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The last thing Josh remembers seeing clearly is a sunset.
It wasn’t just a sunset thought. It was the most beautiful thing Josh has ever seen in his life.
The ocean was smooth and calm, reflecting all of the beauty that painted the sky at that magical moment. The clouds were bathed in golden light where it blended in a whole pallet of colors , varying from orange, to pink, to yellow. Josh was sitting at the very edge of the cliff, dangling his legs above the water as the breeze played with his hair. It was the calmest he’s ever felt in his life as he watched the sun slowly creep to the horizon and finally hide, leaving a masterpiece on the sky behind it.
That was the last time Josh ever saw the sun.
The night that followed was one he will never forget. The headache, the numbness in his limbs, the fatigue, the pain in his eyes, they were the beginning of his journey to blindness. It all started during the band practice that evening, while he was banging on his drums , too taken away by music to notice something was going wrong. His vision blurred in and out and by the time they were done with practice he was so exhausted he couldn’t make it to his room alone.
He was helped by his band mates to his bed where he crumbled down, overtaken by fatigue and weakness. He didn’t think much of it back then, giving the fatigue to the intense drumming and overworking. He worked at two jobs back then, trying to make enough money to buy a good drum set and finally go on the road with his band.
As he lay in bed things got worse and his vision deteriorated to the point where he could only see silhouettes of objects. His head hurt, his eyes hurt when he moved them and when he tried to get up his body refused to cooperate.
Panicking , he called Chris, one of his band mates and the only one with a car to drive him to the hospital.
By the time they got to the ER Josh could almost see nothing. Chris had to lead him inside, afraid that his friend will bump into a wall or something like that and hurt himself.
Multiple test were done, medication was given, different doctors would come to see him. It went on all night.
He barely got any sleep , but he wishee he hasn’t. When he opened his eyes in what must’ve been the morning he was met with pitch black darkness.
The doctors told him it could only be temporary , a result of his optic nerves being inflamed. That didn’t stop the anxiety and fear from spreading through his veins at the thought of losing his sight.
Josh stayed at the hospital and went through treatment with steroids that stopped the infection, but even though he was doing better according to the doctors his vision didn’t come back.
He was released from the hospital two weeks later with no more optical nerve inflammation and no vision at all.
Another week later, during a scheduled checkup Josh was told that he has Multiple sclerosis - condition which can affect the brain and/or spinal cord, causing a wide range of potential symptoms, including problems with vision, arm or leg movement, sensation or balance.
The good news were that his type of MS turned out to be Relapsing-remitting -the most popular form of MS. That means that the disease is separated by periods of remission where he won’t experience any symptoms or have lighter ones and periods of relapses when new or increasing neurologic symptoms will occur.
And that’s how all of a sudden, with no warning and no preparation Josh was blind and had an incurable illness. At the age of 23.
He felt like his life was over which was partially true. His old life as a healthy and normal person was gone forever.
The hopes of having his vision back slowly faded as time went by and nothing changed. He saw many specialists over the next couple of months, but nobody could give him any option for treatment. Both of his optical nerves were damaged irreversibly. Josh was going to be blind for the rest of his life.
He had to move back to his parents’ house after losing both of his jobs and finding a new one turned out to be mission impossible. He had to give up his band and his dreams of touring the state with them. His long life dream of becoming a professional drummer was crushed and losing that took away Josh’s purpose to live and exist.
He fell into depression. The fall was quite painful and left him alone and filled with grief and fear. His friends kept playing music without him. They found a new drummer and went on tour while Josh stayed home, all alone, in darkness and in pain. He was happy for his friends, he knew they would succeed one day, but it still hurt like salt on a fresh wound. They didn’t need him to succeed. He was replaced pretty quickly and forgotten even faster. His past band mates stopped calling him a couple of months later and honestly Josh didn’t want to hear them either. He didn’t have the emotional stability to listen to them talk about how much fun they’re having on tour.
His life turned into one long and painful cycle of being sick and in pain for months and spending the next couple of months in remission trying to recover from the damage that was done to his body by the vicious disease.
The relapses often brought fatigue and general weakness that immobilized him and chained him to his bed for weeks. Muscle spasms left his entire body stiff and aching and the chronic pain in his spinal cord could only be numbed by strong painkillers.
At 23, Josh was thinking about dying more often than not. He couldn’t picture living the rest of his life in this pitiful state and that thought often brought him pretty close to committing suicide.
Аt 25 Josh is still alive and thinking about death as of a way out of his situation. Being locked away for weeks all alone in his room gives him plenty of time and opportunity to think about dying and all of the ways he could do it.
Whenever it gets too much, Josh gathers up his entire strength and shuffles down to the cliff where the memories of seeing the sun set for the last time rest.
He knows the road that leads there so well he doesn’t really need his sight. Josh grips the cane in his hand tightly and grits his teeth. His left leg has been numb for a couple of days and moving it requires inhuman strength on his part. He can’t really rest his weight on that leg, so instead of using the thin stick to navigate through the rocky path he uses it as support.
The breeze caresses his face and Josh knows that in front of him, only a few feet away lies the mighty ocean he’s seen so many times. He takes careful steps towards the edge, until his cane falls through , signaling the end of the cliff.
Josh stands there for a moment , willing his legs to fold so he can sit on the edge of the cliff without tumbling over. Not that he’d mind flying down , but unfortunately there’s water below , not rocks or land. He will likely not fall to his death, but end up drowning instead which is one of his biggest fears especially now that he can’t see.
His left leg is jelly ,so Josh relies completely on his right one and the cane in order to lower himself down. Once on the ground he dangles his feet above the abyss below and takes a deep breath. It smells like salt and hope and memories of a life that used to be his, but is lost forever.
Josh closes his eyes even though it’s not really necessary anymore. Light doesn’t reach his eyes or his heart any longer. The sunlight touches his skin and Josh can almost see the rays of sunshine reflect on the water, creating a whole ensemble of dancing light.
