Chapter Text
Seungmin carries the last box containing his belongings into their new house, swinging his foot to close the door behind him shut. The house is still messy, boxes of stuff still unpacked, although at least the furniture have all been cleaned and set up. Seungmin sighs and heads to his room upstairs, stomping his feet on the wooden staircase and using that very excuse to pretend he doesn’t hear his mom calling for him from the kitchen. It’s been a long morning, and even though Seungmin loves his mom dearly, he wants nothing more than to be alone right now.
Seungmin closes the door of his room and slides the box onto his study table before grabbing his acoustic guitar and taking a seat at the edge of his bed. He crosses his legs on the mattress, fingers absentmindedly strumming the strings of his guitar as he stares at the view overlooking the neighbourhood from the sliding doors leading to the balcony. It’s a peaceful and pretty residential area, no tall apartment buildings blocking the view, and especially the sun when it sets later in the day, so it’s a nice change for once. Seungmin thinks he can try to love that at least, even though he still hates the idea of moving to a new house to start over new, to meet new people and getting used to the new place. He doesn’t know if things will ever be okay again, if he will ever fit in, but then again Seungmin knows he’s always been a misfit everywhere he goes, so it shouldn’t matter anyway.
There’s a knock on the door, and then another before it opens, creaking slightly. “Hey.”
Seungmin stops strumming his guitar and looks back at the door to see Wonpil poking his head into the room. He can’t stop the small smile from making its way onto his face at the sight of his older brother. “Hey.”
Wonpil grins. “You wanna have lunch together with us? Then help me out with cleaning my room after.”
“Ugh,” Seungmin scrunches his nose playfully. “I need to clean my room, too, you know.”
“Okay you can do that after we clean mine.”
“Why can’t we clean mine first?”
“Because I asked you first! Now come down and eat before I finish all the foods!”
Seungmin laughs in disbelief, but it’s also laced with fondness for his older brother. He can never say no to Wonpil, nor can he ever get mad at him. Ahh, Seungmin remembers another best part of this now. Moving here means they’re living closer to the hospital where Wonpil’s doing his residency program at, which also means Wonpil is going to be staying in the same house with them again. It’s a comforting thought to Seungmin knowing he’ll be seeing his brother more often. Well, at least more than the past two years.
Seungmin doesn’t ask for anything from anyone but with his brother, he’s a little bit braver because he knows Wonpil will never say no to him too, so he asks “Can we have ice cream for desserts?”
Wonpil’s smile softens at that. “Of course.” Seungmin smiles back, sets the guitar down on his bed and goes downstairs with Wonpil to have their lunch.
Even though Seungmin feels tired from unpacking and organizing things earlier that day, sleep refuses to come to him at night. He feels exhausted not just physically but mentally as well from these questions and thoughts that he doesn’t know how to shut off. The comfort of the mattress and blanket is familiar, as well as the silence and yet something about it isn’t. Maybe it’s the shape of the room, the way the moonlight illuminates certain areas and casting unfamiliar shadows on the floor and on the walls. Whatever it is, it’s causing discomfort to Seungmin that it makes it harder for him to fall asleep.
He stares at the digital clock on his nightstand, watches the minute ticks by painfully slow. He finally gets up from the bed when it’s a quarter past 3 in the morning and makes his way to Wonpil’s room right across of his.
Wonpil’s room is dark and quiet, the sound of his steady breathing can barely be heard even when Seungmin’s standing close to his bed like this. Seungmin pulls the blanket up and makes himself comfortable on the bed, hugging Wonpil and nuzzling his face on his brother’s chest. Wonpil moves slightly, humming in confusion but the rub of his hand on Seungmin’s back is warm and welcoming.
“Can’t sleep?” Wonpil asks, voice raspy from slumber. “Sleep, sleep,” he mumbles when Seungmin only nods his head, the rubs on Seungmin’s back turns to pats as if it’ll help to put Seungmin to sleep quicker. Silence takes over again few minutes later, Wonpil already falling back to sleep. Seungmin listens to Wonpil’s breathing, trying to focus on the rise and fall of his chest instead of fighting with the voice inside his head. Then, without intending to, Seungmin asks with a small voice “Hyung, did dad leave us because of me?”
Seungmin only notices Wonpil has not fallen asleep when his older brother shifts his body a little so he can look at him. “What?”
