Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first time Isak met Even, he barely remembered his name, barely remembered what his face looked like. He was too busy demanding and commanding Jakob’s attention in the tiny booth they had all crammed into in the dimly lit restaurant.

“What’s up with you?” Jakob whispered in his ear when Isak glared at Olivia for the third time that night, maybe fourth.

“Nothing,” Isak shrugged, digging into his Pad Thai.

He didn’t even like Thai food but there he was pretending to love it. It was so spicy that his face was probably completely flushed.  Great.

“She’s my best friend. You’re being a bit of a dick to her right now,” said Jakob with a hand on the small of his back. Such a gentle touch for such harsh words.

Fuck you.

The truth was that Isak was a little bit jealous of how close Jakob and Olivia were. And it didn’t help that the waitress thought they were a couple while they were waiting to be seated. Isak almost barked a ‘he’s MY boyfriend’, but Jakob’s hand found his waist and settled there right in time.

Isak was annoyed. They were on a double-date with Jakob’s bestfriend Olivia and her new boyfriend Even, or something, whom Isak had barely spared a glance to. He drank until he could ignore the jealousy and anxiety crawling their way into his veins instead.

“So what do you do, Isak?” asked Olivia’s boyfriend.

Why are you asking?

He was a bit drunk, and for a moment he wondered if he had said those words out loud.  I should probably stay quiet.

“Isak is studying to be a Doctor,” said Jakob after the long awkward pause. “What about you, Even?”

“Film. Wanna be a director,” he replied, smiling. He was smiling.

Isak didn’t really pay attention to the rest of the conversation. He hated how insecure he always felt around Olivia. He hated how she had known Jakob for over ten years and how she could finish his sentences. And most of all, he hated how they seemed to be perfect for each other, how everyone around the room knew they were in love with one another, everyone but them.  

Isak wondered if Olivia’s new boyfriend had picked up on it. Probably not, he thought.

Poor bastard.

Isak went out to smoke after that and he hated it. He hated how Jakob had turned him into a smoker. He was going to be Doctor. It made no sense. But he had been so young and impressionable when he met Jakob, so he picked up smoking because Jakob smoked, too. He ate Thai food because Jakob loved it, too.

“Can I have one?” said a deep voice that nearly made him jump in the dark.

It was Olivia’s boyfriend, Even or something, and he had appeared out of nowhere.

“What?”

“A cigarette,” said Even, offering him a kind smile. “I forgot my pack at home.”

Isak stared at him for a little while. He was still a bit drunk and the streets were dark. He could barely discern his facial features.

“I never share my cigarettes,” said Isak, taking a long drag and trying to guess what color was in the tall boy’s eyes.

Even laughed and Isak thought it sounded nice. He didn’t even sound offended. Isak was jealous. That was rude of him and he would have been offended if someone had said that to him. Not this stranger, though. No.

“That’s a bit blunt,” said Even, still chuckling. “You could have lied about it being your last one.”

“I’m a bit blunt,” Isak shrugged. “I would have lied if I thought I’d see you again.”

“You think we’ll never see each other again?” Even asked, moving a bit closer and leaning against the wall next to Isak.

“Yeah. I don’t know.”

“Oslo is small though,” said Even, folding both arms behind his back. “We both go to UiO and our significant others are best friends.”

Isak pressed his back against the wall, threw his head backwards and closed his eyes for a moment. He then took another drag before laughing bitterly.

“Significant others?”

“Well, you know,” Even shrugged.

It was a bit chilly. He hugged himself then suddenly realized that they had left Jakob and Olivia by themselves inside.  Great.

“Isak?”

How nice.

“Can you say it again,” said Isak.

“Huh?”

“My name,” said Isak. “Can you say it again?”

“Isak?” Even looked at him with a confused expression.

Isak nodded.

“Isak,” said Even.

“Again?”

“Isak,” Even repeated with a smile this time.

Isak leaned on his side to look at him and for some reason he smiled right back. He had been nothing but rude and insufferable to this Even guy, yet there he was, smiling at him and comforting him.

“Thanks,” said Isak.

“Uh, sure,” Even replied.

Isak would have probably been embarrassed if he hadn’t been under the influence. But  anyways.

Even didn’t even ask what it was all about.  What a nice guy.

Isak reached for his pack of cigarettes and handed it to him.

“Here,” he said. “You can have one cigarette.”

“Oh wow. I’m honored,” Even laughed.

“You earned it,” Isak shrugged.

“Because I said your name?”

“Because you paid attention to me,” said Isak.

“Oh.”

Isak walked away after that. He had overestimated how drunk he was. He wasn’t nearly drunk enough. He was embarrassed for admitting to a stranger that he wanted attention.

Anyways.

.

Jakob was angry at him for a little while for acting ‘like a child’ at dinner.  A child.  Isak was so upset that he texted Eskild and asked to crash at Kollektivet for the night.

It didn’t help that he lived with Jakob in a one-bedroom. Not practical for fights.

.

Even Bech Næsheim added him on Facebook a week later, and Isak had to make a genuine conscious effort to remember who he was. His breath hitched a little bit when he looked at his profile picture because he was, well, he was gorgeous, and Isak didn’t recall that from their dinner.

But then the room was dark and so were the streets, and Isak had been glued to Jakob’s side the entire time.

Whatever.

Even had left him messages, too. And Isak’s lips actually curled into a smile while reading them.

Even Bech Næsheim

(11:34) Hey thanks for the cigarette

(11:34) Would love to return it to you sometime. If you want.

(11:46) Isak. Isak. Isak. Isak. Isak

(11:46) That was weird. sorry.

(11:47) Anyways. Hit me up if you want me to say your name some more

(11:47) That was really fucking weird. Sorry

(11:48) I’m gonna delete my facebook for the 2nd time now

(12:47) weirdo

(12:48) so blunt

(12:50) they say i wear my heart on my sleeve

(12:51) we’re gonna get along just fine then :)

(12:52) i really want my cig

He accepted his friend request and didn’t think too much about it.

.

Isak couldn’t recall how he became friends with Even. But it happened fast. Way too fast. Isak bumped into him in the cafeteria at uni on a gloomy Tuesday afternoon, and Even invited himself to his table wearing two thousand layers and a bright smile on his face.

“That doesn’t look very good,” said Even, glancing at his pathetic cheese toast.

“It tastes like shit to be honest,” said Isak, scrolling down his instagram feed and laughing at random memes.

“Wanna have some of mine?” said Even, pushing his tray in Isak’s direction.

“You share your food?”

“I share most things. Yes,” said Even.

“That’s very naive of you.”

“This is our first conversation in broad daylight and you’re already hurting my feelings,” Even smiled.