He knows that the sun is about to set any moment so he does what he has been doing whenever things got too difficult to bear. He opens his eyes and tries to recreate every single detail about the beautiful sunset that marked the last day he had his sight. He remembers the colors, orange, red, blue , gold . Vibrant, yet so soft and gentle.
His eyes fill with tears, because he can almost touch that memory with the tips of his fingers, he can almost reach it but it slips away , unreachable, distant and getting further and further away from him with every passing day. The thought that one day he will probably forget how the sunset looks is unbearable, but he knows that inevitably that day will come.
He will no longer see the rays of sunshine play with the soft clouds, he will forget how the sun looked when it was bathed in soft red color , sinking slowly into the ocean’s embrace.
One day all of that will be replaced by pitch blackness and Josh knows that on that particular day he will no longer have a reason to continue living.
The tears are so hot on his face when they slide out of his eyes and make their way down his cheeks. Josh doesn’t lift his hands to wipe them away , because he knows that more will come. The sound of waves crashing against the rocks underneath him soothe some of the pain away, but the aching for something he can no longer reach spreads all over his body and demands his attention.
The sun has probably set now. It’s over, Josh can tell by the way the air has gotten cooler and the softness on his face is gone. The traces of the sun’s touch will linger on his skin until tomorrow though, when he will probably come back, if he has the strength.
Finally wiping his face Josh grabs the cane with one hand and uses it to push himself up, groaning from the pain in both his legs. His body is unbearably weak, protesting against the movement and pulling him back towards the ground. If he falls now, he will probably not be able to get up by himself.
Just as that though crosses his mind, something hits him pretty hard on his left side and sends him crashing down on the grass. Surprised, Josh yelps and straightens his hand to soften the fall and not land face first on the ground. The thing that hit him also yelps or rather squeals somewhere close to him and shuffles next to him in the warm grass.
At first Josh is convinced that it’s some kind of scared animal running into him accidentally but the quiet “ Shit, fuck “ that breaks the silence somewhere next to him makes him think otherwise.
“ Shit, I’m sorry “ the someone apologies and Josh almost misses the apology because the person speaks so quietly. “ Are you like… hurt ? “
Josh sits there for a couple of seconds and tries not to burst out crying from the pain in his legs and rocks back and forth. He counts from one to ten and then backwards, until the initial pain subsides and he can take a deep breath.
“ It’s fine “ he grits through his teeth and lifts his left leg off the ground with both hands. He can’t feel the fingers wrap around his own leg , the numbness stealing away his ability to experience touch or sensation. Sometimes he loses sensitivity in his hands can’t even eat without getting the food all over himself.
“ Didn’t see you “ the voice speaks up and it sounds like one of those waves that crash into the rocks somewhere beneath them. Smooth like water, but it wavers and breaks in the end just like the waves.
“ Can you pass me my cane ? I can’t find it “ Josh says while touching the ground around him in search for his lost cane. It must’ve flew somewhere when he fell.
“ Cane ? “ the voice sounds panicked and nervous “ Shit, I don’t see it. Are you sure you had it with you ? “
“ I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to make it here without it “ Josh reports and rubs his right leg that’s not numb like the left one , but hurts quite a lot.
“ Shit “ this guy sure loves to curse Josh notices , still feeling around himself with his free hand in hopes of finding his stick and get the hell out of here. He’s already getting cold and probably should’ve taken his pills already.
“ I can’t find it, I’m sorry. Maybe it flew down “ the fragile voice shakes , resembling a leaf hanging on an autumn a tree, about to fly down.
“ It’s fine “ it’s not really fine, but he doesn’t want to take it out on a complete stranger. He didn’t knock Josh on purpose so what’s the point in being an ass ? “ Could you help me up ? I ‘ll probably make it home without the cane, but I don’t think I can get up “
“ I’m … “ the guy hesitates “ Um .. do you live far? I can help you back to your house “ The nervousness is not turned into worry, Josh can tell because since losing his ability to see his other senses has improved remarkably. Maybe it’s because he can’t look into the person’s eyes to see if they’re being honest or not he can distinct different emotions just from hearing the person speak. He never knew it was possible until he lost his sight to, hear someone’s character just from listening to them talk or laugh.
This guy, whoever he is definitely sounds like he’s falling apart. His voice is soft, yet edgy with an underlying fear of something. The tremble in his voice resembles a soft November rain that soaks you to the bone and leaves you freezing.
“Seriously, I’m sorry about tripping you over. I can call an ambulance if you’re not feeling well ? “ there’s actual fear now laced in the voice. Josh must look pretty pitiful, sitting on the ground with wet face and holding onto his leg like it’s about to fall off.
“ No, no need to call anyone. Just please help me up because my ass hurts from sitting on these rocks “ Josh tries to joke , but doesn’t know if it worked or not. He can’t tell what the man feels if he doesn’t speak.
A moment passes and then another, but nothing happens. Josh thinks that maybe the guy got scared or bored and left, but there were no footsteps to signal his departure.
“ I-I’m umm .. I’m giving you a hand … ? “ it comes out as a question and Josh wants to slap himself on the face pretty hard. This guy doesn’t know that Josh is blind. And how could he ? Josh isn’t wearing glasses and his eyes look pretty normal if you don’t know that he’s blind.
“ Oh sorry. “ Josh apologizes and puts his hands in front of himself, searching for the other pair. His fingers bump into a delicate and bony wrist and wrap around it. It doesn’t feel like any other wrist he has ever touched. The skin there is soft , but patched with roughness when he moves his thumb a little. That roughness feels like scarred tissue.
Those delicate hands come out pretty strong because Josh finds himself standing a couple of moments later, supported by the stranger until he finds his ground. That’s when the pain hits him and he has to double over and try to breathe as deep as he can.
This relapse episode has been too rough on him. Other than the usual weakness, fatigue and sensitivity loss he has been having seizures and muscle cramps that hurt quite a lot. The nature of his illness iInclines for his condition to get worse. It’s different for every individual with MS , but in time inevitably the symptoms worsen as his condition progresses.
