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So.
Ray’s in love with Leonard.
That’s neat. That’s nice. That’s good .
No. It’s completely terrible and Ray is pretty certain that hiding in his trailer for the rest of his life is probably his only option.
He’s pacing back and forth across the small trailer, and trying to figure out how the hell this has happened. When did his goofing around turn into something real, when did seeing Leonard in the arms of someone else become the worst thing he could possibly imagine? He’s read Adam Sandler scripts, but Leonard looking at someone like that was the worst thing he’d ever seen.
He’s confused, he’s angry, he’s frightened. He doesn’t know where he’s supposed to turn, who’s really going to believe he’s only just figured himself out? Everyone seems to think he’s been in love with Leonard all along, and he really can’t stand to hear people teasing him about this.
But then, has he been in love with him the whole time?
He’s always thought Leonard was attractive, with his stormy grey eyes, and his smart mouth. He’d have to be blind not to see it. His obsession with him wasn’t ever sexual though, even now it’s not the most important thing. When he closes his eyes and imagines he and Leonard together, and it’s just their everyday interactions.
They’re sat a little too close, Leonard is shaking his head at something dumb that Ray has said, and Ray is revelling in the cute half smile he’s getting. Fantasy Leonard tells him that he’s dumb and kisses him to shut him up. It’s corny, but it’s so them and oh God, Ray would die for it.
Ray might have to die for it, because now there’s Mick and Leonard is clearly still completely gone for him.
And even if he wasn’t, would Leonard really want Ray? This idiot who fanboys over him every second, and doesn’t know when to stop. He gets precious little time off set, why would he want to spend that with him? Leonard deserves someone perfect, and Ray is far from perfect.
He’s screwed. He’s completely screwed.
“Raymond?”
He’s even more screwed.
He spins on his heel to see Leonard stood in his doorway, and how has his breath never caught every time he’s looked at this man before? Even looking exhausted, red eyed and hurting, he’s still the most gorgeous thing Ray’s ever seen.
“Leonard? What…” Ray’s voice is way too high. He clears his throat, because he’s not going to squeak at Leonard, “Why are you here?”
He walks properly into Ray’s trailer, shuts the door behind him, “Okay, I’m never going to say this again, so enjoy it.”
Leonard looks nervous, and what does Leonard have to be nervous about? He’s not the one who’s just had a life changing epiphany, and is contemplating running away to Aruba and changing his name to D Nomyar. Shit, what would pre-revelation Ray do?
“I love you.” Ray squeaks.
Not that, anything but that.
Leonard just smiles, “And I’m not even naked.”
Ray doesn’t want to think about that right now - later, definitely later. He forces himself to focus. He’s an adult, he’s an actor, he can act completely sane. It’s a role, he’s Ray Palmer from this morning, when he was blissfully in denial and nothing was awkward.
“Look, I was an asshole this morning. I was upset, and I took it out on you. You were only trying to help, and I shouldn’t have snapped. I really am sorry.”
He sounds so sincere and it’s going to bury Ray. Leonard shouldn’t be apologising, Ray should. Ray should be apologising for not being in the moment, and not being able to concentrate on anything except the constant stream of i love him i love him i love him going through his head.
“It’s okay.” Ray manages to get out, “I was being annoying. I get it.”
“You’re always annoying, Raymond. I don’t usually yell at you. So,” He holds his arms out, “Free hug. One time only offer.”
Normally Ray would be jumping on this, on any excuse to grab hold of Leonard and squeeze him til he stops fighting back, but right now he’s not sure he’d be able to let go. Leonard would be able to feel his heart pounding in his chest, and the whole game would be given away.
But maybe Leonard’s asking because he needs the hug, he needs the support, the knowledge that someone is going to be there for him and before Ray knows it, he’s stepping forward to sweep Leonard into his arms.
Leonard’s arms are around his shoulders, and he’s so close. Ray’s own arms are around his back and he’s pulling him tightly to him. He feels so good in Ray’s arms, like this is where he’s supposed to be. He’s warm, and soft and he smells so good, and Ray is aware he’s being something of a creeper, but he can’t switch it off right now. It’s so new, it’s so raw.
Ray just wants to cry on him and tell him everything, just to tell someone, to get it out of his head and work his way through it. Leonard’s the person he probably trusts most in the world, and the fact he can’t share this with him is killing him.
The hug goes on for what feels like forever, and not long enough. Ray’s pretty sure this is the longest time they’ve spent holding each other, and he should be making jokes about it, but he can’t do it. He can’t get the damn words out. It’s been less than an hour, he shouldn’t be this overwhelmed, not this soon.
“Raymond, did you clean?”
And the moment is broken, and Ray pulls out of the hug. He takes a step back, and looks around the tidy trailer, “Uh, yeah. Surprise?”
Leonard shakes his head, “Fucking nerd.”
---x
Mick’s presence makes the set a little uncomfortable for the first few days. He’s in three scenes over the course of the episode they’re working on, but he’s spending a lot of time with the cast.
With Leonard.
