Chapter Text
Jungkook watched his hyungs as they jumped around the stage. Eyes lit up, smiles on their faces, a pep in their usually wobbly step.
Their comeback schedule had drained the life out of all of them. They each considerably lost some weight, and that was obvious from their new bony and angular structures, and the stress was igniting old symptoms of depression within all of them.
Hoseok had bruises forming on his limbs from how hard he was straining his body, Jimin was losing pounds left and right, Namjoon and Jin constantly had migraines, Yoongi was sleeping whenever he got the chance, and Taehyung's self-doubt was slowly destroying the wall he built to keep it away.
Jungkook spent all his time practicing. He needed to be perfect for their fans. They wanted perfect, they wanted golden, but he couldn't keep up. He couldn't keep up with himself anymore, not even at his best.
He wasn't eating enough, not by choice, by forgetting. It slips his mind when hours become a blur during dance rehearsal. A blink takes away his whole day and only the familiar curling of his stomach reminds him that he hasn't had a bite.
This was the first time in a long time that Jungkook had seen his hyungs looking so carefree and energized.
Some concerts, the particularly good ones, just take off all the stress from their shoulders and remind them why they go through everything. This was one of those concerts.
The crowd was lively, responding with joy to both the music and the boys. There was no obnoxious signs with lewd comments, or ear-piercing screeching during their speeches. It was a light, energetic concert experience for everyone involved.
So then why does Jungkook feel so wrong?
Every movement he makes with his body sends in ache inside him, one that spreads from his fingers to his toes, reminding him just how tired he is.
During the start of the concert, Jungkook had felt as light as his hyungs. But as every second went by, the more it just didn't feel right to be standing up there. It wasn't a crisis of why, it was a feeling of wrong.
His stomach was unsettled, and he felt that it was eating on itself as Jungkook continued to function on an empty stomach. He hadn't eaten that morning, or that afternoon, only a small snack that Jimin shared with him. It was catching up with him.
The lights were too bright. They didn't feel like the spotlights he knows, bright reminders of everything their group has accomplished, they felt like those bright lamps inside interrogation rooms when you are being accused by the police.
Jungkook shrank as the light followed him, squinting his eyes under the loud glare.
The vibrations from the loud, pumping music shook Jungkook inside and out. He could feel it reverberating in his bones, matching the thumping of his rapid heart rate but instead of it feeling exhilarating, every shutter struck a cord inside him.
It wasn't anxiety; there was a lack of shaky hands.
It wasn't annoyance; he has never been irritated while being surrounded by their music.
He couldn't pinpoint what was going on and his panic increased tenfold.
His mind was swimming, voices fading in and out of focus. The heavy pressure in his ears made Jungkook feel trapped inside himself - burning tears began slipping from the corners of his eyes, slowly forming a path down his sweaty skin.
Jungkook's body felt abnormally heavy, sinking into the stage floor as if he were struggling in quick-sand. His stomach was empty but it felt like he had eaten rocks and they were just now settling inside him.
A sudden wave of heat washed over his body, curling under his skin and clouding over his coherent thoughts. He shivered, feeling a bout of nausea form a lump in his throat.
He felt weightless, lost of all control.
There was hands briefly grazing his arms, familiar, but too warm, scorching. Jungkook's head lulled over, blindly trying to catch a gaze with his hyungs but they weren't looking at him. He tried to call for help but the constriction in his throat turned his voice into a squeak, which was overwhelmed by the booming of the music.
He could feel his body sway over and Jungkook thought that he caught his balance, but suddenly the floor was tilting, everything going sideways, and the thud of a dead weight hitting the ground shook the stage.
Jungkook came to only a few moments later to his body being dragged across the stage, lifted up enough in someone's arm to keep him light but not enough to keep his feet off the ground.
The music had stopped, and the sudden dead silence of the concert made shame rise up in Jungkook's body.
He ruined it, he ruined the concert. His hyungs were happy and he ruined that. The originally thumping music was replaced by a deep raspy voice, Yoongi-hyung, speaking through the microphone to the fans.
Jungkook jerked in the person's arms - they felt familiar, he couldn't tell who, Taehyung? Seokjin? - turning his head away to see that the rapline had remained on stage and were busy calming the panicked crowd, reassuring them that Jungkook is okay.
Yoongi's voice was shaky, Hoseok wrapped an arm around his waist. Namjoon joined in on the speech, offering to sing one of the Cyphers for the fans to fill the dead silence.
The music began. The rapline shared a look as they got into position - it was a look of hesitance, worry.
Yoongi looked over and locked eyes with Jungkook. At his glance, Jungkook realized the voices all crowding in his ears were speaking to him and he tried to will himself to look away but Yoongi's teary eyes were still locked with his.
"Kookie, hey, you awake? Look at me, Kook."
Jungkook startled at the voice, heart-rate building up so fast it took all his breath away. He looked over, head swimming with the small movement and suddenly Jungkook was falling under again, sinking into the arms carrying him.
This time Jungkook awoke with a startled gasp, eyes flying open and burning under the bright lights above him. Sickness rose in his throat and Jungkook gagged, twisting his body over and dry-heaving off the side of the couch.
He threw up an empty stomach, all bile and acid, scorching it's way up his throat and making his lips feel heavy. He sobbed through it, clutching at the side of the couch like it was a life-line, flinching at the hand that reached out to brush his sweaty hair away.
There was something cold pressed to his cheek, the object crinkled under the pressure.
Jungkook opened his eyes, staring through blurry vision, barely making out that it was Seokjin holding a cold bottle of water to his heated skin. It was cold, encased with crystallizing water from being in the cold freezer.