“ Here, lean on me “ one of Josh’s hand is being wrapped around a delicate shoulder and he clings to it, grateful for the additional support. “ Can you even walk ? “
“ Yeah, I’m fine to walk “ Josh grits his teeth as they start moving. He favors his left leg that’s still absolutely numb and puts most of it on his right one while holding onto the stranger’s shoulder and neck.
“ Um.. you need to direct me to where we need to go. “ the voice wavers and Josh hears the echo of waves crashing into rocks again.
„ Just follow this path until you see houses. Mine is the small white one with the ugly blue fence “ he hears the guy next to him let out a tiny sound that mirrors a chuckle or giggle and smiles himself “ It honestly is pretty ugly “
It’s a pretty slow walk, considering how little Josh can use his left leg and how much his right one hurts. They don’t speak, because Josh is pretty shy and awkward especially now that he has a disability and his companion doesn’t seem very talkative either. It gets uncomfortable after a while so Josh gives it a try.
“ My name is Josh by the way “ he says and wonders if the guy even noticed that he’s blind.
“ I’m Tyler. It’s nice to meet you “ Tyler says while they keep walking. “ You probably can’t say the same , cause I hit you and all “
“ Actually having someone helping you walk is better than a cane “ Josh admits and smiles, because they are finally talking and it feels oddly nice. He has been shying away from people since the diagnosis turned his life upside down and it’s no wonder he has no friends. It unnerves him that he can’t see the way people look at him, if there’s pity or mocking in their eyes. Tyler could be quietly laughing his ass of at the moment and Josh would have no way to know that. It’s pretty annoying.
“ Why do you need a cane to walk anyway ?” Tyler asks and the question is laughable honestly.
“ Other than being blind ? “ Josh asks and feels the slight trip in Tyler’s walk. It means surprise or shock. The guy really didn’t notice he’s blind then. “ I have trouble moving my legs properly. So I use the cane for support mostly and to navigate if I’m somewhere unfamiliar.”
“ Oh “ Tyler answers and stays quiet. The usual response is “sorry”, but it doesn’t come. „ You don’t look blind “ Tyler blurts out after a good three or four minutes of silence. Josh laughs.
“ Thanks. I’ll take that as a compliment “
“ I honestly didn’t notice “ Tyler answers and Josh can feel the change in his body language. He’s holding Josh a lot more carefully now and tries to direct him instead of just serving as a support.
“ It’s fine, seriously. Actually nice for a change. Not to be looked at as a freak “ Josh adds with a little bit of bitterness In his tone.
“ You’re doing pretty good job looking not blind and all “ Tyler says and Josh smiles. He wishes he could see Tyler’s face. He needs to know whether he’s smiling or frowning in seriousness.
“ I’ve had plenty of time to practice “
“ How long have you been blind ? “ Tyler asks when they make a turn, signaling the arrival to Josh’s house. “ Dude, you weren’t kidding about the fence “ he adds and the adorable giggle that follows feels like the sparkle of sunshine , reflecting off water on a sunny morning.
“ Two years “ Josh answers and feels a pang of sadness in his chest. It feels like two lifetimes , but of course he can’t say that. He never really shares with people about the difficulties of living blind. His parents used to ask him questions about it, but he shut them off most of the time. “ My parents actually love this color” he remarks as they walk through his yard.
“ There are steps in front of you “ Tyler warns Josh, but he knows his house so well he needs no warning.
“ It’s fine, I can climb them “ Josh says but his legs disagree. He can’t lift his left one , so he leans on Tyler in order to get himself to the top of the 4 steps.
“ Are you sure you don’t need to see a doctor or something ? “ Tyler asks carefully , with the ever present worry lacing his tone.
“ I’m sure. Thanks for taking me home “
“ I really am sorry for running into you like that. I was in a rush and didn’t see you “ Tyler apologizes with soft tone and keeps his hold on Josh’s body even though they’ve stopped walking. It’s a mystery to him where exactly the guy was going, because if he didn’t run into Josh he’d end up jumping off the cliff. That thought gives him goosebumps.
“ Where were you going anyway ? “
“ I was just trying to get away “ Tyler says vaguely and it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t want to talk about it. Josh doesn’t push.
“ So … if you’re not in a hurry , you can like .. come in ? “ he blurts out and wonders where that came from. The last time he invited someone over was before he got sick. The silence leaves Josh wishing he has his sight again. Is Tyler considering his proposition ? Or is he trying to come up with a polite way to say no ?
“ I uh .. I don’t know if that’s a great idea “ Tyler mumbles and Josh immediately feels like a complete idiot. Who would want to hang out with a disabled guy who’s painfully awkward and can’t hold a conversation?
“ Of course you don’t have to. I was just suggesting. Because you walked me back to my house and helped me and all. But you can totally say no. I’ll understand “ Josh rambles and feels his checks heat up with shame. If he had any chances of making a new friend he’d totally just blew them by looking too desperate and probably clingy.
“ You really want me to stay ? “ Tyler sounds skeptic and uncertain in himself.
“ Yeah. I do “ Josh confirms and opens the door to his house “ Feel free to come in if you want to. I was going to lie in bed for the rest of the day anyway “
“ Okay, I’ll hang around then “ Tyler says with a hint of happiness in his tone. Generally his voice sounds like a rainy day. Every syllable is a single drop of rainwater hitting the ocean surface and tasting like salt and tears. It’s an incredible mixture of beauty and sadness , like a melody that carries something painful and heart wrenching in its notes but is oh so beautiful.
Josh knows his house so well he doesn’t even need a cane to navigate. He simply holds his arms in front of himself and makes his way towards the kitchen.
“ You can sit down if you want to “ Josh says and busies himself with making coffee. “ Do you want some coffee ? “ he offers
“ Yeah, thanks “
He makes coffee for two and grabs the two steaming cups in both hands, walking slowly back to the living room.
“ I’ll take those “ Tyler’s voice comes from right in front of him and Josh stops in his tracks, not expecting to bump into him. “ Sorry, I just wanted to help you “ Tyler apologizes and takes the two cups from Josh’s hands.
