Work Text:
He’s not saying this week has been hell… but damn, this week has been hell.
Lance is done. He can fake smiles and force a laugh when needed, but in the end his depression and thoughts seem to win him over and drag him further into his own hell. He keeps it hidden; his team didn’t seem to notice how his smile twitches every time, how his face falls when he leaves, or how his laughter has lost its once happy, genuine feel.
They didn’t notice the bandages around his arms, or how he refuses to take off his jacket and always wears it when company was in his room. They didn’t see the faint blood stains around his room either, or the old and bloody bandages in the garbage. If they did, they didn’t say anything, just assuming they were from a past mission where he got hurt.
To end this pain and spiral, he forms a plan. This entire week he will be happier than Jesus himself, but during their upcoming rescue mission he will get himself killed.
The thing is though, Lance loves his team. They’re like a second family away from home. He also misses his family back on earth. How his mama would hold him when he broke down, how his sister would let him rant. That wasn't the case up in space.
His team is a second family and he adores them, but they all had so much to deal with already and burdening them with his issues isn’t going to happen as long as he can help it. He will fake happiness until he is dead.
Even if they do care, a seventh wheel cargo pilot who can’t do anything shouldn’t complain when they all matter so much more, when they all have better things to worry about.
He laughs at the word “things” because that's just what he is now: a thing you can get rid of without any consequence. Just a useless, expendable, loud mouthed thing that shouldn’t even be there. Good for them; he won't be for much longer.
-
As the week goes by, they go on a small diplomatic mission to a planet close to where the large mission is going to be.
Lance wanders off from the rest after a while to go look for a store. When Shiro asks what he is doing, he makes some comment about “wooing alien chicks with my dazzling good looks,” which gets a few groans before he leaves. If Hunk and Pidge send him a worried look as he leaves, he doesn’t bother to bring it up or honestly answer when they later ask what he really left for.
His goal is not girls, but to find something close to writing materials. This is another part of his plan, and an internal agreement to not hurt himself and instead focus everything into writing his letters.
Do they count as suicide notes if I’m killed by some angry purple alien?
He ponders this thought while browsing paper colours.
Well who cares so long as I die in the end and don't have to explain them myself.
He has an itching feeling that he probably shouldn’t have let that thought cross his mind.
Lance finishes buying his things, and for the first time in a long time he feels something. Excitement. Excitement that he’s finally going to feel something besides a deep rooted hate for himself and a guilt for being too weak to tell his team about it.
If they knew any of his thoughts he’d have to explain in great detail, which meant spilling his insecurities and that was a big no in Lance’s book. He avoids the mind melds if he can help it, but one time he couldn’t. Someone made a comment and he subconsciously let a thought slip out in response.
“They all sat with the weird head pieces on, focusing on forming Voltron, when Pidge said, “Can we not do this? I hate it so much.”
To which Lance replies with zero hesitation, “Ha, not as much as I hate myself.”
The meld breaks and the team looks at him in shock. They are about to say something when suddenly Lance’s face falls in pure horror.
Before anyone has the chance to stop him, he throws off the head piece and runs out of the room.
No one sees him until breakfast the next morning, and he avoids the topic or shoots it down every time someone tries to bring it up.
No one seems to ask again after that, but they do keep a closer eye on him.”
He didn’t mean to say that out loud, let alone when he was with them all, but he did. Never again will he make such a careless mistake.
Never. Again.
-
In the castle late one night Lance takes it upon himself to start writing his letters.
He starts with Shiro, carefully picking his words, thinking about what to write. The most important part is mentioning Shiro’s issues and telling him to talk to the team about them.
“Wow what a hypocrite.” he says to no one but himself.
He carries on, wiping away a few stray tears.
Next is Hunk. God, he will miss Hunk. Hunk is his best friend; the first friend that didn’t leave after figuring out just how damaged Lance really is. He got a lot worse, but never told Hunk that. Hunk is better off without him though, that way he can focus on making nice with the rest of the team without having to worry about someone as useless as Lance.