“Did dad leave us because of me?” Seungmin repeats himself anyway. “Because I’m not good enough for him?”
“Seungmin, what— of course not,” Wonpil frowns, seemingly more awake now than he was few minutes ago. “Don’t say that.”
“But he said I’m an embarrassment to the family, a disgra—.”
“Seungmin, look at me,” Wonpil says in a stern voice, hand cupping Seungmin’s cheek. Seungmin blinks the tears that he didn’t even know were there in the first place and looks at Wonpil. “You’re not all those things he called you. You are better than what he said. You are precious and amazing to me, to mom. He didn’t leave us because of you. We left him because our happiness is not with him. We’re better off without him, do you understand me?”
Seungmin frowns because he doesn’t. He doesn’t understand a lot of things; of how things change, of why people change, of what happened to their dad. Sure, their dad is a scary man, but— but he wasn’t always like that. Seungmin still holds the memories of his childhood with his dad dear to his heart, how their dad was a great man, how his smile would light up Seungmin’s world, how he would take Seungmin and Wonpil out to play baseball, how he’d always praise Seungmin over every little good things he did. Their dad was always a kind man, until one day, he wasn’t anymore.
“Hyung, maybe if I were a little bit clever like you, he would’ve liked me more. If I could be a doctor like him and mom and you, maybe he would be proud of me and wouldn’t leave us.”
“Seungmin,” Wonpil whimpers. Seungmin allow his brother to hug him tight against his chest. “Please. It’s not your fault.”
“Then whose is it?” Seungmin asks again. There has to be a reason, isn’t it? Why things changed, why people changed, why their dad left the family. It’s you, the voice says. It’s always been you. Wonpil is saying something else but Seungmin can’t hear with the sobs escaping his mouth, the warm tears rolling down his cheeks and the voice laughing at him.
“I’m sorry,” Seungmin says.
“It’s not your fault,” Wonpil reminds him again.
But it is, the voice interrupts. The voice always win.
Seungmin drums his fingers on the desk as he stares at the page of the online form, fingers making tap, tap, tap sound against the surface. The rhythm is as inconsistent as the thoughts running in his head, going a mile a minute and then slowing down as he looks through the classes offered in the college he was accepted in. He sighs heavily, finger hesitantly circling on a major he’s interested in but knows won’t make anyone happy. In the end, he closes his laptop and pushes the chair to stand up and leave his room. Maybe he’ll look and think it over again tomorrow, even though that’s exactly what he said yesterday, and the week before.
“Tomorrow. Definitely,” Seungmin nods to himself. Right now, he figures he could take a walk around the neighborhood to breathe in fresh air and clear his (always messy) mind, even if just for a bit.
The murmur of voices leads him to his mom’s room downstairs, where Seungmin finds her asleep with the television still on. Seungmin grabs the remote control and turns the television off. He fixes the blanket on her and lets out the softest smile when he presses a kiss on her forehead. He turns the lights off and closes the door before grabbing his jacket on the coat rack, slips his shoes on and walks out that door.
It’s even quieter at night in the neighborhood than in the day, the sound of a dog barking from somewhere far can be heard echoing in the air. Seungmin doesn't know where he's headed to, no idea where his feet are going to lead him, but it doesn't matter. He doesn't have any destination in mind, not in the new place anyway, so he’ll just keep on walking until he arrives somewhere. Maybe he’s going in circles and will end up at their home again somehow.
Except he doesn't.
It feels like he's been walking for hours and his legs have started to feel tired and yet there's still no sight of their home anywhere. The houses around him, the streets and even the road signs are all unfamiliar, and Seungmin suddenly feels worried because he thinks he might be lost. The panic bubbles up more when he realizes he didn't bring his phone with him, didn't even leave any notes before he left the house, so now he’s lost and he’s missing from home. That can't be good. Seungmin thinks about how worried his mom and brother will be to find out he’s not at home, and then the thoughts escalated quickly to him not being able to see them again. He knows deep in his heart it’s just a useless thought, knows that he can go home again safe and sound if he would just calm down and look around again. But his thoughts have a mind, a life of their own and Seungmin just can't stop them from manifesting negatively.
Seungmin falters and feels his back colliding with the brick fence behind him, sliding down so he can hug his knees to his chest, where a dull pain’s starting to form. He feels the blood draining from his face, hears the ringing in his ears, feels the trembles move from his hands to the rest of his body, hot tears trickling down his cheeks.
