Work Text:
oh god, we were so in love.
we were everything and anything at once. just the mere thought of you made me want to smile, made my heart blossom. we could be miles apart and still your voice would resound in my heart like a rippling echo, pulling us close again until we were together in heart. i would get lost in your dark red eyes as easy as they held me, a raging sunset-sky that i fell through without a doubt in mind. i lived for the heat of your flames on my cheek, red sparks that set my blood on fire as my cobalt fumes did yours. other times i lived for the rare tenderness of your crimson stare as we sat, somewhere hidden away, a momentary reprieve from our lives, a soft murmur in the next room over. it was like flying without wings, feeling like i ruled the world, because you were my entire world.
of course i never said anything. these emotions were always just something that was ours and ours alone, and you understood that too. we never needed to speak on this matter; sometimes you wanted to just scream and say “fuck it and let’s announce it” and sometimes i did too, but just the tightening of a hand, a lingering touch, would become a hiding place we willingly slipped into. i had my duties to fulfil and as did you. we were kings, royalty bestowed with power rather we chose to accept it or not.
it’s not like i didn’t enjoy being with my own clansmen, my people, my subjects. but you were something else entirely, different on another spectrum. you taught me so much without even knowing it. you taught me sometimes fighting fire with fire is the only way to save both yourself and your opponent. you taught me the meaning of a genuine friendship, all the messages that should’ve been voiced that instead get lost through the medium of movement. you taught me to always stay true to yourself, to remember why you started doing this, why you’d once wanted to; to stand up for your ideals, even if it meant you had to fight an uphill battle. and most of all, you taught me how to love someone.
i should hate you for it, but i can’t.
you should’ve taught me too, how much this part hurts. i’d never known it would feel this way. i’d imagined it would be something akin to fire searing my own skin inside out, burning my heart to pieces, but no. it’s just – it’s just an emptiness. a gaping, endless hole where you used to be. a place next to me that’s cold. a glass that’s untouched, a curtain unopened. a number that’ll keep on ringing forever until your tinny recorded voice comes on through the speakers. a second when i manage to delude myself into believing that girl’s aura is yours. a moment when i see something you’d like before i realize i can’t tell you about it, can’t tell you anything at all. a silence that i realize i will always wait for you to fill.
and god, it fucking hurts. it hurts like hell, mikoto. i can almost blame you, but then i think about us then i can’t. since then i’m always walking the line between reality and everything we used to be, all these fucking memories washing up in the back of my mind. i’ll always look for you amongst homra. i’ll always look for your favorite brand of cigarettes in a convenience store. i’ll always look for the north star in the sky, because you were mine and you knew that too. i’ll always find my feet bringing me back to all the places we’ve ever fought, because part of my mind believes that maybe, just maybe, there’d be a fragment of your familiar red lingering on the soft, almost nonexistent breeze.
i threw all of myself into this love. i loved you, mikoto suoh.
and i miss you so fucking much.