Chapter Text
Souta: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Re:creators is property of Amazon, Troyca, Shogakukan, and Ei Aoki. Please support the official-
{As Souta was saying this, a girl ends up walking into a train that runs her over}
VROOOOOOOOOOOM-SPLAT!
Souta: HOLY SHI-
Re:Abridgers
Souta: Sooo… Um… Ignoring that… Hi! I’m Souta! Just an ordinary narrator! I’m definitely not the main character nor am I responsible for an oncoming shitstorm. Nope! Just a normal, normal kid!
{Cuts to him in front of his computer, staring at a blank canvas}
Souta: With writer’s block. Well! Off to a great start right now! Screw it, let’s see what’s on the iPad, which you can buy on Amazon.com for only sixty dollars!
{he opens his iPad and plays Elemental Symphony of Vogelchevalier.}
Souta: This will get the good ol’ brainwaves going! Hmm… Perhaps I should draw Celesia in a bikini… Yeeessss… Oh, yeah, I have a sort of Waifu thing going on.
{the thing then glitches and gives him a Blue Screen of Death}
Souta: What!? I thought iPads were made by Apple, not Microsoft… Not that you can buy a new Windows 10 for three easy payments of-
{screen turns into some weird cryptic shit that will drive fans to interpret it for days on end}
Souta: What the shi-
{he drops it and suddenly he’s in the anime}
Souta: OH MY GOD! It’s like one of my Isekai animes!
{Soon he sees the Vogelchevalier}
Souta: AWESOME!
{He turns around and sees a woman in a black army trenchcoat}
Souta: WAIFU GETSTAPO!
???: W-what?! No! I mean, yeah, that’s sort of the thing I was going for, but I’m not an actual… You know what, screw it. Look at my swords.
Souta: Nice…
???: Now look what I can do with it!
{she summons a gun and uses one of her swords to play it like a violin, digitizing Vogelchevalier in the process}
Celesia: WHAT THE HELL!?
Souta: AWESOME!
???: Yep. Sure am. Though I could be 20% cooler. Oh! I know! {spouts nonsense about the Holoscipion being omnipotent and reincarnation or stuff like that}
Celesia: Oh will you shut the hell up!?
{??? Uses Razor Blades. It’s Not Very Effective.}
Celesia: Oh, hey, random kid who can somehow walk on water!
{She goes and dives in to save Souta. As they did a slow dive, he and ??? exchange looks as generic falling in love music plays.}
Souta: On that day, I was given a grim reminder that I will only fall in love with fictional characters with crazy, over the top appearances. I sometimes think she had that same feeling towards me.
Celesia: The hell are you on about?
{Record needle scratch}
Souta: Holy [EFF]! You can hear me!?
Celesia: Of course I can hear you, dipshit. You’re talking outloud.
Souta: Oh… Yeah, I have a tendency to do-
{they fall on the water}
Souta: OOF!
{and digitize into the real world}
Souta: Well that was a good fantasy. That’ll surely bring inspiration to my drawing!
Souta’s Mom: Hey Souta!
Souta: Hey mom.
Souta’s Mom: So there’s a study that moms are more likely to die if they wear their hair in a ponytail, so I’m trying a new hairdo to increase my chances of survival.
Souta: Mom, that’s only in the anime.
Souta’s Mom: Well, how do you know that this isn’t an anime?
Souta: Because if it was, then I’d have a hot waifu waiting for me in my bedroom.
{He goes upstairs and sees Celesia with a sword drawn}
Souta: Mom! We’re in an anime!
Souta’s Mom: Okay! Be sure to watch out for any creepy giant naked smiling people!
Souta: Oka-
{he gets held at sword point}
Souta: … Mom! My waifu needs my attention!
Souta’s Mom: Okay! Be sure to close the door!
{Celesia does exactly that, before pressing Souta up against the wall with a sword to his neck}
Souta: Woah! I think it’s a bit too soon to introduce kinks!
{she knees his crotch}
Celesia: Who are you?
Souta: Ooooh yeah!
Celesia: TALK! Are you one of her allies? Where’s Charon? Where am I?
Souta: Okay, I’m getting very mixed feelings here. Is Twenty Questions some sort of foreplay for you?
Celesia: Talk, and you live!
Souta: Oooooh crap, getting into third date territory here! Okay! Name’s Souta Mizushino, no I don’t know her but damn is she hot, Charon’s I don’t know where and you’re on the planet Earth!
Celesia: … That didn’t help me in the slightest. You mean Earthmelia?
Souta: No. Earth!
Celesia: Yeah, Earthmelia!