“ It’s fine “ Josh says and feels his way towards the sofa, sitting down heavily. His body feels wrecked and he’s so exhausted it takes him a lot of willpower not to crumble down and fall right asleep. But it’s the first time since he lost his vision that he has someone over that’s not his mother or father or one of his old friends. Making new friends is pretty tough when you don’t go anywhere but the beach or the cliff every once in a while.
“ Do you live alone here ? “ Tyler asks and sips from the coffee.
“ Yeah. My mom comes by to check on me and cooks me food when I run out. She and my dad live nearby “ Josh says and plays with the sleeves of his t-shirt. He’s not good at talking to people, especially now that he can’t see their expressions. Having social anxiety and being blind makes you pretty difficult to socialize with. Despite that Tyler seems to really try.
“ Doesn’t it get lonely sometimes ? I mean living alone and stuff “ It actually is painfully lonely all the time. He misses being hugged and generally the warmth of human touch. It’s his own fault that he doesn’t ever go out even when his friends invite him over, but he can’t bring himself to do it, knowing how painfully aware he will be that he’s blind and generally different than everyone else. His mom actually tried to convince him to go to one of those support groups where other young adults with disabilities can socialize and share their problems, but that sounds even worse than going out with his old friends. Josh doesn’t want to share his problems and he doesn’t want to talk about how difficult it’s been living with MS and mostly losing his ability to play music. Just thinking about it makes him want to run into the ocean and stay there until the waves swallow him whole.
“ It does, sometimes. I don’t have many friends and most of them don’t live around here. “ Josh explains it as short and simple as possible.
“ Don’t they come by to see you ? “
“ I’m not very interesting “ Josh says and sips his coffee , to drown out the choking feeling in his throat. He’s not interesting. He’s sick and in pain a lot of the time and when he’s not In pain he’s anticipating for the pain to come which doesn’t make him very good company.
“ I think you’re pretty cool “ Tyler says and makes Josh snort.
“ You’re funny “ he says and shakes his head.
“ I don’t have friends either “ the hint of sadness makes Josh’s gut twist. This guy could be disabled too for all he knows. He probably has his own problems. He could have social anxiety just like Josh.
“ Why ? “
“ I’m not very interesting either “ Tyler says and sets his cup on the table with a cling. That statement makes Josh think about their meeting up on that lonely deserted cliff. Were they both there for the same reason ? To mourn for something they’ve lost, to look for something to sooth their pain ? Suddenly Josh wants to know more about Tyler.
“ I guess we can be two uninteresting boys hanging out together “ Josh jokes and hears Tyler giggle. His laugh feels like a field of freshly bloomed dandelions in early spring. He can almost smell the flowers , mixed with the scent of rain and fresh dirt.
“ We could “ Tyler says and something makes Josh think he smiles.
**
Tyler leaves an hour later, when Josh can’t stand sitting anymore and has to lie down. They don’t exchange phones or addresses , but Josh secretly wishes they did. There’s a battle inside of him, between the selfish part of him that wants a friend and rebels against the loneliness and the other part that doesn’t want to damage other people out of sheer selfishness.
He knows full well that he could turn someone’s life hell if they got too close, if the other person had to witness his suffering. He’s heard his parents cry from helplessness before and knows that whoever gets close to him is sentenced to have the same fate. But dear God, he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life alone.
His mom brings him a new cane two days later and Josh is out of the house as soon as she’s gone. His left leg is still numb and now his left arm feels almost as lifeless. He limps down the rocky path , using the cane to support himself until he hears the waves crash somewhere far beneath him. His right leg hurts from taking all of the weight and his head hurts as if it’s being crushed in a vice. The pills don’t really help much and he hopes that the sound of the ocean will sooth some of the pain away.
But it’s not the ocean that greets him. There’s something else there, in between the powerful , thunderous sound of waves crashing into rocks that makes Josh stop.
It’s ukulele, Josh recognizes the sound straight away. The melody is simple and repeating, but so beautiful it blends with the sound of waves and the whistling of the wind. Whoever plays, is very talented.
“ That sounds very beautiful “ Josh says and the music seizes. Maybe he should’ve kept his mouth shut and let whoever was playing do it in peace. “ I’m sorry “ he apologizes and turns to leave, feeling like an intruder.
“ I wrote it yesterday “ it’s Tyler’s voice that drips with rain and sadness. Something sparkles in Josh’s chest. He didn’t expect to meet the mysterious stranger again.
“ Can I sit down ? “ Josh asks , hoping to hear some of that music again.
“ Sure. Do you want me to keep playing ? “
“ I’d really love that “ Josh smiles and awkwardly descends down, supported by the wooden stick in his right hand.
Tyler resumes playing. His music somehow blends with the sound of thunder that ripples the air and the smell of upcoming rain that fills Josh’s nostrils. He feels some of his own sadness in Tyler’s music and wonders if maybe the other man wrote this melody just for him. Or maybe he’s as sad and lonely as Josh. Either way , it sounds sad and healing at the same time.
“ It’s about to rain “ Tyler says when he stops playing.
“ Tell me what you see ?” Josh dares to ask and closes his eyes even though there’s not much point to it. It’s dark either way.
“ The sky is grey. The ocean is too. I can’t really tell them apart right now “ Tyler says and Josh dives deep into his memory in search for an image he could connect to Tyler’s words. Rainy day. Grey sky. Clouds. Josh can almost see it.
“ Is it beautiful ? “ Josh asks again and opens his eyes, blinking a couple of times to ease the burn of tears.
“ Yeah. “
“ Hm “ Josh mumbles and breathes in deep, closing his eyes again. He’d never shared these moments with anyone else before. Sitting here, at the edge of this cliff and mourning his old life has always been too private and intimate to share with anyone else.
He doesn’t know why it feels so good to have Tyler next to him, barely touching his shoulder with his own, but for some reason it does. Blindness has always been a sort of solitary confinement for him and having someone to share it with has never occurred to Josh.
But Tyler leans his head on Josh’s shoulder and sighs, making the blind man feel content for the first time since putting his drumsticks to rest. He doesn’t want to leave this place even if it starts raining , even if the storm comes and washes them off the shore and the face of the Earth.