Lance is the only one who talks to him though. The only one who listens to him ramble about home, tastes his new recipies, sits with him while he works on something new, or hands him tools as needed. He is his best friend, what is he thinking?
He hits himself to snap back to it.
Keep writing don’t start having second thoughts. I know I want this.
He is right, he does want this. Next is Pidge. Pidge is basically a little sister to Lance, he loves her as much as he loves his nieces and nephew back on earth. Pidge is an actual genius though and never ceases to amaze him with her brilliance. She will go far in life, so much farther without him there to annoy her and hold her back. Though, he won’t be there to make sure she eats either, or gets any actual sleep, or takes a break-
What the hell did I just say? Keep. Writing. She doesn’t need me; I’ll never be her brother. None of them need me.
He is openly crying now, but keeps writing anyways. He’ll be fine so long as he gets these finished before the mission the next day.
As he writes Keith's he feels a pain in his chest. It is almost suffocating and he has to take a moment to breathe. He writes about his feelings, and his regret for not saying so sooner.
A brief apology regarding nicknames is included as well.
Keith is… well, Lance is in love with him. At first he was pissed off with Keith because Keith is so much better at everything, but then it grew into “damn Keith looks so good in that black v-neck” and “holy shit I'm too bi for this.”
Lance knows he has no chance because Keith is literally so much better at everything (not singing though, Lance is so good at that he brought the team to tears once. He was singing a sad song and they had overheard.) and won't love someone like him back.
Keith has become Lance's friend over time, and when Lance dropped the whole rivalry thing they actually get along really well. That being said, Lance is the only one Keith actually goes out of his way to talk to. Without Lance there, Keith will have the chance to make more friends with everybody else and not just him. He'll be closer with Shiro again, find a love better suited to him, and probably find Mothman with Pidge. Hunk is a better option as a best friend, not Lance.
Sure, Lance actually goes out of his way to talk to Keith, challenge him in a friendly way, bring him food when he trains for hours on end, call off his training when he goes for too long, and listen to him rant about his issues when he’s too scared to tell anyone else.
That doesn’t mean that Keith likes him back, or that Keith can’t find and make better friends. He’s a placeholder, so anyone with the title of blue paladin could be friends with Keith. A better friend, companion, love—he really does love Keith. What if he just tells him all this in person? Maybe then…
Then what? Then he’ll love me back? See me as something more? How could he—or anyone for that matter—see something in nothing? They can’t. Move on.
Allura and Coran are next.
Lance is still crying, trying to hold in his sobs as he writes down his second to last letter. He hopes Coran will be okay without him. Allura will because she never liked Lance anyways, but oh how he wishes that wasn’t true. He wanted to have beauty days with her on occasion, but whenever he asked it seemed to be the wrong time because she said “I’m not in the mood for you trying to court me, Lance.” (She always regretted it because Lance does have flawless skin and she feels like a lizard.)
He is about to move onto Coran’s part of the letter when there is a knock on his door, followed by, “Hey Lance, are you up? I need my best bud to help with a new recipe I made.”
Lance hesitates, before setting down his materials and going with Hunk with an enthusiastic “Sure! Show me what you got, my man.”
He is a bit too enthusiastic, maybe, but if Hunk saw how red his eyes were he doesn’t comment on it.
Why would he? Like I said, he’s my best friend but in the end he won't care if I lived or died or cried at night-
Hunk hugs him before he can finish that thought.
“Lance.. If something is bothering you, or you’re spiralling again, then tell me. I’m always here for you, cooking be damned. You are first in my books.”
He sniffs, but doesn't say anything. He just gives a small nod and lets himself be held for a bit before they go to the kitchen. He is far beyond that making him feel better. He won't tell Hunk—can’t tell Hunk—and will keep it that way.
