Chapter Text
A silence fell over them, settled in every corner of the room and shielded them from everything but each other. Time had even taken a step back and Lewis was not even sure anymore there was still a world outside waiting for him after this moment. Of all the things he thought would happen today, a Saturday before a Grand Prix, this hadn’t ever come up.
Nico’s words, they had left him numb. Ice-cold pain had pierced through his heart and then there was nothing. Nothing left to feel.
Nico still sat on the couch, gazing in the distance, obviously lost in a memory as if he was trying his best to escape from Lewis, from this room. And Lewis desperately wanted to keep him here forever. Even after all this time.
He hadn’t had a clue what to say when Nico met him outside, but now he was still completely lost for words. After all the insane things he had done in his life, all the fears he’d faced, he had no idea how to handle this. Dealing with his own, sometimes conflicting, emotions and feelings was something he hadn’t really mastered yet, and trying to make other people feel better had always made him feel out of depth. And this was not just some other person. This was Nico, the only one he had ever met besides his family that truly meant something real to him, that truly mattered. He mattered so much that Lewis had accepted a life in which they ignored each other if it meant he could still keep him around somehow. Because even cold words and harsh looks were better than never seeing Nico again, never hearing him speak again, never having the illusion that there was something left to save.
Looking back on their time as teammates, Lewis realized that there had been moments like this before, moments that might have been less heavy, but still brought Nico to him, wanting to talk about serious matters, about feelings. It had never led to anything though. Lewis had never really participated. He had never known what to say, he had never found the words for all those thoughts running through his head, the fire in his heart and the dancing butterflies in his stomach. But Nico didn’t know that. Nico couldn’t know that he laid awake at night, trying to find words. Nico couldn’t know that he had seriously contemplated learning another language, because someone who seemed wise had said that for a lot of people talking about emotional things was easier in your second language. Nico only saw how he acted, Nico only saw how he was with other people in comparison to how he was with him. And he had concluded the only really logical thing. That Lewis kept silent because he didn’t care, because there were other people he cared more about, that Nico meant nothing to him. Oh if he had just said something earlier.
Nico had said once, while talking about them after his word championship victory, that he had nothing to lose back then. But that might have been even more true about this moment. He had his success now, his glory, his career, this might be the perfect time, the only time he had, to lay it all out in the open, to say everything that should've been said before. Because finally, Lewis was here to listen.
And Lewis knew he had to give something back, that the time to hide behind excuses was over. If he wanted to save a small part of what they had or could have he had to be brave too, even when he’d rather throw himself blind into a high speed corner. But Nico would be worth it, because Nico still thought him to be worth it.
‘Nico, I’m not good at this. You know that better than anyone else. Give me any car in the world and I’ll break records. I know what I can do and that’s not arrogance, but I do know now that there are things in life I’m enormously bad at.’
Lewis laughed unhappily. He had always had this idea that he at least knew himself. But apparently it had been possible to completely ignore these thoughts that were now so incredibly clear. Or maybe he had known, maybe he had seen the part he had played a long time ago. Maybe it was a somewhat conscious decision to go on living like he was and that might be even worse.
‘The sad thing is, when I look at it all, I would gladly hand over my talent for speeding around in fast cars in turn for a little bit more courage, a little bit more talent when it comes to dealing with everything I feel and then talk about it. Because it almost cost me everything, not talking, I mean.’
Sebastian had said that to him some time ago, but at that moment he didn’t realize how true it was. His German colleague had shown him a headline about one of the speeches Lewis had given at some sort of business related event. He had read the text of the article out loud because it was all praise for the way Lewis had talked, for the words he had chosen. And he had sat there opposite of Lewis, laughing and shaking his head. ‘You say so much, Lewis, but you never really say anything. That’s probably a gift, but believe me, it will come around for you sometime.’ Lewis had laughed out loud, not really registering what his friend was saying and what it meant. He was doing well at that moment, life was laying at his feet and the world was listening. Everything was going exactly as it should.
