are a bit chapped. They’re not necessarily, automatically good traits, but they’re traits that make him look real.
Changbin likes that. Hyunjin knows him. He likes authentic, appearance-wise and personality-wise. It’s not like Changbin’s picky much on the former portion, but it’s undoubtedly true that it’s still something ideal to him. And Felix is nice. He seems to be a hard worker too, someone who gives his all. Most importantly, he seems to be serious about Changbin, if he thinks he has to try harder, be more. Hyunjin feels like they’d be good together, objectively.
It doesn’t sit well with him. Hyunjin, honestly, subjectively, doesn’t like it.
But it’s not his place to tell Felix that. Or anyone, for that matter. Some feelings are meant for him and him alone. Even more so the feelings that don’t have any concrete reason behind them.
“Good luck with that then,” Hyunjin says, forcing a smile. Just then, his phone buzzes, much to his relief. “I have to go.” He takes out his phone. “Nice talking to you.”
“Same here, Hyunjin-sshi,” Felix says. Hyunjin doesn’t tell him that he can drop the honorifics, and Felix takes off before he can say anything further.
Hyunjin heads to his classroom and flicks the light switch on. The classroom’s clean and empty like it was the day before, and the clock above the board says that he still has around half an hour before other students would probably start coming in. He dumps his things by his desk and looks at his phone, wondering what notification saved him from talking to Felix further.
changbin: motivate me to go to school today. it’s friday and i have zero will
hyunjin: i’m already at school is that enough motivation for you
changbin: okay that is sufficient motivation
changbin: but i meant by bribing me with your homemade brownies
hyunjin: i (1) havent made them yet and (2) those are for me and me alone
changbin: js but yo'ud be a terrible boyfriend
hyunjin: i’d be the best stfu. you wish you were dating me
It’s supposed to be a casual message between friends, but it doesn’t look nor feel like that, not really. It looks almost wrong, when he reads the text again. Hyunjin feels like he shouldn’t be saying things like this. It makes him feel weird and queasy. It makes him wish, for a split second, that his words are actually true. And isn’t there something fucked up about that?
Changbin still responds.
changbin: you think too highly of yourself
Hyunjin doesn’t reply anymore, and Changbin doesn’t text any further than that. At that moment, Hyunjin decides with certainty that some feelings really are meant for him and him alone.
The break they get is a complete relief to Hyunjin, even if it’s really required and he has it every school day. Despite the test not being as hard as he thought, just like what Felix had said, it has him drained nonetheless, partly because he absorbed so much information the night before for one test, and because it was really, really long.
He’s supposed to go to Jisung’s classroom today, but right now, he doesn’t need his friends, just sleep.
The chatter of his classmates is loud and their non-stop shuffling and movement is even louder, but it doesn’t stop him from closing his eyes and resting his head on the desk. He can’t find himself to really sleep though, not with the headache he has from the overload of work he’s done before and during the exam, so he tries settling for clearing his mind, thinking of nothing. He’d rather die than go through another test like that.
The headache disappears eventually, probably in only a few minutes, if time actually does move at the same pace as Hyunjin’s mental clock does. He could sleep right at that moment and possibly never wake up because he feels like it’d feel so sweet and relieving that returning back awake couldn’t possibly be an option anymore.
He doesn’t though, because someone taps on his shoulder. Hyunjin lifts his head up slowly, annoyed that his rest is being interrupted, blinking blearily at the source, vision trying to adjust to the sudden burst of light that their classroom’s artificial lights and sunlight that enters the room emit. It’s Lee Minho, much to Hyunjin’s surprise, Vice President of the student council and an upperclassman. They aren’t friends and have never had an actual conversation before, but they’re both friends with Jisung.
“Hwang Hyunjin,” Minho begins, pushing his glasses up. “I need a favor.”
Hyunjin blinks. “Okay,” he says slowly. “Shoot.”
Minho promptly reveals an illustration board that he somehow managed to hide behind him despite its large size. There are writings from different people scrawled all over, with a large text in the center that says, “Happy Birthday Lee Namseok.”
“It’s for Mr. Lee’s birthday,” Minho explains, as if the illustration board didn’t say enough. “I’m trying to get as many people as possible to sign. Just to fill in the remaining space there is.”
“Okay,” Hyunjin says, accepting the marker Minho offers him, light green and thin. He doesn’t know why he was chosen out of all the other people Minho could have gone to, but he does it anyway. He quickly writes a simple greeting and adds some words of gratitude to Mr. Lee for teaching him all these years, not really thinking of how genuine and unique he’s going to write it and aiming for a more standard, generic message. He’s on decent terms with Mr. Lee, not really his favorite teacher out there, but not the absolute worst either.
