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All sources available about soulmates; Rin had read them, delved into even the smallest elements of the phenomena, from the studies on handwriting deviations and handicaps to the inkless societies (made up by the surprisingly big minority of people born without soulmate tattoos, and, thus, one could assume, without soulmates). He had rummaged all corners of the internet for anecdotes by mateless ones (those who never found their soulmate) and NoSos (those who chose to denounce their soulmate in favour of a mate of their own choosing), denied having cried over the rare tale of the mortis ink (soulmate tattoos of the last words rather than the first), and studied the increasingly popular theory behind the soul coloured ones (people who were born without tattoos, and instead saw the world in black and white until they met their soulmates and the world bloomed into colour) and the connection to hearing impairment. The obsession had been there since they were kids, and while Sousuke couldn’t care less, he tried his best to be a supportive friend in this as with every other passion of Rin’s.
Sousuke's own tattoo made little sense to him, the words strangely garbled in an unsteady hand, the writing faded as if washed away by water. He had interpreted one of the words to be “always” and another “proud”, scribbled across his right shoulder, as if fate had some foul sense of irony, but the rest of them were so unclear, his guesses would be just that. So he started to consider himself a NoSo. He didn’t want to spend his life worrying over an unreadable sentence on his skin. Besides, they weren’t Rin’s first words to him, so what did it matter anyway?
He put the indicator on and did the routine glances in the mirrors before changing lanes. In his peripheral vision, he could see Rin in the passenger seat, still pouring over that book of his. Sousuke had agreed to drive him out here, even though it would take up an entire day and Rin would have to return to Australia come Sunday. A Friday road trip wasn’t that bad, he figured, and Rin wouldn’t stop going on about it until he had agreed. He didn’t know what was so important about meeting this woman. He never asked Rin what had caused this obsession to begin with, but a tiny part of him dared to secretly hope that Rin might have been just as disappointed that their first words didn’t match up with their ink as he had been. He would never admit that to Rin, though, just like he could never quite admit to himself that Nanase Haruka was most likely the reason for Rin's obsession. That hurt too much.
The drive had taken most of their energy away, and what had started out a sunny, cheerful day had steadily taken a turn towards the sour as the weather got cloudy and humid, the sky heavy with the promise of rain. The conversation, which had been lighthearted at first, dried out as disagreements of the past started trickling into their exchanges, their moods reflecting the thick atmosphere.
He knew Rin hadn’t given up the hope that Sousuke might one day join him in the water again, and while there was very little he would rather do, the chances of that happening were next to non-existent, the risks of damaging his shoulder more severely were far greater than the tiny pipe-dream of a possibility that it would get better. Rin seemed to refuse to accept that as final and to take it as a personal affront that he didn’t do more to push for recovery. It hurt. More than his shoulder ever could. More than seeing Nanase making Rin smile. So much so that he had seriously considered taking the risk anyway, against his doctor’s recommendation, just on the off-chance that the surgery would succeed, and he could be the one to make Rin smile again.
He had the paperwork in the car, the paperwork which could make the surgery happen. It was signed and everything, the funds for it stashed away in a separate bank account. All he needed to do was to send it in. With Rin back in Japan for the week, it had been constantly on his mind. He had hoped to discuss it before Rin left, but every time he had tried to bring the subject up, something had come in the way. Now that they were in a car together, on the road for hours, the words had stuck in his throat.
They were on a country road, the last hints of blue sky disappearing behind them, swallowed by the tree tops. Rin had put his book away, the drive too bumpy for him to read, and normally, that would have instigated a conversation between the two. The air felt stale as the little house came into view at the end of the road. Sousuke parked up outside just as the rumble of thunder could be heard in the distance ahead of them.
“I’ll wait in the car,” Sousuke mumbled.
A frown over red eyes was Rin’s initial response. “Aren’t you even curious?” He gave a head tilt as Sousuke turned to study his hands on the wheel.
“Rin, I don’t even know why you want to see this woman.” He braved a glance up, only to be met with anger.
