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A year ago Jungkook would have pushed Jimin away, purposely closing himself off from Jimin’s affection. But as he watched him play with Hoseok on the set for their new music video, he felt sad that Jimin wasn’t next to him, bugging him like he always used to.
He wasn’t jealous of the other members. Not at all. He was more upset at himself. Angry for rejecting Jimin all those times when now all he wanted was his attention. He had been so selfish.
He doesn’t remember when he started craving Jimin’s touch. After the promotions for War of Hormone were over Jimin had started pulling away. He watched Jimin seek the attention of Taehyung and Hoseok and Namjoon and pretty much anyone who wasn’t Jungkook.
It hurt. But Jungkook couldn’t be mad at Jimin. It was his own fault.
He regretted all the times that he pushed Jimin away, rejected his kisses, ranked him last in looks. It was a joke and admittedly Jungkook had gotten annoyed with Jimin’s overwhelming amounts of attention. Now he would do anything to get it back. But he refused to acknowledge why.
x
Jimin didn’t wait for him to finish filming his scenes in the music video. He really wished he would. Jimin was the type of guy to do that sort of thing. But he didn’t this time. Jungkook had to go home alone.
When he got home he went to Jimin, Hoseok and Tae’s room, hoping for them to cheer him up a bit. They played games all night but Jimin didn’t snuggle him like he used to. Instead he felt Tae snuggling up to him. He liked it, it was nice to get attention from anyone. But he couldn’t help but wish it was Jimin running his fingers through his hair.
x
“Kookie wake up,” he heard a soft voice say to him in the morning. He opened his eyes and saw Jimin looking down at him with his cute new haircut. It was shorter than his usual mop. Jungkook liked it a lot.
“Hi,” he said with a smile.
“We have to go to practice. Our comeback is soon,” Jimin said. Jungkook didn’t want to get up. if he did, they would go to practice and Jimin would be off with the other members, ignoring Jungkook once again.
“Hyung feel my forehead. I think I'm sick,” he lied. Jimin looked concerned as he walked over and put the back of his hand on Jungkook’s head.
“You feel fine?” he said, looking at Jungkook with a concerned expression.
“Ah. I must be tired. Will you get me a glass of water?” he asked. Jimin nodded and went out to the kitchen.
He felt bad for lying. But really he needed this time with Jimin. He couldn’t explain why but he really wanted it more than anything. Jimin came back with the water and he sat with Jungkook while he drank it. But Jungkook ran out of excuses to keep him there. They had to go.
x
Jungkook was alone in the practice room. Comeback was in three days. He needed to be perfect. He didn’t have any idea what time it was, but he knew it was late. He definitely wouldn’t be getting much sleep. His muscles ached and he was sweating like crazy, white t-shirt transparent against his skin.
He heard the door creak open. He was pretty surprised when Jimin emerged.
“Hi. I brought you some food. You didn’t come back for dinner,” Jimin said showing Jungkook the box of food in his hand.
“Not hungry. I have to diet hyung,” he said, turning back to face the mirror. Jimin went over to the stereo and stopped the music.
“You are already really thin Kookie. Please eat,” he said. Jungkook snorted.
“You’re one to talk. Have you even eaten at all today?” Jungkook asked. It came out a lot more harsh than expected. Jimin smiled, but Jungkook could tell it was forced.
“The difference is that I could stand to lose some weight. You are already too thin. You have to eat so you don’t go to the hospital,” Jimin said.
Jungkook clearly wasn’t thinking straight when he pinned Jimin against the mirror. “Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Jungkook said in a low voice. Jimin was shocked. Jungkook could see it in his eyes. He pulled away from the mirror, letting Jimin move again. He sat down and opened the food Jimin had brought.
Jimin tried to leave. “Don’t you dare. Sit down. You’re sharing this with me,” Jungkook said. He knew he shouldn’t be talking like this with someone older than him but he couldn’t help it.
Jimin did as he was told.
x
Their comeback went better than smooth. Their song had gotten a lot of attention and they even got their first win ever. Jimin had cried after one of them, Jungkook couldn’t help but smile. He was too cute. There was so much happening that Jungkook had almost forgotten about his problem with Jimin. But there were the few times backstage when he had tried to get his attention and failed. Those moments still hurt.
They were on a radio show after their comeback. Jimin looked adorable in his red shirt. Jungkook wanted to pick him up and snuggle him all day. He was lost in those kinds of thoughts when he heard the host say, “So Jimin really likes Jungkook? Why do you like him so much?” Jungkook looked at Jimin. It was embarrassing to be called out like this.
