Chapter Text
Tim cleared his throat.
Conner raised an eyebrow.
Tim cleared his throat again.
Look – he’d had a plan. He’d prepared the speech and everything. The only thing he had maybe, slightly forgotten about was that, oh, right, Conner didn’t know he liked guys. Which he’d realised when he’d opened his mouth, started with a solid ‘so, Bernard thinks-‘ and then gone. Oh.
Right.
Because Conner doesn’t know who Bernard is. Because Tim hadn’t told Conner about Bernard. Because Tim didn’t want to lie to Conner and call Bernard a friend, and not just because Conner would somehow gain the knowledge that Tim is lying about something (even though Tim was literally trained to keep his heart steady when lying.)
But nooo, Conner had some kind of anti-Tims-bullshit device (Bart’s words, not Tim’s). Also, Tim would feel shitty about it. For multiple reasons.
He had called Conner earlier, just after he’d gotten back to his apartment after his date with Bernard and also screamed into his pillow for a solid five minutes, because what the fuck. Naturally, Conner had immediately dropped whatever he was doing – Tim’s pretty sure it was a tractor or something, considering the crashing sound – because of course he had, it’s not like Tim needed any time to prepare for this, clearly everything was fine and under control and nothing was going wrong ever.
Seriously. How was he even supposed to start this conversation.
He couldn’t exactly go, ‘Hey, Conner, my boyfriend thinks you’re superboy. Crazy, right? Anyway you need to break Batman’s – you know, the guy that runs the justice league and also owns most of the only material that can cause you harm – no metas rule for like, a solid week, so that you can prove you’re not superboy. Also, I’m going to be helping him prove you’re superboy. Side note, I think he has a thing for your arms, and like, your jawline, and honestly now he’s mentioned it I can definitely see what he’s talking about. Which, oh, yeah, second side note, I have a boyfriend, that’s a thing I do now. Anyway, see you Friday? Cool.’
He was pulled out of his thought process by Conners voice, which sounded far too amused for how much Tim was panicking. “You know I thought you were dying or something, right?”
“Why-” and no, Tim’s voice did not crack, fuck off – “Why would you think that?”
“You said – and I quote – Conner, I need your help, and then you immediately hung up. Tim, do you have any idea how often you actually ask for help?”
Tim opened his mouth to protest, but Conner cut him off before he could even start. “Don’t answer that. It’s three. One of those times, you ended up in the hospital for like, a month, and the other time you ended up brainwashed. Do you know what that means?”
Tim opened his mouth, before realising that that was probably a rhetorical question. “No?” He prompted.
“That means that whatever-“ Kon gestured vaguely at Tim with one of his hands. “Is going on here, is as bad as you almost dying or being brainwashed into becoming evil. Or you called me because you were about to get brainwashed, and by the time I got here you’d already been brainwashed. But, you’re acting too weird in, like, a Tim way to be brainwashed, and I know you don’t have a tumour or anything, because-“ At that that, he gestured at himself, shrugging. “I’m me, you know? So do you want to tell me what’s going on, or do I need to call Cassie here to threaten it out of you?”
“I’m gay.”
Ah. That’s not quite how he meant to say that. Also, his heart was beating weirdly fast. There was a breathing exercise for this, right? Right, he just had to breathe. Breathing was fine. That was totally a thing he could do.
Conner started to say something, but Tim cut him off before he could hear whatever it was he was about to say. Maybe he didn’t want to know what he was going to say. Which was stupid, because it was Conner, and he’d get around to saying it anyway. Still, though-
“I mean, I’m not gay. I’m like – I don’t know, I was looking stuff up, but I’m not sure, and I think maybe pan? Or bi? But like, I know I like guys, and I know I like girls, and this doesn’t like, change anything about me, you know? I’m still-“
His voice cracked, and he suddenly realised how fast he’d been talking. Distantly, he noticed his hands were shaking, but that was filed away under extremely unimportant, along with the kettle going off in the background, and the distant sound of sirens.
Currently filed under extremely important was the way Conner was looking at him, the way his head was tilted slightly to the side, the way his eyes had widened slightly, the way his mouth was slightly open like he was caught between words, the way-
Conner grabbed his hands. His hands were warm, they were warm and rough and- “Hey, Tim? Look at me?”
Tim made a strange sound in the back of his throat. Of course I’m looking at you, he wanted to say. What the fuck else would I be looking at.
