Chapter Text
They stayed in bed until well into the next day, both of them needing the alone time to convince themselves that they were okay. Sage and Jett had done a good job at calming him down right after the incident, preventing him from getting lost in his own mind, but still there was anxiety poorly hidden under everything else he was feeling. He wasn't sure how to face anyone, let alone face Kyou. It terrified him to know that his best friend had fallen in the same pattern their supervisors had, and it terrified him even more to realise he would never be able to run from everything that had happened. Somehow, the past always caught up with him. He would run until his lungs ached and his soles burned, yet would never be able to run away from the things chasing him. It was exhausting. The fear of the past behind him was making him run too fast for the future, and all that was left was the present; though that was just a confusing mix up of everything.
All this made him think too much. Thoughts that had been hidden in a dark corner of his mind finally crept out and with them came the darkness they brought. It seemed that things could never go well for long, at least not for Yoru. And maybe that was simply the way life worked for him. Perhaps happiness and carelessness weren't his destiny. Maybe people were like the push and pull of a magnet, laws of science forbidding one side of things and allowing the other. Maybe, he figured, the side of the magnet that is compatible with him is not the freedom; the happiness, but maybe he was forever chained to the pull of the past, the pull of the sadness. However hard he might try, happiness would forever be out of his reach. In its stead, the lingering sense of doom that the past brought with it would gravitate towards him. Such are the laws of nature, such are the laws of magnetism. And such would be the law of Yoru; a kid that was never allowed to be and an adult that will never be.
"I can hear you thinking." Phoenix's tired voice shook him from his thoughts. When he turned over, the other was looking at him with a soft expression, eyes bright in the stray rays of sun that were peeking from under their blinds. For a lack of better words, Phoenix looked soft . It made Yoru want to stay in this bed forever, with Phoenix keeping the bad thoughts away.
"Just… I need a break." He didn't mean for his voice to sound so tired , so absolutely done with everything. But he couldn't help it. Everything that he had been running from, everything he had closed his eyes to and pretended was fine had finally caught up to him. Phoenix made a humming noise, though it sounded sad.
"You're tired." It wasn't a question, because why would one question if the answer was right in front of them? Still, Yoru nodded.
"I'm exhausted. Everytime I am content with the way things are going, everything changes. I can't- I just want a break. The thing with Kyou- it just," he let out a sigh and closed his eyes, "made me realise I still have a lot I need to work through." Another hum, this time in understanding. A warm hand landed on his cheek, a slightly rough thumb coming to stroke cold skin.
"I'd give you the world, if you'd ask. You know that, right?"
"Yeah." And Yoru did, he really did. It was hard to understand sometimes, but he was unable to deny that Phoenix loved him as he loved Phoenix.
"So ask me to." Instead, Yoru reached over and kissed him.
…
Phoenix really did keep his word, even if Yoru never had asked. Maybe the kiss was a question in itself, or maybe he never really had to ask. Whatever the reason was, it didn't matter. Wouldn't change the fact that Phoenix had offered him everything on a silver platter with a promise of even more to come.
Phoenix was there, when he had to explain what he had said in the argument to the group. Of course, everyone already knew what happened at the place itself, though no one knew of after. It was hard, sitting on the couch the same way he had at the start of this, leg linked with Phoenix and allowing Jett to hold onto his arm. When he finally admitted that he came to VALORANT because it seemed like an easy out, a way to die honorably in combat without anyone batting an eye, when he explained that he was irresponsible at the start because of his own goal, he was immediately wrapped into multiple arms. Apologies were said, promises to do better - even if they already had. Yoru didn't blame any of them for not seeing the real reason behind his carelessness, it wasn't their fault for not knowing. Now that he was comfortable within the group, it seemed like apologies were no longer needed. He had a family now, one that promised to keep him safe this time around. And when he quietly admitted that he needed a break, no one told him not to.
Phoenix was there too, when he had to face Kyou. They had a long talk beforehand about what to do about the other. It wasn't an easy decision, as Yoru wasn't sure how he felt about Kyou now. The love he had for his friend hadn't gone away all of the sudden, though he hadn't expected it would. He knew what it was like to love the ones that hurt you, knew that he was very capable of doing so. What was hard was coming to terms with the fact that he did have to cut ties with Kyou. It hurt; Kyou was the only one still alive that shared his trauma, the only one alive who had known him when he himself didn't. Phoenix told him he would support him no matter what he decided to do, but urged him to choose whatever was best for himself. Urged him to be as selfish as he wanted, because the world had taken enough from him already. Yoru listened. He couldn't exactly keep his face straight when he told Kyou to leave, couldn't keep the heartbreak from showing as he denied a last hug. Kyou left with an apology and promise to not bother him anymore. Yoru felt like he could finally breathe again.
That day Phoenix didn't leave his side for long. Whatever Yoru had done to get blessed with another half that knew him so well, he didn't know. Phoenix finally told him what he had done after Kyou had hit him, after Yoru asked him about the bruises on his former friend's face. He could see that Phoenix expected to be scolded, to be lectured. Instead, he leaned up and pressed a kiss to the other's lips. A thank you , perhaps. An I love you, maybe.
Phoenix was there when Sage came up to him with a tentative offer to get therapy. At first, he felt offended. Felt like they thought him crazy, unlovable the way he was. He regrettably told Sage so, got mad at her offer because of his fear of what accepting would mean for him. Her eyes held the hurt she felt from his outburst, but she said nothing about it. Just implored him to think about it. He was only able to voice his fears about the offer when Phoenix took him aside, away from all the prying eyes and concerned questions. Phoenix listened, never interrupted even though Yoru knew it must've been hard not to. When he was done, Phoenix told him in a quiet voice that 'we don't want you to get help because we think you're a problem and we can't deal with you, we want you to get help because you have problems that we can't solve for you, even if we want to. We love you, and we want you to love yourself, too'. He accepted the offer the next day. Sage looked delighted.
Phoenix wasn't there when Yoru went away for a month, though that was per agreement. Therapy had been helping, albeit slowly, but now he had to go through an extended period of therapy, going through different things than before. He had to leave the headquarters for a bit, and although everyone seemed sad to not be around him for that long, they all wished him luck with watery smiles. He promised them he'd be fine, joked that therapy couldn't possibly make anything worse, before turning to say goodbye to Phoenix. When he eventually got back, he realised that he wasn't the only one currently in therapy, his own journey with it having pushed others into action as well. Phoenix told him he was proud.
When Phoenix wasn't there, someone else would be. He never felt the same loneliness he had before anymore. It wasn't easy, though. Even if he had joked that therapy couldn't make things worse, sometimes it seemed like that was all it did. Exhausting sessions that only brought bad memories and anxiety he had already forgotten about back to his mind. But it got better, too. He started feeling truly happy again, started accepting his place between the past and present again. He had come a long way, and still had a long way to go, but neither scared him anymore. The past was no longer chasing him, as he had stopped running from it. The future had fallen back into place before him, allowing Yoru to approach it at his own pace. And the present was the comforting place he would call home. Between the past and future, where there used to be nothing but quiet, now was a soft tune of happiness, slowly guiding him along the way. It sounded awfully familiar to Phoenix's whistling.