How naïve he had been, how limited had been his view on his role in this life. You could play the part of a successful champion for so long, but he now knew he could’ve done that so well only by ignoring the cracks in that façade. The cracks that showed he was barely holding it all together and that friendship and real connections were slipping away fast.
‘And I never even saw it all slipping away. I don’t know how to do this, Nico, but if I’m honest, and that scares me to death, but there’s no world, no planet, no life imaginable to me without you in it. And I should have never taken that from granted. Not when I thanked God so many times for everything that made me happy, always easily forgetting that I should name that happiness. That I should’ve named it after you. Because it was… is… you that’s somehow always linked to my happiest memories. And it’s always you in my darkest too. But that’s not your fault, it never really was. I just find it easier to say words of kindness to people I don’t really know, because I can’t deal with all the things that come with love.’
He saw the shock run through Nico’s body at that word. He looked up sharply, an almost desperate look in his eyes. Lewis was the one to look away.
‘I hate being unsure, vulnerable, insecure. I can only ever be one thing at a time. So I chose to be strong, even when it meant pushing away parts of me that screamed to be let out. I can’t undo what I’ve done, Nico. I can’t take back the awful words I’ve spoken, the accusations, the curses. I can’t even prove to you that I mean it now when I say I never want to lose you, that I feel for you so much more than the kindness I try to show in my everyday life. But I can try. So Nico, please believe me.’
Lewis’ eyes found Nico’s again, he didn’t care anymore that his own were clouded with tears threatening to fall. He didn’t try to decipher all the emotions dancing in Nico’s beautiful eyes, he had to say it. He had to. Even when it paralyzed him with fear and made his heart race with anxiety.
‘Nico, you know what racing means to me. But I would give up all my titles, hand over all my trophies if I could go back in time and undo all the messed up things I did and said that hurt you. I would for you. No, not even that is right. Will, not would. I will give up this life, this sport for the small chance to keep living a life you’re part of and I’m sorry it took me four years to get here. I will do all of that though, that to keep you close Nico, because I should never have let you slip away.’
Nico looked down and for the shortest moment Lewis felt completely empty. He had no idea how to go forward, because for the first time in a really long time he had surrendered control. It wasn’t up to him anymore to decide about the future from this moment onwards.
It was up to Nico now.
And Lewis was terrified to be left there with nothing but that emptiness. No matter the outcome of his honesty, he could never take back the words he had spilled into the silence of his motorhome. He couldn’t go on with his life as before, because he had created a permanent place in his life for Nico by acknowledging in actual spoken words what he meant to him. And it was up to Nico now to decide if he would go on living with Nico close by or if there would be a Nico-shaped hole in his existence. He knew he probably deserved it if Nico would walk out on him. He knew that no matter how much he had meant what he had said there was still the realistic possibility that it had been too late. Four years had passed since Nico left the sport. Four years since they parted ways. And so much longer since they had been together without the presence of angry rivalry and growing hatred.
How long can you wait for forgiveness? How long until there’s no other option than to go on without the person you always held dear, when it had been that same person to push you to the edge one time too many? Maybe Nico had been waiting long enough.
‘Lewis.’ Nico’s voice was stronger than it had been before.
‘Lewis. You fool.’ A soft, albeit still hesitant smile ran over his face. ‘Come here. Please. For once don’t question me, listen to me.’
And Lewis did. He stood up, walked the few steps to the couch, sat down next to the man whose name would always be intrinsically linked with his own and pulled him close. Nico buried his face in Lewis’ neck. Lewis wrapped his arms around Nico, his hands finding their way under his sweater, suddenly desperate to lose as many boundaries between them as possible.
No one needed to see the tears that fell into Nico’s golden hair.
No one needed to hear the soft words they whispered in each other’s ears.
It was nobody’s business, but their own.
It had taken them long enough.