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Shouto is counting the days left until he’s 18 years old and can finally never talk to his Father again. He has a countdown set on his phone, but he doesn’t really have to check it to know the numbers are double-digits since today.
Only 99 more days. He can do this. He can keep up his facade. Not only the one about his demeanor, but other things as well.
Is has been already two and a half years since he’s discovered he’s not exactly the perfect, straight-A, beautiful and heterosexual son his parents expected. Well, most of this still stands - he does get a lot of As on his tests, and Shouto would like to say he’s not exactly hideous, apart from the giant burn scar around his left eye of course. But if there’s one thing he’s definitely not, then it’s being heterosexual.
It just comes naturally to him. Girls are so...different, with their curves and softness, their giggling and bashing eyelashes. Sure, boys could be like this too, but with time, Shouto just realized that boys appeal to him in a way girls don’t.
###
The realization hit him full force when he’d started his first year at UA. There were suddenly so many good-looking boys around him, how could he not? But unlike others in his class who apparently had the same train of thoughts in their first year -speak, Momo and Kyouka or Eijirou-, Shouto doesn’t plan to act on his attraction. He rarely or never experienced a crush, and he’s quite thankful to that. He had to listen to Eijirou’s whining over his particular nasty crush 50 times too often, thanks.
Shouto tells himself it’s because it’d divert his attention from his studies and, ultimately, his goal. Not that anyone that he’s found attractive ever confessed to him or something, but he definitely has to keep that in mind before he makes some kind of stupid, spontaneous decision based on feelings.
Honestly, he thought living in the UA dorms would be less private and more nerve-wracking. Aside from the occasional shouting match next room and the clutter some people leave in the common rooms, it’s pretty nice. Nobody tells him to lay down the books he likes to read in his spare time to train, and even when somebody does, he still can decline. Shouto acknowledges that the cafeteria’s food doesn’t taste as good as his Mother’s cooking, but he can live with that.
Shouto likes his routine. He likes to wake up early to be wide awake before his first class starts. He doesn’t immediately get up and goes on a jog like other people -Tenya or Katsuki, to name a few- but he tries to take a shower and read another chapter of his book before the clock strikes 7. It’s nice to shower around 6, because he’s got the dorm’s men bathroom all to himself and nobody tries to engage Shouto in a conversation when he’s naked and only half-awake on top of that. At the time of the day, the only other student he’s met there is Katsuki, but he was already finished and quickly put a shirt on as Shouto came in. He’d left afterwards, and somehow their shower schedules never collided again.
All in all, Shouto can’t complain about living in the dorms. Yes, it’s messy and loud and really annoying sometimes, but he’d chose it above living in the same house as his Father every day.
Much to his dismay, it isn’t like he doesn’t see his Father at all, anymore. To others, that train of thoughts may seem cruel and uncalled for, but they probably didn’t have a childhood like his own. Or they just cope differently. Shouto’s definitely not the one to judge.
So, instead of spending the weekend with his friends like most of his classmates do, he has to travel home every Saturday around noon and only comes back Sunday evening. He’s only excused by his Father when he has important exams coming up he has to cram for. At least there are his Mother and the dog of his neighbour at home, so that’s at least something he can look forward to. Shouto has never had the best relationship with his siblings, and it’s more than likely that’ll stay as it is, so he doesn’t bother with engaging more conversation than he has to. His Father is not a fan of that, anyways, and he tends to keep him separated from them.
They train the whole week-end. On Sunday, Shouto’s organism runs on less than 5 hours of sleep, and he’s absolutely wrecked. His hands are scraped bloody, and he’s almost blacked out once. The whole time, Father has been shouting at him, trying to motivate him through ways that Shouto could never quite comprehend.
He doesn’t bother complaining, though, just bites his tongue and keeps going.
His Mother patches him up afterwards. Shouto thinks about the fact that it’s actually kind of sad she does so with practiced ease, small fingers moving solely on muscle memory. He'd rather have no bandages at all, but he doesn’t say anything when his Mother’s eyes are fixated on his wounds like that. It’s more like she patches up her own injuries, and in a way that’s not exactly wrong, Shouto guesses.
