Chapter Text
Leviticus 18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind, because it is an abomination.
The young man closed the book furiously, and slammed it against the bed. He leaned forward and drove one hand in his hair.
„I didn’t exactly want to read this…“ he whispered into the silence. He had a splitting headache, he was trying to cope with the new events for several days, but his effort was in vain…The pictures of dying Kleki-Petra were constantly being replaced with the hateful face of Rattler, or with the images of boozed engineers and woodsmen. And then, as a contrast to this human trash, he has always seen the noble face of the young Apache. He reached for the Bible, seeking peace and solace in the words of God, and he had to open the book exactly on a place which reminded him of his own sin.
He was living in peace, wonderful peace…, after he got off the ship on the American shore. Peace, finally. He could begin anew. Anew! Nobody here knew who he truly was – a felon, a criminal, a pervert…No one! He could start all over again, with a clean shield, which would be simply impossible at home, back in the good old Germany!
He was struggling through life as possible, and when he got a position of a private teacher, he felt happy. Several times he was planning to write a letter home, telling his parents that he finally teaches, even if only two children in a rich family. But he is a teacher, after all! He fulfilled what was planned for him…He was putting away cent by a cent, so that one day – after he returns home – he could come to his fatigued parents at the end of their lives, and compensate them for all the suffering he had caused them. All of a sudden, what an awesome thing happened! The salary of a surveyor…When he was signing the contract, he had the dollars already exchanged to golden coins in his mind. His dream of returning home was getting closer. He imagined himself entering the house of his parents, his father getting up from the weaving loom, his mother turning her gaze from the stove, while he is placing one gold coin after another on the table…
And later there came the weeks outside, in the prairie, in the astonishing nature, not yet devastated by mankind, but in this beauty there was a group of men of such a disgusting behavior and repulsive appearance, that he stayed completely calm, he was not attracted to anyone of this rabble, he did not have to deal with this unpleasant part of his personality. And he was happy and grateful for it. Not enough? Or why has the temptation returned and the devil poked out his horns again?
The wrongfulness of the death of such an interesting man as Kleki Petra has struck the young man more than he was willing to admit. How much their conversation gave to him! He could not have talked with anyone so honestly, since he had walked out the gate of the prison. He felt that if he had more time, he would probably confide to this man even more than he ever confided to the priest Kocht. And Kleki Petra opened his heart to him in return. It was an amazing conversation with a man, who was also fighting the inner demons, the sin, the fate. Just like the young man did himself.
And Winnetou? Why is the God tempting him again, was not he tempted enough already? Why is he still seeing the graceful movements of the Indian in his dreams? Why is he remembering his charming face, his splendid black hair and his velvety eyes? Why? Why is he waking up aroused and…it was worse than ever before. Naturally, from time to time he met a man who had attracted him, allured him. Such as the stoker, a colleague with whom he was tossing coal into the furnace that propelled the steamboat taking him here, to the New world. And also there were others…But he always managed to control himself, he suppressed the longing, the twisted lust. Just like the priest Kocht advised him. The priest’s words arose in his mind:
„Why do you think I am here? Why do you think I became a priest in a prison? Every day I have in front of my eyes the place where I will end up, if I succumb. And at the same time I am not tempted unnecessarily. Here the altar servers recruit from the robbers or the murderers, simply from the adult men. I do not have to fight the temptation when they are changing into the gowns in the vestry. I do not know if I would be strong enough, having to witness every day, before every mass…Believe what I’m telling you. Avoid even the thoughts! You may say to yourself – I can dream, it will not hurt anyone. It will! It will hurt you! Feed the desire for the sin, and your lust will grow! I am talking from my own experience! You have to suppress this side of your personality and you mustn’t succumb to the devil inside of you, just like I do it. It is the only way which can bring you peace, which leads to salvation!”
And so he tried not to think, not to desire, not to dream. Sometimes it was easier, sometimes more difficult, but never impossible. Until now. Vinnetou kept entering his dreams all the time, just a moment of inattention was enough, and his thoughts immediately turned to the Indian. His longing was strong like never before, perhaps only the desire for Carpio had been similar.
„O my god, god…Carpio… No! Stop these thoughts! They do not lead to anything good! Will you never learn?” he asked himself desperately. He tried to distract his thoughts some other way.
Grizzly, the giant bear! And he killed it on his own, alone, only with a knife! If someone had predicted this to him a year ago, he would not have believed it. He would not have considered it possible. Could someone sensible fight such a beast only with a knife? But a man proposes and God disposes. He regretted not being able to save Howard, yet at the same time he could not deny a feeling of pride he felt for himself. And he was also pleased with the praise he got from the others, especially with the admiration he read in the eyes and the words of the young Apache…
He clenched his fists. Again his thoughts are wandering in a place where they should not be at all.
„What should I do?“ he sighed.
Quickly measure the last section under the protection of the Kiowas, and then hurry back to the East, back to the civilization. And after that? Return home, visit the parents, and then what? Which direction is his life supposed to go? He didn’t know…
Why only Intschu-Tschuna did not allow him to leave with them together? His request was based upon an immediate, thoughtless decision, but he felt it would have been right. He could fulfill the promise he gave to the dying compatriot. He could discover something, even when he was not exactly sure what it should be, but he was convinced it would be worth trying. Suddenly he felt chills down his back, he shuddered. Would it be worth losing the second chance God gave him? Did not he ask for permission to join the Indians and did not he promise to Kleki-Petra to protect the Apaches only because of his concupiscence? He did not know the Apaches, he did not know anything about them, yet he immediately offered to go with them! Where would it lead to? Where? Would it end up the same way it did the first time, when he turn away from God because of Carpio? Or would he perhaps control himself and tame his desire, after all such a noble person as Vinnetou seemed to be, would not indulge in something so perverted. But how can he be sure? How can he be sure that the demons, which had already destroyed his life once, will not rise up again? And they did not destroy only his life! The only security was in faith, only God could protect him.
He fell on his knees.
„Our father, who art in heaven….“