“Robin, you’re fine, you’re ok. I know, ok? You’re gay. Or bi, or pan, or whatever. It’s ok, you’re fine. Ok? I could not give less of a shit. In like, a good way, I mean. Not, like, a mean way. I mean – what I mean is, I’m hardly going to judge you for being queer, it’d be a bit hypocritical, so just breathe, ok?”
Tim laughed, and it came out a slightly broken giggle, his chest stinging as his head dropped onto Conner’s shoulder. Then he realised what Conner just said, and his head shot up. Conner raised an eyebrow at him, waiting silently.
If you told Tim that time itself had frozen in that moment, he wouldn’t have been even remotely surprised.
“Hypocritical?”
“Uh, yeah? Cause, you know, the whole, being bi thing? I mean, I assume I am. I don’t know if the whole straight-gay thing still applies to me, considering, you know. I’m an alien. Part alien. I don’t know, I didn’t exactly come with a manual.”
Conner paused, tilting his head to the side. “Wait, did I? Tim, do you think Luthor has a manual on me? Cause I mean I know Batman probably does, but like, he’s Batman, he doesn’t count. Tim, did I come with a manual? This is an important question, come on, help me out here.”
Tim snorted, shaking his head. “You’re awful at distractions.”
“I mean, you say that, but you’re smiling now.” Conner shrugged.
“Yeah, guess so.”
Tim paused.
“Wait, actually, how does that work if you’re not human?”
“Good fucking question, dude. I’m kinda more worried about the Luthor-manual thing. Do you reckon-”
“Oh no, he absolutely has a manual on you. He’s a wrinkly bald mother-fudger, but he isn’t that stupid. I doubt how does the experiments’ sexuality work is in there though.”
“Ok, I’m going to gloss over the part where you insinuate I’m nothing more than a science project because your heart’s still beating faster than Bart’s word-per-minute count and also cause I’m a good friend like that, and instead once again ask you for the love of fuck please stop doing that, I have heard you swear before, you ain’t proving shit.”
Tim sniffed. “Can’t prove it, didn’t happen.”
“Tim, you literally said-“
“I was under immense stress, that doesn’t count.”
“Bart eating the last pop tart does not count as immense stress-”
“It was stressful for me!”
“Oh, yeah, and that time you threatened to garotte-” Conner narrowed his eyes slightly at Tim, and Tim cursed inside his head. “Tim, what are you trying to distract me from?”
He dropped his head into his hands, groaning. Now he was emotionally exhausted from – oh god, he’d just come out to Conner, and Conner had – Conner had come out to him back? What the hell? What was happening here?
Oh, right, yeah, he was trying to explain to Conner that his boyfriend wanted him to prove that Conner was superboy. Because of course he was.
“Uh, Tim?” He heard Conner ask. “You still there? Buddy?”
Tim jolted up, shaking his head. “Ok, ok, right, so.” Rip the plaster off. That was how it worked, right? Just. Rip it off. Like that time with Damian and Jason and the incident with the raccoons. Just. Rip it off. It was fine.
“So my boyfriend wants me to help him prove you’re Superboy.”
Conner blinked.
He opened his mouth. Shut it. Blinked again.
“Uh, Conne-”
“You have a boyfriend?”
Tim stared at him for a second. “That’s the part you focus on here?”
“When the hell did you get a boyfriend?”
“No need to sound so surprised about it, asshole.”
“Hush, I’m having a moment.”
Tim went to speak again, only for Conner to cover his mouth with his hand. “No, seriously, let me adjust to you being all grow- did you just lick me?” He ripped his hand away. “Asshole!”
“Look, just cause I have more game than you doesn’t mean you have to try compensate by acting like I’ve never dated anyone before.”
“Ok, firstly, I know Steph now, so she doesn’t count, and second, fuck you.”
“You know Steph’s not the only person I’ve dated, right? Or the only person I’ve made out with.”
Conner pulled a face. “Oh, gross. Can we go back to your boyfriend knowing I’m-“
It was kind of funny, actually. Tim could see the exact moment it clicked in Conner’s head, his face freezing up and contorting in some weird gymnastics move that would put Dick to shame.
“Your boyfriend knows I’m Superboy?”
“No shit, moron, that’s why I called you.”
“What the fuck, Tim!”
“In my defence-“
“Wait, Tim, are you dating a supervillain or something? Tim, there was a presentation about this! I did not sit through Batman’s fucking powerpoint about safe dating in the Superhero world just for you to be the one to date a fucking villain! Especially not one that wants to uncover my identity! What the fuck, Tim?”
“Oh my god, that’s where you go first? No, he’s not a villain, he’s just really into heroes, calm down.”