On Sunday evening, when he’s sitting in the last train available to UA, Shouto takes off his bandages and discards them in a trashcan. Most wounds have scabbed by now, though some start bleeding again when he rips off the plasters. Endeavor is clever enough to only have bruised his hips and ribs, what could be easily covered with clothes.
There’s an old lady sitting some seats away, facing him. He knows she watches him with worry in her kind brown eyes, so he tries to ignore that and the upcoming tears in his eyes and sinks against the hard cushions. Shouto looks out of the window, but it’s already dark outside and his own illuminated face stares directly back at him.
He looks worn out. Completely done for. His eyes have dark bags under them and are a bit puffy from holding back tears. At his family’s house, he can’t let himself allow to cry. But as soon as he’s in the train, the world crashes down on him. It’s like that every single time, and Shouto figures that’s something that won’t be changing soon, either.
At that thought, Shouto can’t help but start sobbing for real. He presses his hands to his face, his body jerking at the silent crying. He isn’t aware of the lady coming over and sitting next to him, but he relishes in the soft gesture of her rubbing his back anyway.
The train ride is almost an hour long, and Shouto uses that time to bawl his eyes out and spill everything to the stranger. For a second, he nearly holds back out of fearing that this story will eventually come to light when he’s a full grown hero. But a 15 year old boy can only have so much weight on his shoulders, so he tells her everything apart from the fact that his Father is the famous hero Endeavor. It feels really good to let loose once in a while, but afterwards he feels kind of defeated.
The lady listens to every word he’s saying, and asks if he’d be okay with some words of advice from an old, quirkless woman. That brings a small smile to his face, so he nods and listens.
Shouto’s stop is next, so he gathers his things and says thanks to the woman, who wishes him the best. On the way from the train station to his dorm, he thinks about the advice she’s given him. Talking with someone, a professional or a friends, doesn’t sound too bad, but there’s nobody he could trust this with. Shouto is also pretty sure that Recovery Girl can only heal physical wounds, so there’s that.
For the next months, his bruises go unnoticed, although Shouto is pretty sure All Might has his eyes on him especially after the sport festival, for some reason. It gets worse once his Mother is send to a Mental Hospital, now there’s nobody to patch him up. He has the feeling after Endeavor has abandoned his wife, his so-called training only becomes more aggressive and detestable.
Shouto doesn’t bother with bandages anymore. It’s a hassle to remove them in the train, and instead, he lets his blood dry at the air. A habit of picking at the scab forms, but that’s the least of Shouto’s worries. What’s really making him losing sleep is the constant worry of someone discovering the scars littering his hips, and the bruises coloring his ribs in blue, green and yellow. It’s not pretty, really. Shouto makes a point of going showering earlier in the morning the more months pass.
He’s met Katsuki in the showers more than on one occasion at the end of their first year, because he’s the only other boy of 1A using the dorm bathroom before the clock strikes 6. The only thing weird in these situations is the fact that Katsuki covers up his body with the next best item of clothing or towel he can grab when he notices Shouto coming in. It starts in October that their morning routines start to match up, and it doesn’t take a full week before Katsuki’s showering even earlier, so he’s done by the time Shouto starts his shower, although he does look more tired than usual.
Shouto wonders about this, but knows better than to ask any questions, Katsuki or not.
The following monday, it’s the first time they both arrive at the bathroom at the same time. Shouto stares at Katsuki, and the other boy halts his steps, and glares back. He can almost see the gears turning in Katsuki’s eyes, and knows he’s about to lock Shouto out of the bathroom or just cancel his morning shower.
Katsuki can’t seem to come to a conclusion, so Shouto just steps inside the bathroom and sighs loudly. “Let’s just not make a big deal of it and get it over with.”
The other boy doesn’t respond, but follows him aside with hesitant steps. They remove their clothing silently, and Katsuki seems to hurry to be in the shower. There are no room dividers, but the boy starts the shower at such a high water temperature that the bathroom steams up in no time. Shouto gulps down his unease and starts his own shower, choosing the one farthest away from Katsuki. He’s not in the mood for Katsuki’s shouting this early in the morning, even if he’s curious about the reason Katsuki wears swimming trunks of all things.
