Chapter Text
***
I need you to know, I would never be this strong without you
You've seen how I've grown, you took all my doubts, 'cause you were home
***
“You’ve been awfully quiet. Is everything alright?” They were sitting on the couch once again, a fire burned in the fireplace. Diego was lying on his back, his head resting in Lila’s lab.
They’ve spent the day exploring the area around the cabin. Lila still had no idea to whom the small cottage belonged, but as long as their stay did not bother anyone, she wouldn’t care either. She enjoyed the day so much. It was the longest time she actually spent with Diego, and they did it all alone. Nobody to interrupt them. No Commission, no siblings, no Apocalypse that needed to be stopped. Just the two of them walking along the coast side for a few hours, then heading into the village. They found out that the place was called Portree and was located on the Isle of Skye. After they managed to exchange their money, they went to pay off Lila’s depts at Gwen’s store they had quite a nice dinner at one of the local bars. Now they’re back in the cabin, that was filled with smell of fire and marshmallows. They even learned that Molly was absolutely right about her husband’s Whiskey, one did not want to miss it.
During the day they would have done it all… talking, laughing, enjoying each other’s company in silence, the latter actually included a lot of kissing as well, but mostly they just talked about whatever crossed their minds. How they grew up. Diego came to know that The Handler had just been as unforgivable to Lila as his dad had to him. But at least he had his siblings around, even if all of them felt apart after they left The Academy it had helped a great deal knowing he didn’t go through it all alone. Lila didn’t have that support. But it seemed The Handler took this whole ‘being a mother’ thing way more serious than good old Reginald. When Lila talked about her Diego noticed that she must have cared for her a lot, he couldn’t say if she still did, but it hadn’t been the right moment to ask her.
“You wanna talk about something?” Diego just now realized she stopped fondle his head.
“No, it’s nothing. I was just thinking about my family.”
“Oh. They must miss you by now I assume.” A feeling of guilt rushed through her. She came to see him and got so overwhelmed that she literally just took him. He didn’t tell his siblings where he was going. Sure, they were worried where the hell Diego was.
"I hardly doubt anybody misses me back in New York." A shadow crossed his face.
"Why? Because you've been an asshole so many times? Not that they aren't used it this aren't they?" Lila wanted it to be a simple joke to tease him. But this backfired tremendously.
"Is this you guessing, or what?" Diego felt the anger rise. "You really do know a great deal about me." Diego had no idea where his anger came from all of this sudden. Everything was just fine a few moments ago. But her knowing so much details of his past again just annoyed him. The words came out faster than he wanted them. He was furious about this and he didn’t want to suppress it any longer. It didn’t help his relationships in the past and he so much longed for this one with Lila to work out. Just this one time he wanted to be honest right from the beginning. Diego just hoped she would think so as well.
“I always wondered why you showed up in the asylum. Why me?"
Lila took a deep breath. Talking about this was inevitable but she had hoped this time wouldn't come quite too soon.
"Look Diego. In the beginning you were a job to me. But not anymore!" She shot the last words quickly because he pulled himself away from their cozy position. "I've read a lot about you. You seemed to be the easiest target out of your family. The others were far too unpredictable. But you… there was something about you that made me pick you."
"Am I supposed to take this as a compliment? Me being the weakest link?" Diego knew he was called a hothead and actually he wanted to work on this, but Lila’s words just made him even more furious.
"This is not what I was saying! And definitely not what I meant!" The weakest link Those were the exact same words The Handler used to describe him. The one isolated, not even quite liked by his siblings. The one who would act first rather than think it through and prefer to ask questions later, if any. Lila knew he was so much like herself.
"Then what did you mean to say?" Diego took one long look at her, unfortunately it didn’t help him with his anger to pass.
"I thought there was more about you than a handsome guy who can throw knives really well and knows how to be a real pain in the ass." The last thing Lila wanted to do was hurting him, but it seemed like this was inevitable, too.
