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I sat atop the cliff face and stared longingly into the crashing waves below. I sighed, deeply, my legs now hanging freely off the jagged edge. My gaze shifted from the repetitive motion of the sea below, to the dark and gloomy skies ahead. It matched my mood perfectly.
I always came here when I was upset, angry or just wanted to escape everything. It always calmed me down. The constant noise from the waves as they pelted the rocks. The slight breeze that made me shiver. The screeching of the seagulls flying high in the sky without a care in the world. Or perhaps the best is that no one knew I was here so no one came looking for me. Everything was always the same here and that was enough to calm me down most days. Not today though.
Far in the distance I heard children playing and shouting happily, they had no idea what it was like. They were happy. I wasn't. In fact I was possibly the furthest from it a person could be. I can't even remember the last time I was happy, truly happy not just faking it. That's not normal, I was messed up and I knew it. I was suffocating under a blanket of depression that would never let me be happy.
Well now I was tired of faking it. Tired of putting on a fake smile and pretending to be ok, so people would stop acting like they cared. They don't care, not properly. If they did then they would see through the fake smiles. They would question me when I said I was fine but clearly wasn't. And worst of all if they truly cared they would help no matter what I said, but they don't and it has been slowly helping to kill me. Along with everything else in this world.
It would be so easy. So easy to just end it all. To just jump off this cliff, right now and never have to deal with every bit of shit this world throws at me. To stop feeling. Feeling all the pain and misery they put me through. Even if they don't know they're doing it everyone hurts me, no matter what I say. If there is a God then they don't care, like everyone else. The air around me was becoming colder as it got later and it would be dark soon but still no one would try to find me. Not yet anyway.
No one would miss me. No one truly cares, like I said before. They always leave or forget me in the end. Everyone does even if they say they won't but they still will. They have no idea what it's like to have everyone leave them. But they leave when I need them the most and never come back. It's easy for them to forget me, I'm nothing to anyone not even my own mother. I guess that's why I like the cliff face so much, it will never leave me. It will always be here and it always has been, and i like that. It's the only constant in my life, the constants I so desperately crave.
The skies darkened as the clouds cover the sun and it began to silently rain. The droplets like tiny bullets being fired at the world down below. It was when I sat here in the rain that I made my choice. It all ends tonight. My pathetic excuse of a life ends here. Once and for all, I was doing what I should have done years ago. My battle against life was ending and I was losing, but I don't care. By now I welcome death. I was always being rejected, put down, ignored or insulted and I'd had enough. I couldn't take it any longer. I just couldn't carry on anymore.
I reach down into my bag and take out my notebook and pen. I move to sit under a secluded bit of rock so the paper spent get wet while I write.
To whoever finds this,
If you are reading this then know that I am dead. I killed myself. I jumped off the edge of a cliff into the welcoming arms of death. Please stop reading now and take this letter to my mum at 74 woodland road. The rest is for my mums eyes only.
Dear mum,
You weren't a great mother but you were better than some. First off before I get into why, I want you to know that this was not your fault. So don't go blaming yourself and thinking it was your fault because it's not. You only play a small part in my death. You never did any harm to me, which I am thankful for, but you never helped me either which was the problem. You were never concerned about me, you never took an interest in what I was doing and it killed me. I craved any attention from you and when I never got any it made me feel unloved and alone. It was horrible feeling like I couldn't tell you anything or that you wouldn't understand if I did open up to you.
But this was my choice. While you contributed to my death I am not blaming you, please remember that. I wanted to die, everyday I wished for death and today my wish came true. I couldn't handle it anymore. The daily bullying and tormenting at school. The constant abuse; verbally, physically and mentally. Getting told repeatedly I was worthless, fat, ugly, a slut and that the world would be better off without me. It was torture, pure torture.
And the thing is they were right. I was worthless and ugly and now the world will be better that I've gone. I've given them what they wanted, and some may call me weak and pathetic but I agree with them. I was weak and pathetic but now I am dead. The world will continue as normal, me dying won't make a difference to anything that matters. Of course you will be sad for a while but you'll get over me and eventually forget me.
But just know this. You have failed me, as a parent, as a friend and as someone that I could have talked to. You and everyone else in this stupid world failed me. You left me when I needed you most. You left when you promised not to. That's what you became to me in the end: a broken promise and unreliable. Just another person that pretended to care, and you left me feeling more worthless than I already did.
But thanks for at least pretending to care, even if you didn't really. Thanks for putting up with me these last 15 years. Please remember that this isn't your fault and I still loved you even though it felt like that love wasn't reciprocated and finally goodbye. For the last time.
Never let them take the light behind your eyes. I let them take the light behind mine but you are stronger than I could have ever been.
Charlie xxx
I started crying as I finished the letter, I stood up and put the letter by bag and putting them both somewhere noticeable. I just sat there for a while, crying until my eyes dried and I ran out of tears. I walked over to the cliff, head down and defeated. I stare into the gentle waves below that will soon become my friend. Suddenly the rain and wind both cease and the sun comes out from behind a grey cloud. This is the last time I will ever see the sun and I don't know how that makes me feel.
I soon push these thoughts out of my mind and take a deep breath, preparing myself for what's about to happen. Then I come to a sudden realisation as I walk closer to the edge. I am happy. Actually properly happy. Happy about ending everything and not having to face anymore shit. A small smile spreads across my face and my heart starts beating increasingly faster as I jump over the edge.
My final thoughts, that for the first time i can remember I am happy. Happy for real this time and not faking for the sake of others around me. I felt the wind rush me, not an ounce of fear in me as I plummet towards the sea, and my smile grows wider. Another second passes before I hit the water with an almighty splash. Pain and coldness temporarily paralysing me before everything goes black and I stop feeling. Forever.