He shouldn't have went out like this, he thinks to himself. Why do you always cause so much troubles? Why do you make people worry about you? Why are you so useless? Seungmin, why? Why? Why?
“Stop it,” he says, shutting his eyes closed and pressing his hands to his ears to block the sound off. It’s a useless attempt because the voice comes from inside his head and not from somewhere outside.
“Shit.”
Now that’s a voice Seungmin’s never heard of before and it’s definitely not from inside his head, but he's too distracted to make sure of it. “Are you o-okay?” the voice asks again. There’s a vague sound of a plastic bag falling onto the ground with a thud, urgent footsteps heading towards his way makes the alarm goes off in Seungmin’s head.
“I’m sorry!” he shouts, effectively stopping whoever it is on their tracks. “I’m sorry. Please don't hurt me,” Seungmin cries and curls into himself more. God, he really is stupid and useless and a disgrace. He shouldn't have went out like this if he would just get lost and cause trouble to his family, to everyone. Maybe he should-
“Hey, it’s okay,” the voice says. “You’re okay. I’m not gonna hurt you,” he continues, voice soft and soothing. Seungmin lets out a hiccup and braves himself to look up at the person. Of course, with tears in his eyes and the dim streetlights, Seungmin can’t see clearly. The stranger keeps his distance from Seungmin, and Seungmin finds comfort in it. “My name is Hyunjin. Hwang Hyunjin. What's yours?”
Hyunjin, Seungmin mutters after the said guy. That’s a pretty name, he muses to himself. He wipes the tears on his face with the sleeve of his jacket, takes a deep breath in and lets it out. From there, Seungmin focuses on trying to steady his breathing instead of answering Hyunjin’s question.
“You’re not hurt, are you?” Hyunjin tries again. This time, Seungmin makes an effort to shake his head. “That’s good. That’s really good,” Seungmin can hear the relief in his voice. “Can I come closer? Is that okay?”
Seungmin doesn't answer again, but doesn't make an indication that he's rejecting Hyunjin’s request either. When Seungmin sees Hyunjin slowly moving closer through his peripheral view and doesn't feel as scared about it like he thought he would, Seungmin decides that he’s okay with it after all.
“Are you new around here?” Hyunjin asks. Seungmin sniffles and nods his head curtly. “Are you lost?”
Seungmin whimpers in embarrassment, not sure if it’s because a stranger found him in this state, or at the fact that even at this age, Seungmin manages to lose his way home or if it’s because this Hyunjin guy is talking to Seungmin like Seungmin is a kid that needs to be treated carefully and with patience, light aegyo laced in his voice. It’s probably all of the above, quite honestly. Seungmin takes another deep breath in and out, and then another, and another until Seungmin feels his heartbeat slowing down and calmness starts to slowly seep into his being again. He swallows, trying to think properly on how he’s going to find his way back home.
“Are you feeling better now?” Hyunjin says, startling Seungmin a little bit because of course he manages to forget there’s someone else there with him.
“Yeah,” Seungmin affirms sheepishly. Hyunjin had stayed quiet and waited patiently for him to calm down and say something, and Seungmin feels embarrassed to have kept him waiting.
“Are you lost?” Hyunjin asks again. There’s no humor in his question, just a pure curiosity to find out what’s wrong and if he could help in any way. “Do you want me to help?”
Seungmin lifts his gaze up at this, finally noticing Hyunjin is sitting on his heels a few meters away from Seungmin himself. He still can’t see Hyunjin properly because the streetlights are shit and are only causing half of Hyunjin’s face to be covered in shadows, but Seungmin does see glimpses of the nose and his full lips. His eyes are also strangely twinkling even under the bad lighting.
Seungmin doesn’t know if it’s a good idea to accept help from Hyunjin, who is literally still a stranger to him, but being left alone to figure out how to get back home on his own doesn’t sound like an appealing idea either. He contemplates and Hyunjin doesn’t say anything or urge him to hurry up, that Seungmin feels bad for making him wait again. In the end, he says a quiet “Yeah…”
Seungmin thinks he sees the edges of Hyunjin’s lips are pulled up into a smile, just slightly, and Seungmin suddenly feels shy. His cheeks feel warm but he’s thankful the bad lighting won’t make him get caught of blushing at least. “Do you have someone you want to call?”
