Chapter Text
It was a long time coming, and never I have been prepared for it. I was awe-struck by his beauty. But I know that expecting him to act as if he knows me is a mere dream but it still breaks me... because I never stopped loving him.
Taehyung was running. He ran more when he saw the yellow mailbox. They painted it when they were still six and they continued to re-painting it every year. Jimin thought that it reminded them how beautiful there first summer together was. That even Hoseok who's a year older than them said that it portrayed their smiles, when he moved in their neighborhood next to Jimin's house and became their best bud. Everyone agreed and said that the three of them symbolized the sunshine. Yet, Taehyung was running because one of the sunshines was starting to loose he's shine. He arrived at the doorstep and heard Jimin's brother. He can hear the subtle cry of his best friend. He breathed in and calmed himself when he knocked at the door. The woman who opened it for him was Jimin's mom, who was also trying to control herself from bursting into tears. He loved that about his friend's family. They were so closely knitted. They were so loving that even after they found out that their eldest son broke the social standards and was been in a taboo relationship, they just smiled and let their son know that he's loved. And seeing their son in that kind of state, must be heart-breaking.
As Jimin's mom instructed him to walked into the living room, he can heard the loud bursting of hate from Jihyun's mouth.
"Seriously hyung! I will kill that jerk. He should have known what he's doing is a suicide!"
Jimin just continued to cry. He looked more frail. Taehyung stopped in front of a couch where Hoseok was sitting, their friend in his embrace. Taehyung began to get eaten by his guilt. He was the one who pushed Jimin to confess. Those words were still ringing inside him.
"Jimin, it's now or never. This is our last year and if you will not do something, you will just wake up one day and everything you wished for didn't come true."
He was so frustrated to see his best friend pining over a guy who was also pining him. He saw everything. He saw Jungkook who's in the same year as them, staring at Jimin with longing. And seeing his naive friend crying just because he saw that Jungkook accepted a girl's confession behind the gym, solidified his stand that he should do something for the two.
"Please Jimin. Just confess to him. Everything about him screams that he likes you!"
"No he isn't Tae. He's straight. He accepted a girl's confession and now they will start dating."
His guilt was eating him. He was not a good friend. It was like he was the one who pushed his friend at the top of the hill.
"Tell me where is he! Hyung, I will kill him. That bast--"
"Jihyun. Stop. Taehyung is here." Their mother calmly uttered. Jihyun faced Taehyung and the younger's furrowed eyebrows began to get deeper.
"Look! Tae-hyung. This is what you did. I was right all along. That guy was a mistake."
"I didn't expec--" he looked at the floor, controlling his tears.
"Of course you will say that. You just wanted them to be happy. Well look at this!" Jihyun pointed at Jimin. "Look how happy my brother is when we saw him..." Jihyun's started to stutter. His words. Tears started to fill his eyes. "Drowning... himself at the tub." It also broke his heart talking to his Tae-hyung like this. But he can't control his anger when he saw his brother miserable because of a relationship. He cannot do something but to blame his brother's best friend.
"Jihyun-ah. That's enough." Jimin's mom slowly walked to Jihyun and hugged the crying kid. He was still a kid after all. It broke her heart to see his sons like this.
Taehyung reached out to Jimin slowly. He's now a crying mess. Hoseok silently cried and reached the top of Taehyung's head. He knew that it's true. Taehyung pushed the shy Jimin to confess after months of crying. Everything went well after. Jungkook also confessed that he likes their friend and started dating secretly. Secretly. Jungkook can't come out because he was very famous. Lots of people looked up to him because he's their football
team's captain and parents who are respected and are member of the 'we-hate-LGBTQ-theyshould-be-banished'. And because Jimin was very kind, he accepted it. It was great to see their friend happy. They also saw how Jungkook was happy.
That's why it was a surprise to them when Jungkook arrived at the graduation ball with date. A girl. Jimin was so devastated and drank different kinds of liquor. The drunk Jimin went to Jungkook and asked for an explanation why he brought someone else. When one of his teammate asked Jungkook why the nerd-shy-uncool Jimin knows him and was talking to him, Jungkook said,
"Of course I don't know this nerd."
"Hey! What are you doing Jungkook?" Asked Taehyung.
"What are you talking about Jungkook?" Jimin asked looking straight at his boyfriend.