„ Do you mind if I play some more ? “ Tyler asks, still leaning his head on Josh’s shoulder, making him feel warm not only on the outside.
“ No “
Tyler plays the saddest melody Josh has ever heard and the sky starts crying.
**
Josh goes home soaking wet, because he sat there listening to Tyler play while the rain poured down on both of them. It was a bad idea essentially, because he spikes up a fever later that evening and his legs both refuse to carry any weight. His mom comes over to bring him meds and make him tea to help with the pain and fever. Both fail to help.
Josh spends the next couple of days gritting his teeth and biting the edge of his blanket , focusing on how beautifully sad Tyler’s music sounded and how not-lonely he felt around the other man. He’s in the peak of a relapse which means more neurological damage to his already badly damaged body. The pills rarely help during those days , so Josh turns to music. His headphones don’t leave his ears even when his mother is around. It’s not like he has much to say anyway besides how much he hates his MS and the darkness he’s trapped in.
It lasts two more weeks , before Josh can finally crawl out of bed and go outside again. He’s anxious and excited to go back to his spot on the cliff and see if Tyler has been going there while he was away.
He hears the music before his ears catch the sound of the ocean crashing into rocks. Soft ukulele sound that blends so well with the wind and the waves it almost feels natural reaches his ears and make Josh smile.
His cane drags loudly and hits a couple of rocks before it reaches the end of the cliff where Tyler must be sitting. The soft strumming stops and Josh expects a hello or hi, but instead he’s being enveloped in the warmest hug he remembers ever having.
Josh stands there, confused and enchanted by the softness that surround him while his mind races. Tyler is hugging him, holding onto him like it will be painful to let go.
“ I thought you weren’t coming back“ Tyler says with his trembling voice that resembles raindrops and hurricanes and birds singing.
“ Sorry. I was too sick to go out. Were you coming here every day ? “ Josh asks, pressing his face into Tyler’s neck, who’s a few feet taller than him and smells like vanilla and salt.
“ Yeah. I actually went by your house one day, but your mom said you’re too sick to go out. I was so worried “ Tyler squeezes a little bit harder and sniffles. Is he crying ? Josh feels his heart twist with pain from that thought.
“ I’m sorry I got you worried. I have these relapses that last for weeks , sometimes months. I’ll tell my mom to let you in next time “ Josh says and lets Tyler go, feeling a little part of him fill with something else than bitterness and sadness.
“ Okay. But you don’t have to , only if you want to “ Tyler answers and sniffles again, making Josh wish he could see right now. He hates the fact that someone cried because of him.
“ I want to. “ he confirms and Tyler helps him sit down at the edge of the cliff.
Tyler plays again and Josh listens. It’s soothing and disturbing, healing and wounding at the same time, hearing Tyler pour out his soul at the edge of the ocean. He wants to ask a lot of things about the reason why Tyler comes down to that cliff and why his music carries so much sadness, but he can’t bring himself to do it.
Instead he listens ; to the music, to the waves and the wind and the distant sounds of water hitting rocks.
**
He’s finally in remission and doesn’t need the cane to walk around. His body isn’t a wreck, every movement doesn’t bring pain anymore, at least not for now. When he meets Tyler at the cliff one day he suggests they go for a swim at the deserted beach below.
“ Are you sure you’re okay to go into the water ? “ Tyler asks cautiously as they walk down the rocky beach.
“ Yeah. I’ve swam here before. I mean after losing my sight. “ Josh says and take a couple more steps , until his feet are soaked in wet and cold sand.
He feels incredibly self-conscious when the time comes to take off his clothes, but he does his best to hide it. He probably looks awful, with his very pale skin and underweight body.
Tyler’s belt clings as he undresses himself and once again Josh wishes he could have his sight back at least for one second so he could take a peek. The needing amplifies as Tyler’s laugh ring through the humid air so close to Josh’s ear he can almost touch it with the tips of his fingers.
“ The water is so cold “ Tyler keeps laughing and yelping when the waves reach their bare feet. Josh reaches his hand out towards the laughing boy and feels his nimble fingers wrap around it.
“ If we go in at once it won’t feel as cold “ Josh says and tries to prepare himself mentally for the shock of jumping into the cold water. “ You’re not afraid are you ? “ he asks when Tyler’s hand starts shaking a bit harder.
“ Just a little “ the boy admits and grips Josh’s hand tighter. “ Promise you won’t let go ? “
“ Promise”
The ocean tries to swallow them, but they never let go. Their hands stay connected as they fight the waves together and hold onto each other like their lives depend on it.
Their hands are still intertwined when they leave the water and shiver from the wind that blows at them, as if trying to separate them. The sun warms them up, but Josh feels cold until Tyler wraps his arms around him and sooths warmth back into his tired bones.
There are more scars on Tyler’s wrists this time.
They settle down on the warm sand as Tyler tries to describe him the ocean , making Josh close his eyes once again. It turns out that Tyler is good with words, because Josh soon drowns in the images the other boy draws him.
“ You should become a writer “ Josh says when they stay silent for a while.
“ I do write every once in a while. When things get a little too much to handle “
“ Can you read me something ? Please ? “ Josh caresses Tyler’s gentle fingers and tries to imagine his handwriting, so neat and beautiful just like his hands.
“ I’m not exactly good “ he mumbles and his fingers twitch.
“ Please” Josh whispers and closes his eyes when Tyler draws a deep breath.
This bitter earth
What fruit it bears
What good is love
That no one shares ?
Tyler’s hands escape Josh’s grip and travel up to his face to frame it gently.
This bitter Earth
Can it be so cold
Today you’re young
Too soon you’re old
Josh sits there with his lips and soul trembling and waits for Tyler to continue, because he’s never heard anything so hauntingly beautiful in his life. His hearing is so sharp he can catch every single droplet of ocean water landing on the sand. Every single fiber of his being wants to hear the next line, the next word , the next syllable. Josh holds his breath and feels the Universe hold its breath too, waiting for Tyler to continue.