Two hands settled on his shoulders and carefully turned his body back onto his back.
Jungkook nearly threw up again, and the feeling made tears start spilling from his eyes. Those hands, familiar and warm, reached up to thumb them away. He still jerked under the touch, surprised at how it sent electricity through him. He couldn't decide if it felt good or bad.
"Tae-" Jungkook breathed, eyes slipping back closed. He knew who belonged to that touch.
"Hey, I'm here, Kookie. Don't worry, you're okay."
Jungkook swallowed the heavy lump in his throat, lulling his head over.
He was in the backstage, on the couch. Taehyung was behind the couch, reaching out to him, Seokjin was standing beside the front, now having took the cold drink off his face, and Jimin was sitting on the coffee table waving a paper to fan some air on Jungkook.
There was two women, one writing on a clipboard and the other folding up a loose blanket from the other side of the couch. Two of their managers, they must have helped stabilize him.
"How are you feeling?" Jimin asked him, pausing with the fanning. He reached out and touched Jungkook's chest. It was heavy, but welcomed.
Jungkook couldn't form the words, he jerked his head back and forth, wincing as his head screamed at him.
"Yeah, don't move like that." Seokjin remarked, "You're still sensitive."
Jungkook tried to sit up but Taehyung settled his hands on his chest and shoved him back down, "Stop pushing yourself. Stay still, recover."
"I don't know what happened," Jungkook found himself saying, "I- I don't-"
"You fainted. Worked yourself too hard. When's the last time you ate?" Jimin's words shook Jungkook's thoughts, he was afraid of what they would say if they knew how he had been behaving. He was supposed to be getting better, yet here he is.
"The snack- you offered me a snack."
"That's it?" Jimin breathed, face not even surprised. He understood what was going through Jungkook's head. When Jungkook nodded, Jimin reached up and dragged his hands down his face, momentarily swiping at the tears that were pooling in his eyes.
Silence stretched over the four. Jungkook's breathing sounded like wheezes.
Suddenly the background white noise of booming music stopped and the room felt too still. Jungkook whined, shifting his body, wriggling.
"They finished," Seokjin supplied.
Seconds later, there was the sound of running before the three other boys were in the room, swooping to Jungkook's side.
"Kookie, my oh- oh my- fuck." Yoongi couldn't seem to find his words. "You scared the fuck out of me. I- god, are you okay?"
Jungkook nodded. Again, stabbing pain shot through him and bile raised up in his throat. He swallowed it down, nearly gagging. He just wanted to go home.
"Nearly gave us a heart attack, baby." Hoseok told him, reaching out to Jungkook, touching his limp arm, "You- we didn't even notice-"
"I don't know what happened." Jungkook tried to explain. He looked to Namjoon, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"
Namjoon shook his head silent. He walked over, crouching beside the couch, dropping his head down so that it rested against Jungkook's stomach. He sighed, and one of his hands curled out, finding Jungkook's and threading their fingers. "You didn't do anything wrong."
Jungkook squeezed his hand, using all of his leftover energy. He felt even "I'm sorry."
"Don't, kid." Yoongi told him, dropping onto the couch beside them, running a shaky hand through his hair, "You're alright, that's all we care about."
"You hit the ground pretty hard." Hoseok mused, voice so soft Jungkook wasn't sure if he even meant for anyone to hear.
"It was my fault." Jungkook whispered, flinching when all their stares shot to him. They hated when he put blame on himself.
Before one of them could defend, one of their managers spoke up, "You boys need to get back on stage. Jungkook, you are staying here."
"Let me stay with him." Jimin tried, pleading, "Please, I want-"
"You're too important to the choreography. We can't lose two of our dance-line in one night." The manager replied, tucking her clipboard against her chest.
"Then I'll stay." Seokjin finalized. Him and the manager exchanged a look, it was blank but held too much in the eyes. She nodded in agreement.
Seokjin sighed, he dropped into the spot beside Yoongi, closest to Jungkook's head and reached out to push his sweaty bangs from his head. He was still holding the cold drink, Jungkook wanted to ask for it.
"We'll make it quick." Namjoon said, talking more to the boys rather than the managers. He spoke against Jungkook's stomach, sending vibrations, "Okay, Kookie?" He finally lifted his head, eyes doe, "Just a little while longer and then we can go home."
Jungkook closed his eyes. He thought he nodded, but his head wasn't moving.
Around him, Jungkook could feel the others leaving, their presences disappearing with only Seokjin's left.
Jungkook settled into the pillows, head pulsing and body aching.
"I love you, Kookie." Seokjin whispered, voice quiet and raspy, "Please take better care of yourself, yeah? Hyung loves you so much."
Jungkook's hand twitched, he wanted to hold Seokjin's but he didn't have the energy to reach back. Seokjin must have understood. He nodded at the words, "Yes, hyung. I'm sorry."
He could hear the small smile in Seokjin's voice, "I'll make your favorite tonight. That will cheer you up."
Jungkook smiled softly, and turned over into the couch, curling up.
A few seconds later, a blanket was settled over his figure and plush lips were pressing a kiss to the side of his forehead.
When the thumping of their music started to bounce through the walls again, Jungkook found himself being lulled to sleep now. His body hurt from the way he hit the ground, bruises forming on his hips, but Jungkook knew that it would get better. His hyungs always know how to get him back to himself.
When he opened his mouth, it felt dry and barren, but the words sent a calming chill through him, flowing through his veins and clearing the leftover uneasiness.
"I love you too, hyung."