Still he couldn’t keep the smile off his face when Jimin looked back at him. He tried but he failed. It felt like the only eye-contact they had in a month.
"It’s not that I like him, it’s just that I think he’s really cute,” Jimin answered. It was the answer he expected from Jimin. It made him feel good. Loved. He missed when Jimin would call him cute 24/7.
His happy moment was interrupted when Taehyung said, "I think Jimin likes men.” The comment made Jungkook’s belly feel funny.
"I don’t like you,” Jimin said in retaliation. Jungkook didn’t know why he was comforted at the fact that Jimin hadn’t entirely declined liking men.
x
Their follow-up song had gone over amazingly as well. Jungkook could feel them getting more popular every time they came back. But Jimin still kept his walls up. He wasn’t allowing Jungkook back in. It was driving him insane.
His hair was bright red now. The cuteness from the last comeback was replaced by sex appeal. It made him want to touch Jimin even more.
He couldn’t ignore it any more. It was obvious he was attracted to him. Who wouldn’t be? But coming to terms with the fact that he was sexually attracted to a man was hard to deal with.
He found solace in making Jimin laugh. It was the only way he could really get any attention from him. He would do the silliest things just to see Jimin’s reaction. He would laugh so hard he would buckle over and Jungkook could see tears coming out.
It wasn’t what they used to be but it was better than before.
Jungkook laid in his bed, thoughts of Jimin’s smiling face flooding his mind. He had such a pretty smile, and his eyes were even prettier. He didn’t realize he had been smiling until Namjoon said something.
“What are you thinking about? Must be good with that grin on your face,” he said. Jungkook figured if there was anyone he could tell, it would be Namjoon.
“Hyung I have a big problem,” he said. Namjoon hummed to give him a sign to continue. “Well…I kind of…am attracted to someone,” he said.
“That doesn’t sound like much of a problem Kookie,” Namjoon said. Jungkook was finding it more difficult to say than he thought.
“Well you see…it’s not a girl that I'm attracted to,” he said, not even looking at Namjoon for a reaction. He thought his heart was pounding loud enough for Namjoon to hear across the room.
"I see. That is difficult,” Namjoon said.
“What should I do?” Jungkook asked. He needed help desperately.
“Well, I think even if it was a girl, there would be a lot of risk of a scandal. You should just keep it to yourself I think. For the group,” Namjoon said. But he’s in the group Jungkook wanted to say.
But he didn’t.
x
However Jimin continued to warm up to him. The touchiness that used to be there was gone but at least Jimin wasn’t avoiding him like the plague anymore.
They were dancing together in the practice room, preparing for the upcoming tour. It was just the two of them. It made Jungkook’s heart beat fast, and not just because of the dancing.
They were practicing no more dream and when the part came up where Jimin lifts his shirt Jungkook couldn’t avert his eyes. He ended up tripping on his own feet. Jimin yelped and rushed to his side.
"I'm fine don’t worry about it. I just slipped,” Jungkook said.
“Am I that drop-dead gorgeous?” Jimin said with a wink. It was a joke, Jungkook knew it was. A bad one at that.
“Yeah, I think I want a bite of your chocolate,” he said back. Jimin was on the floor laughing.
It made Jungkook happy.
x
When they left for tour, something was different again. Jimin wasn’t avoiding him, but he caught him looking at him with a sad look in his eyes more than once. Jungkook didn’t understand it. He wanted it to stop.
Jungkook kept up his goal of making Jimin laugh, but that too had altered. He found himself making more flirtatious jokes and patting Jimin’s butt whenever he got the chance. He had also layered on the compliments, taking every chance he got to call Jimin pretty. He liked the giggle and smile that he got in return.
They ended up rooming together in one of the tour locations. Jungkook was both nervous and excited. When they got to the room Jimin jumped on to the bed like a kid. Jungkook laid down on the other bed and shut his eyes. It felt good to be in the hotel after a day of travel.
He felt the mattress dip next to him. He opened his eyes and saw Jimin laying down next to him, looking at him expectantly.
“What?” he asked.
“Jungkookiee, hyung is tired and sore. Give him a massage?” he asked with a pout. It was well known that Jimin loved Jungkook’s massages. And Jungkook couldn’t say no to that face.
“Sure hyung. Roll over,” he said.