"Well guess what? Maybe I am exactly that kind of guy." Urgh he was so angry with her. He always wondered why Lila and The Handler had chosen him. Five was right he wasn't Commission material at all. He always played by his own rules. That was what got him kicked out of the police and - even worse at that time - out of his relationship with Eudora. But they picked him because he was weak? Because he was easy to get to? This was just embarrassing. This was the point why he didn’t want anybody to be in his life. Nothing good ever comes out of letting people inside his life. He always just gets hurt.
"You and I both know you're not." Lila tried to take his hand, but he pulled it away.
"Then why Lila. Why did you play me like this? Or are you still?" His voice got low at the end. With every word he spoke Lila sensed how hurt he was. It was nearly impossible for her to look into his eyes. If she was right about him being a great deal like her, she knew how hard it was for him to expose himself like this. Putting down his emotions, his weak spot, right in front of her. Diego glanced at her with those beautiful brown eyes, full of sorrow and feelings. No, she couldn't stand them. Lila bowed her head and started to play with her own hands.
"I did play you. At first. It was kind of fun you know. I've read a lot about you; about the missions you went onto as a child and your time after The Academy." She paused and was glad he didn't interrupt her talking. "I knew about your complicated relationships with your family and... everyone else." Yes, she knew about Eudora as well, but this didn't matter now. This woman was in his past and as far as Lila knew she was dead.
"I needed to gain your trust. We both know it worked. But then there was this one time they've beaten you up so badly... That was when I realized you're not only a job to me anymore." She was still looking at her hands when that first tear dropped down on them.
Diego remembered the day she was talking about. One of these jackass orderlies mad a racist comment about Lila and he completely lost it. He actually still wasn't able to remember the days after. Yeah, they did beat him up and drugged him. But it had been worth it. He wouldn't let anyone talk to Lila like this. Slowly he could feel his anger vanish. It hurts to see her cry right in front of him.
"I never wanted to hurt your feelings… I swear. But I can't change the past…. I'm not playing you." Lila wondered if he was able to understand her at all through all of her sobbing. She felt strong arms wrapping around her. Diego dragged her close to him. The two of them were so much alike. Both stubborn and proud. He couldn’t stand seeing her cry, especially not about him, for it put a sharp sting inside his chest.
"It's okay Lila. It's okay, Honey." He whispered into her hair. Her tears got through his shirt, but he didn't mind for one second. He would hold her tight and comfort her as long as she would need it. It was selfish to pull her into that particular conversation just because he wanted to know the truth. Her whole world had been put upside down in those last few days. Even more than his actually. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you."
“No! I'm the one who is sorry." Lila wept against his chest. She sat back and made it to look into his face. “You so much deserve this apology. And I know you have more questions. I would have them.”
Diego did. But he wasn’t sure how far he could go. “Truth?” He remembered something they started in the Asylum. One would demand the truth to be spoken and the other one had to do it. No matter what. It helped both of them to stay sane. Lila nodded, just like she did in the barn when he last called it out.
“Okay then.” He breathed in heavily. There was this one thing he didn’t understand. The one big thing that held him back from admitting to her how much he loves her. “Why did you try to kill my family?”
“She manipulated me, played with my head. You knew her, you know how good she was with this kind of things.” Lila hated herself for how easily The Handler put the wrong thoughts in her head.
“I wanted to believe my mo-“ She paused. She wasn’t able to speak the word out loud. That woman wasn’t her mother, she never had been, all her childhood of bullshit manipulation just to use Lila’s abilities… She never wanted to think of her as anything else than a liar and a murderer again. Diego softly nods his head and gently stroked her cheek; he understood, and Lila didn’t have to say the word out loud.
“I was just so angry back at the time. You were gone, you left me behind at The Commission… Probably going back to your family for having a big, good laugh about me. How Five and you managed to trick me.”