Remembering common courtesy, he tears his gaze away from his classmate, but Katsuki has already noticed.
“The fuck you looking at,” he snarls, but it misses his usual aggressiveness. Shouto has the weird feeling he almost sounds self-conscious. He also notices Katsuki’s crossing his arms before he turns to talk to him. Is it just Shouto or does his chest look even more muscular than usual?
So instead of voicing his thoughts, he just shrugs and hopes to avoid an argument like this. He’s already shampooing his hair when he hears a sudden gasp to his left, and before he can rethink it, Shouto’s looking at Katsuki again, fearing either something he really doesn’t want to witness or something that has to do with his bruises. It was the latter.
“Where the hell did ya get all these fucking bruises?” Katsuki asks, shocked.
Shouto’s hands are still in his hair and they stop moving for a moment. His mouth is becoming dry at the question, because it’s just now that his sleep-deprived mind recognizes the fact that in this position, the dark spots littering his hips from yesterday’s ‘training’ are perfectly visible to his classmate. The thought alone of Katsuki telling someone about this is making him nauseous. So Shouto just quips, “training”, and turns up his shower to the maximum, drowning out every word Katsuki could have answered. It’s not exactly a lie, but he feels bad about cutting him off anyway.
They don’t speak about it while they’re in the bathroom, and Shouto figures now that Katsuki has seen the worst, he can stay and finish his shower just as well. He keeps staring on the wall in front of him, but he feels Katsuki’s eyes on him every now and then.
Katsuki is finished more quickly, already toweling himself off as Shouto’s shower ended. They don’t change a word until Katsuki is about to head back to his room, but he seems to change his mind and stops with his hand already on the doorknob.
“I know it’s not my place to butt in, but I’m gonna say it anyways,” he growls. “Fucking talk to someone. Shit like that ‘s not cool.”
Shouto feels his cheek flame at the humiliation. The logical part of his brain tells him it shouldn’t be and that Katsuki’s right, but he just can’t help it; his gut tells him to deny everything that his classmate is saying, and to do everything possible to keep him from telling anyone.
“I’m okay,” Shouto says after some moments, staring at his bag. He doesn’t want to look up and see his classmate looking at him with pity. Shouto is strong and independant, and really doesn’t need that.
“Sure,” comes the sarcastic response, followed shortly by a huff. “I’ve told myself that a long time ago, too, but that only made things worse.”
At that, Shouto can’t help but look up at him in surprise. It isn’t like Katsuki at all to admit some kind of weakness.
He doesn’t explain further, though, just says, “Hell, if you really don’t have someone to talk to, just ask me. I’m sure Deku, All Might or Recovery Girl would be more than happy to comply, though.”
Shouto stares at him and gives a curt nod. Katsuki just rolls his eyes and leaves the bathroom, and Shouto deep in thoughts.
###
Shouto’s discarded the entire situation into the back of his mind. Nothing changes, except that they’re both much more comfortable with showering together now. Katsuki slowly but surely stops hiding his torso, although he still wears swimming trunks when they shower. Shouto can relax more, too, now that he knows Katsuki’s aware of his bruises and cuts and doesn’t pressure him into something he doesn’t want to. Apparently, he hasn’t told anyone else, either. And to be honest, Shouto’s extremely grateful for that.
They don’t really acknowledge that outside of their shared mornings, but showering together sort of becomes a routine for them. It’s odd when Katsuki’s not there because he’s came back from his morning jog early, and Shouto somehow does feel guilty when he’s lying in bed with a fever once and doesn’t notify the other boy.
The whole school has been given a two-week holiday before their second year at UA starts. What’s a delight for most of the students, is a dread for Shouto. His Father expects his presence for the whole two weeks, and that means two weeks full of shouting and beating. He knows this because the Christmas Holidays have been the same, although that was only one and a half week, and at a much easier level. Endeavor only expects the best and more now that the second year is starting.