“I used to be like you, kid. But you know what happens when you keep giving? People keep on taking until you have nothing left,” said Isak.

And  wow. Okay.  He didn’t mean to get this deep during lunch.

“Kid?” Even laughed. “I’m older than you, Valtersen.”

“That’s all you got from my very deep statement?” said Isak, letting go of his phone now and giving his full attention to this weird yet comfortable conversation.

They laughed. It was easy. Isak ate Even’s food and Even promised to make him cheese toasties that actually tasted decent. They went outside and smoked after that, Even keeping his promise and handing him a cigarette. It was easy.

“How long have you been with Jakob?” said Even.

“Almost a year. Why?”

“No reason. Was just wondering,” said Even, his fingers long and perfect around the cigarette.

“Are you referring to my bullshit at dinner the other night?” said Isak.

“You’re very blunt,” Even laughed.

“I’ve been told,” said Isak.

.

They started meeting for lunch regularly after that, and Isak quickly realized that Magnus liked Even more than him. He couldn’t really blame him. Even was so easy to talk to and he smiled all the time. It was contagious. It was sometimes outrageous.

Isak was kissing Jakob in bed one night when he started wondering how kissing Even would feel like. He was so overwhelmed that he pushed Jakob off of him and went for a walk. He felt awful for a few days until he saw Even with Olivia by Jonas’ building. They were kissing and Even was smiling into those damn kisses. He couldn’t recall the last time he had smiled into a kiss. They seemed to like each other a lot.

I’m being fucking ridiculous.

.

They bumped into each other at some obnoxious guy’s party and Even dragged him by the wrist to the backyard to share his weed. Isak hated being dragged by the wrist but Even’s fingers were gentle and warm over his pulse.  

“I would never share my weed,” said Isak, watching Even work the joint with his ridiculous fingers. “You’re like a fucking unicorn.”

“I’m only sharing it with you,” Even smiled before licking the stripe of glue through the rolling paper.

That’s hot.

“Why me?” said Isak.

“Cause I like you,” said Even, now tearing the excess paper.

Isak furrowed his brows but couldn’t help the butterflies in his stomach. Any amount of attention made him giddy. From anyone, really. That was how affection deprived he was.

“What the hell?” said Isak.

“I like you,” Even repeated very casually. “You’re chill to talk to and I wanna smoke with you. So I’m sharing my weed with you.”

“Okay,” Isak shrugged.

They smoked on the grass until Isak turned to his side and asked the stupid questions roaming his mind.

“Do you believe in love?” he said, immediately regretting his words.

“What do you mean?” said Even, not a hint of mockery in his voice.

“I personally think it’s bullshit,” said Isak, grabbing the joint from Even’s fingers and bringing it to his lips.

“You don’t love Jakob?”

Isak had no idea why he was having such a conversation with Even of all people. But he was high and they were friends and they were blunt with each other.

“I’m obsessed with Jakob,” said Isak. “But I don’t know if I love him.”

“Uh, okay.”

“What about you and Olivia?”

“We just started seeing each other,” said Even.

“Right,” Isak paused. “You called her your significant other though.”

“I tend to be dramatic sometimes.”

Isak laughed. He liked Even, too. He made him laugh. Jakob no longer made him laugh.

They smoked a bit more after that and talked about the universe and climate change and that Surreal Memes subreddit that Isak loved so much. They talked until the noise from the party started dimming. People were leaving and Isak wondered where Jakob was, where Olivia was, why he had spent his entire night with Even, and why no one had come looking for them.

“You okay?” said Even.

“I think he’s gonna cheat on me,” said Isak.

“Who? Jakob?”

“Yeah. With Olivia.”

“My girlfriend, Olivia?” Even scoffed, now leaning on his elbow and looking at Isak.

“Yeah. I think they love each other,” said Isak.

“What the fuck?”

Isak sighed then rolled over until he was on his stomach. He should have kept that to himself. What if Even ended up doing something stupid?

“I didn’t know he was into girls as well,” said Even.

Isak couldn’t see him but he was surprised that those were Even’s next words, that he didn’t just get up and go look for his girlfriend.

“He’s bisexual,” said Isak.

“Is that why you’re scared that he might cheat?”

“What?”

“The media generally perpetuates the idea that bisexuals are cheaters,” said Even, rolling over on his side so that he could look at Isak, maybe. “If you watch a lot of TV, you might start getting such ideas.”

“What the hell?” Isak turned around to his side to face him.

“It’s a bit biphobic though. Just because he likes guys and girls doesn’t mean he’ll cheat on you,” said Even.

He sounded a bit irritated and Isak felt annoyed. He wasn’t biphobic. He just had eyes and his eyes told him that Jakob liked Olivia more than a friend.

“He likes you a lot,” said Even. “I’m sure it’s all in your head. Olivia and I are going strong, too. You have nothing to worry about.”

“Then why are you here with me instead?” said Isak.

Perhaps wearing his heart on his sleeve wasn’t the best thing sometimes. Perhaps he should go back to repressing and internalizing everything like in the good old days.

“I don’t know. Guess I enjoy your company.”

.

Jakob broke up with Isak not too long after that. And  god,  it hurt. It hurt so much. Isak was devastated. He didn’t cry. He didn’t do crying. And he had seen it coming. But it still hurt. All they did was fight and they only made peace when they were in bed. Still, it hurt so much.

Even Bech Næsheim

15:18

Jakob no more

:)

Shit what happened?

He dumped me

Wtf?

I’m so sorry

He will never find anyone like you?

Yeah right

You’re like perfect

I hope you know that

Stop it before I start catching feels

Lol

:p

What are you gonna do?

Move out?

Yeah i’ll crash with my ex-roommates until i find a place

Let me know if you need help moving stuff

Will do

Are you okay though?

I’ll survive

It’s for the best

❤️

:)

Isak stared at the heart emoji for way too long.  Dumb. Stop being so dumb.

Even helped him carry his things out of Jakob’s apartment and it took them longer than expected. He could have told Jonas and Mahdi and Magnus, but he was too embarrassed. They knew how hard he had crushed on Jakob that previous year. How he had tried so hard to get him. He couldn’t deal with that right now, not with Jakob wearing that apologetic and consoling expression on his face.  I don’t want your pity.

Isak remembered a time when Jakob could only see him. When Isak didn’t have to do much to command his attention. When his eyes just followed him wherever he went.  He got tired of me. Everybody eventually gets sick of me.

Even glared at Jakob the entire time and it made things less hard. His hand was constantly there, squeezing his shoulder, carrying the heavy boxes although Isak was probably stronger. It was so sweet and Isak accepted the kindness, too tired to act rude and jaded.

Even drove him to Kollektivet and helped carry his belongings upstairs and it felt like a waste of time since Isak would have to move again right after that.