"Dude, are you sure that you don't? He's acting like your boyfriend." And that was the cue. Cue to a laughing and insulting crowd. Hoseok saw the panic in Jungkook's eyes and the next words that was uttered by Jungkook forced Hoseok to launch forward and punch him.
"What?! Are you kidding me? This nerd? My boyfriend? You're so disgusting. He must be delusional. Getting drunk and confessing all his delusions about me. Disgusting fag!" He directed every words to Jimin's breaking heart.
Even though it broke their hearts, no feeling can be compared to what Jimin must be feeling. No one can understand how he felt when he entered his bathroom, wearing the necklace given by Jungkook. What he was feeling when he sat in the tub. What he felt when he opened the tap and water slowly filling up the tub. What he felt when he closed his eyes and accepted that everything will meet it's end.
"I love you Jimin. You don't know how much I love you. I... I never felt anything like this before." Jungkook cupped his cheeks using his warm hands. Looking through his eyes. Sending his love to Jimin.
"Thank you Jimin for understanding my place."
"Of course Jungkook, because I love you."
"I love you too."
And they sealed the moment as their lips met each other's.
Oh, dear please. Let's go out. You will not get better if you will only stay inside." Jimin's mother pleaded while her husband rested his hands on her shoulder. She sighed and closed her eyes. Tears began to swell again. It was a week ago when Jimin tried to end everything. His best friends tried to make him feel better but still failed. Jihyun who lost his temper, apologized to Taehyung and the elder just embraced his friend's brother while comforting that it was fine and he understood why he did that.
Jimin only stayed inside his room. Hidden under his blankets. It was already summer but he stayed home. Afraid that he will see Jungkook and his date from the time they last met each other. Afraid of the people who will only throw insults and judgments towards him. Yes, he knew that he was loved by his family and friends. But no one can blame him. He's still a fresh graduate from high school and undergoes the phase where people's thoughts have a great impact in life. He's very famous in school. He was the their "school's nerd" but no one bullies or treated him like a "loser." It was kind of ironic but it was like almost everyone admires him. He was very polite, charming and intelligent. No one picked on him. Maybe because he's one of the school's pride. The teachers, staffs and even the principal were good to him and protected him. But of course life has it's ups and downs. He maybe not a loser but he's definitely not a cool person, based on what certain group of people said.
Students from the sports team were in a different level of famous. They were all beautiful. A lot of people looked up to them. They were so popular that every student in their school knows a secret or two about them. It was like they were the celebrities inside this social kingdom. And in that kingdom's core, a king was seated. That king, it's Jungkook. The football team was definitely the school's pride. Ever since Jungkook joined the team, they never experienced defeat. Now that Jungkook's words spread throughout the school, he will never be able to look at his classmates, schoolmates, school staffs, teachers and principal who were now certainly disgusted at him. After that night, Jihyun grabbed his phone and they disconnected their internet connection to avoid Jimin seeking to his social accounts. Jimin decided that it was fine. But nothing will be able to hurt him more than Jungkook's piercing words. The same lips that uttered words of love was the same lips who cursed and insulted him.
The telephone at the living room suddenly rang and it was his father who answered it. Jimin's mother curiously looked at her husband when she saw how his lips tighten into a line. Her curiosity was answered after her husband hanged up the call.
"They want to talk to him."
"Jimin, is this true?" Asked the principal. They were inside the principal's office. Jimin was seated between his mother and father and across them were his homeroom teacher and the school counselor.
"Jimin, we wanted to know the truth. The..." the principal started and looked at his homeroom teacher first before he continued, "the universities that were offering you scholarships, backed out."
His parents looked up and as his mother opened her lips, the homeroom teacher beat her to it.
"Those students who were present at the ball, well, we think they must be jealous of your son." The teacher wanted to add, 'of course, they were jealous of Jimin. Who will not be?' but stopped himself. She, herself was also surprised but will never be disappointed with the student who did his best in everything. It still hurt her to know that there were people who hurt Jimin. She treasured Jimin as her own. "They told their parents which we think were influential and those parents were in rage. Talking about people who chose their sexual preferences--- are, well---uhmm--"
"Disgusting and should be killed?" Jimin continued.