In the aftermath, Shouto realizes that Katsuki given exactly the same advice like the old lady in the train half a year ago. He figures there could be a grain of truth to it, then.
When he’s waking up in Recovery Girl’s room a week and a half later, he realizes he maybe should have said something sooner. All Might is there with him when Shouto has his first, full blown panic attack.
It just can get uphill from here on, is what All Might has said afterwards, and Shouto just has to believe him.
###
Somehow, All Might convinces Endeavor to lay off the ‘training’. Shouto has the feeling it was less convincing and more threatening with the revoke of his hero license. Either way, it worked. All Might also made sure the class 1A has a mandatory events every Saturday evening, and even if that event is just a movie night to strengthen the team bonding, Endeavor doesn’t have to know that. Even if Shouto thinks that All Might went overboard to give him a reason not to be at his family’s house, he’s still eternally grateful for that.
Of course, Katsuki notices the bruises are gone and a thing of the past now, and he even gives Shouto a grin at that. Shouto can barely suppress a small smile at his classmate’s reaction. Or, well, by now Katsuki’s more likely a friend. Something warm flourishes in his chest at that thought, but he doesn’t ponder about it.
The only way he now has to spend time with his Father is when they have their weekly family lunch on Sundays. It’s better than their training, but it’s not like it’s easy, either. Endeavor makes sure to drop far too many snide remarks than it’s healthy, but Shouto just learns to tune it out except for the questions. What are his grades at the moment, if he’s reduced his training regimen, if he’s already chosen a place for his 3rd year internship, if he’s got himself a girlfriend already, someone from a respectable family and with a practical quirk, etc. The questions really never change, and so won’t his answers. It’s funny how Endeavor inquires after a potential girlfriend most, already making sure that even if Shouto won’t surpass All Might, he’s at least provides for offspring who can.
Although he would love to just deadpan, “I’m gay as hell, Father. Are adopted kids good to go?”, Shouto always says he just haven’t found the right one, or that possible girls just have a quirk much too weak to be acceptable. He’s proud of his sexual orientation, but his Father doesn’t have to know that. Shouto already knows the potential outcome of such a situation would not be pretty, and he really doesn’t want to repeat the holiday before his second year. So he keeps these things to himself.
It goes on for a year and a half like this. Shouto’s grown a lot more confident, but it’s not rare the ghosts of the past haunt him. He still has nights in which he wakes up drenched in sweat and breathless. He still can’t bring himself to visit his Mother in the Mental Hospital out of a fear he’ll bring back memories that will freak her out. He still has the habit of picking any scabs he gets in the course of their hero training, and he still can’t handle villains who are dressed in blue and have red hair, although that’s a rare occasion. All Might doesn’t berate him for that mistake, doesn’t even think of it, instead crouches down to him and asks if he’s alright, given the situation.
Shouto still keeps up his routine to shower at the same time Katsuki does, even when the physical wounds are long gone.
###
99 more days.
Today is a sunday, which means Shouto has to eat with his Father and siblings. The TV is on and on a low volume, so it won’t distract Endeavor. The news channel is playing.
Shouto is already out of a temper today. Everything annoys him, and he has to try really hard to hold back his remarks when his Father puts him through his usual weekly questions. He likes to think it was because after the movie night yesterday, he’s fallen asleep on the couch and Denki had thought it would be a brilliant idea to draw whiskers on his face. So he hasn’t only woke up with a stiff neck, but also with barely enough time to remove the black lines from his cheeks. Shouto has mentally freaked out about the possibility of the marks still visible when he’s face to face with his Father. Thank God he’s managed to get it off in time.
Plus, since he accidently slept in, he didn’t shower with Katsuki today. He hasn’t even seen him. In the past two and a half years, Katsuki of course has long picked up the fact that Shouto’s going to his family’s house every Sunday, even if Shouto hasn’t mentioned any of that in his presence. Actually, Katsuki seems to know a lot about Shouto, but he figures that’s because he’s extremely observative. These past years, he’s mostly outgrown his sudden outbursts of rage, too, even if his sarcasm and explosive hair have stayed. And Shouto wouldn’t want to change that for the world.