“Because you never asked! You never ask, Sousuke! You just sit there and pretend to care, but you never ask!”
“I don’t pretend, Rin! I do care! I care about you! I’m driving you hours out into the middle of nowhere because I care about you!” He wasn’t sure if the shine on Rin’s cheek was the reflection of rain on the windshield or tears, but it made him lower his voice nonetheless.
“You know I…” He broke himself off with a sigh, thinking this wasn’t the way he wanted to initiate this conversation, before he continued on. “I would do anything for y-”
“Anything but the one thing I need,” Rin breathed, so quietly he had to struggle to hear it. And there were definitely tears trickling down his cheek. Sousuke could not stop the cold rage from settling in his belly.
“I have done everything for you.” His voice was low, controlled, cold. “I willingly ruined my shoulder to swim with you.”
“Sousuke…”
“I’ll risk doing it again. For you.” He leaned over, mechanically grabbing for the glove compartment, ripping the signed papers out and throwing them onto Rin’s lap before he slammed the glove compartment shut again. “But even that won’t ever be enough for you. Will it?”
“S-Sou!” Rin’s voice was cracked. Fragile.
“I can’t be there for you like Haruka. I can’t make you smile like him. I know his first words to you were not the ones on your skin, but it’s obvious you wish they were. But you don’t need to have some stranger living in the middle of the woods tell you that it’s ok in order to be with him. Just… go be with him.” Silence, apart from the ferocious drumming of rain on the roof of the car. Then, the rustling of paper, a sigh carrying the whisper of his name.
“I’m not here for Haru, Sousuke.” The held breath seeped out shakily between Sousuke’s lips as his eyes lured his head to turn towards the redhead. Rin held the papers up for him to see as he ripped them in two.
“RIN!”
“I would never let you do that to yourself. I could never let you take that kind of risk again.”
“But I’ll never swim again if I don-”
“So what!? I don’t need you to swim with me! Haru swims with me! I need you to not resent me for what I can do that you no longer can! I need you to care enough to ask me what’s up when I drag you out on a road trip to the middle of nowhere! I need you to be proud of me! I need you to…” Sharp teeth worried over a tender lip.
“I need you to love me.”
The thump of something heavy landing in his lap. Sousuke looked down on Rin’s book, and this time he really looked. It was green and the letters were a warm gold, reading Rediscovering a Dream - How to find yourself again after an injury.
“I’m not here for Haru, Sousuke,” Rin repeated, “I’m here for you.”
Sousuke’s eyes blurred like the windows of the car and his hands clutched at the book.
“Rin… I thought…”
“You think too much, you dummy. Now, are you coming with me inside?” It was hard to see anything but the outline of the small house through the windows and his own tears, so Sousuke simply nodded.
“So, who is it we’re seeing,” he asked.
“No one.” Rin was grinning.
“What?”
“No one. It’s my uncle’s cottage. I just needed to talk to you somewhere you couldn’t just cut me off and leave.” A smile tugged at Sousuke’s mouth. He leaned over, his smile colliding with the smug grin on Rin’s face in the most clumsy, yet emotional kiss ever to be had in that car.
His heart was threatening to start a marching band as he got out of the car to follow Rin up the stone stairs towards the house, the ground slippery with mud. Thirteen steps towards an even muddier pathway. Thirteen steps, and then the sensation of the world swirling around him, followed by a white hot impact. Grey clouds and the onslaught of raindrops. Someone shouting. Rin’s face. Rin’s voice. Rin's tears falling into his face. Fingers clutching his hands. His vision fading, his body slowly going numb. This couldn't be happening. Not now. He needed to...
Rin’s tattooed words swirled in his head.
“Rin… I just… wanted to… make you proud.” It took everything he had to pronounce them, to make out his soulmate's silhouette as the truth dawned on them both. He could barely make out the words, but in between the sobs, he heard them stuttered in Rin’s garbled voice.
"You always made me proud."
There was a smile on Sousuke’s lips when his consciousness slipped away.