-
Hunk drugs his food. He makes soup for Lance, and not even five minutes later Lance is passed out cold in his chair. Lucky for him, Hunk carries him to bed. When he wakes up, he feels warm, and realises that Hunk had brought him to his own room because he felt it would comfort Lance a bit to sleep with his bestie again.
To be fair: yes, it did help him get a decent sleep, but he has to leave quickly so he can get dressed in his jacket. While Hunk knows about his old scars, he sure as hell doesn’t need to know about the new ones. The rest of the team doesn’t need to know either.
This is what he would like, but he left his jacket in the dining room last night where everyone is for breakfast.
Great. Fantastic. Wonderful. Here he goes.
Lance makes his way quickly into the dining room, only to be met face to face with Keith and Pidge.
“Morning, Lance.” Pidge yawns. She hasn’t had her space coffee yet it seems.
“Morning, Pidgeotto,” he ruffles her hair and turns to Keith, “Morning, Keith. I’m busy this morning so I’m just gonna grab my jacket, some goo, and then go.”
Keith stops him by grabbing his wrist. Crap.
“Lance… what are these?”
Pidge takes a glance and—are those tears in her eyes?
Lance pulls away. “None of your business, Keith. Now I have very important things to do so…”
Keith and Pidge stare at each other, then at Lance only to see him with his jacket back on, goo in hand, and running down the halls back to his room. Hell will freeze over before he says anything about that. That information is for the last letter. For now, he has to write Coran’s part before lunch.
He can do this, so long as no other interruptions come to him.
-
Apparently the world is out to make him suffer because he is just about to start on the group letter when a knock sounds on his door.
I’m fine I always lock it-
The door slides open and the team comes in with worried looks on their faces.
Fuck.
“Hey, Lance, we need to- what are you doing?”
Lance rushes to wipe his eyes and hide the letters, but Keith grabs his arms and Pidge grabs the letters.
“No no no no no don’t- you can’t- I was so close… damn it!”
He broke. Tears were falling and the team was taken aback. Keith lets go and Lance takes the chance to leave the room and run down to Blue. He can’t handle it, he can’t tell them now.
He’s doomed.
-
Lance sits in Blue, sobbing and shaking. He messed up, he should’ve just kept it all to himself until the end. He should’ve just ended things, ended himself sooner, but no, he just had to drag it out and write those stupid letters—oh god, the letters.
He starts crying again, very tempted to break his streak again, when he hears something outside of Blue. She turns on her internal speaker so Lance can hear them.
“Lance! Lance, please, come down and just talk to us!”
It was Keith. No, he can’t see any of them. He knows they read the letters, he knows he will have to tell them everything, but he just can’t.
“Lance.. Please… I already lost one sibling, Lance, and I won’t lose you too.”
Pidge sounds so hurt, so scared… she is always so strong because she has to be, but now she sounds smaller than her actual age. He takes a chance and looks at the members of his team on Blue’s screen.
Pidge is crying, full out sobbing and still calling for him through each hiccup. Hunk isn’t any better; he looks like he is about to claw his way up and into Blue just to see if Lance is okay. Keith is… he looks so weak. Keith is usually strong and broody, but now he cries and clutches onto his letter—oh shit—blushing a bit. He looks like he did back before the garrison. Shiro looks worse than all three of them. He is crying, yelling about losing another teammate because he failed as a leader and that they all care so please just come out.
Allura didn’t have any words, she just weeps and tries talking to him through Blue. He almost gives in and leaves, but remembers again and stops himself. He takes a moment to keep crying to himself before looking back out again. Coran.
Coran looks devastated beyond belief. He was crying, and calling out to Lance, “I already lost a son, I don’t want to lose another. Please, Lance, come down. Your team- no, your family is here for you.”
Lance is hesitant, how can he trust them? That’s just it though, he can’t.
You can take a chance though, my paladin.
It’s Blue; she’s talking to and soothing him over his own thoughts.