After Hoseok launched a punch on Jungkook's face, his teammates held him and helped their captain to stand up.
"You, asshole! Are you fucking with us now?! What!? Disgusting?!" Hoseok shouted. In rage on how Jungkook was able to say those words to someone who he's inlove with.
"You! What are you doing. We were just joking dude. Why are you serious? As if like it's true." Everyone saw how Jimin's body turned into ice. Everyone felt the strange atmosphere and they exchanged looks.
"You--You're gay?!"
And it's the cue again. All the insults.
"Wow! The school's nerd is fucking fag!"
"He's so disgusting!"
"I can't believe that I tried to be friends with him."
Everyone was looking and picking on him as if his someone in an open market. But even in this situation he looked at Jungkook and hoped that he sees something. That he will see that he's sorry as if saying that 'please understand it. Believe that I love you', but there's none. He was just standing there, at the center of the social kingdom, throwing stones until he's dead.
"Jimin, son. Don't say that."
"No, it's alright. I understand. I apologize for all the troubles."
"Jimin--" his teacher calls as he stands up and opened the door to get out of the room.
"It's alright. Give him some time." The principal stopped the teacher and looked at his parents. "This will be very hard. But please remember that whatever happened, what we think about Jimin will be the same. But of course the rest of the world is different."
The principal handed a brown envelope and looked at counselor. It was like asking her to explain what's inside the envelope.
"Mr. and Mrs. Park, this is a very sensitive phase. You need to be strong for Jimin. I've been talking to him ever since he started here because he visits me from time to time. That's why I know that he's emotionally stable."
The counselor will never forget how Jimin told her his daily life and all the pressures he suffered from. And she knew that the day that Jimin told her that his love was reciprocated, was the happiest session he had with her ever since they started. "But of course, this is something different. But I believe that it will be fine as long as you're all with him in this fight. And also..."
Jimin walked through the hallways and entered into his classroom. He saw some scribbles and even notes of hate on his desk. It was written the day after the grad ball. It was the time when they will get all their things and listen to their principal's last message to the students. He read all their curses and as it was like they were all there saying it to his face. He went to his locker to see that it was open and his books are all tarnished and has vandals of words or curses that he never knew existed.
"Hey! Have you heard about Park Jimin?"
"I heard that he's returning in Korea."
"They said that he's going to rest for awhile maybe he's going stay with his family."
"And his going to end his studies here."
The news started to circulate around the campus. It started at the dance department where Jimin Park's name was a household name. He was like the dream of everyone. The life that he has made everyone envious. Those pictures that were posted in each member's locker was his. He was the standard and everyone's ecstatic to see their idol. It ran through the corridors, cafeterias and even restrooms where even normal students who also admired Jimin Park, started to talk about him. Girls and boys who were more excited to see someone who worked with a lot famous stars. Jimin Park was a professional contemporary dancer. He's very famous because a lot of artists used his choreographs. It was like a legend that if you danced to his, you will be famous or will be more famous. They said that Jimin Park's dances helped the person dancing to it, to show who they really were. It shows there strengths and also shows that they were vulnerable. People who watched him, cries after the final act where he dances a very heart-breaking performance. He was one of the best dancers. In a small span of time, he was able to create a new wave in dance. It didn't take long for the news to reach the open fields where the football team is.
"Guys! Have you heard about the news?" Soowon asked as he joined the group.
"Nope. What is it?" Asked Jinho who's stretching.
"Dude! It's Jimin Park! He will enter in our university. He will study here!" He happily announced and everyone who heard the name whipped their directions at Soowon.
"Seriously?! Wow!" Everyone left their post and went where Soowon is together with Jinho who already forgot about stretching.
"Of course. Everyone is talking about it already. Dude, I'm so disappointed at you. I thought you are his fan."
"Of course I am! But you know, I have my boyfriend now." Jeremy happily replied. He was born in California but decided to live in Korea with his parents.
"Dude! You're so whipped!" Jinho teased his teammate.
"But guys, seriously. Would you imagine him walking in our corridors with all his glory? I'm beginning to melt now." Soowon said while imagining about Park Jimin's walking gloriously in the corridors. Opening lockers, talking with the students and even eating in the same cafeteria. It's like a dream. Well, it's not a secret that the contemporary dancer was gay. Likewise, a quite number of students were openly gay or bisexuals. Maybe they should be thankful about the modern ideologies that it was easier now to come out from their closets. And Park Jimin's was on their top list of the most alluring and most attractive people.