The silence drags on for too long and he wants to ask why Tyler stopped when those hesitant and gentle fingers move from his cheeks to his lips and caress them.
“ You are so beautiful “ he whispers and Josh stops breathing. His fingers move from Josh’s lips to his unseeing eyes and stop there.
“I’m sick “ Josh whispers and feels Tyler’s breath ghost over his mouth.
“ No “ it’s so quiet the waves almost wash the word away. “ The world gives you so much pain and here you are, making gold out of it “ Tyler says and leans in to kiss both of Josh’s eyes. “ There’s nothing more beautiful than that “
And if you ask Josh there’s nothing more beautiful and sad than Tyler’s breath tickling his lips and his gentle fingers tracing paths on Josh’s skin.
He hasn’t been kissed since he got sick and what a mistake that was; because now all of his senses are so sharpened he can feel every single point of contact of his lips with Tyler’s. The softness, the sweetness , it all blends with the sound of the ocean and the smell of salt and tears that surround them. It’s just a kiss, just two pairs of lips moving together, but to Josh it’s an ethereal experience.
He raises his own arms and puts them at the back of Tyler’s neck and gently rubs the space there. Exploring further he slides his fingers on the outline of the taller boy’s jaw and down his delicate neck that curves graciously under Josh’s curious fingers.
It almost feels normal for a second ; Josh almost feels normal for a fleeting moment. The kiss, the closeness, the longing. It feels so good, so real and so normal. But that moment passes and brings back the reality of his condition ; it reminds him that he’s sick and will always be sick. He will get worse and worse until his body can’t handle the damage anymore and gives in. It could take a year or 20 years , but he knows that his death will be slow and whoever has to witness it will suffer not any less than him. He doesn’t want that person to be Tyler.
“ No, I’m sick “ Josh repeats and removes his hands from Tyler’s neck, taking a careful step back. “ I have Multiple sclerosis “ he wants to scare Tyler away and make him change his mind.
“ I don’t care. You make me feel happy. “ the taller boy answers and his voice shakes with emotions.
“ I can’t make you happy, Tyler. My brain is sick, don’t you get it ? It’s trying to destroy me “
“ Please don’t make me leave, Josh. Please “ it’s so heartbreaking Josh feels happy he’s blind for the first time in his life. He wouldn’t be able to stand seeing Tyler so sad.
“ You’re only going to get hurt if you keep hanging out with me “
“ I don’t care “
“ But I do “ Josh says and crosses both hands on his chest. He feels cold and lonely with Tyler so far away from him. The distance is going to kill him, but knowing that Tyler will witness his suffering kills him even more. “ We can stay friends. We can still hang around here if you want. But … just don’t do this again, okay ? “ no answer comes. In the silence that follows Josh can hear quiet sniffling and footsteps getting further away.
It’s the loneliest he’s ever felt.
**
Josh stops going to the cliff a week later , when Tyler doesn’t show up there once in all seven days. He doesn’t want to hear the sound of the waves crashing into the shore and doesn’t want to feel the sun on his skin. It only amplifies his loneliness and reminds him of the things he lost , never to return. Even the memories of the beautiful sunset that used to sooth his aching heart slip away from his mind and fade into darkness, bringing even more pain.
He’s forgetting how the sky looked when it was bathed in light and how the ocean reflected all of the sunset’s colors. He’s forgetting his mother’s face and the ugly fence’s color and how the grass shone when it was wet with raindrops after a summer storm. He’s forgetting the things he never wants to forget, the things he tries to hold onto as tight as he can, but still they slip away into the darkness and disappear forever from his memory.
It drives him insane ; how his life slowly turns colorless, blunt and empty. He doesn’t leave the house even during remission when his body is still capable of functioning no matter what his mom tells him. Why should he get out of bed ? What will he find if he walks out of the door ? He surely won’t find a cure for his disease and a week or a month later we’ll be back in his bed, immobilized and suffering once again.
When relapse hits him it’s so bad Josh thinks he might die. That doesn’t sound too bad though, compared to the other option of facing another agonizing month of being crippled by his own brain. He takes more medicine and spends even more time in bed, but nothing really helps him feel any better. Nobody comes to visit him except for his mom. Josh isn’t sure what’s worse; the physical pain that the illness brings or the utter feeling of loneliness and isolation. Hours feel like days. Days feel like weeks. His body fights and loses. His minds keeps going back and forth between wanting to fight and get to the next remission and desperately wishing all of this would end.
One day, when Josh wakes up with blood in his mouth and tightness in his chest his mom comes into his room and tells him someone has been there to see him.
“ Who ? “ Josh sits up and spits the blood out of his mouth into a bucket that’s been standing near his bed just in case he needs to vomit . His tongue is bitten, probably during another night seizure when his body starts convulsing violently and trashing back and forth.
“ It’s the boy that came here a couple of months ago to look for you. The one with the bruised face “ his mom says and makes Josh choke on the blood in his mouth. The bruised boy. The one who came to see him months ago. It has to be Tyler, nobody else has come to see him, it couldn’t have been anyone else but him.
“ When ? Mom when did he look for me ? “ Josh manages to sit up and feels for the cane that’s propped near his bed.
“ Honey lay back down, you’re not doing well “ his mom sounds worried when she comes close and tries to take the cane out of Josh’s hand.
“ No, no , I need to see him. “ Josh gets up and feels his entire body scream from the sudden movement . “ I have to see him, he’s my friend “ Josh states and limps as fast as he can out of his room, followed by his very worried mother.
“ You shouldn’t be out of bed, Josh, please go back “ she tries to reason with him ,but once hearing the words “ bruised face” he can’t forget them. Someone is hurting Tyler and Josh feels so incredibly guilty it’s worse than the pain that tears at his legs with every step. He needs to make sure Tyler is okay.
Shuffling down the stairs , Josh is aware that he looks absolutely pathetic even to his mother’s eyes , but he keeps going until he makes it to the front door. Out of breath and gritting his teeth to the point of breaking Josh stumbles out of his house and screams “ Tyler “ as loud as he can.