They are your second family; their lions are telling me such as well. Everyone is worried about you. Instead of hiding, why not take a chance. Tell them how you feel, why you wanted to leave. I want you to be happy.
I don’t know, Blue. Can I trust them? Can I really get better?
You can. Not right away, but with time and support, you will. Go on now, my child.
Lance takes a deep breath. Blue lowers her particle barrier and he takes the chance and steps out to his family.
“I’ll talk once we’re in a different space—” he is cut short by being jumped on by Pidge, bear hugged by Hunk, and practically suffocated by the rest of the team.
Everything is a loud, crying, hugging blur as they make their way to the common room. Despite his fear, Lance feels he is more ready to tell them now.
-
They are all seated in a cuddle puddle on a pile of blankets and weird yet oddly comfy Altean pillows on the floor of the common room. Keith is laying in Lance’s lap, holding his hand. Pidge is on one side, Hunk on his other. Coran is next to Allura and Shiro.
“So, you all read your letters…” they all nod.
What a failure I am. Write letters to die and couldn’t even keep those hidden long enough to succeed this time.
“Lance, please talk to us.” Pidge says.
“I just- I don’t know. You all probably know that I’m insecure, but it goes deeper than just that. Way deeper.”
Self harm level deep but I can’t just say that.
“I can’t see any value in myself and this last week my mind proved that to me so what do I do? Write those.”
How pathetic can one person be? Very.
His voice is shaking, “I’m so pathetic aren’t I? Telling you all this when you have so many more important issues to worry about not just me.”
“Lance…” Allura starts, but he cuts in again, louder this time.
“What purpose do I even serve here?! I don’t exactly have a thing! I’m not loved or confident enough to love myself either so where does that leave me?”
Empty and alone that’s where. Why the hell would they care.
“I don’t know how to handle this and I can’t tell you all everything but I have to to get better right? That being said why would you care anyways?”
He hadn’t noticed, but at some point he started crying and can’t seem to stop. Everyone looks at him, pained. They let him cry.
I’m just a placeholder. None of them need me here. I don’t belong. I don’t- I don’t belong I never did!
“I did what I did because…”
He starts to shake. He’s breaking down. His walls are breaking he can’t-
“I wanted to…” HIs hands are shaking, he’s crying harder than he has before.
I wanted to die.
He can’t take it.
“I just want to feel again! Feel something other than nothing at all! To not feel an endless hate for myself!”
Everyone is taken aback, but he continues, “Feel like I was worth something more than nothing! Though, in the end-” he chokes out a sob instead and finishes in his head.
I can’t make something from nothing
The wall breaks, and with it so does he. He cries, and screams. This isn’t the cliche cries you see in movies; this is loud and rampant, raging like a river during a storm. His emotions are the storm and his pain is the river. Any dams he built are being destroyed by the sheer force of it all.
He can’t tell how long he cries for. He curls in on himself and sobs. The team, not really knowing how to react, hugs him. He has been faking, hiding, and lying for so long that he hasn’t even taken time to let himself be without his guard up. He needs this.
He speaks softly, just barely above a whisper, but loud enough for them to hear, “You wouldn’t have missed me.”
Pidge is the first to speak after that. Her voice is soft, yet stern..
“Lance, listen to me,” She takes a breath and stares him dead in the eyes. “I don’t know what exactly could make someone, while a bit annoying at times, hate themselves so much to want to die. I do know that you’re better than that. You love us too much to just up and leave, right?”
He doesn’t reply, just looks away. Pidge grabs his face, hurt and anger burning in her eyes.
“Lance, you know I’m right! What the hell were you thinking?! I know it's not easy, but please just talk to us about these things! I was scared beyond belief when I saw your scars, I almost cried then too actually. If you seriously can’t see that we care, that I care, then we’ll make sure you do.”
“You’re like a brother to me, Lance…” she lets go of his face and buries her own in his chest, “Please, don’t do that again. Don’t scare us that much again. I can’t lose any more family than I already have.”