“My brother,” Seungmin quickly says, frowning when he adds “But I left my phone at home.”
Hyunjin acknowledges with a thoughtful press of his lips. “I’d lend you my phone but I left it at home to charge as well.”
“Ohh…”
“It’s okay though! My house is nearby. We can drop by to get my phone first and then you can call your family,” Hyunjin suggests, already getting up again to fetch the plastic bag he had dropped. Then Hyunjin rummages through the bag as he makes his way to Seungmin, handing Seungmin something. “What do you think?”
Eyeing the thing in Hyunjin’s hand curiously, Seungmin realizes it’s a lollipop. Hyunjin encourages Seungmin to take it, so he does, albeit a little hesitantly.
“Sounds good, yeah? My house is this way. Let’s go,” Hyunjin beckons his head towards the street at the corner of where they’re currently at. Seungmin stands up, having last minute doubt as he looks at Hyunjin with calculative eyes. As if sensing Seungmin’s fear, Hyunjin offers a smile and says “I’m not going to hurt you. It’ll be okay. We’ll get you home.”
“Okay,” Seungmin decides and takes a step forward, following Hyunjin a few meters behind. They walk in silence, only accompanied by the sound of their footsteps on the pavement, with Hyunjin turning his head around often to make sure Seungmin is still following him.
It turns out Hyunjin’s house is not as near as he said it was after all. They had to turn corners couple of times and walk up a steep hill before entering another street. Seungmin perks up as he looks around them, at the familiar houses and surrounding. Before long, sure enough, he sees their home in the distance, sees his room with the curtains still wide open and can’t help but beam with relief.
“My house is at the end of the–,” Before Hyunjin can finish his sentence, Seungmin runs towards his home. “Hey!” Hyunjin calls after him. Seungmin only turns around once he opens the gate and steps inside their property.
“Umm, this is my house,” he explains.
“Oh?” Hyunjin stops to look, absentmindedly nodding his head as he makes careful observation of the house. “Ah, so your family are the ones who moved here! The house has been empty for so long after the Horvejkuls moved to Busan,” he says. “That means we’re neighbors! My house is right over there,” Hyunjin points to a certain direction. Seungmin tries to see where Hyunjin’s pointing at but isn’t really sure where exactly it is, so he just nods his head.
“Thank you,” Seungmin bows his head slightly, scurrying to the front door after saying good night to Hyunjin and closing the gates. When he steps inside the house, he finds out that Wonpil is already home, carrying what seems like an empty cup of noodles from his room upstairs. Wonpil is still wearing the clothes he used when he left yesterday morning, the half-circles under his eyes darker than Seungmin remembers them to be.
“Oh, where have you been? I thought you were already asleep,” Wonpil asks when he reaches the bottom of the staircase.
“Nowhere,” Seungmin quickly shakes his head and hides the lollipop inside his jacket’s pocket that only gains him a suspicious look from Wonpil. “But I am going to sleep now. Good night, hyung,” Seungmin gives Wonpil a hug and runs up the stairs to his room, glad that he could escape the scene before his mouth blurted out about him being lost and helped out by a stranger. That would only make Wonpil worried and Seungmin doesn’t want that.
Entering his room, the first thing Seungmin does is to close the curtains of the balcony doors. As he is about to pull the curtains, he notices a back figure of someone at the streets and realizes–by the outfits he’s wearing– it’s Hyunjin. Seungmin watches quietly, just to see where Hyunjin actually lives at. He finds out it’s the house across of the streets, four blocks away from their house, and Seungmin nods to himself at the information. His eyes widen in surprise when Hyunjin turns to look at his direction and Seungmin quickly pulls the curtains shut. He turns off the lights in the room and hides himself under the blanket without bothering to change his clothes, pressing his hand on his chest and feeling it beating fast against his palm.
“Calm down,” he whispers to his heart, rubbing his chest gently. Seungmin remembers about the lollipop that Hyunjin gave to him and fishes it out of the pocket to look at it. Unknowingly, a smile creeps onto his face. He gently settles the candy on his nightstand next to his digital clock and kind of just stares at it, for once no thoughts in his head other than thoughts of Hyunjin occupying his mind. Maybe if he sees Hyunjin again, he'll thank him properly and give him something in return of his help and the lollipop.
Maybe. Just, maybe.