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Clara had a fairly good feeling that something was wrong, something was up. It was more than not having seen River in a while. She had been accustomed to having an out of order relationship with her lover. Nothing about them made sense in the typical sense, the mere fact that River was her grandfather’s wife would make anyone think they were crazy. But it all sort of came with the territory of being travelers through time and space.
It might be strange to think of the TARDIS like a person. The Doctor certainly did. But she had started to pick up on a few things. Like, how sometimes there’d be suddenly appearing doors to keep her away from things when she had annoyed the machine, sometimes music would be playing from nowhere when they got back from a very dangerous adventure or how the lightning would be slightly different when River was on board. The last being the main thing that worried Clara at the moment. That River-esque lightning had been on since she had gotten on for their most recent trip but so far, no sign of the blonde anywhere. She didn’t think the Doctor noticed or had any clue that his wife might be on board either.
The only idea she could think of was to wander around until she could possibly find her lover. Clara felt like she had been walking through the identical hallways for an hour, taking turns here and there, moving along with no encouragement from the time machine. Every door that she tried was locked or held nothing of help. No River in the library, in the study, in her own bedroom or Clara’s. She even tried to find the Doctor’s bedroom but that was futile. Where was that damn woman?
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It didn’t happen often but when it did, it was like a building had been dropped down on her. She couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, and felt like she couldn’t get enough air into her lungs. River hated this. She hated feeling weak; it reminded her of being back with Kovarian and of course, that just made the feeling grow stronger, fuzzy memories taking over her mind.
So, she did what she always did when these episodes came on. Find the closest, empty room and lock herself inside. Stay in the dark until all the bad went away.
River sat with her back against the wall in her parent’s old room, arms wrapped around her knees, holding herself close like that was the only thing keeping her together at the moment. Her eyes stared at a picture of Amy and Rory on the bedside table. They looked so happy, giant smiles on their faces, Leadworth clear in the background. It was a bad idea, a bad choice; she shouldn’t be here. It made it worse, like a knife stabbed in her side that wasn’t removed, the pain dull but never-ending. She swallowed, managing to close her eyes and struggled to take a deep breath. Too many bad ideas went through her mind. All of them focused on herself. The bad that she had done in her life, her crimes and lies too many to count anymore, each one began to replay on her closed lids like she was stuck in a twisted movie theater.
“No… Stop… I’m not that person anymore.”
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The voice was soft, barely audible from the other side of the door but it was enough, clear enough to her anxious ears that Clara would recognize River’s voice anywhere. Could she be imagining it? Did she dare try the door? Letting out a long breath, she grasped the door handle, her other hand lightly knocking on the faded and chipping paint of the wooden door.
“River?”
On the other side, River’s head shot up, eyes wide. No, not Clara, not now. She never wanted the younger woman to see her like this. She hated it when the Doctor had to deal with her in this mindset but at least, he understood. In this, they were equals. But Clara was too good, too young and in some aspects, too pure to have to deal with a broken River.
Her voice stuck in her throat as excuses ran through her head. What did she say; what could she say? Everything seemed horrible and worse than the one before it. She opted for the only thing that seemed like a truth to her right now.
“C-Clara?”
Clara had heard that little shake in her lover’s voice before and it never boded well. Worry made her heart beat fast. “Yes, it’s me. Can you unlock the door, love?” She knew she could probably get the door opened without River; she could ask the Doctor or beg the TARDIS for some assistance. But those options seemed less likely to work.
River had a good feeling that no matter what she might say, Clara wasn’t going to give up on getting to her. She pushed herself up, not giving a damn about the dust that now coated her palms and backside. Shaky feet brought her across the room and to the door. The click of metal letting Clara know that it was unlocked.
She stepped into the room carefully, looking River over. There was something in her eyes, dark but no sign of tears, like she was walled up. She was tense, which was abundantly clear in her body language. Clara could not for the life of her figure out exactly what was troubling the older woman though.
“River, what’s wrong? You know you can talk to, right? About anything.” The blonde’s shoulders dropped as she let out a shallow breath. “It… it’s not something that can really be talked about.” She turned away, not being able to bring herself to meet Clara’s gaze. “What do you mean? I just want to see you happy, love. I don’t like it when you’re hurting.” One of River’s hand balled up into a fist; she knew Clara meant well and that she did just want her happy. But there was something in her tone that made those words rub her the wrong way, anger rising up and partially overcoming the depression that held her in a tight grip.
“It doesn’t matter! It’s not worth it! I’m not worth it!” Her hands flew up over her head and she stepped backwards, away from her young lover. “I don’t know how you can love me. I don’t! The only person less damaged on this ship is the Doctor. I shouldn’t be loved.” She kept backing up, putting more distance between them with every word. “You should just forget about me. Move on. I’m not going to do anything but hurt you.” River couldn’t stop the words that were coming out, the thoughts she had kept hidden just spilled out with no signs of slowing. She hit one of the posts of the bunk beds, wincing for a split second. “I’m only going to break your heart and I can’t do anything about it.”
Clara was shocked but knew she had to stay calm. Getting upset and shouting back would just make everything go to hell. Slowly and with a calm expression, she started to close the distance River had built, her hands by her sides. “River…” Seeing her love’s head drop down to avoid her, she sighed, getting a little twinge in her chest. She carefully lifted River’s head to look into her eyes. “I love you. For who you are. And that’s not going to change.” With a bit of nervousness, she captured the blonde’s lips, caressing her cheek, attempting to pour all the love and care she could into it. She just wanted River to see that she would be forever loved and that she was certainly worth it.
The kiss shocked River like a bucket of cold water and she automatically found herself returning the kiss, eyes sliding shut and pressing herself against her lover. Even though she believed the words she said to Clara, she didn’t feel right without her in her life. She was better with Clara. River tried to deepen the kiss, wrapping her arms around the younger woman, holding her tight like she was going to fade away. She could feel Clara’s smirk against her lips before she was granted permission. They stayed that way for a moment, one that seemed to continue into eternity before River broke it, looking at Clara with emotional tears threatening to fall.
“I love you, Clara Smith.”
“And I love you, River Song.”