Work Text:
They wouldn't say they'd made a plan so much as they all thought it would be a great idea to sneak up on Bruce and kiss him when he was least expecting it. Of course, it was a lot harder to sneak up on Batdad than a regular dad, but that's where their not-a-plan plan came in.
Cass, obviously, was chosen to go first. A quick peck on the cheek during morning stretches was received with a smile and a kiss on the forehead. The first kiss achieved and recorded-- sometimes it paid to have a frighteningly thorough security system-- it was time to move on to phase two.
This was the deciding kiss. If it was too close to the time of the first kiss, Bruce would immediately get suspicious and thus be on higher alert. If it was too late, it might push back the upcoming kisses, making them harder to pull off. If Bruce reacted well, they were good to go; if he showed annoyance, it was every man for himself.
A Wayne Enterprises meeting was just letting out when Tim made his move. Catching the eye of Bruce's secretary-- who conveniently had her phone out and pointed at them-- Tim stood up before Bruce had a chance to move and kissed him on the temple. Bruce looked up suspiciously, seemingly unaware of his secretary watching them.
Tim shrugged. "We did a good job. I thought it all went well."
Bruce watched him a moment longer before nodding and giving Tim a small, but proud smile. "It did. You're doing an excellent job."
When Bruce turned away to finish gathering his papers, Tim gave the camera a quick thumbs up. Kiss two, accomplished.
Dick was in charge of the third kiss and it came while everyone was preparing for patrol. Bruce was looking up recent reports of any Arkhamite activity and discussing with Dick what areas they should cover. Dick leaned on the back of the chair, paying attention, but always keeping one eye out for the camera. When Cass gave the signal, Dick leaned over and kissed Bruce on the head.
"I think that's a great pattern. I'll take Robin on the first wave and you can take him when we cross back," Dick said, patting the side of the chair. "OK, team! Let's head out!"
If anything piqued Bruce's suspicion, it was Dick's abrupt change in subject and avoidance of the small kiss. He watched his children load up on their bikes and speed off into the night and made a mental note to himself to find out what was going on. He was beginning to feel like there was some joke he was unaware of, and he hated not being aware of something.
His solo patrol was going well and by midnight he had already stopped six robberies and two street fights. As the blocks passed and there were fewer and fewer crimes about, Bruce started to feel uneasy. He was very conscious of the fact that he was now in Red Hood's territory, and although it had been several months since he and Jason had come face to face, the prolonged quiet was unnerving.
A shadow was following him, had been for at least a block and a half. Jason wasn't keeping himself hidden, and Bruce wasn't sure whether he was grateful for that, or if he should admonish him for not sticking to his training. A part of him hurt a little at that thought, the part of him that still remembered the way his young Robin's eyes would flash in determination when he'd done something wrong, swearing he would do better. Maybe it was the kisses earlier in the day, but a strong feeling of sentimentality washed over him, making him stop on a rooftop.
A second later, he whipped around, striking out at the figure that had come up behind him. It was Jason, without his hood, just a red domino mask. Jason ducked down, rolling away as Bruce followed him. He didn't see a weapon in Jason's hands, but that didn't mean he didn't have one ready. A punch, a dodge, and Jason still wasn't really striking to kill, or even to do great harm. He kept alternating between leg sweeps to knock Bruce down or straight punches to stagger him. Jason switched up his attack and tackled Bruce, bringing them both to the ground.
Something flashed in Jason's hand, and Bruce braced himself for an attack, one leg moving to throw Jason off of him as soon as he struck. Suddenly, Jason lurched forward and planted a kiss on the side of his jaw. He rolled off Bruce and shouted, "I did it! Told you!" into his... phone.
It was just a phone.
Stunned and confused, Bruce just watched in silence as his estranged son ran off into the night.
When he met up with Nightwing and Robin an hour later, he had no more idea about what was going on than all of his children were giving him kisses, and that meant that Damian was the last one. On a quiet rooftop overlooking the Gotham Theater District, Bruce finally asked.
"What are all the kisses about, Robin?"
Damian glanced at him a bit warily, but just shrugged. "It's a silly thing Nightwing thought up. He said we should all kiss you when you were least expecting it and get ourselves filmed doing it."
"You haven't, yet."
"That's because it's childish and I'm not taking part in it," Damian said, raising his chin haughtily. "This is why I'm the sensible Robin."
The corner of Bruce's mouth twitched up in a smirk. "Yes, you are." He turned his head away and stared off into the middle distance, pretending not to notice Damian slowly moving up beside him to kiss his cheek.
He turned back as soon as Damian moved away and focused on his phone again. "I thought you said you weren't taking part in it."
Damian couldn't help a small smile, but disguised it in a look of triumph. "You underestimated me. You need to be more aware of who you're dealing with, Father."
"Is that so," Bruce said, an eyebrow raising. "Is that what the purpose of this kissing thing is?"
Damian nodded solemnly. "Yes, I think so. Nightwing said that fathers often become unaware of their surroundings when their children are about, so this would remind you to stay aware." He looked up at him. "I do not want you to get hurt because your attention was elsewhere, Father."
Bruce nodded. "Thank you, Robin. I'll make sure to pay more attention to what's happening."
Satisfied with this, Damian turned back to the street to resume watch.
When they returned home a little after dawn, Bruce found a message with an attached video from Barbara waiting for him on the computer.
Your little batty birds wanted you to see this. Makes me wish I could've seen them live.
The video started on a blank screen with just the words, "Kissing Dad". When the words faded, each random kiss from the day played, including Jason's. Bruce smiled and saved the file, pulling it over to a flash drive he could take up into the house.
"Long night, sir?"
Bruce turned around to find Alfred standing at the bottom of the stairs. "Long, but not bad," he replied, changing out of his costume. "It was an... interesting day."
"We'll count that as a 'win', then."
Bruce looked up, catching the shadow of his eldest up the stairs, with what looked suspiciously like a camera. "I'd say we should."
As he passed by Alfred to climb the stairs, he pressed a small kiss to his forehead, then hurried up to the Manor after Dick. Even if he didn't fully know what this kissing thing was about, he had to admit that there were worse things they all could've ganged up on him to do.