Whatever Jungkook was seeing now, was something that he never saw coming. Seeing his teammates dreamily appreciate Jimin was like a dream. It's the opposite of what happened during his high school days were they took joy in insulting people. Who they called useless people in the society.
Upon hearing the news, Jungkook didn't know what he should feel. Should he be happy? Excited? Ecstatic? Afraid? What should he be feeling right now?
He prepared himself for this time. When he meets Jimin again. But he never thought that it will happen this soon. And now frozen in place, hearing his teammates talking, he remembered everything happened that night. How he saw tears flowing through someone's cheeks. Those cheeks that he held and the that someone who he promised that he loves, was the same person who was looking at him with gravely lonely eyes. And everything went blurry after it.
"Cap! Are you alright?" Yewon asked him. He must be in reverie when they guy started talking to him.
"Uh-- yeah. Am I out for a long time?"
"Not really. You just froze after Soowon said the news. Are you also a fan of Park Jimin?" That's when everyone looked at him. Expecting an answer. It was not really a secret that their respected captain was also gay. Although they also knew that Jungkook never showed any interest in someone. Except the guy who's always with Jungkook at times when he was sad. Soowon accidentally saw Jungkook crying and that guy from the acting department was with him. They found out that he was just a close friend. That's why they were all curious about it.
"Me? I..." he started. He didn't know how to answer. Yes, it's inevitable. One of these days, he will see him again. But still, the words didn't come out from his lips. And like it was planned, their coach arrived asked everyone to gather.
After the training, Jungkook went straight to his part time job in a restaurant. The restaurant was famous and it was filled by a lot of rich people. He tried his best not to be affected by the news about Jimin while serving. He successfully ended his shift and went straight home. He entered his small apartment of almost four years. He stayed there after he left their house. With nothing, he started to search for part time jobs that can help him to continue studying. He was lucky that he was accepted in a very famous university with full grant. He only needed to work hard with his studies and be good in football to continue. But life proved him wrong. It was very hard for him. For someone who was fed with a golden spoon, to live a life with part time jobs and studies, it was very hard. He wanted to quit at some point but he was thankful that there were people who helped him. One of them was his cousin, Seokjin. He's in graduate school, but still tried to help him from time to time. Seokjin helped him to go through his problems and gave him money to have a start. At first, he didn't like the idea of receiving money from his hyung but the older one encouraged that it was alright. He accepted it while promising that he will pay it after. But Seokjin never intended to make him pay but he didn't say anything. He threw himself on his bed and rested his arm on his closed eyes.
There was also someone, upon hearing the news had dropped all his books when someone accidentally bumped into him while he was frozen in place at the hallways.
"Would you like a coffee Mr. Park?"
"Oh, yes please. Thank you."
"It's my pleasure Mr. Park."
A little girl walked towards him and seemingly wanted to talked to him. He smiled at the little girl. Upon seeing it, she went to him with a notebook and pen.
"Hello Mr. Park. I am Jamie. I saw your performance in Las Vegas and I became a fan. I am studying ballet now." The little girl happily told him.
"Is that so? Well, I believe that you will be great someday. Just don't push yourself too much, alright?" He smiled at the girl.
After arriving, Jamie and his parents left with a promise that she'll be great someday. Wearing shades to cover his eyes that was once open for everyone to see and to conditioned it for later. His eyes that used to be a symbol of sunshine and happiness. He walked into the crowd. He walked through the never ending camera flashes, fans with posters and bystanders who were curious on who's the famous person that've arrived. And as he stood in the center, he removed his shades to show the experienced and practiced eye gaze and smile that he perfected in the last three years. This was it. The time when he will give his smile that says,
'I'm back.
"Jimin!" He heard his friend's voice calling his name from the airport gates. After assisting him to get out, he saw his brother and Hoseok with his boyfriend Yoongi.
