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Ryan was standing in front of the mirror in his elaborate and overly expensive house. He can’t remember why he’d bought it in the first place, he’d been happy slumming with Pete but Pete had Patrick now, so Ryan had moved out and decided to buy a house that was too big and too empty for him.
He can’t recognize the person in the mirror, it’s not someone he knows or even remembers seeing somewhere before. Wait, he kind of recognizes that face, maybe he’s seen the guy in a newspaper before, one of those models that wear expensive clothes have adventurous lives.
And yet, as he struggles to stand upright, wiping the white from his nose, Ryan can’t remember his life being adventurous. He knows it’s lonely, has known it for a while and he can’t figure out why he’s not doing anything to fix it. Where was Spencer when Ryan needed him?
Oh yeah, he’d pushed him away when Ryan had gotten tired of answering all those questions. But even that hadn’t worked as magnificently as Spencer walking in on him doing something he’d promised he’d never do, an addict just like his dad; what did it matter that the substances were different? He hadn’t gone after Spencer because what was the point? It was in his DNA to be like this, why fight something that’s genetic.
So he’d stayed back but not before saying things to Spencer he didn’t know he was capable of saying and when he’d heard the door slam, even that didn’t make him stop from going back to what his dna was telling him to do.
But tonight, tonight he feels like there’s going to be a change because never once in his whole life had he not recognized himself in the mirror, refused to acknowledge that the person looking back at him was Ryan Ross, famous model and addict to boot.
He’d still gone hand and made sure to take a hit before leaving for Gerard’s show; he didn’t want to go but Mikey had called and Ryan never did learn to say no to Mikey Way. So he’d made that unfamiliar face in the mirror look pretty and dressed up in clothes a handful of people could afford and he’d left the house.
He hadn’t known it would be the night he’d finally decide to fix himself.
By the time he’d reached the venue, Ryan had started sweating and his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. The cab driver had taken one look at him and asked if he needed to be taken to the hospital instead. Ryan had refused and instead given him a $100 note, telling him to keep the change.
By the time he’d reached the men’s room to clean himself up a bit even standing straight was a struggle, there was no way he could have walked out and socialized. The rest of the night was a blur, the only thing he remembered were strong hands holding him up, never letting go; the warmth of that embrace was what was grounding him.
It was only waking up in a stranger’s house with no recollection of how he got there that Ryan had finally started to realize there was something wrong.
When he experienced his long overdue breakdown over the many things he’d ruined in his life so far, Spencer, Pete, himself, all the while being held by someone he’d just met – that was when Ryan decided he needed to get his life under control.