“Are you sure? Not that I don’t believe you, just cause you know there was that slide with-“
“He’s not a villain, ok? I mean, he was in a cult for a bit, but he left that after they tried to sacrifice him to some wine god, so you don’t need to worry about that.”
“You’re dating a guy who was in a cult? You remember the slide about cults in the fucking powerpoint, right?”
“Conner, trust me when I say that I have, very thoroughly, looked into the cult stuff. He helped me fight the cult stuff. Then let me know that apparently we were on a date earlier. While fighting the cultists that were trying to sacrifice him to a freaking wine god or something.”
Conner blinked. He was doing a lot of blinking, actually. Maybe he needed some eye drops or something. “Dude.”
“Yeah, it was an experience.”
“Am I going to need to sit down for the rest of this conversation? Cause I feel like we’re going to need to sit down for the rest of this conversation.”
Tim shrugged, moving towards the kettle that had finished boiling somewhere around the wrinkly bald mother-fudger part of the conversation. “Probably. You want coffee?”
“You know caffeine doesn’t affect me, right?”
Personally, Tim thought that was the worst part of being a clone of Superman and an evil-rich-bald maniac, but he suspected that Conner would disagree. Probably because he didn’t know what he was missing.
“You can still drink it, though.”
“Ugh. Gross.”
Tim sighed, already reaching for the cocoa powder. “Hot chocolate then?”
“You’re the best.”
Tim snorted. “Might want to withhold that until you’ve dealt with the rest of this conversation.”
He could feel Conners eyes on him as he took the mugs out from his cupboard – Conner’s mug was bright blue with a cartoon dog’s face on it, and Tim snickered as he picked it up. They’d gotten the mug when they’d gone to some Christmas market together, way back before – well, way, way back.
Tim had almost broken that mug a lot of times.
He was glad he didn’t, though, when Conner groaned loudly as he poured the chocolate powder in.
“Dude. Are you ever going to get rid of that thing, it’s awful.”
“Nope, you bought it, you get to live with the consequences.”
“You suck.”
“Yeah, but I’m making you hot chocolate, so you can shut your face about it.”
Conner groaned again as he went through to the other room, presumably to collapse dramatically on the sofa and keep groaning. He was muttering something about breaches of the bro code and being young, foolish, and having regrets, but it faded into white noise as Tim finished the drinks.
He grabbed both of them and took them through, giving the chocolate to Conner as he kicked his feet off the sofa so that Tim could collapse dramatically. He was thoughtful like that. Collapsing dramatically was a luxury they could share. Best friends, and all that.
Tim kicked his legs up onto Conner’s lap as he adjusted himself into a slightly less dramatic collapse on the sofa, spilling a little of his coffee onto the (admittedly already very stained) couch. It was fine, it wasn’t like he ever had anyone over. Other than Conner, and Conner didn’t really count.
If Conner was still under the impression that Tim was even remotely capable of keeping any space he lived in neat, then Tim needed to find a new best friend.
“So.” Conner questioned, shifting a little so that Tim’s’ feet didn’t drop onto the ground. “You gonna tell me what the fuck is up with the not-evil-but-still-a-cultist-boyfriend wanting to unmask me?”
“He’s not a cultist!”
“He used to be a cultist.”
“But he’s not anymore. Also don’t mention the cult stuff in front of him.”
Conner squinted at Tim suspiciously. “In front of him?” he asked. Tim shifted his gaze away awkwardly for a second, and Conner started fiddling with the end of his jeans. “Tim, am I meeting your boyfriend?”
“Right, that’s why I’m trying to – uh, ok, so, we were on a date, right? And in my defence, I wasn’t really prepared for – I mean, he had a conspiracy theory, which isn’t entirely unusual, but, you know, he was right, which is actually still not particularly rare to be honest, and anyways-“
“You’re not helping the case with him not being a villain. Just so you’re aware.”
Tim rolled his eyes. “He’s not a villain, Conner. Anyway, the problem here is that this, unfortunately, was one of the times he was actually right.”
“The theory being me being Superboy?”
“Yup. And – get this – he got all of this from the photos of you I have around the apartment-“ Conners face did another weird gymnastics movement with that, but Tim graciously chose not to mention it – “And also from me talking about you. Which is great, because it mean’s it’s going to be easy for us to prove him wrong.”
“Prove – Tim.” Conner’s voice started sounding very wary. Which if you asked Tim, was a little late in the conversation to be realising that this was only going to go downhill faster than Bart could eat pizza, but hey, better late than never.
“Tim, what exactly do you mean prove him wrong?”