They seem to be having fun together, to be happy and what if they’re going to get back together? What if Leonard is going to ask Mick to rejoin the cast full time? What if he asks for Went and Dom to be a couple? Ray would have to leave. He’d have to get Bran killed off in an incredibly dramatic fashion, and -
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting? Just a little?”
And Ray has been hiding in a 24 hour coffee shop just off set, where he’s managed to bump into Barry Allen, and accidentally told him everything. All Barry had said was hi and Ray had exploded on him at 4AM.
“Completely.” Ray agrees, “Doesn’t mean I can turn it off.”
“So long as you know.” Barry tells him, rubbing his eyes.
Ray almost feels sorry for putting all this on him, someone who isn’t much more than an acquaintance really, but is now his biggest confidante. They’ve hidden in the corner of the shop, hoping nobody overhears and leaks his infatuation to TMZ before Ray can leak it to Leonard.
“Have you thought about telling him?” Barry asks, “You guys might be on the same page.”
“We’re not.” Ray replies, and he hates how his gut clenches as he says it. He feels sick knowing that his infatuation is unrequited. His overly sweetened coffee is of no interest anymore. He pushes it a little way across the table.
“Ray.” Barry’s voice is soft, and kind.
“I’m an idiot?” Ray guesses his next words.
“I was going to say talk to him, don’t shut him out.” Barry says, “Len won’t say it, but you’re important to him.”
Ray huffs. He’s a nice ego boost, he’s a good on set friend, but he’s not important to anyone. That’s not who Ray is to people.
“Look, I’ve got to go.” Barry says, getting to his feet, and shrugging on his coat, “But let me give you some advice. Don’t push your friend away because you’re freaking out. After all, I married my best friend.”
Ray watches as Barry leaves the coffee shop, and decides that yes, he still kind of hates him.
---x
Of course Ray hadn’t properly looked at the call sheet for the day when he’d left for the set. If he had, he’d probably have spent the entire night panicking over what it had said.
‘Dom reveals himself to Bran as the saboteur.’
For the first time in a long time, Ray isn’t excited about getting to work. He’s terrified. He’s scared that he’s going to go back to the same fumbling idiot he was during his first kiss scene with Leonard, and everyone’s going to see right through him, and the scene will get cut, the story will be a mess. Ray will be recast, the show will tank, he’ll have put hundreds of people out of a job and he’ll be blacklisted. (Never let it be said that Ray isn’t a spectacular panicker.)
He’s trying his best to fake his usual enthusiasm with Mary and Eliza in the make up trailer as they try their best to make him look less like he’s barely slept for three days. They seem to know something is off, so ensure to be extra cheerful in hopes it will rub off on him. Ray has the best make up girls in the business, he makes a note to send them a nice bouquet when he stops being a melodramatic idiot.
The door opens as they’re suggesting Ray might like to try a little glitter on his eyes, to make them sparkle even more. They’re all laughing, before Ray sees who the interloper is.
“Mick.”
Ray’s face falls, and Eliza’s hand rests gently on his shoulder, as Mary moves forward to make sure she’s between the pair of them. He doesn’t remember saying anything about Mick, but then they know about his Snart fanboying, so they’ve probably assumed.
“Ray.”
His actual name, not some nickname, mocking his hair or his nerdiness. Ray is suddenly even more nervous than he was before. Has Mick figured out his feelings? Is Mick going to kill him for even thinking of Leonard like that? Is Mick going to laugh at him for thinking there was ever a chance for them?
“We’re busy at the moment, Mick.” Mary squares up to him, all 5’2 of her, brown eyes full of fire.
“It’s okay, Mary.” Ray replies, “We can spare five minutes. Get some coffee, some breakfast.”
She looks back at Ray, then to Eliza, then to Mick. She opens her mouth to protest, before Eliza gets behind her and carefully shuffles her out of the door. Ray has to stifle a small laugh when he hears her retreating voice insisting she’s more than capable of kicking Mick’s ass without breaking a sweat, and Eliza replying yes dear .
“Um, I don’t think I’ve congratulated you on…” Ray starts.
“You got feelings for Snart.”
“Being back on the show.” Ray finishes, quietly, “And no, I’m just a creepy fanboy, remember?”
“That why you ain’t so much as looked in his direction while I’ve been back?” Mick asks. He walks round Ray and takes a seat in the other make up chair, spins Ray round to face him.
“I have..”
“Maybe twice, with that dumb lost puppy look on your face.” Mick points out.
Ray’s default setting is puppy, usually excitable springer spaniel, but even he’s got to admit he’s looked more perturbed pug the past few days.
“I… just worry about him.” Ray offers. It’s not a great reply, but it’s fairly close to the truth. It is basically the truth, just with less mention of his desire to hold Len close and kiss him stupid.
“Just… I know about you two, all of it, the divorce, everything.” Ray finds himself feeling more confident, he’s got this, “He was crushed when he found out you were coming back, I’ve not seen him like that before. Now he’s suddenly draping himself over you, and you’re best friends again? I’m worried he’s going to get hurt, and we’re going to be the ones picking up the pieces.”