He knew Yoongi from his classes back in New York. They had the same class and became close to each other. He introduced his two hyungs when Hoseok visited him last year. He didn't see it coming. Well, Yoongi must be one of the few people who hated happy people. He hated people who has many inquiries about something. And it was a miracle that the elder became close to Hoseok. Jimin became a different person in New York. He left everything in Korea. They said that it was his fresh start. But deep inside him, he never felt fresh nor had something which he can start with. Everything was still a blur. He didn't know where to start. It was like he was in his first day in kindergarten. He didn't know anything. It was like everything that he learned vanished.
"Oh, Jihyun-ah! You became taller!" He ruffled his brother's hair when he finally stood in front of them.
Yoongi who graduated earlier decided to have his own small music company in Korea and stay with Hoseok. His best friend engulfed the younger in a bone-crashing embrace. It was like million years passed ever since the last time he saw Jimin. The younger returned the embrace and closed his eyes to
feel the warmth radiating from his best friend.
"Hey kid! Welcome back." Yoongi said and flashed a smile towards Jimin.
He will not lie, he missed the younger. He was like his older brother back in New York. It may be already the 21st century but there are still people who bullied Asians. And when he saw the Jimin back then, his heart clenched. The younger was so lost. It was like he was existing but he's not living anymore. There were no emotions in his eyes. And living in this cruel world, he can see what will be the ending for Jimin. That's when he decided that he will help the younger.
Jimin smirked. "Hyung! You never changed you know that? Still calling me 'kid'."
"Yes. I know." And he laughed again.
While looking at Jimin, he saw the same smile that he had, ever since the younger started to have a new career. His smile that never met his eyes. He found an old picture of the younger and saw the difference. It was not a secret to him on what happened before Jimin left Korea. Hoseok was still praying for that genuine smile to move back to it's original place. And now that Jimin's back, he's more worried.
Arriving home, his mom rushed to him followed by his father. He missed this moment. It felt that he was home again. His family moved to Seoul right after he left to New York. It was different compared to Busan's air but he thought that, here was better. He thought that wherever his friends and
family were, that's home.
"Oh, Jimin. Taehyung is inside. I asked him to stay here to help me even though he wanted to be there to see you at the airport. I'm sorry if he was not there." Jimin smiled. They went inside and there he saw Taehyung smiling at him.
"Jimin. Welcome home."
"Thank you Taehyung." Jimin smiled and tapped his friend's shoulder when he came near to him. They stared at each other. Like they were having a secret conversation.
Everyone can sense the awkward atmosphere. Yoongi, breaking the ice, suggested to bring Jimin's things to room and ask the younger to rest.
His phone started ringing and it woke him. He searched for his phone inside his pockets remembering that he slept without changing his clothes. Yesterday, was a very stressful day for him. He put his phone near to his right ear without looking on who's calling him.
"Hello?"
"Jungkook... He's here. He came back."
Hearing those words was like pouring ice cold water to his whole body. He never felt more awake. He slowly stood up. Cleared his throat to utter words.
"He's here?"
"Yes. He just arrived earlier. I--"
"Is that so? Uhm--thank... thank you."
"Jungkook." The voice firmly said his name. "Please, don't do something on impulse."
Impulse. That was the reason why he was in this situation now. Yes, everything was on impulse. Those words that he uttered were all in impulse. Because he was afraid. He was afraid to lose everything that he was used on having. The fame, friends, his status, football. He was so young
back then. He was a hot-young blood. And just thinking about losing all those things for the sake of someone, he thought that it was useless. He can't give up his life just for someone like Jimin. Now, he felt tears flowing on his cheeks. His sight was getting blurred. Someone like Jimin. That's
what he thought that night. But then he forgot that, that someone was the person who has the sweetest smile. Someone who's always nice and thoughtful. Someone who thought about others first before himself. Someone who never looked at him with any prejudices. Someone who smiled
at him and talked to him without putting him in a fake pedestal. That someone was Jimin. The person who fell in love with. That someone who he said was delusional. Someone who he called as a disgusting fag. That someone who he rejected in front of his whole social kingdom. That someone whom he allowed people to throw insults and disgusted gazes to. That someone who in that moment looked at him with eyes hoping, like it saying, 'Just ask me and I will understand. Just tell me that you love me and I will understand.' But he ignored that someone.
"Please, Jungkook. Don't do something. He's going to enter in our university. But don't do--"
"I know. I know. I know it already."
The person who's in the other line breathes out. "Thanks Kook. See you later."
"Thank you. See you later Tae."