“Oh my god, Pidge,” Lance hugs her tight. She’s right, he has scared them all. He didn’t give himself the time to think of his team.
I was selfish. They do care, even if I can’t see it. Do they rea-
His brief internal conflict is cut short. Hunk and Keith had glomped onto him, accompanying Pidge.
“Pidge is right, Lance. You’re my best friend! I’ve known you since before time itself. I knew you were struggling before the letters came into play since this week hasn’t exactly been great…” Hunk took a steadying breath, “But despite that, I still wanted to make sure you were okay. You didn’t say anything so I just assumed you were wanting help but felt awkward asking and drugged your food, then I saw Keith and Pidge looked distressed. They told me about your scars and I was like ‘Ohhhh noooo’ so I got the team to come talk to you but then the letters happened and you broke down.”
Hunk looks so upset, “I was so close to climbing up Blue! You tried to kill yourself once and I had almost been too late then-”
“Hunk, slow down. Breathe,” Lance cuts him off since he’s starting to look frantic.
“What if I lost you for real this time, Lance!” Hunk is usually fairly quiet, so this took everyone by surprise. Lance looks at his friend and starts to cry.
“Hunk, I-” He can’t finish it.
I what? I’m sorry for being a careless friend. I regret not considering that I’m not the only one aware of my pain. I just want to tell Hunk that it’s okay and that I’m okay but I’ve lied enough this week.
“I know, but I just- why didn’t you at least try to tell me? Aren’t I your best friend?”
Lance tackles Hunk this time. “You are my best friend! I was just scared but that’s no excuse because you’re you!”
Hunk really is too good to me.
Hunk hugs him back, “You don’t have to tell us everything now buddy. We understand. Just don’t keep it to yourself again. Blue was worried, I was worried. He may be broody but even Keith was worried.”
Lance shoots a glance at Keith who has been watching it all from a few inches away.
“There’s not much I can say. Hunk said it all for me,” He gave a look to Hunk, somewhat communicating his thanks, “But the one thing he left out is that I was about to fight whatever was making you upset even if I was included there. I swear you must really be an idiot if you think we don’t care.”
“Wow, Keith, way to be sentimental-”
Shiro clears his throat, and Lance looks over before he can finish.
“Keith’s not-exactly-great way of saying he cares aside,” He looks at Lance and Lance recoils a bit, “I just want you to know that Allura and I, while we may not talk to you much, - which, granted, is rude and inconsiderate - we do care about you and value you both as a teammate, and as a friend.”
Allura speaks this time, “Shiro is right, Lance. I don’t understand humans well, but I have experienced loss and great pain because of it. No one here would’ve been okay with losing you.”
He wipes away a few stray tears and gives Allura a brief hug, followed by a small smile.
It felt forced for a long time, yet here I am. I love these guys so much.
Coran takes the chance to tap him on the shoulder, prompting Lance to turn and face him.
“Lance, my boy. The last time I cried over a loss was the night after I awoke from my slumber; after Altea was destroyed. I was devastated, because I knew that the son, the family I once had had was gone forever.”
Coran has a sad smile on his face, “After meeting you, Lance, you were the only one who I considered close to family. You’re so much like the son I once had. If I had to lose another child to the Galra, or to his own inner torment… I don’t think I could handle it,” He looks at Lance before pulling him into a hug, “We all want you to know that you were never alone. We are here for you, my boy. When you need us, we’ll be there. Never forget that.”
Coran and Lance begin to cry again. Lance is held safely by Coran, soon followed by his team- no, his family.
“Thank you,” Lance starts softly, “All of you. It’s not immediately better, but it's a start. One that I needed. Thank you. I love all of you so, so much.”
I’m proud of you, my paladin.
Thank you, Blue.
They hug it out, cancel the mission, and plan to have a spa day instead the next day.
Things won’t get better right away; things will take time, as does everything, but they’ll get there. He’ll be okay one day. After all, he has his space family there for him.