As Ray gets the words out, he starts to think maybe that is all it is. Maybe he’s not completely in love with Leonard, maybe he really does just want to look after his friend. The thought lasts a split second, before he remembers the hour he spent the night before thinking about Leonard’s soft lips and slow smile. No, he’s fucked.
“Lenny and me have known each other 30 years, Haircut.” Mick tells him, leaning back in the chair, “He’s my best friend, even when we wanna kill each other. We shoulda never been more than that.”
Mick looks hurt, and Ray’s never thought about how hurt he must have been when things ended as well. He’s been so invested in Leonard’s heartbreak that he’s just painted Mick as this heartless villain in his head.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out.” Ray tells him, and he’s surprised to find he means it.
“Shut up, kid.” Mick replies. His voice is softer than usual, and he’s pretty certain that’s Mick for thank you.
Ray zips his lips, rests his hands on his lap. Mick shakes his head, and gets to his feet. A two minute chat, the equivalent of an all night heart to heart with Mick.
“Look, Lenny could do a lot worse than you.” Mick tells him, voice quiet, softer than usual, “Maybe ask him for drinks when he’s done being heartbroken.”
Ray nods, slowly. The first time since his freak out over his feelings that he’s actually looked at them with a positive light, if only for a second, and it’s with Leonard’s ex.
Never let it be said that he does things the normal way.
---x
The following days on set are a little easier. Ray hates Mick less now he knows he’s just as hurt. They even managed to get through their scene together on schedule. Ray even thinks he sees a genuine smile at one point when they’re together, taking his grand total up to three.
Mick’s death scene has even been reworked, and there’s now a chance he’s survived and could potentially return for longer in the second half of the season. (Ray loves that he works on a show where they can bring anyone back from the dead with some spacey sounding mumbo jumbo.)
He’s found himself spending time with Mick, which means he gets to spend more time with Leonard. He finds himself wondering how he never realised they were a couple? Leonard looks at Mick like he’s the greatest thing he’s ever seen, the way Ray thinks he must look at Leonard.
They tell him stories about the crazy shit they got up to, and they laugh together and Ray almost wishes they’d really worked out. Leonard looks happy, could Ray ever make him look like that? He’d do everything he could to try, but Ray’s not sure he could make anyone smile like that, let alone someone like Leonard.
When Mick leaves the set, the whole cast and crew are there to wish him goodbye. It turns out Mick has been going round, apologising for his behaviour on the previous season, in his own Mick way. He was hurt, he lashed out, he’s spent time with everyone to make sure they know he doesn’t hate them. They’re all sad to see him go, but Ray doesn’t think anyone’s sadder than Leonard.
In an eerie mirror of Mick’s arrival, Leonard is clinging to Mick, and Ray can’t look. He knows how much it’s killing Leonard to say goodbye, and it’s killing him to see his friend crushed like that. He’s said his own goodbye to Mick, even managed to get a hug out of him, so he leaves the scene to head back to his own trailer.
He doesn’t realise there were tears in his eyes until they roll across his cheeks when he closes the door. He doesn’t know who he’s crying for. Leonard, who is having his heart broken again. Himself, who’s just had to watch the man he loves clinging desperately to his past. Mick, who has to leave without Leonard in his life. Everyone, nobody, all the goddamn pain that this stupid unrequited love has brought him over the past week.
He feels fucking ridiculous as the tears turn into great sobs, wracking his body as he slinks to the floor of his trailer. When did he become this? When did he cry over a goddamn crush? He’s mad at himself for getting so upset, he’s a 36 year old man, he shouldn’t be such a mess over something so trivial.
He’s not sure how long he’s been crying when he hears the knock at his door. He worries someone’s heard him, that someone wants to see if he’s okay, and it’s really the last thing he wants.
“Raymond?”
Leonard’s voice sounds so small, so weak and fuck, he can’t turn that voice away.
Ray quickly goes into the small bathroom, and splashes his face with cold water. He still looks like a complete trainwreck, but he’s hoping Leonard won’t notice. He needs to man up, and be Ray Palmer, eternal ray of sunshine.
He grabs his glasses from the side, hoping they’ll at least disguise his puffy eyes and pads back to the main area of the trailer.
Leonard has already let himself in, and he looks like absolute death. He’s shaking as he breathes, as if he’s still on the brink of sobs. His eyes are red and bleary, and his grey shirt is dark and damp.
“I don’t have anyone else.” Leonard tries to fake a sarcastic smirk, and instead barely manages a sad smile.
Ray wonders if he’s dreaming for a moment when Leonard is the one who makes the move to initiate the hug. He pushes it to one side, and pulls Leonard as close to him as he can. He wants to tell Leonard that he’s wrong, he’s got so many people on his side, but the words don’t come out.
Leonard starts crying again almost as soon as Ray’s arms wrap around him. Leonard’s hands fist in his shirt, and he buries his head in Ray’s shoulder, trying to stifle the sobs that threaten to come out. Ray just strokes his back, gently rests his lips against Leonard’s head and promises that he’s not going anywhere, because really, there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.