Souta: N-no! I mean…
{he goes over to get one of his books}
Souta: This is Earthmelia. In this book, I mean.
Celesia: I… Have literally no idea what you’re talking about.
Souta: Well… Let me read you a verse from this book!
{he opens the book and reads it}
Souta: He rubbed my back with such warm oils and whispered to me: “I will have your back now…”
Celesia: WHAT!? HOW THE [EFF!] DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CHARON’S MASSAGE FOR ME!?
Souta: It’s all in here! Chapter 16.5!
Celesia: {reads it} … Oh God, it’s over… Somebody knows about me and Charon… Oooooh man…
Souta: Hey, it’s not that awful. People use it as a basis to support their ships of you and Charon and fanart is drawn of you and him. In fact, I can draw something up right now if you like.
Celesia: Please no… I prefer not to be more embarrassed than I already am.
{Suddenly Gestapo Waifu}
???: Surprise, bitch.
{Celesia stabs the window and uses it to open it}
Celesia: Who are you!?
???: Come now, a good antagonist wouldn’t reveal who they are in the opening act. So I will just say this: I am not from the Avalon Brigade. I am merely the ambassador for the world of Anime.
Celesia: Ambassador to what!?
???: The Horrific Land of the Gods of Pleasure!
Celesia: So… Dionysus?
???: Join me, Celesia, and I will make your face the greatest in the land… Or else you will die!
Souta: Really? First My Little Pony and now that horrible Zelda game? You really are waifu material!
Celesia: Yeah, [EFF!] that, we outta here!
{le streets}
Celesia: Jacking this!
Random Dude: Hey!
{She steals a car. She then drives it as this song intensifies}
Celesia: Sweeet! Let’s see what this baby can do!
{she activates the wind wipers, which causes moments of silence}
Souta: Hey… Nice stereo?
{they drive a bit}
Souta: So far, my night has been a life changer. I met two beautiful women on the same night who all want me. This may be the start of a one cour anime where I have to pick between the two, but my choice will ultimately set the internet ablaze.
Celesia: The [EFF!] are you talking about?
Souta: Oh… I’m narrating again, am I?
Celesia: Yeah…
{suddenly storm of blades as the song kicks up into high gear. They soon drive out of the way and meet the Gestapo Waifu}
???: Surprise bit-
Celesia: OH SHUT UP!
{car crashes into her and it flips over}
???: Now, if you may come with me, both of you, then that’d be wonderful.
Celesia: NEVER!
???: At the risk of sounding cliché… Let’s do this the hard way!
{le epic song plays as le epic fight plays, though as they’re about to have an epic clash, a missile comes and causes an explosion}
Meteora: Sorry, I can’t help but notice an abundance of fighting in my presence.
???: Oh, it’s you. Still haven’t found your Creator?
{she simply fires missiles at her, causing shit to blow up}
???: I shall give you the time to find and reconcile with him before I play this world’s swan song. After all, an orchestra needs all the right players in check.
{she teleports away}
Meteora: Well, now that that’s taken care of.
Celesia: Wait! What the hell is going on!?
{Meteora flies away}
Celesia: Wait! I’m not done with you!
{cut to the entire city}
Celesia: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!
Souta: And that was just the beginning of my bizarre adventure. At first, I thought it would be over, but as I soon found out-
{he soon hears from inside his rom}
Celesia: Oh God, he’s doing it again.
Meteora: I like him. He’s my pace.
Souta: The hell?
{he opens the door and sees Celesia and Meteora sitting down}
Souta: And on that day, I was given yet another grim reminder that I’m now living with two waifus!
Celesia: THE [EFF!]’S A WAIFU!?
{le end credits}
{le shop}
Shopkeeper: Is that everything?
Meteora: Yes, and he’ll be paying for it.
Souta: W-what!?
{le outside}
Celesia: Come on! This is what a Waifu is according to Meteora! Someone a guy completely has to treat!
Souta: T-that’s not what a Waifu is!
Meteora: Sorry, but who’s the genius here?
{she grabs the bag of snacks}
Meteora: If you still can’t believe we’re here, right here right now, taking advantage of your presence, eating your snacks, and using your money, then you should put everything in reality into question, like whether that shop is real or if the money you paid was legit. Perhaps {she keeps rambling about her navel for a bit}
Celesia: Oh God, she’s worse than you!
Meteora: In short, you should go see a doctor who would no doubt bring you to an insane asylum.
Souta: Wait what!?
Meteora: It’s just a joke, bro. … They say that here, right? Bro?
Souta: … I’m not gonna enjoy this cour, am I?