“ Josh, please come back to the house” his mom is begging now, but Josh doesn’t stop and doesn’t go back.
“ TYLER !” he screams again and feels his legs give in , no longer listening to his commands. Josh crumbles down to his knees and buries his face in both hands, unable to hold back the sobs that rack his body. He cries, loud and violent and desperate, not caring about how many people will witness his downfall or how many of them will think he has finally lost his mind.
Maybe he has. Maybe this is it. Maybe his brain is too damaged to function properly any longer and he’s gone, so far gone. Tyler will never come back to him and the sun will never set again even in his memories , not even in his dreams.
Josh cries until he feels two hands on his shoulders, thinking it’s his mother who came to bring him back to the house.
“ I’m here , I’m right here, it’s okay “ Tyler’s fragile voice sounds distant and almost unreal. “ Please don’t cry, please, Josh , I’m sorry I left you like that “ it is Tyler’s voice, shaking like a leaf during a rain storm , breaking like waves crashing into the shore and oh so fragile.
Stretching his hands towards the voice, Josh tries to reach for Tyler and ends up being enveloped in the warm and familiar hug that brought him to life months ago
“ Shhhh “ the voice sooths him and nimble fingers run through Josh’s curly hair, caressing slowly. “ Let’s get you back inside, okay ? “ helped by Tyler and his mom , Josh is being lead back inside and into the safety of his bed. Strong hands wrap around him and moments later he’s asleep, too exhausted and in pain to stay awake any longer.
When he wakes up Tyler’s warm body is curled up around him.
“ You’re really here “ Josh says and opens his eyes to the darkness that awaits him. “ I thought that was a dream “
“ I heard you screaming my name “ Tyler’s breath tickles his face just barely. “ I was scared you’ll be angry at me for coming over so I left. I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier “
“ I was the one who told you to leave , remember ? “ Josh mumbles and the sole memory of that day on the beach makes his heart ache. “ I never should’ve done that. You make my life so much more bearable “
“ You make mine too “ Tyler whispers and kisses Josh’s temple.
“ Why do you have bruises ? “The blind boy asks, torn up by questions
“ How do you know I have bruises ?” Tyler sounds surprised
“ My mom told me. “
“ My dad beats my mom when he gets drunk. “ Tyler says while playing with Josh’s hair, curling it on his index finger. “ When I try to protect her he takes it out on me. If I’m not around he takes it out on my sister. He always needs to hit somebody when he’s drunk“ it sounds like an awful place to live.
“ Where does it hurt ?” Josh asks and Tyler grabs his hand gently and puts it on his face. He keeps moving Josh’s hand along his jaw, neck and down to his throat. Josh can’t help it and he leans in and kisses where his hand has been a second ago. He preps Tyler’s face and jaw with feather light kisses, moving lower towards his throat and neck, finishing at his mouth. They share a long kiss that turns everything inside of Josh upside down. He can see sunrises and sunsets and rainbows so brightly like he hasn’t seen them even before he lost his sight. Tyler paints his entire world in color and makes it feel less empty, less dark ,one kiss at a time.
“ You’re beautiful “ it’s Josh who says it this time and Tyler who snorts.
**
For the first time in his life, Josh goes through a relapse episode allowing somebody else to keep him company and give him comfort. Tyler is next to him whenever he can, in between working and taking care of his family. The nights they spend together are the best, because that particular time of the day has been the toughest to get through. He can’t sleep because of the pain and sometimes spends an entire night just watching Tyler sleep in his arms. It’s not always calm and peaceful though. The taller boy has nightmares and Josh often has to soothe him for hours after he has one. That’s how they spend a lot of their nights together; Josh chasing Tyler’s nightmares away with soft words and gentle hands and Tyler rubbing lotions on sore muscles and applying ice packs on bruised skin.
When the long awaited remission comes they spend more time outside, on the beach or their favorite cliff by the ocean than inside the house. Tyler lights up bonfires and sings simple yet beautiful songs to Josh who relishes in the music and new found reason to live. Because essentially that’s what Tyler’s presence has become; a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason not to take his own life, a reason to keep fighting.
It doesn’t take Tyler too long to figure out that Josh used to be some sort of musician. The ex-drummer’s habit of tapping with his fingers on all kinds of surfaces gives him away. He does it unconsciously and completely out of impulse but it catches Tyler’s eyes pretty quickly.
“ You’re a drummer and you haven’t told me yet ? “ he sounds so outraged it’s adorable to Josh.
“ Technically I’m not a drummer anymore “ Josh answers and fiddles with the sleeves of his t-shirt “ I’m too blind to be a drummer “
“ Bullshit “ is all that Tyler says before he bolts out of Josh’s room, returning 30 minutes later, out of breath and covered in sweat.
He makes Josh stand up and leads him to the middle of the room by the hand, ordering him to sit down. Confused, Josh follows Tyler’s lead and sits down on something hard and wooden, shaped like a square. He can’t quite place what it is, until soft hands guide his numbing ones down and place them on the smooth wooden surface.
Josh explores it for a couple of seconds and tries to imagine what it’s like. Then he hits it gently, electing a hallow sounding noise. He hits it again , but higher this time and it sounds a little bit different. Lower, more to the left and then to the right …. It all produces different sounds. Different beats. Tyler is a genius.
They spend a lot of sleepless nights trying to write something together with Tyler on ukulele and Josh on his improvised drum. It doesn’t happen from their first time, not even from the 100th but one night it happens and It’s magic.
That night the rain taps on Josh’s window quietly while they make love on top of crumbled sheets and torn out pages from notebooks. He explores Tyler’s body first with his fingers, then with his lips and tongue, kissing every single mark on his silky skin.
There are so many scars Josh can barely map them in his head. They run horizontally and vertically, crossing each other and running away from each other. On his legs. On his wrists. On his stomach. There are constellations of scars all over his skin.
Tyler climbs on top of him and bruises his neck with his mouth, spreading heat and sparks of something electric all over his burning skin. Every nerve is alert and on fire, every sense is sharp and aware of the never seizing touch on his body.
Tyler doesn’t rush, even when Josh begs him for something, anything.