.

Eskild and Noora were half in love with Even, and Isak was beyond grateful for his presence because it took the attention off of his breakup. They barely asked him how he was doing, too busy gushing over how tall Even was and how perfect his hair looked.

“I like them,” said Even, laughing while moving the last box to Isak’s temporary room, Linn’s, as she had gracefully agreed to share with Noora for a few days.

“I think Eskild wants to blow you. I would be careful if I were you,” said Isak.

Even laughed so hard and with so much heart that Isak felt his own swell inside his chest. It made no sense but he was grateful for Even’s friendship.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Isak mumbled, his eyes fixed on the floor.  

“My pleasure,” said Even, reaching out to tuck Isak’s hair behind his ear. “Need anything else?”

That gesture.  It made Isak feel things.

“A hug,” Isak blurted out.

He was blunt now. He wore his heart on his sleeve now.

Even hugged him in the middle of the living room and Isak could swear he heard someone gasp around the apartment. He couldn’t bring himself to care, though. It was a good hug. Isak hadn’t been hugged in a while, so he pressed his nose against his neck. His skin. He almost felt like pressing a kiss there. Almost felt like letting his lips brush against the skin there.

The hug ended before Isak could act upon his rogue thoughts. He was heartbroken. Of course he was seeking comfort anywhere he could find it.

“It’s gonna be okay,” said Even.

“I know.”

Even ruffled his hair after that and made him promise to call him if he needed anything.

Isak sulked on the couch after he left and Eskild wouldn’t leave him alone.

“So this Even guy, huh,” said Eskild, playing with his robe.

“We’re friends,” Isak groaned.

“Right.”

“He has a girlfriend,” Isak added, leaning into Eskild’s embrace begrudgingly.

He had stopped pretending he didn’t like to be held when he was hurting.

“Are you sure?”

“What kind of question is that?” Isak frowned.

“He closed his eyes when you hugged in the living room earlier,” said Eskild. “Just saying.”

“So what?”

“It was cute,” Eskild shrugged. “I think he likes you.”

“Shut up.”

.

Jakob never cheated on him, but a week later Olivia broke up with Even. And a week after that, Jakob and Olivia got together. Isak only laughed for a few hours, and when Even showed up to Kollektivet unannounced, Isak hugged him like Even did two weeks before that.

“Fuck love,” said Even after their third or fourth drink.

Isak laughed so hard that he nearly fell off the couch.

“Fuck love?” he repeated, still laughing.

“Yes, it’s bullshit,” said Even, echoing Isak’s words from that one party.

“I thought you didn’t love her,” said Isak, stretching his legs over Even’s lap.

“No, but still. It’s bullshit. Why does everyone hurt everyone all the time?”

“I know right?” said Isak. “And why does society put so much emphasis on like love and shit? Why can’t we just be alone and be fine and happy?”

“Exactly! Why is being with someone considered an achievement in life?”

Isak got off the armrest and high fived him. They were probably being ridiculous.

“Yes! Love is bullshit,” Isak nearly shouted. “I just wanna have sex with randos until I die!”

“Until I die!” Even repeated. “Randos don’t hurt you.”

“Exactly!”  

They laughed until they forgot what they were laughing about while Linn watched them with a confused expression and Eskild sipped on his wine, his eyes going from Isak to Even and then back to Isak.  

“Why do people ask you to move in with them and then change their mind and break up with you?!” said Even.

“Shit. You were moved in with Olivia?” said Isak.

“Yeah.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I’m crashing with some friends now. But I have to look for a place,” said Even.

Even Bech Næsheim

16:18

Found the perfect place

Now i feel like shit for not finding anything when i got dumped before you

Are you even looking?

You’re just lazy

Excuse me but i go to med school

I don’t have the type of time you do

Isak that was very rude and hurtful

What? are you hurt now? awww :O

Dick

:p

<3

Anyways

I found the perfect place

But there’s a catch

?

I need a roommate…

Uh

It’s a 2 bedroom

Okay

Isak Valtersen

What

*gets down on one knee*

Wtf

Will you be my roommate?

You’re the weirdest person i know

Is that a yes

I need to see the place first

I’m in front of kollektivet. Come down

That’s so creepy Even

What? :p

“I actually love it and I actually can’t believe you did all the work for me,” said Isak, already picturing where his TV would go and where he would play Fifa with Jonas.

“Guess it’s great that we got dumped at the same time,” said Even.

“I guess,” Isak laughed. “So how does this work? Where do we sign the lease?”

Even’s eyes got a little bit dark after that and Isak started worrying when he put both hands on his shoulders.

“Before we do that,” said Even. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Even’s stare was intense and his eyes were very blue and his hands were big and warm on Isak’s shoulders. His heart always fluttered when Even touched him for too long. He couldn’t help it.

“What is it?” said Isak.

“There’s something you need to know about me before we do this.”

“Uh. Okay.”

Isak was nervous. His brain went on overdrive and he was suddenly imagining the worst. His thoughts were tumbling inside his head at a rapid pace and Isak couldn’t believe how wild his imagination got sometimes.

“I’m bipolar.”

.

They talked about it a for a while in Even’s car in a random parking lot over cigarettes, and Isak’s heart almost broke when he realized how poorly Even thought of himself, as if his mental illness somewhat defined him.

He could see his mother in him, too. When she was lucid and walked around while drowning in self-loathing. He could see that pain in his eyes, too.

Isak wanted to hug him. So he did.

“I don’t care,” he said, tightening his arms around Even’s back.

“I could start doing weird shit. When I’m manic, I can’t always control what I do. And when I’m down, I don’t leave my room. It can be very stressful living with me.”

“As long as you do the dishes, I’m good,” said Isak, smiling.

“Isak, I’m serious.”

“So am I. I honestly don’t think any less of you as a potential roommate. I’ll give you space when you need it. Just let me know,” said Isak.

“Okay.”

.

Jonas and Mahdi nearly choked when he announced that he was moving in with Even, and it took him a while to catch up.

“Not like that!” said Isak. “Oh my god.”

“Bro, you almost gave me a heart attack!” said Mahdi. “I thought we missed the slowburn part.”

“Shut up!” Isak groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you we’re friends?”

“Bro, you and I are friends,” said Magnus. “Even and you are not friends.”

“That’s bullshit!”

“Isak, you two are always hugging and talking about love,” said Magnus. “You two are basically a lesbian couple.”

“What the fuck?” Jonas groaned. “Magnus, seriously.”

“And he’s always touching Isak’s hair!” Magnus added.

“So what?! It’s just a thing he does sometimes,” said Isak, feeling his cheeks heat up.  Fuck.