When Katsuki has noticed Shouto’s nerves are raw, he’s always made a point of throwing a supportive statement at his head, although it was a bit on the harsh side; “Keep your half-’n’-half excuse of your head up, fucker” wasn’t unusual, and even if Katsuki managed to insult him in more than one way within one sentence, Shouto smiled at him in thanks afterwards. Katsuki usually refrained from smacking him like he did playfully with Eijirou or Denki, instead calling him another colorful insult and turning around to go wherever. Of course, every time he did that, Shouto didn’t miss the way the tips of his ears are burning a bright red.
It’s no wonder really that he’s a bit agitated today.
So when the news channel suddenly displays a reporter somewhere in America, where a ton of people are running in some sort of parade with rainbow flags and huge banners, Shouto can’t help but pay attention. His Father isn’t in the room right now because dinner isn’t going to be ready for some minutes, so Shouto figures it’s fine.
The reporter says something about Same-Sex marriage being legal in the United States since today, and Shouto’s heart beats a bit faster for a moment. Talk about goals, huh.
“What’s that word, Shouto?”, his little brother asks suddenly.
Shouto begins to set the table and simply says, “Same-sex marriage is when two men or woman can marry each other.”
“But they love each other just like a man and a woman, right?”
He’s about to open his mouth and say yes, sure, when he notices his Father has entered the room and stares at him with an expression that makes his stomach drop. He tries not to look too hurt when Endeavor sits and answers in his stead, “Of course not, son. These people are out of their mind and desperate. They-”
He goes on like this while Shouto puts the meal on the table, but he tunes him out again. He knows it’s for the best. Mentally, he’s chanting keep your head up, don’t let it get to you, and thank goodness, it works. If it wouldn’t have, there would have absolutely been a zero percent guarantee he wouldn’t have snapped at Endeavor.
They eat, but something’s unusual today. It isn’t until they’re done that it occurs to Shouto that his Father had waited until his little brothers are out of the room to start with his usual interrogation about Shouto’s life. When he’s at the point of inquiring about his non-existent girlfriend, Endeavor looks him dead in the eye and tells him, “Since you’ve never found a potential young woman to raise a family with, I think it’s time to assist you in the search for a partner. Next time you’re here, I’ll have a portfolio for you to look at. I expect you to pick three possible candidates until the week after.”
Shouto can just gape at him in shock. He can’t be serious, right? Shouto isn’t even 18 yet.
“Son? Do you have a problem with something?” Endeavor says, raising his chin a bit more than he actually has to. Shouto feels ice gather at his palm, but makes sure to let it disappear before his Father can question it.
“Why not wait until I’m 22, like most of the other participants of a Miai?” Shouto asks, trying hard to keep his voice calm and his face free of emotion when responding.
“You’ve never had a partner in the past 3 years, although I’m sure you’ve met a lot of girls that are within my standards. You’ve never even tried, and I am sure such a thing won’t change within the next years. It’s sad I actually have to explain that to you, Shouto.”
Shouto doesn’t allow himself to grind his teeth together and nods instead. Endeavor isn’t quite finished, so he doesn’t bother saying something.
“Also, you’re not 18 yet. You obviously can’t make such a decision on your own.”
There it is. Shouto thinks. I knew there’d be a reason why he suddenly changed his mind about it, despite having seen me staring at the TV when there’s Pride Parade happening. He takes a deep breath and says what he what he always says. “Of course, Father.”
And he’s trusted All Might when he’d said the worst is over, years ago. What a fool he’s been, thinking Endeavor wouldn’t try to control his life beyond that.
###
Endeavor hasn’t been joking, sadly. The following sunday, he hands over a portfolio, but Shouto can’t bring himself to take a look into it the whole week he owns it. He doesn’t want to see the face of the woman who’s stuck in a marriage with a gay man all her life. So, much to his Father’s liking, Shouto tells him he should just chose a woman he thinks is good for him.
