Work Text:
DB: So, guys, we’re here to discuss how we’re going to fit in the latest revelation from George (points at GRRM) into our current season. I know this is one we’ve all been waiting for, so… take it away, George!
GRRM: Thanks, David. So, everyone’s wondered since the start of the books, never mind the show, who Jon Snow’s parents are, and I’ve certainly given enough hints – in fact it’s the leading fan theory – suffice to say, Jon Snow is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark.
Assorted Writers/Producers: “Amazing! I’ve totally won 100 bucks!” “Hah! In your face, Taylor!” “R+L=J forever, suckers!”
GRRM: I’m glad you’re all so excited about it, even if many of you had it figured out. Anyways, Rhaegar kidnapped Lyanna and had Jon by her – I think we should still keep it ambiguous whether it was willingly or not, but-
DW: *Shaking his head* I’m afraid we can’t do it that way, George. It sounds to me like a very offensive scenario.
GRRM: What?
DB: George, Jon is a very popular character. He’s got a huge following. We don’t want him to be the product of rape – that might offend his female fanbase.
DW: Not to mention it might totally ruin his chemistry with Dany. Until now they’ve been giving the ‘family enemies who fall in love’ Romeo and Juliet kind of vibe. Nobody wants rape-incest pairings.
GRRM: …This show has had incest in it since the first episode. In fact, you literally had Jaime rape Cersei after Joffrey died.
DB: Well yeah, George, but they’re Lannisters. They’re the villains. The Targaryens and Starks are the heroes of the series. We can’t have them doing the same thing as the Lannisters – what makes them morally different then?
GRRM: Well, I actually see the whole series as kind of one with no heroes or villains, just characters with different shades of gray, and I think-
DW: Guys, how about this – just throwing it out there: Rhaegar legally married Lyanna
GRRM: I did say we should keep it ambiguous, so that direction is certainly possible. But in the spirit of ambiguity, maybe if he seduced her and then they got married in a Northern ritual, like before a Heart Tree-
DB: Won’t work, he was already married to that other woman – Arya of Doran, or whatever? Anyway, she’s not important. Point is, we can’t have Jon being the product of an illegal affair or Rhaegar cheating on his wife.
DW: Well, what if he divorced his wife? That could work, right?
GRRM: But there’s no divorce in the Seven-
DB: Well, divorce is a very ugly word… people might get turned off by that kind of thing. Remember, Jon has a very wide fanbase. What if he, like, got the marriage annulled or something?
DW: Ooh, yeah, that might totally work. I’ve been reading this book about Henry VIII, and you know, he annulled his marriage to his first wife in order to marry Anne Boleyn? And we all know these books are based on English history, so it totally fits our theme, right George?
GRRM: Well, actually, what he did was dissolve the church and declare himself head of it and rule that divorce was legal, but-
DB: Nah, George, we already had a season long subplot about Cersei fighting against the ruling religion, and it ended with her dissolving the church by blowing up the Sept of Baelor and all the Septons and shit, you can’t go more ‘dissolution’ than that. And we can’t rehash old plot points. But I like the idea, Daniel. How about he just went to a Septon, got his marriage annulled and then married Lyanna?
DW: Yeah, plus it has the advantage of being an Occam’s Razor solution – the simplest solution is the best?
GRRM: That doesn’t make any sense. On what grounds was he dissolving his marriage?
DB: He’s a Prince, George, he doesn’t need any grounds. He just tells the Septon to do it and he does it.
DW: Totally. Also, let’s make the Septon kind of illiterate – that way, if anybody questions how it happened, we can say the Septon had no idea what he was doing, but Rhaegar and Lyanna still thought it was legal.
DB: Nice. Hanlon’s Razor – ‘never attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity’, and all that. Oh! That also explains why nobody ever found it out! He probably wrote their names wrong, like ‘Roger and Leanne’ or something. My spellcheck does it to me all the time.
DW: Awesome. Okay, but how will we reveal this?
Anonymous Screenwriter: Um, well, we have Samwell in the Citadel, and he’s not doing much this season… maybe there are marriage records there, and he discovers it?
DW: Now that’s creative thinking. I like it – keep laying it on me.
Anonymous Screenwriter 2: So I was thinking – we haven’t seen much of Gilly. Maybe she’s looking at marriage records because she wants to learn about it so she can marry Sam, and she finds it by accident, and she has no idea what it means?
DB: You are on fire today. That lets us keep it hidden in-show until we want to do a dramatic reveal, but all the fans will be very happy – we’ll probably be trending on the internet for at least a week. And since next episode there’ll be some awesome fight scenes and White Walkers, that’ll take care of the next week.
DW: All right, I think we’ve got it. This was good, this was really good. Any final thoughts, George?
GRRM: I really liked that quote of yours, David. ‘Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to stupidity’. I think I’ll be using it real soon.