Hyunjin wonders as he finishes the message as to whether he should leave out his name or not. Lifting the marker from his hand, he scans through all the other messages to see if they left their messages anonymous or credited it. He knows a few of the handwritings, like Changbin’s and Jeongin’s, and then there’s one that his eyes land on, particularly and especially familiar but not immediately recognizable. A beat later, and he realizes that it’s the same handwriting as the one from the love letter he got on Valentine’s.
“Whose is this?” asks Hyunjin, pointing towards the message.
Minho points to the bottom of the message, and Hyunjin’s eyes slowly widen as his eyes trail down to the direction the other points at. “Kim Seungmin. Your batch, I believe.”
“Huh,” Hyunjin says. He takes out the letter and hastily opens it, lying it right besides Seungmin’s message and comparing the two, noting with shock that they’re exactly the same in terms of writing style.
It’s Seungmin. Kim Seungmin. Hyunjin’s friend. He doesn’t want to believe it, because the idea seems fucking ridiculous and impossible because they’re friends and where have the hints been all this time, but it isn’t. Not really, when Hyunjin looks back and sees the hints and bits of sudden and unexpected gestures and requests. Hyunjin doesn’t even talk much to Seungmin, not as much as compared to Changbin and Jisung, even if they’re in the same circle of friends, so it’d be easier to hide the crush. Hyunjin actually wouldn’t be able to tell, even if he prides himself in being perceptive.
But there’s the letter. The real proof. It’s Seungmin’s handwriting, 100%.
Hyunjin lets out a loud sigh and thinks, fucking shit. What the fuck. Fuck my life.
“Are you okay?” asks Minho, head tilted in concern.
Hyunjin looks at Minho, trying to remain straight-faced and hoping he doesn’t slip up. “Yeah,” he says. He immediately folds the letter and tucks it in, as if afraid that Minho will see the contents and realize what’s going on. “I’m totally fine.”
| SATURDAY
His ideal weekend is to sleep and make up for all his lost hours of rest due to the amount of schoolwork, and wake up just in time for him to do homework, spend some time with his parents like a dutiful son, and then fuck around playing video games until it’s past midnight. Unfortunately, not even the first part of his ideal scenario even comes true, because his mother wakes him up at around late afternoon to go out and buy dinner for himself and Kami because they want to go on a date together because it's Valentine's.
The sun is orange and on its slow way to descent when he leaves his house, still in his school pants from yesterday and wearing a white jacket to cover up the gray shirt with blue stains randomly plastered all around it, a result of a bad washing decision. It’s Saturday, and he doesn’t care enough to look like the more than functional human being he pretends to be. The convenience store is near his area anyway, so the likelihood that he’ll run into anyone worth looking decent for at this place and at this time is small.
He roams around the convenience store for ten minutes longer than necessary, going through every item in the store and wondering what he would really like to eat now that he’s temporarily free from all his parents’ food restrictions for the first time in months. He eventually settles for instant cup noodles, which he buys along with chips and dog food for Kami. He has the noodles already heated and made inside, and heads out of the store still eating, because he likes to multitask.
“Hyunjin?” Someone says. Hyunjin freezes in his steps before turning around, eyes wide in surprise, to see Changbin standing by the convenience store’s bike stand, trying to fix its position.
“Changbin-hyung,” Hyunjin replies, starting to walk towards him. “What are you doing here?”
“Wanted to buy some snacks. We don’t have anything back at home,” Changbin says, leaving his bike to meet Hyunjin halfway. “You?”
Hyunjin lifts the noodle cup a bit in gesture. “Dinner,” He answers. Changbin’s stomach rumbles loudly, just then. Changbin flushes, but Hyunjin merely smiles. “I have some junk food in here, if you want. Do you need to go home soon?”
“Where were you?” asks Changbin. They’re both seated on the sidewalk, right in front of the convenience store. Hyunjin’s still eating his noodles and Changbin’s eating his chips. Hyunjin will nag about Changbin paying him back for that some other time, or maybe just take his wallet because Changbin's always careless about it. “We didn’t see you at all yesterday, and you didn’t show up at Jeongin’s place either today like we were supposed to. Did you forget?”
Hyunjin likes to think that he’s decent enough at running away from his problems. “Yeah. I slept the whole day, man.” Half-lying, not so much. He would tell himself that he would have shown up if Seungmin wouldn’t have been there as well, because there’s no way he can just act like nothing’s going on between them when Hyunjin now knows and he can’t not know. But while running into Changbin was something he didn’t call for, he doesn’t feel like retreating.