“He certainly never does that to me,” Magnus shrugged. “And you know how much I’d like that.”

“Ugh!” Isak groaned. “It’s not happening. Just stop with this nonsense. I don’t want a boyfriend. I never want to be in a relationship again! Even and I are friends. That’s it. And I’m sure he doesn’t even like guys.”

.

Living with Even was nice. He did the dishes and the cleaning and he even cooked breakfast. Living with Even was so nice. Even was so nice. And his body looked so nice, too.

Fuck this shit.

Isak needed to get his mind off of him as soon as possible.

.

The first time Isak brought a guy over, the little shit walked out naked to the living room and made Even fall off his stool in the kitchen.

“I’m Adrian,” Isak heard him introduce himself to Even.

Oh my god!

Isak couldn’t face Even for a few days. He was too embarrassed and he didn’t even know why. He was a grown man after all. He was nineteen and he was allowed to have casual sex. This shouldn’t have been as weird as it ended up being.

On the third day, Even knocked on his bedroom door with breakfast.

“What’s this?” said Isak from where he was curled around himself in his sheets, watching the new Narcos season.

“A peace offering,” Even smiled, walking over to the edge of the bed.

“We’re not at war.”

“Yeah but you haven’t looked at me for days. It sucks.”

“I’m sorry,” said Isak. He meant it.

“We need some house rules though,” Even chuckled, while grabbing a strawberry from the plate he made for Isak.

Even bought fruit for the house and Isak couldn’t believe him sometimes.

“Yeah,” said Isak. “I hope you don’t mind me, uh, like-”

“Bringing guys over?” said Even.

Isak panicked for a moment and he wasn’t sure why. That was exactly what he hoped Even didn’t mind, but being blunt and wearing his heart on his sleeve was getting tough lately. Especially when Even walked around in that comfy sweater and in his bed hair. Isak was a lost cause.

“No. Just like, uh, whatever, forget it,” said Isak.

“Uh, okay,” Even shrugged. “I’ll put the list on the fridge.”

.

House Rules

1. Tell the other when you’re having someone over.

2. That’s it. You can fuck whoever you want. Xoxo.

3. Your hair looks nice in the morning. Not a rule. But it’s important enough to be on the fridge.

Isak hated him.

.

The first time Even brought a guy over, Isak nearly fell off the couch where he was watching ‘The Great British Bake-off’ on Netflix. His eyes went wide and his mouth was hanging open the entire time as he watched Even and a blonde guy with curls stumble into the apartment with their lips latched together, barely breathing.

Isak wasn’t breathing either and he stayed curled around himself on the couch while Even and this random guy made their way to his room, completely oblivious to Isak’s existence and bumping against all of their cheap furniture.

Oh my god.

Isak had no idea the person Even was bringing over was a guy. He had told Isak beforehand that he was making use of Rule 1, but Isak didn’t know Even had sex with guys. He didn’t know he was into guys. He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t unsee how deep Even’s tongue seemed to have wandered inside that guy’s mouth. That guy who looked exactly like Isak.

He couldn’t sleep. His doppelganger was loud in bed and Isak wasn’t jealous. Not at all. He felt like a creep and like a pervert but he couldn’t help but listen in. Even’s moans were low and he wasn’t as obnoxious as Isak 2.0 but it still made his head spin. It still made him wonder who was doing what. Who was straddling whom. Who was blowing whom. It still made him reach down the duvet and curl his fingers around his waistband before shamelessly shoving his hand down pants.

I’m so gross.

Isak made a mess and he hated himself. But  god,  it felt good.

.

He couldn’t really look Even in the eyes the next day. Too scared he might have heard him moan his name while touching himself like some fifteen year old.

“You’re avoiding me,” said Even at the kitchen table.

“No, I’m not.”

Even looked hurt and Isak felt bad. He didn’t like it when Even wasn’t smiling.

“Is it because I brought a guy over?” said Even.

“What?”

“I’m pansexual. I like guys, too.”

Even thought this was about his sexuality.  Gosh.

“That’s not why I’m being weird. Rule 2. You can fuck whoever you want. I co-signed the rules, remember?” said Isak.

“Then why won’t you look at me?” said Even, holding Isak’s gaze for way too long, setting fire to his chest and to other places, too.

Cause I kinda wish it was me. I kinda wish you were fucking me.

“I don’t know. It just took me off guard. I’m sorry,” said Isak.

.

Isak quickly realized that this was becoming a problem, that the awkwardness was replaced by actual tension and weird glances and long staring. Even stopped touching his hair and Isak stopped bringing guys over and went to their places instead now.

They still hung out with everyone for lunch and for the stupid pre-games. They still talked about the universe and smoked joints and cigarettes when they snuck out of parties to go home because they secretly enjoyed each other’s company more. They still did all of that. But whenever it was just the two of them somewhere, breathing became difficult.

.

“Do you still think love is bullshit?” Isak asked one night with his head lying on Even’s lap on their couch.

It took five joints and three beers for his head to end up there. He was a bit high and he just wanted to check.

“I’m not so sure anymore,” said Even, his fingers finally,  finally,  carding through Isak’s hair.

“Is there someone?” Isak asked with his heart in his throat.

“I think so,” said Even, not really looking like at Isak, but stroking his hair still.

Isak was a bit high, so he giggled like an idiot on Even’s lap.

“Why are you giggling?” said Even, now laughing, too.

“I’m not giggling,” Isak chuckled again.

He was happy. Even was probably talking about him. Isak was happy.

.

The next day Even brought Isak 2.0 over and he actually stayed the night this time. Isak was crushed and he didn’t want to hide it. So he glared at Even when he left his room in nothing but boxers the next morning and brushed past him before leaving the apartment.

“Where are you going?” said Even.

“I’m gonna spend the day with Eva!”

“Why?”

“Cause I don’t want to fucking look at you today,” said Isak before slamming the door.

.

“Okay, so Even is basically dating a cheap copy of you and you’re upset,” said Eva.

He couldn’t believe he had actually gone to her place of all people. He didn’t even know why he bothered.

“I’m just dumb,” Isak sighed, stretching his legs over her bed. “I just need to go back to my roots.”

“Your roots? You mean being a ruthless bitch?” Eva laughed, earning herself a kick in the butt with his left leg.

“Did you just do that?” Eva scoffed.

They laughed. Eva always made him laugh. That was why he kept going back to her place when he felt a bit silly and angsty.

.

Isak walked back to his apartment with Even and knocked on his door, wearing a sweater he later realized was Even’s.

“Come in,” Even said.

Isak always went in without knocking, but he had someone now.

“I’m sorry,” Isak mumbled by the doorframe.

“What for?”

“For being a dick this morning and for yelling at you.”