He did NOT expect Jimin to take off his shirt before laying on his stomach. But why wouldn’t he? They should be comfortable around each other by now. Sexual attraction probably didn’t even cross Jimin’s mind.
Jungkook straddled Jimin’s thighs and started massaging him. The noises that left Jimin’s mouth were not having a good effect on him. Every time Jungkook hit a tight spot Jimin would groan deeply and it was doing things to Jungkook that he would very much like to keep private.
Not to mention Jimin’s skin was so soft and he was so…toned. He rolled off of Jimin when he felt enough time had passed and hid himself under the blanket. Jimin pouted.
“That was too short,” he said, putting his shirt back on.
“You’re too short,” Jungkook said back. Jimin whined and jumped on top of Jungkook, straddling his thighs and hitting his chest. Jungkook was laughing a lot and he almost didn’t have the strength to grab Jimin by the wrists and flip their positions. Almost.
“You’re such a brat,” Jungkook said looking down at him, pinning his wrists to the bed.
Then he noticed their position. Jungkook was in between his legs, pinning him to the bed. It was suggestive to say the least. Jimin clearly had not taken note of this. He was too busy laughing and struggling.
Jungkook looked down at him with fondness. He felt Jimin go lax in his hold.
“Kookie, get off. You’re mean,” he cried. Jungkook didn’t answer, he just looked into Jimin’s eyes. They were so pretty. He moved a little closer to him.
“Jungkook?” Jimin said again, very quietly this time. Jungkook leaned in closer, their noses touching now. Jimin’s breath was shaky.
“What are you doing?” he whispered. Instead of answering Jungkook moved down to Jimin’s jaw, kissing it gently. He kissed down Jimin’s neck and he bit down when he felt Jimin’s back arch up into him. he heard a soft moan leave Jimin’s lips.
He moved his head back up, their lips barely separated. He gently bit Jimin’s bottom lip, and when he let go Jimin grabbed his hair and pulled him back down roughly.
Jimin kissed him eagerly and Jungkook returned the enthusiasm. It felt so good to finally do this. Jungkook had never wanted someone so bad. He felt like he had been starving for weeks and was finally given what he needed.
He let himself touch Jimin all over. His thighs, his butt, his stomach, everywhere. He tugged on Jimin’s shirt.
“Why did you put it back on?” he growled into Jimin’s mouth. But he didn’t get a response. instead he felt something wet on his cheek.
When he heard Jimin sniffle he knew. Jimin was crying. He pulled away to look at his face, but Jimin covered it with his hands.
“Jimin? Whats wrong?” he asked. He was so concerned. Had he done something that Jimin didn’t want? What was the problem? He thought Jimin had been enjoying it.
Jimin just cried harder. "I can’t do this,” he said through the tears. Jungkook could feel his heart breaking. But he didn’t fight it.
“Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. I'll go see if Taehyung wants to switch rooms,” he said.
And he left.
x
Jimin went back to avoiding him after that. He didn’t blame him. Jungkook hated himself. And what he hated more was that it clearly wasn’t just physical attraction. He loved Jimin. He wanted him. All of him, not just his body.
The rest of their tour had been awkward. They couldn’t even keep eye contact. It was so much worse than the last time Jimin had avoided him.
But Jungkook couldn’t forget the feeling of his body and lips on Jimin’s. It was the best feeling in the world. But apparently it was one sided. He had never seen Jimin cry so much before. He barely ever cried.
When they got home Namjoon pulled him into their shared bedroom. He looked utterly pissed.
“What the hell is going on between you and Jimin?” he asked. His frustration was evident in his voice.
“What do you mean?” Jungkook tried to play dumb, even though he knew it wouldn’t work.
“You know exactly what I mean and I want to know. Right. Now.” he said. Jungkook took a deep breath.
He told Namjoon everything. From Jimin being the guy he was attracted to to what happened in the hotel room.
"It’s my fault,” Jungkook said. Namjoon sighed.
“This is a lot,” he said, “but you better fix things with Jimin. This is affecting the whole team. We have to do what it takes to keep us together.” Jungkook nodded. This wasn’t just about the two of them.
He needed to fix things for good.
x
Another comeback was coming. Which meant more practice, more dieting and more stress. Jungkook had tried talking to Jimin several times but he could never get more than a few words out before Jimin found something to take his attention away.
The day before comeback he managed to catch him.
“Jimin we need to talk,” he said. They were in the practice room alone. Jungkook blocked the door. Jimin couldn’t run this time.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he said. His hair was orange. It made him look beautiful.