“Ah.” Tim coughed awkwardly. “That’s the, uh, annoying part. So, Bernard – my boyfriend, obviously – wants me to invite you down for a week or something. So that he – that is, we – can prove that you’re Superboy.”
Conner looked at Tim, his hands stilling where they had been fiddling with his jeans. “Tim,” he started carefully, almost like he thought Tim was about to have a seizure or something, which honestly, fair.
Tim had actually considered pretty much everything along those lines himself, actually. He’d pretty much ruled out most of them, except this being some kind of weird fever dream, but he figured it was probably safer to act as though everything was real. But still. He got where Conner was coming from.
“Look, I know how insane this sounds,” Tim said, before Conner could say whatever uncharacteristically rational thing he’d been about to say. “But trust me, it’s impossible to say no to him! Despite how absolutely impossibly stupid he can be, he’s actually like, a fucking genius, and he’d have realised something was wrong.”
Conner went to say something, and Tim shushed him before continuing. “Or worse, he’d have thought I was trying to like, hide him from my friends or something, and I don’t want him to think I’m ashamed of him or anything, because I’m not, I just kinda forgot to tell you guys about it cause I’ve been super busy. And anyway, now we can properly prove to him that you’re not Superboy! So really, this is the ideal solution!”
Conner pulled a face at him. Honestly, he looked slightly constipated. To be fair, this was a pretty weird situation to be in. Maybe Tim should –
“Oh my god, Tim, you’re totally whipped.”
Tim’s snapped his head up, his eyes narrowing. “Kon-el, you take that back, or I swear to god-“
“Hey, you can’t threaten me! You need me!”
Tim scowled. “Plus,” Conner continued, “threatening me is definitely against the bro code.”
“I am going to burn your fucking bro code-“
“Aaand that’s a threat. Do you want my help or not?”
Tim kicked Conner in the stomach. Lightly. Not that he even needed to be light, he was freaking invulnerable. Bastard. Still, it was more the principle of kicking him lightly than anything else.
Still, though. “Please, if anyone’s whipped, it’s Bernard. He wouldn’t shut up about your muscles. And your jawline, at one point.”
He narrowed his eyes at Conner, tilting his head to the side. “Actually, I can kind of see it. Now if only your personality wasn’t quite so repulsive.”
“Fuck you. Wait-“
Tim snickered.
“No, wait, shut your face, your boyfriend said what about my muscles exactly?”
“And your jawline. Which – stealing boyfriends is definitely a breach of the bro code, so fuck you. Asshole.”
“I’m not – Tim, I promise you I’m not trying to steal your boyfriend, but also what exactly did he say about my muscles and jawline?”
“Hmmm.” Tim sighed, sinking slightly down the sofa. “What a shame, I can’t quite remember. I guess you’ll just have to ask him yourself. When you come to stay. You know. Next week. On Monday.”
“Next week?” Conner groaned. “Tim, you know you could give me more of a heads up than fucking – three days, right? I need time to emotionally prepare for this bullshit.”
“Oh, come on. Don’t you want to get this over with?”
Conner raised an eyebrow at him, sipping his hot chocolate pointedly.
Tim sighed defeatedly. “Conner, please. I’m suffering here. Do you want me to prolong my suffering for you? Is that what you want, here? Because I am. I am suffering. So much. Please help me out here, there absolutely has to be something about this in your precious bro code.”
Conner hummed contemplatively. “You know, I might consider clearing up me super busy schedule for you-“
“You have nothing on next week, I checked.”
“If!” He yelled, pointing at Tim. “You tell Cassie what actually happened with the elephant and the vacuum cleaner.”
Tim stared at him. “You cannot be serious.”
Conner just shrugged. “Dude, I still got another two months of cleaning to make up for that. If you want me to do this, you’re getting me out of that.”
“I can get you of that without telling her what actually happened!”
“Yeah, but it’s funnier this way.”
Tim thought for a second, trying to think of a way around that. It had been months since the alien vacuum-cleaner incident where they’d misplaced the elephant. If he told Cassie what had happened now, she’d be so pissed. Tim liked to think he was a brave man, but he wasn’t that brave.
No one was that brave.
“What if I promise to get you all the Zesti you want for the next few months as well as getting you off cleaning duty, without telling Cassie what actually happened there?”
“Deal.” Conner grinned, sticking his hand out for Tim to shake. “You really know how to say what a guy wants to hear, huh.”
Tim grabbed Conner’s hand – perhaps a little too tight, had Conner been human – and sighed. This was going to be a long fucking week.