“Tired from the week?”
Hyunjin gets the remaining noodles with his chopsticks and eats them. “There was more stuff going on than I realized that I could handle.”
“Yeah?” Changbin says. “Like that love letter of yours?”
He almost chokes at how quick Changbin hits the mark. It takes Hyunjin a second to respond, a moment of hesitation. “Yeah,” he agrees, trying to sound nonchalant. “Like that love letter of mine.”
“Got complicated?”
Hyunjin smiles, recognizing what Changbin’s referencing to. “I don’t think anyone’s as bad as you, hyung.” Changbin rolls his eyes. “But to an extent, I guess. It’s my feelings that are what’s complicated though.” He doesn't mean to talk about it, but with Changbin, the words come spilling out. He supposes it's because out of all of them, Changbin is trustworthy. Changbin never needs to pry any answers out of Hyunjin when Hyunjin will always freely give it to him.
“Well, that’s what feelings are, aren’t they?” says Changbin, taking out a water bottle and uncapping it. “But it’ll clear up at some point. You’ll have that one moment where everything will make sense. Don’t worry.”
“You’re awfully nice today,” Hyunjin can’t help but point out. “Did something bad happen while I was gone, or did you miss me that much that you decided to be a gentleman today?”
“I hate you,” Changbin replies. “Can’t I be a good guy and give useful advice every once in a while?”
“It’s not like you to say it in person,” reasons Hyunjin. Without asking for permission, he grabs Changbin’s water bottle just as Changbin takes Hyunjin’s noodle cup to finish the rest of the soup, because he knows Hyunjin never bothers to finish it. “I guess it’s different now though. Maybe because you’re speaking from experience?” Hyunjin inquires teasingly.
Changbin rolls his eyes, bringing the rim of the cup closer to his face. “Sure. Whatever,” He says, lifting it to drink.
Then—a few thoughts Hyunjin never explicitly thought of before enter his mind as he’s staring at Changbin:
- His hair isn’t as bad as Hyunjin thought it was for the past few weeks, growing a bit longer to slightly cover the badly shaven undercut he had tried to get in an effort to look cool (and failing, because Jisung and Hyunjin never fail to point out how ugly it looks).
- He’s still wearing his piercings. Piercings that Hyunjin recognizes were from his 16th birthday, a gift Hyunjin had saved up a lot of money to buy because they were expensive, but still bought because Changbin's idols bought them. Changbin’s probably always worn them, but Hyunjin’s only realizing and noticing them now, when it’s calm and tranquil and he actually gets to really see Changbin.
- He’s in black skinny jeans, which isn’t anything new, but he’s also wearing a gray sweater, one that swallows him up and makes him look softer than he appears to be.
- He’s not exceptionally handsome. Hyunjin has always known Changbin was ordinary in terms of looks, even if he did have some personal charms of his own. But he looks good. He looks calm; he looks comforting. It’s a kind of beauty of its own, rooted in familiarity, one Hyunjin truly cherishes.
- Most importantly though, Changbin looks like a normal boy, drinking his friend’s leftovers after giving advice that said friend should take to heart because Changbin knows what he’s going through. This is what friends do. There’s something wrong with Hyunjin if he feels weird about that.
- He also looks ridiculous consuming all of the soup, making loud slurping noises and clearly trying to take in so much in one go. Hyunjin wants to hit him for looking stupid.
- At the same time—Hyunjin thinks he can look at him forever and never get tired of doing it. The same way he never tires of Changbin’s sudden texts and sudden lack of replies, of Changbin’s excessive black clothing and bad decision-making, of his mismatched socks and ugly handwriting. Of his words, of his smile. Of who he is as a person.
And at that moment, Changbin’s words ring true. The confusion clears, and things start to form into something sensible, something Hyunjin understands. This is that one moment. It’s nothing particularly grand, and he can’t pinpoint exact special features that everyone isn’t aware of yet. But still. This, right now, means so much to him. The normalcy of it all, the simplicity of something so big to him, the things he’s always known but seeing in a different light. He supposes this is what high school romance really is. To him, at least.
This is where Hwang Hyunjin realizes that he’s been in love with Seo Changbin this whole time.
| SUNDAY
It’d be great if finding and understanding your feelings would be the hardest part about it, because he’s already over that stage. But it isn’t. Finding and knowing about your feelings is one thing; doing something about it is another matter entirely.
