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The door chimes softly, and one of the women shouts out, “Welcome, Ed!”
It’s a bustling business over at Madame Christmas’s bar, but it serves Ed well. “Yeah yeah, hi hi —hey! No touchie!” He’s giving out his usual greetings when someone swats his ass. He points a finger to the lady, and he regrets it as soon as it leaves his mouth.
“Awwww,” the lady drawls as she cuddles closer to another woman, the two smiling at his reaction. “Is the little baby afraid of two young, attractive ladies in a bar meant for such…. lust?” She’s cooing at him, and the other is giggling.
Ed sighs angrily and rubs at his forehead. “For fuck’s sake, Lust, I’m not asking for this shit.” He finds a spot next to Lust and shouts out, “I’ll take the usual, Madame!”
“Don’t get too cocky that just because you have your dick parked squarely in my boy’s ass means that you can get away with this shit, brat!” She yells back at him, but he - and some of the regulars - laughs at the accusation.
“Anyways,“ he gets himself comfortable once his drink is set next to the others’. “What’s on the news?”
Serious news, judging by how Lust brings the other closer. “We got ourselves a bastard of a deal, that’s for sure.” She’s purring it out, but Ed’s gotten to know that that means she’s pissed. “Over at this young lady’s house —“ she gently squeezes said woman’s shoulders, and she seems to relax a bit — “— there’s Number 2 business, and he’s letting it out like nobody’s business.”
“Ah, good ol’ Number 2. You report to Roy yet?” Fuck, he hates Number 2 fuckers. God, if he could just burn them all to the ground —
“Honey, do you think I would be dumb enough not to?” Lust looks at him like he’s an idiot, but she knows how she works. “Anyways,” she lets the other down as she comes closer to Ed to whisper her end of the deal. “The kids are safe. I made sure of it.”
He looks at her, determination set in stone, and nods. “Thanks.” He downs the beer in one gulp - God that shit is delicious - and slams the glass down. He’ll hear her lecture later. “So, madam,” he looks at his new job. “Where can I find Asshole Numero Uno?”
“He did it again, that’s for sure.” Hughes lazily tells the media as they dig around another crime scene.
“Again my ass, Hughes, he’s made thorough work of making sure he’s shit his pants.” Roy whines back angrily, pissed that, once again, he has to help Edric Elric and Lust with their shit. “What number did she say?”
“We have a number 2—“ Kain starts, and all of them sigh. Of course he would go that far.
“Can’t we just tell him to not make our lives so difficult?” Jean joins in on the whining, but Heymans just bops him over the head.
“Just be grateful it wasn’t a Number 0,” Riza states calmly, and the groaning is louder.
“Ed, did you make it on the news again?”
“No no, of course not!” Ed’s smiling at his brother, who’s covered with Mei and Xiao-Mei.
Jerso and Zampano laugh boisterously at the attempt to seem innocent. “Yeah yeah, whatever you say, Shorty!” They laugh again as Ed shoots them another annoyed look.
“Could you guys not? We’re in public!” Ed hisses at them, but a soft bonk on his head tells him they won’t listen. “Allllllll, tell them to stoppppp.”
“Continue onwards, my fellow men.” Al’s just smiling at him like he totally didn’t just ignore him. Useless, useless, useless brother! The growling makes them all laugh at the older brother, and Al puts his hands up. “Okay okay, we’ll stop. Just tell us…” He leans closely, and Mei’s straining to hear as well. “Did you finally confess?”
Another screech makes it out of Ed as he furiously tries to get his brother, but of course alchemy could stop him from getting his brother. “Bastard! Get down here!”
“But did you?”
“Yes I did! Now get down before someone sees you!” The two “bodyguards” are rolling on the floor, laughing their asses off as they start incoherent sentences and blast of into more laughter. “Shut up, fuckers! I do have a life!” He starts kicking at the two on the floor, but they just roll away.
Al’s pulling the Innocent Face, which means he’s trying to act slick. “But how far have you two gone? Also, think of the workers here who have to deal with this!”
Of course he would go there, of course he would! “Y-youuuu…” Ed’s flushed to the brim, and he practically feels the steam rolling off of him. “I should’ve asked Honeheim to take you away from me! Shouldn’t have to fucking… Deal with this shit!”
“Aw, Ed, don’t be so mean!”
One of the workers comes over with their food, which stops the argument completely. Before they start stuffing the food down, the waiter tells them with a grin, “If you could please not use your quirks here, that would be great.” He turns to Ed with the “Death If You Don’t” stare he’s so used to. “Or I’ll turn you in, Full Metal Bat.”
“Sure sure, you’ll do that,” Ed just waves off the green-haired brat - God he hates how the kid just knows who he is - and continues to drink his coffee before he gets a harder smack on his head. “Watch it, fucker! I’m a customer!”
“You never will be, Edric-san!” The boy’s gotten way too used to his presence, and maybe Ed should be a little worried about that mouth of his.
When he looks back, he sees five sets of eyes looking over at him. “What?” He nervously drinks his coffee and tries to seem nonchalant, but then they explode.
“How did you meet him?”
“Did you accidentally swoon —“
“Is he the one —“
“Did you cheat on him?”
“Did you save him?”
“Tell us, Ed!” And Mei’s dog (he’ll never stop calling it that) bites his head, and he starts screeching in pain.
“No way in fuck! Not anymore!” So much for the warning.