Not that Endeavor would ever do something that’ll benefit his son, but well, Shouto’s trying, at least.
There are some things Shouto finds highly unlikely to happen but he of course still wishes for. Hope dies last, he tells himself. Possibility number one: Endeavor invites a woman that ‘turns him’ bi, two: he comes to his senses and cancels all Miai plans, three: Shouto can drag out the dates and meetings so long until he’s 18. It’d be a hassle, but still better than to spend his life with a woman he doesn’t love.
That there’s still a possibility number four is something Shouto hasn’t expected in the slightest. Not until he’s standing by at their dining table, and his Father comes in with another couple his age and the one and only Bakugou Katsuki in tow. Only thing is: he’s dressed in a dress and jacket, with make-up on and his hair styled to look more feminine.
Shouto can barely take his eyes off him - Katsuki looks horrible and ready to blow up something if given the chance. His dress-up seems incredibly childish to Shouto’s eyes and just doesn’t fit Katsuki in the slightest. Shouto can barely get out a greeting, but he’s politely excused because Katsuki’s parents apparently think he’s already smitten with their child. Which is not exactly wrong, but not the reason he’s so shocked right now.
After the formalities, at which Shouto almost fucks up by saying Katsuki’s real pronouns and names, their parents leave them alone to get to know each other a bit, or rather to get their stuff sorted out, since their parents definitely know they are going into the same class at UA.
“Do you also think they just, I don’t know, think we haven’t been involved yet or something?” Shouto wonders out loud as soon as they’re in the other room.
Katsuki’s expression changes to one of amazement. “Wait, your first question isn’t The fuck you doing in this hideous dress, or Have I been showering with a girl all along?”
“Oh please, I don’t sound like that,” Shouto responds at the nasty monotone Katsuki has used for the impersonation.
“Whatever. Suck my dick.”
Shouto has to laugh out loud at that. It’s unreal, being able to joke around and just be himself when he’s expected a full-blown interrogation that would leaves his nerves raw. Instead, speaking with Katsuki is like balm for his soul, Shouto notices. He wonders why it has taken him so damn long to realize that.
Katsuki tells him how his family believes that he just feels like a man because he hasn’t found the right man yet, not because he’s transgender and gay. They’re conservative, but love him, so he can’t help but go along with their plans. He says he knows that they’ll stop trying when he’s vehemently refusing each partner and date.
When he’s done telling his story, Shouto just shakes his head. “I’ve told myself that a long time ago, but that only made things worse, huh?”
Katsuki snorts. “Please tell me you’re kidding and that stupid sentence hasn’t been on your mind till now.”
“Of course not.” Shouto rolls his eyes. “I’ve known you’ve been assigned female at birth since forever. Your ridiculous chest exercises can only burn so much fat and build muscle. You aren’t exactly the person to be shy about your body, either, so I kind of figured you’re trans.”
Katsuki hums and crosses his arms. “And you didn’t say anything, because…?”
Shouto shrugs. “Well, you didn’t say anything about me being gay either, so I didn’t feel the need to.”
“Wow, how generous of you, Todoroki-san,” Katsuki mocks, but Shouto has known him long enough to see past his sarcasm and recognize his emotions based on the look in his eyes. They bicker back and forth like that for a while, at a volume high enough to be comfortable enough for the both of them but low enough so their parents aren’t able to overhear things they’re not supposed to.
After a while, just as Katsuki has taken off his accessories, it suddenly occurs to Shouto that he’s been an idiot. So he takes a breath, and asks, “Hey, Katsuki?”
“What.”
“Would you be opposed to go on a date for real?”
Katsuki stares at him, and the tip of his ears turn red like they always do. Before he can answer though, their parents enter the room again, and as they’re seated again, Endeavor asks Katsuki if he could picture himself going out with Shouto to try things out at first.
Katsuki seems to ponder about the question for a moment, which, Shouto thinks, he’s just doing to unnerve him. He then looks Shouto directly in the eyes and says, “I think that’s a wonderful idea, Todoroki-san.”
And Shouto thinks, maybe Father has done something right for once.