Homework and free time be damned, Hyunjin spends most of the weekend trying to figure out what to do. Knowing that he likes Changbin doesn’t change the fact that Seungmin likes him, only makes things into this awkward love triangle. Not to mention that Changbin has a crush of his own too, and his own love triangle to deal with. The only thing Hyunjin really accomplished so far in this entire ordeal was realizing that he didn’t have feelings for Seungmin in the slightest, and it solves nothing. Absolutely nothing.
“Fuck me.” Hyunjin says to himself. “Fuck this.”
He’d been restless ever since he got back home from meeting with Changbin at the store, and needed an outlet for his feelings that involved expressing them but not outright revealing them. He ended up settling with writing, because that was something that a lot of people did to cope, so it should have been helpful to some extent. Writing letters, specifically, because that was the only thing that he felt like could be executed with real sincerity.
He writes with the idea that he’s actually going to give it, as if someone other than him will see it, constantly making new drafts and throwing them away when he rereads them and finds himself dissatisfied with his delivery. It’d be easier if he did this through text, especially since he texts Changbin a lot, but he doesn’t want Changbin to know. At least, he thinks he doesn’t. And even if he did, he doesn’t want it through message. It’s too emotionless, too distant.
This is stupid. He thinks to himself. He still doesn’t know what he’s going to do about his feelings and his situation. He doesn’t even know if he’s going to confess them to Changbin or not. He continues to write anyway.
Some of his drafts vary in length, depending how he wants to rearrange his thoughts and which should be kept in his head and be shared to the pen and paper. Sometimes he tries to explain what made him realize he liked Changbin, a fond memory of him or of them that Hyunjin won’t forget, or why he thinks he’s stupid but also endearing at the same time. The amount of papers in the trash bin slowly piles up, and Hyunjin mentally reminds himself to clear out the waste before anyone decides they want to snoop through his things.
The discontent just grows and grows and so does his frustration as he writes. It’s clear that he isn’t as good at the craft or putting his thoughts together as Seungmin was. The longer the content is, the more he feels like he's word vomiting, but he doesn’t know how to make it shorter, doesn’t know if it’ll mean the same.
Hyunjin decides to stop when his hand starts cramping, needing a break. He still feels restless, but he also knows he can’t write anymore, not now anyway. He pushes his chair away from his desk, trying to give himself space. His eyes begin to travel to his room, trying to find something to distract and ground himself on, from his bed to his bookshelves to his closet. His eyes finally land on the wall filled with a bunch of post-its, stuff that he’d written down to motivate himself and things his friends have written to motivate him. Back then, years ago, Hyunjin had problems he didn’t like talking about, and they wanted to show their support. The idea of making post-it messages came from Seungmin, though it was Changbin who ended up writing the most for him.
He looks to one of the first ones Changbin’s ever written, placed on a pink post-it because it was Valentine’s Day that time and there were no other post-its at the time that could be used. Even though it was years ago, Changbin’s shitty handwriting hadn’t changed. It’s impossible to read it clearly from the distance Hyunjin’s at and from Changbin’s quality handwriting, but Hyunjin’s memory helps, and so does the familiarity he has over the characters, the post-it’s text saying, Sometimes the biggest things are actually the smallest.
“I hate you and your fake deep ass,” Hyunjin tells the post-it. “I can’t believe I like you.”
He recalls that it had been written in the context that all his worries that seemed so big at the time wouldn’t mean shit in the long run. He knows that now, knows better, but he takes the message to a different perspective, thinks of his words and the impact they make, and turns back to the piece of paper, an idea in mind. He picks up the pen, hand no longer aching much, and writes down a few words.
Seo Changbin, I like you.
It’s simple, not deep. But it’s more straightforward, it makes more sense. It makes things more real.
“Seo Changbin, I like you,” Hyunjin says, reading the words aloud. He blushes, but he doesn’t regret it. “Seo Changbin, I like you,” He repeats. “I like you, you fucker. I hope you know it.”
Then it hits him, what he’s supposed to do—going to do—next.
| MONDAY
It doesn’t mean that Hyunjin isn’t nervous though. He’s in school early, and has to go to the roof deck soon. He had initially planned on going up there earlier than supposed to and wait for his secret admirer there, but that was before he found out it was Seungmin, and suddenly he wanted to prolong the “surprise”, maybe even hope it would never happen.
His view doesn’t change even now, but this time, he has something to do, something he needs to tell Seungmin.
There’s a part in Hyunjin’s mind that reminds him that this might ruin his friendship with Seungmin and even Changbin, but it’s not like he doesn't know this. It was a factor that played a part in his fear and panic when he first found out, and his agitated emotions throughout the weekend, but he needs to do this. He’s not someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, but he does pour it out when he needs to, when it happens. He doesn’t like hiding his feelings—the ones that matter most—and because he doesn’t like doing it, he shouldn't run away from the feelings of others either, even if he wants to. That’s the kind of person he’s become.