Isak only breathed again when Even smiled.  Finally.

“It’s okay,” he said, tapping the space next to him on the bed with his right hand, gesturing for Isak to come closer.

“I’m not a child,” Isak huffed, crossing both arms.

“For fuck’s sake. Just come here,” Even laughed.

Isak obliged begrudgingly because he was a child and kept some distance between them when he finally sat on the bed.

“Is something wrong?” said Even. “Is school stressful or something.”

Isak wanted to sigh. He wanted to let out a long and deep sigh, but he was being stupid. It was all in  his  head after all. Even never promised him a damn thing. He wasn’t even sure what he felt for Even. He didn’t know if it was actual feelings or if it was just sexual attraction. He knew he was possessive with everyone in his life and that he sometimes frowned when Jonas referred to Magnus as his best friend. He knew he was a bit insecure in general. This was probably nothing but possessiveness, nothing but lust.

“Yeah, something like that,” said Isak.

Fuck love.

.

After being relentlessly pressured by Eskild and Magnus, Isak and Even decided to finally throw a housewarming party. And  god. What a mess  it was.

Their place wasn’t even that big and Eskild could have refrained from inviting hundreds of people. But here they were.

Isak had a headache simply thinking about cleaning up when he passed two girls throwing up in the bathroom.

.

“In our shower, Even! They’re throwing up in our shower!” Isak groaned after dragging him to his room to breathe for a second.

“We’ll clean later,” Even reassured him with a hand on his shoulder. Actually between his shoulder and his neck, right where Isak wanted him.

Isak realized that all Even had to do was squeeze a bit harder for him to moan.  I’m so pathetic.

“I can’t clean someone else’s freaking vomit!” Isak finally managed.

They were standing in his room right behind the door, stumbling a little bit from all the alcohol, and probably being the worst hosts right now. But there wasn’t anywhere else to talk, and his room was the only one that didn’t have people making out and going down on each other. (He had actually locked his bedroom. Yes. No one was throwing up in his room).

Isak only realized that it was probably too dark in his room when he tried and failed to find the blue in Even’s eyes, his crappy desk lamp being the only source of light.

“Fine! I’ll do it,” Even whispered, squeezing his shoulder again, making him weak in the knees again. “I’ll clean up the vomit.”

Even was too nice. It was almost infuriating. But Isak couldn’t even be mad. He just stared at him for a little too long instead.

“What now?” said Even, rolling his eyes fondly.  Fondly.

“You’re too nice,” Isak sighed, curling his fingers around the ends of Even’s stupid striped t-shirt. It was probably Isak’s. “It pisses me off.”

“Excuse me?” Even laughed. “I’m not nice.”

“Yes, you are,” said Isak, nearly pouting, nearly letting his head fall on his chest.  Dammit.  He shouldn’t have accepted those two shots of Tequila Vilde insisted on making him drink. “You make me feel bad for being a brat.”

“You’re not a brat,” Even laughed, his hand moving from Isak’s neck to cup his jaw now. “And I’m not nice.”

What is this.

“Yes, you are,” Isak whispered, not really sure why he was whispering in the first place. He then awkwardly shuffled his feet and pulled at Even’s shirt until their stomachs were pressed together, until he watched his eyes widen in confusion, most likely. “You’re so nice. It kills me.”

“I’m not nice,” Even whispered right back, his eyes darting to Isak’s lips now, halting his breathing and his heartbeats, now.

They were so close that he could smell the beer and the weed all over Even’s breath. They were so close that he could no longer hear Eskild’s crappy music blasting from Jonas’ speakers, the only sound playing in his mind being his and Even’s heartbeats.

He wondered how drunk Even was to be looking at him like that. He wondered how far gone he was to be holding him like that in the dark.

Even would never look at him like that if he were sober, as if he somehow put the sun in the sky. Even would never cup his jaw like that and keep his other hand on his waist like that if he were sober, as if Isak were the only thing he wanted in the universe right now. If he were sober, Even would never. Even simply would never.

Even leaned in and kissed him first. His mouth a sin, his hands a crime. Even kissed him as if he was trying to quench a fire in his chest, and Isak cursed the skies for being drunk. He wanted to remember this. He wanted to feel this and remember every touch, every flick of his tongue inside his mouth.

Isak’s arms were around Even’s neck now and his lips were still on his, big, full, ruthless, taking and taking and taking. They kissed as if they were drowning. They kissed as if they were going to die if their lips somehow ended up parting.

What the fuck.

Isak pressed a leg between Even’s and nearly squealed when he felt his arms on his hips turning him to press him against the wall.

It was filthy. It was hot and desperate and Even actually lifted him a bit on his knee.  Gosh,  it almost hurt now. Wearing clothes hurt. But Isak didn’t care because his fingers were in Even’s hair and he had waited months to finally touch his stupid hair. So if Even wanted to bite his lips and lick into his mouth, Isak would let him. If Even wanted to undress him and take him right now against his bedroom door while Eva was probably throwing up in their kitchen sink, Isak would let him.

Gosh,  Isak would let him do anything to him.

“Even-”

“Isak. Shit-”

Isak was about to do something stupid like kiss him on the cheek with his fingers still in his hair or something, when someone pushed the door open and nearly made both of them fall over. Isak was beyond startled, and he pushed Even off of him with so much force that he nearly tripped.

It was a couple. They were both drunk and they were looking for a dark place to make out, probably. Isak had never hated two people more in his life.

Even was panting and he was panting, too. His lips looked sore and Isak wondered how long they had made out against that door for Even’s mouth to look like  that . But then judging by the spot on the front of his jeans, it was probably for a long time.  Gosh,  Isak was embarrassed. He was drunk and he was embarrassed. But most of all, he was hopeful. He was hopeful because Even kissed him first, because Even licked his mouth first.

So he waited. He held onto the door handle, completely surrendering his room to the couple he hated more than anything in the world, and he waited for Even to say something, anything.

His chest was still rising and falling, his eyes were still wide, and his hands still ached to find their way back to Even’s hair when he spoke again.

“I told you I wasn’t nice,” said Even.

.

Isak didn’t help Even clean because he spent the night with Jonas. He was too humiliated, too crushed. He wasn’t sure why, but he was. And he knew Jonas would lend him pants and a pillow without asking too many questions.

“Everything good?” Jonas eventually asked the next day.

Isak gave him a thumbs up, then curled around himself on the couch again.

Everything’s great.

Isak needed to stop feeling so much all the time. He needed to stop wanting things he couldn’t have. He needed to stop. He had promised himself he wouldn’t feel for someone again because he always ended up getting hurt anyways. Yet, here he was.