“We both know thats a lie,” he said. Jimin started laughing then. But it wasn’t the sweet sound he was used to. It was almost mocking. Jimin lost it on him.
“You know what I want to talk about? How you constantly use me whenever you want and then discard me when I need you. You want to touch me and talk to me and use me but only on your terms. You never stop and think what I might want. You never stop to think that maybe your actions could hurt me. So I'm sorry if I don’t want to coddle you right now and make you feel better.”
Jungkook could feel his tears prickling the corners of his eyes. He tried his best to hold them back but it was too late. They streamed down his face, more than he had cried in months, maybe years.
Jimin was right. he was selfish. he tried so hard to break down the walls Jimin had built up that he never considered that Jimin had built them for a good reason. He was sobbing now, crouching on the floor.
"I'm so sorry Jimin. I'm so so sorry,” he said. He repeated it over and over. Jimin stood in place, watching him, saying nothing.
"I haven’t been able to think properly since that night at the hotel. I know I fucked up. I'm so so so sorry,” he continued. He couldn’t see Jimin through his tears. He could hardly breathe.
He sat down and leaned against the door, crying into his hands. He heard Jimin’s footsteps move across the floor and he felt Jimin sit in his lap. He grabbed Jungkook’s cheeks and started wiping the tears away. Then Jungkook felt his lips on his cheeks, then on his lips for a few quick kisses. Jungkook kissed back weakly.
When Jimin started to deepen the kisses Jungkook pushed him back gently with by his shoulders.
“Don’t do this just to make me feel better. You don’t have to do this. Not again,” Jungkook said. He got a good look of Jimin now. It was obvious that he was crying too.
"I'm sorry Kookie,” he said. Jungkook pulled him in for a tight hug.
“Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong. I should have taken care of you better,” Jungkook said, carding his fingers through Jimin’s orange hair. They stayed like that for a while, just being in each other’s hold. It was comfortable.
It felt better.
x
Following that night things felt healthier again. Namjoon had thanked him because obviously Jungkook had fixed it in time for their comeback. Their promotion schedules went smoothly and Jimin hadn’t just stopped avoiding him, he started seeking Jungkook out again. He was hugging him and loving him again, and Jungkook was allowing the contact to be on Jimin’s terms, just like Jimin wanted.
But once promotions were over they didn’t get much of a break. It was award show season.
Jimin had a solo on this particular show. It was obvious he was nervous. Jungkook squished his cheeks and assured him that he would do fine. And he did. He looked gorgeous on stage during rehearsal, doing the type of dance he had always been so embarrassed about. Jungkook felt so much fondness and pride for him.
Before they went on stage Jungkook saw Jimin standing, watching the current group perform a slow song. Jungkook crept up behind him and put his hands on his waist, moving slowly with the music. Jimin turned around and smiled at him briefly before turning back around. He took it as an okay for the contact to continue.
They danced like that for a while, swaying gently. But Jungkook wanted to be closer. He pulled him closer at the same time as Jimin leaned back. Apparently he wasn’t the only one who needed to be close. Jimin giggled lightly.
Jungkook whispered in his ear, “You look really good tonight.” Jimin giggled again.
“Apparently. You can’t keep your hands off me,” he said. Jungkook suddenly got worried.
“Do you want me to stop?” he asked.
“No way,” Jimin responded. When he felt Jimin push his butt harder against his crotch he wanted to take him to the most private area he could find and fuck him so hard he couldn’t walk. But he knew he couldn’t. He would have to settle for this.
x
Jimin’s solo was beautiful. Jimin was always beautiful.
x
They were the last ones to go to bed at the dorm. They were watching some anime when Jungkook slid closer to Jimin.
“You have some nerve riling me up like that before we went on stage,” he said. Jimin hummed happily, not even bothering to face him.
"I don’t know what you mean,” he lied.
“God you’re a tease,” Jungkook groaned. Jimin giggled. He was giggling a lot these days.
He turned his head and looked at Jimin for a bit.
“You’re beautiful,” he said without thinking. Jimin looked at him with wide eyes and red cheeks. "I mean it. You’re gorgeous. And your solo was gorgeous,” he continued.
“Thank you,” Jimin said quietly. Jungkook didn’t miss the smile that Jimin was trying to hide behind his hand. They continued watching tv for a while.
"I love you,” Jungkook blurted out, unable to keep it inside any longer. Jimin didn’t say anything for a long time.
"I love you too.”