And this is high school. This is bound to happen. He’s just one of the unlucky bastards that it had to happen to.
His watch says that it’s about four minutes before the said time he and Seungmin are supposed to meet up. Hyunjin takes a deep breath before leaving his classroom and walking up the stairs, clutching the blue letter tucked in his pocket for comfort.
Hyunjin hesitates right when his hand’s already on the door to the roof deck, suddenly more nervous than he’s ever been. He suddenly doesn’t know if he really wants to do this. But then the letter becomes a weight heavier than it really is in his mind, and he knows that the pressure will be lifted if he does this. He has to tell Seungmin. It’s not fair to him if he doesn’t.
There’s a figure standing at the center of the roof deck, a bit far from the door when Hyunjin slowly pushes the entrance open. His back is turned to him, and Hyunjin steps forward. The movements seem to catch the ears of the other, despite the distance, because the figure’s head twitches to the side a bit just as Hyunjin starts to walk to him. But it’s not Seungmin. It’s not Kim Seungmin. It’s—
“Changbin-hyung?” Hyunjin calls out, surprised and in disbelief. “The fuck are you doing here?” He continues moving forward. His phone buzzes in his pocket, reminding him that it’s time even though he’s already here. “I’m supposed to meet Seungmin.”
They stand right in front of each other. Hyunjin doesn’t need to yell any longer. Changbin looks to the side. “He’s not coming.”
“What? He said he would. He wrote the letter. He was going to confess to me. Right here, right now.”
“He wrote the letter,” Changbin says. “But he isn’t the one going to confess.” He looks at Hyunjin, finally. There’s this look in his eyes, cautious but certain. A very Changbin-like expression. “I am.”
The wind blows loudly, just then. It’s stupidly dramatic. Hyunjin briefly thinks of Jisung’s comments about anime, and it leads him to think of dramas, how perfectly timed they are for climactic situations, moments just like these. But anime and dramas are fictional, and this isn’t. This is real life, and it’s unfolding before Hyunjin’s very eyes.
There is no black screen. There is only his own bare vision, unfiltered and imperfect but so real.
“You’re shitting me,” Hyunjin says, just as the wind dies down. It’s awfully quiet.
“I’m not,” Changbin replies, too easily. Fuck him, Hyunjin thinks. For making it sound so easy. “He wrote the letter, but it’s my words. It’s my confession. You know I have shitty handwriting. I didn’t want to make you go through the pain of reading through a long letter like that.” He smiles a bit, crooked and hesitant.
It takes Hyunjin a few seconds before he can respond. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I like you,” Changbin answers plainly. “I’m saying that I didn’t want you to find out through a letter, and that I wanted it to be this way.”
“So that’s the real reason why you didn’t write it yourself.”
Changbin shrugs. “I’m not expecting an answer or anything. Not anytime soon, because I think this... whole thing caught you off guard.” He shoves his hands in his pockets, a nervous gesture Hyunjin notices. It calms his racing heart a bit, knowing that despite his even tone, Changbin isn’t as put together as he looks, as he wants Hyunjin to think. “I just wanted you to know.”
Hyunjin can’t help but laugh out loud at that. “Liar,” he tells him. Changbin frowns. It makes Hyunjin laugh again. “You’re a terrible liar.”
“Screw off,” Changbin mutters, ears turning red; not from the cold.
“Do you really want me to leave?” asks Hyunjin. “Or do you want an answer?”
Changbin’s eyes widen as Hyunjin takes out the blue letter before taking out a white one, handing it over to him without hesitation.
“There’s my answer,” Hyunjin says softly, as Changbin takes the letter.
At that moment, the bell rings, signaling that the first class is about to start. Neither of them move though. Changbin reads the letter, the few, simple words, over and over again, eyes darting back and forth, and the paper crinkles under his hold. He’s always been careless with things without meaning to. Hyunjin can’t believe he likes him, can’t believe he’s entrusting his feelings and his heart to this one person.
“I like you, Seo Changbin,” Hyunjin blurts out, even if Changbin already knows it.
Changbin looks up from the paper, a small smile gracing his lips. A shy smile. Hyunjin has never seen him with that expression before. “I like you too, Hwang Hyunjin.” He sets the paper down and takes a step closer to him. Hyunjin does the same, and Changbin reaches his hand out, the one not clutching onto the paper. Hyunjin takes it, thinks of the blue letter. And so does Changbin, if his words are any indication of it. “That is for certain.”