They were just drunk and they were physically close when it happened. It made sense. They were both attractive boys who were attracted by other attractive boys. It made sense that they got carried away in the heat of the moment. Isak shouldn’t be making such a huge deal out of it. Even probably thought he was being dramatic right now. It was just a kiss. A very long kiss, but just a kiss, nonetheless. Their friendship didn’t have to be ruined because of one stupid kiss.

Even Roomie

11:07

I’m sorry about last night

Please come home

I’m climbing the stairs

For real?

Yeah open the door

Can’t find my keys

Isak thought it would be more awkward, but it wasn’t. Even hugged him at the door and apologized about twenty one times for ‘throwing himself at him while he was drunk’, each time feeling like a stab to the chest.

Don’t apologize. I wanted it. I wanted it so bad.

“Perhaps we need to update our house rules,” said Even.

.

House Rules

1. Tell the other when you’re having someone over.

2. That’s it. You can fuck whoever you want. Xoxo. (NOT EACH OTHER THOUGH)

3. Your hair looks nice in the morning. Not a rule. But it’s important enough to be on the fridge.

.

Isak watched Even work on his laptop that whole afternoon. He was editing a video for a class with his headphones on their couch while Isak sat on the kitchen table with his chin propped on his folded arms, watching him. He watched his brows furrow in concentration, completely oblivious to Isak’s little glances then later on shameless stares.

Isak watched him with a fond expression and decided that it was sexual attraction after all. He decided that Even was important to him as a friend and that he would never want to lose him. He decided that he was a dumb horny boy and that Even was a hot horny boy. He smiled to himself then decided that he was going to keep it in his pants.

There was no way he could find another person who would be willing to do the dishes and cook him food. There was no way Isak could afford to ruin this by being his usual easily attached and oversexed self. He could keep it in his pants. He could find other hot horny boys elsewhere.

.

Isak became a bit detached, a bit cold. Not with Even in particular, but with himself mostly. He became a bit hard on himself. He focused on his massive books and stopped drinking and partying so much. He focused on learning all his medical jargon and on acing his labs. He focused and he focused and he focused. He then went out on the hunt on weekends, skipping the pre-games and the parties where he knew everyone and going to gay bars instead now, batting his eyelashes at slightly older men now.

They liked his curls. They liked his snapbacks. They liked his skin. They liked his wit.

Isak went to hotel rooms and big houses now. He rode in fancy cars and ordered room service now. Only on weekends, but still. He felt a bit less empty, a bit less alone. This one guy asked him why he was with such an ugly guy like him when he could have anyone. And Isak replied that he just wanted attention, that he just wanted company.

.

“I miss you,” Even blurted out one morning over breakfast.

The breakfast Isak no longer ate because it tasted too good and because it started meaning something to him.

“I’m right here,” he shrugged.

“You’re not here with me,” said Even, and it was so unfair.

“I’m right here with you,” said Isak, and he didn’t mean it.

He was almost disappointed when Even dropped it. 

Isak sought attention and comfort and affection everywhere. But it was Even's he was craving the most. It was Even's he was aching for the most.

Isak dropped the old men.

.

They were playing Fifa on the couch one night and laughing at some stupid meme Isak showed him on his phone when Even kissed him again. This time sober. This time wearing matching gray sweatpants.

Isak couldn’t remember what he did or said to prompt such a reaction. They weren’t even sitting that close and all Isak did was laugh at something Even said. He had laughed very hard, too. Closing his eyes and bringing one hand over his stomach. He was still laughing when Even’s hands cupped his face and when his lips landed on his. Isak briefly wondered if it counted as a smiley kiss. Isak loved smiley kisses.

They were sober, too. And all Isak could taste on Even’s lips was the cigarette he had given him. Isak always gave him one now, whether Even had his pack or not.

Even didn’t lick into his mouth this time, didn’t dig his fingers into his skin. He barely brushed their lips together. He was asking for permission and Isak was conflicted. He hesitated and considered parting his lips and tilting his head to the side. But after managing to form a coherent thought, he pushed him away, making both of their faces drop.

“What are you doing?” he asked. It probably sounded cruel.

“Kissing you,” said Even, his hands still cupping Isak’s face, his eyes blue, blue, blue.

“Why?”

“Because I want to.”

I just-

“You were right,” said Isak, bringing both hands to Even’s where they rested on his face.

“About what?” Even asked with a panicked expression. Perhaps he realized what he did.

“About you not being nice,” Isak bit harshly, shoving Even’s hands away and storming back to his room.

.

“I’m sorry,” Even mumbled by his door frame, dragging Isak out of his deep sleep.

Isak groaned then looked for his phone. It was probably four in the morning and Even sounded drunk.  Awesome.

“What are you doing?” Isak squinted his eyes at the light emanating from the hallway.

“Isak, please forgive me. I’m such a dick,” said Even, slurring his words and looking as if he was about to fall over.

“Even, it’s like the middle of the night,” Isak groaned.

“I can’t stand knowing that I hurt you. Isak, please.”

Gosh.

“You’re so dramatic,” Isak sighed, throwing the sheets off of him. “Come here.”

“What?”

“Just close the door and come here,” said Isak, so sleepy he could have fallen over right then and there.

.

The mattress felt funny with Even’s added weight on it. Sure, Isak had had people over, but with Even, it felt weird. It felt as though he was meant to be there.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Even repeated over and over again.

“Stop apologizing. I just want to sleep.”

“You used to yell at me when I made you mad. And now you just brush everything off. I don’t like it.”

Isak fell silent after that. It was true. He no longer wore his heart on his sleeve apparently.

They were both lying on their sides in his bed, facing each other, and Isak almost wanted to reach out and touch him.

But Even beat him to it. He curled into him and hugged him, then fell asleep in his arms.

.

“What do you want from me, Even?” Isak asked the next day when he woke up to Even watching him sleep.

“I don’t know,” said Even.

.

“I think we should fuck,” Isak blurted out at breakfast then watched Even choke on his fruits.

“What?!”

“I think you and I are very attracted to each other physically and that we need to get it out of our system. I think we should fuck,” said Isak, looking everywhere but at Even and hoping he wasn’t blushing too hard, hoping he sounded like a mature guy proposing a solution to their very obvious problem and not like a dumb horny boy.

“Isak, what the fuck?”

“We can also just, you know, mess around. But we’ll most likely end up having sex anyways,” said Isak. “It doesn’t have to mean anything either. We can just keep being Isak and Even. Best roommates ever or whatever.”

Even blinked at him for a full minute until Isak felt tears gather in his eyes.  God.  It had taken him so much courage to say these stupid words, and now Even probably thought he was out of his damn mind.

“Forget it,” he muttered after turning around.

“Just. Just give me time to think about it,” said Even.

.