“ Please “ he whispers, feverish and sweaty “ Please, Tyler, please do something “ Josh begs and clutches the sheets in between slippery fingers. The hold on the fabric grounds him, settles him while his body feels like it’s about to fly away if Tyler lets go of his hands.
Their bodies slide together and Tyler sounds just a desperate as him, moaning, whispering I want you’s and I love you’s .
It hurts when Tyler enters him , but he wants it so much , the pain doesn’t matter. Josh asks for more, he asks for anything that Tyler would give him. And he gets everything he has ever needed.
Tyler reads him poetry with the same passion that he fucks into him. Josh shuts his eyes closed and grips Tyler’s shoulders hard in order to keep himself from falling apart. The hot breath that tickles his ear makes him shiver and tremble all over.
“…….every moment
of every day
i think about life
i think about death
& how i can’t breathe
without your breath
Galaxies and stars appear in his vision, filling every single crack in his soul with Tyler’s words.
Lost
somewhere between joy and sorrow
looking backward holding on to regret
how can we ever hope to find our way
forgetting all we need to remember
remembering all we need to forget …. “
The rain keeps tapping on the window when Josh comes all over himself so hard he screams his throat raw. Tyler follows him seconds later, not so loud but just as desperate and urgent. Their mouths find each other again, drawn together like two magnets.
If somebody made Josh choose between getting his vision back , but losing Tyler and being with Tyler, but blind he doesn’t even have to think about it. He’d choose to lose his eyes, but keep the beautiful boy with the scarred skin and long eyelashes that tickle him when they kiss.
He’d rather forget how the sunset looks than forget how Tyler’s hands feel on his skin.
He’d rather forget the color of the ocean on a cloudy evening , when the sun sinks slowly into its embrace and paints the sky with thousands of different shades and colors.
Finding Tyler erased all of his losses. He feels complete and whole ; unbroken , steady and purposeful. It heals his wounds and soothes the surface of his soul.
To make room for new wounds.
Slowly, as if turning into sand , Tyler starts slipping away. His voice gets more quiet and his bones become more prominent. There are fresh scars upon older ones and no matter how much Josh kisses them and begs Tyler not to hurt himself, they only grow in number.
One day Tyler simply doesn’t show up. No warning, no messages or notes left behind. Nothing. He just doesn’t come one day and then the next one and the next one and the entire week after that.
Josh waits. On the edge of their cliff, by the door, next to the window, he waits. His mom comes by to take care of him when the worst of the relapse hits him. Josh hides behind the physical pain and the severity of his symptoms to justify why he feels so terrible.
It’s not the excruciating pain in his back or the numbness in his hands or the headaches that split his head apart that really weight down on him. He can’t stand Tyler’s absence more than anything else.
When his body allows it , Josh drags himself down to the rocks where the ocean meets the shore and asks if maybe the ocean knows where Tyler is.
He’s met with silence.
They meet again on the very same cliff their first meeting happened. Tyler isn’t playing the ukulele and he’s not talking. He’s sitting quietly, swallowed by his own pain to notice Josh all but dying next to him.
“ I don’t know if I can do this anymore “ Tyler says when Josh leans his head on his shoulder. “ I really am trying . For you. For us. But It hurts too much “
“ I’ll keep fighting as long as you do “ Josh answers and feels the hot tears slide down his cheeks and land on Tyler’s shirt.
He can’t remember how colors looked. He can’t remember his mother’s face or what color her eyes turned when the sun shone on her. His childhood is now one big blur of glossed over images and unfocused photographs.
He can’t even remember his own face.
“ What do you see when you look at me ? “ Josh whispers and puts his shaking fingers on his face, trying to feel it somehow.
“ Kindness. Compassion. Courage “ Tyler’s voice breaks and cracks with every word. His throat must be squeezed so tightly. “ Your eyes are hazel and so warm, like melted chocolate . Your arms are tree branches and your feet are roots and your soul carries thousands of universes inside. You make me feel like home, you are my home, Josh, you are my tree and my roots and my love “ Tyler whispers and sneaks a bandaged hand in Josh’s shaking one.
“The day we met I came here , because I wanted to die. It wasn’t difficult back then, because I had no one to hurt. My sister would eventually get over my death and move on. She doesn’t need me , not the way you need somebody’s existence to breathe. “ the bandage on Tyler’s wrists is fresh and smells of sanitizer and blood. “ Your courage is what still keeps me afloat “ he whispers and falls into silence.
Every kiss afterwards feels like last. Just like sand, Tyler falls apart grain by grain and no matter how hard Josh tries to keep him together, essentially he fails.
The boy with the soft lips and gentle hands leaves more and more with every second and there isn’t anything Josh can do about it.
He gives every drop of courage he has to keep Tyler afloat but eventually, the ocean floods them both and that’s all he can do to stop them from downing.
**
They sleep outside , underneath the sky that must be full of starts Josh will never see . He’s in pain and the cool breeze sooths some of it away, leaving a dull ache in its wake. Tyler holds him close and tries to describe as many things as he can ; the stars, the sky, the ocean bathed in moonlight.
Josh listens to Tyler’s words and absorbs every single one, as if they will disappear when the waves of the water come to wash their bodies away.
It’s easier to be blind in a way. You can live with these images your entire life and pretend that they are true and real.
Tyler’s body touching his.
The sky full of stars and Universes that await them.
The ocean dark and full of dancing lights.
The sand, still warm from the sun that only set a few hours ago.
The loud thundering sound announces the flow that’s about to come crashing down on them with full force. Millions of gallons of water will rush down where they currently lay together, still and calm , holding hands and thinking about alter universes where happiness is possible without pain.
Josh takes a breath and then another, counting them 1, 2, 3 ….
Tyler’s lips barely touch his ear, seconds before the tons of water crush their already broken bodies.
“….only the ocean understands
what it is like to shed
so many tears
and still feel so heavy,
to have the taste of salt
still lingering on your mouth
long after the tide has gone out …/ “
The poem went on , but the water came first, washing every other sound away and destroying everything in its wake.