It happened in a blink. It was days after Isak had pitched his brilliant idea, and honestly the anxiety and anticipation was killing him. He had almost accepted the fact that he had gotten rejected when Even uttered the most ridiculous words while they were watching a football game on their couch.

Isak was being his usual stressed self while Even poked him with his index finger every once in a while then smiled whenever Isak looked at him.

“Why do you watch sports if it makes you this stressed?” said Even.

“It takes my mind off of things,” said Isak. “And I love Football. I’m the master of Football.”

“Right,” Even laughed then threw an arm behind Isak, playing with his curls and making him instantly relax.

Isak couldn’t help but blush, couldn’t help but feel pathetic again.  Either reject me or take me up on my offer, you dick.

“The players are also hot as fuck,” Isak added, trying to hide the nervousness in his chest.

“That’s true,” Even chuckled.

“Yeah, sometimes I wonder how Marc Bartra would look in my bed to be honest.”

Too much information. Shit

“Funny,” Even laughed.

“What?” Isak turned to look at him. “You wonder about him, too? He’s mine. I’m warning you.”

“Nah,” Even chuckled again. “I only wonder about you.”

Oh.

“In my bed I mean. You in my bed. I only want you in my bed.”

Isak kissed him first. Because  fuck him, that’s why.  He kissed him on the mouth with a hand on his chest right above his heart and the other on his neck. He kissed him hard and he kissed him deep, his knees tucked and pressing against Even’s chest on the couch.

Fuck you. Just fuck you for always fucking with my head.

“Isak, wait-” Even panted.

Great.  It was time for Even to freak out now.

“This means nothing to me, Even,” Isak lied, holding his head in both hands. “Absolutely nothing. This is just sex.”

“That’s a bit blunt.”

“I’m a bit blunt.”

.

They stumbled to Even’s bedroom like idiots, their lips never parting, their clothes falling everywhere as they undressed each other like in the movies. It was probably in his head but Isak could swear Even was smiling against his lips. It was probably in his head but Isak smiled, too. Hoping Even could feel it somehow even though his eyes were shut.

.

It was the most intense sex Isak had ever had, probably. He suddenly understood why Isak 2.0 was moaning so loud. He couldn’t help himself. Even was good. He was too good. Even treated him like a lover. Even treated him like his body was a treasure. Even treated him like he treasured him and peppered him with kisses in places no one had ever kissed him before. Even pleasured him. Even made him feel like he was important, like he put the sun in the sky.

Even also wrecked him and marked him and had him moaning like the world was ending. But that was another story.

They had sex for hours, only stopping to make out for ten minutes at a time, Isak pausing every time to lie to his face over and over again. “This means nothing to me”. They switched, too. Even said he wanted to feel him, too. Even said he wanted Isak to ruin him for anyone else, too. And  gosh,  Isak wanted nothing more. He wanted nothing more.

They made love all night. All night. And later on, Isak realized that it was probably because they thought they would never get to do this again. Never get to feel each other like this again, touch each other and bruise each other and love each other and worship each other like this again.  Gosh.  Isak worshipped him. He did. He kissed and licked his nipples and scratched and moaned and bit and sucked and cried and shook and took and gave and swallowed and he did it all. Isak gave it his all.

“This means nothing to me. Nothing at all,” he lied one last time while straddling Even, both of them exhausted and gross and sweaty and emotional, so emotional.

“Nothing at all,” Even repeated, sounding just as wrecked, just as literally  fucked.

Isak kissed him on the mouth then wrapped both arms around his neck before lying on his chest, only exhaling when Even’s arms locked around his back.

.

Isak woke up before Even and awkwardly made his way back to his room, picking up his clothes off the floor while his chest filled up with shame. He was so ashamed. They had  fucked  all night. And while this was supposed to get Even out of his system, it only made him want more.

I need Jesus.

.

It happened again, and again, and again. Even was stressed before a big deadline and Isak was sick and tired of the frown between his eyebrows in the library that he leaned in and kissed it.

Even’s eyes went wide and Isak was so embarrassed that he did it again. He leaned in and kissed him between his eyebrows again. Then again, and again, until Even cupped his face and pressed their lips together right there on the fourth floor of the library around 20:19 in the dark corner Even had picked so conveniently.

Isak kissed him back with a hand on his chest right over his heart, the usual. And when he realized he was nearly on his lap now, Even having slipped a leg under his thighs, he shoved him gently then stood up to re-adjust the red snapback on his head, feeling flustered and aroused and ashamed.

“I’m gonna go home,” he announced awkwardly.

“Want me to come, too?” said Even.

.

They started undressing each other while climbing the stairs to their apartment this time around. They were idiots. That was what they were and Isak knew it. So when Even lay him on his back on his bed this time, Isak locked both arms around his neck, brought him down to kiss his cheek and his jaw, then flattened his hand on his chest right above his heart before lying to his face again.

“This means nothing to me.”

“Nothing at all,” said Even. "It's just sex."

Lies.

“Just sex.”

.

It wasn’t just sex. Just sex didn’t end in cuddles and hugs and kisses on each other’s foreheads. Just sex didn’t in more sex in the shower, then in Isak shoving a little bit of shampoo in Even’s eyes with his fingers because he sucked a big bruise into his neck when he specifically asked him not to, then in Isak spending the rest of the night apologizing and blowing air into Even’s eyes.

Just sex didn’t involve so much kissing and so much rolling around in bed and so much giggling and laughing and banter. Just sex wasn’t supposed to feel this good. This wasn’t just sex. They were idiots. That was what they were.

.

“You two look well fucked,” said Magnus one morning, making both of them choke on air and nearly die from a heart attack, probably.

“I meant you both missed your morning classes when finals are around the corner,” said Magnus. “Wait what the hell is up with your reactions?”

It was probably Isak’s red cheeks that gave it away, probably. But Magnus shouted in the middle of the cafeteria either way. And Isak didn’t expect anything less.

“You guys are together now?!” said Magnus, nearly jumping.

“No! What the fuck! No!” Isak shrieked. “We’re just. We’re just-”

“What? Fucking?”

Even looked away and Isak couldn’t help but feel his chest tighten. He hated it.

“Yeah,” Isak admitted, then waited for Magnus to scream again.

He didn’t.

“Pfft. We been knew.”

.

Their routine, Isak loved it. Silently riding the bus together now that Even had returned his car to his mom. Even pressing against Isak’s back as they exited the bus, sometimes whispering something ridiculous in his ear like “you’re so fucking hot”. Running from the bus stop to their apartment, sometimes holding hands because what the fuck. Then crashing into one another the moment the door closed behind them. It was their routine. Isak would always place his right hand on Even’s heart, kiss him on the lips, then lie to his face.

“This means nothing to me.”

Like a mantra. Like a ritual. This means nothing to me. When what it meant really was: this means everything to me.

But Isak was Isak. And he couldn’t let this consume him. He couldn’t give this up. He couldn’t afford it. So he hurt Even over and over again. Even who stopped saying “Nothing at all” whenever Isak said “This means nothing to me.”

He hurt Even whenever they went to bed or messed around on the couch. He hurt him every day, every morning when he pecked him on the lips to thank him for breakfast, every afternoon when he kissed him in a random bathroom stall because he missed him, every evening when they hurried to their corner in the library so they could make out because they got too stressed, and every night when he crawled into his bed and wrapped his arms around his chest because he needed to feel him.

It wasn’t even about sex now. Isak said those words whenever they simply kissed and cuddled and hugged in front of the TV. Whenever they were walking in the park and Isak reached out to hold his hand because Even never wore gloves and because it was freezing outside.

Isak repeated those words religiously. Like a mantra. To protect his heart. To protect himself. Because he was an idiot. Because he was a  fucking  idiot who decided that love was  bullshit  when it was all he felt for this stupid tall boy.

Even’s face always fell now when Isak said it. It was probably enough now. He could tell he was being ridiculous, but he didn’t know how to stop. One of these days, Even would dump him and he would deserve it. One of these days.

.

Even didn’t dump him and Isak didn’t get it.

He didn’t get it until Even started looking at him with sad eyes and defeated glances. He looked tired. He looked listless. He looked like a white flag screaming ‘I surrender’. His touches weren’t as urgent. Weren’t as desperate. He looked exhausted. And Isak wondered why. He wondered if it was him. He wondered if he was feeling down because of his bipolar. Isak wondered. He chewed on his pen and googled symptoms online and got called out in the middle of his favorite class for being so absentminded.

He started paying attention, maybe too much attention.  Should he be drinking this much? Should he be smoking this much?

He talked to Magnus because his mother was also diagnosed with bipolar and he felt bad. He felt terrible. He was messing with his mind. And Even didn’t deserve this. He didn’t. Still, Isak was scared. Isak was terrified. He was so tired of baring his heart to people and then being crushed.

.

“Is everything okay?” Isak finally mustered up the courage to ask on the bus on their way to Uni.

“No. I don’t think I am.”

That simple admission made Isak’s heart ache for him. He wished he could be this honest.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I think I’m going to be alone forever,” said Even. “And I think I’m gonna adopt two cats.”

“Why would you be alone forever?” said Isak, suddenly alarmed and scared and feeling bad, so bad.

I’m right here. I will never leave you,  he wanted to add. But he couldn’t. “Are you feeling down? Is it your meds?”

But then Even laughed. He let out that beautiful heartfelt laugh of his and Isak could breathe again.

“No, it’s not because of my bipolar,” said Even.

“Then why-”

“I think I’m lovesick.”

“Lovesick,” Isak repeated, a bit taken aback, a bit out of breath.

“Yeah lovesick,” Even looked at him and smiled.

Even <3

10:04

Why two cats?

It’s the ultimate statement

I’m going to be a cat lady

And die alone

Will never have a boyfriend/girlfriend again

Maybe i should get two cats too

“I can’t sleep,” said Isak, standing by Even’s door in shorts and in the stupid “Love Suxx” t-shirt Eva got him for Christmas.

“Come here,” said Even somewhere in the dark, his voice low and warm and comforting.

They cuddled for a little while because it was snowing outside and because they hadn’t cuddled in ages. And Isak’s cheeks flushed when Even buried his face in Isak’s neck and pressed a kiss on the skin there.

“You’re so nice,” Isak stroked his hair. “So so nice.”

“I hurt you a lot though,” Even mumbled, still hiding in his neck.

“I hurt you, too.”

They hugged so  hard  that it crushed Isak’s doubts and insecurities. They hugged so hard that he felt his toxic thoughts melt away, Even’s arms being strong and steady and warm. Even’s arms being home.

“I’m sorry,” Isak whispered against his skin while Even towered over him now. “I’m so sorry for making you feel like shit.”

They kissed while it snowed outside and it was so sweet, so nice. Isak’s heart was melting and his hand was resting on Even’s chest right above his heart, the usual.

They kissed until Isak remembered that he hadn’t said the magic words for the first time ever. He simply hadn’t and he didn’t even feel the need to. But Even looked at him like he was waiting, waiting for him to break his heart again, his eyes screaming,  “Say it. Say that this means nothing. Say it. I dare you.”

“This means the whole fucking world to me,” said Isak with a hand cupping Even’s cheek while the other remained on his heart. “You mean everything to me.”

It was out there. Alright.

Even kissed him soft and slow. Those toe-curling kisses that Isak loved so much. And they were idiots. Both of them. They were the biggest idiots to ever walk the surface of the earth, probably.

“Say something,” said Isak, his voice hoarse and raw, his fingers curling into a fist.

“Don’t get two cats,” said Even, a big smile on his face, making him bark out a laugh when all he wanted to do was cry.  This boy.

“Why not?” said Isak.

“Because I’m in love with you and I need you to not be a cat lady. Because you always put your hand on my heart when you kiss me and it makes me want to cry sometimes because it’s so so sweet. Because I’ve loved you since I first saw you on the first day of school long before I met Olivia or Jakob or whatever. Because I knew you never shared your cigarettes with anyone but I asked you anyways and you’ve been giving me one every day since. Because I’ve been so scared of hurting you that I never dared to tell you any of this. Because whenever you said that I meant nothing to you all I wanted to say was that you meant the whole fucking universe to me. So Isak, please. For the love of god, please don’t get two cats. Okay?”

.

Even got them two kittens anyways and they were cute as hell. And Isak was only pissed for half a day because there was no way he was going to clean after two kittens. But Even said he would do it, so it was okay. They were cat ladies and it was okay because they were boyfriends now. Because they lived in a one-bedroom apartment now. Because they no longer had house rules now. Because Isak loved his damn kittens now. And because no matter what happened they had each other now.

 Everything to me <3

21:21

hey pretty boy

do you believe in love?

-______-

why are you texting me from the other side of the couch again

cause you're cute

and i love you

and i don't wanna wake our babies

Isak got up, sighed, leaned in just enough so that he didn't crush the two kittens sleeping on Even's chest, and pressed a sweet sweet kiss to his mouth.

"Love you, too."

"You didn't answer my question," Even smiled.

I believe in you, I believe in me, and I believe in us. I believe that wherever we are in the universe, we're always in love. And even if love doesn't exist in some parallel realm, we're still in love. Because that's how dumb we are for each other. You and I. Isak and Even. Even and Isak. We're always in love.