It was Diego’s turn to just looked down in guilt. He reached out for her hand and, different from him a few minutes ago, she didn’t back off. He softly started caressing her palm with his thumb. Lila couldn’t see his face, for it was covered by his hair. She wanted to stroke it back behind his ear but paused in the middle of her movement when he suddenly grabbed into his pocket and pulled out something she thought was long gone. Her bracelet. The one she took from Diego at the asylum. The one she did wear every day since then, that constantly reminded him of Diego when she was alone or sad or simply missed him… until it was gone.
She always thought she must had lost it in the fights back at the farm. And now it was back on her wrist, Diego just put it back there. Tears filled up her eyes again. “Diego, you actually kept it!” He silenced her by putting his hand on her cheek and pulled her close to her. His lips finally touched hers, she could fell her head spinning, and gladly returned his kiss.
All of his anger was gone. She was telling him the truth; he was absolutely certain of this. Both grew up with ‘parents’ that cared more about themselves than they ever would care about their ‘children’. He had his siblings around most of the time to deal with this, but Lila had been all alone these last 26 years, just surrounded by that mad woman who was using her. He would never let her feel alone again, that was another thing he was absolutely certain about.
“Of course, I kept it. It belongs to you and to nobody else.” He smiled at her while holding his face in his hands. “And that woman? She is gone. No need to worry about her ever again.” Lila again just nodded. He was right. The Handler was dead, and she hoped this time she would stay that way. She let Diego pull her into another tight hug and placed her head comfortable on his chest where she could hear his heartbeat. Like this Lila felt safe, and, to be honest, she also felt loved like she never did before. She closed her eyes and her mind slowly drived away.
***
Sometimes I still think it's coming but I know it's not
Tryin' to breathe in and then out but the air gets caught
'Cause even though I'm older now and I know how to shake off the past
I wouldn't have made it if I didn't have you holding my hand
***
As soon as they entered the consulate the music hit Lila’s ears. Mexican Music, a Mariachi group. She never actually heard one of those groups play but she knew the sound. Maybe she was can convince Diego to dance with her. Diego, who looked terrific in the suit he borrowed from Elliot. Lila bet the latter never had be that handsome while wearing it.
Protect Number Five at all costs... Her mother’s words echoed in her head, but she got so distracted by the sight of Diego. Damn it. She couldn't fall for him. He was a target, nothing more. He definitely had to stay this way! The Handler would be so disappointed of her. And that would mean a lot of shitty jobs for Lila for at least a couple of months. Lila just didn't care right now. She had everything. Music, champagne, people she would never see again in her life, the perfect man. Again. No! She must not think about him in this way but still... Those eyes and this smile. Everything about Diego seemed to be just made for her. He was stubborn and proud and knew how to handle himself, on the other hand he was caring and sweet and that last night they spend together... Well it was perfect; Lila knew she wanted more. So, fuck her mother's plan. She was going to enjoy herself with him. Dancing. She wanted to dance with him.
And she did. It was everything she expected and more. The way his hand touches her lower back, how he did spin her around to the sound of the music. It was intense and Lila loved every second of it. It was fun when she changed their positions. Diego hadn't expected something like this to happen, but she was used to be in control, and she wanted him to know that she wasn’t the kind of girl you want to mess around with. He held her tight, caressed her back, lightly touched her nose with his and then his lips... His lips nearly touched hers. She wanted this kiss. She needed this kiss.
But she didn't get it. All of sudden he stiffed and pulled away from her. As if the last minutes didn't happen. He headed straight to a blonde woman. She looked nice; a little bit older than the two of them but with a lot of style. If Lila was honest with herself: The total opposite of her. A Woman like this would look so much better next to Diego than herself. She knew she wasn't what society would call 'beautiful’, but Diego gave her the feeling of being something special and so much wanted. And now he just left her on the dance floor, all by herself. She felt way too much right now. Embarrassment, a slight anger, but mostly she was jealous. Jealous that only the sight of this woman was enough to draw all of Diego’s attention. Who was she? Lila knew that he hadn't been that long in Dallas before he was admitted into the Asylum for stalking Oswald. How did he come to know this woman?
***
I don't wanna lose control
Nothing I can do anymore
Tryin' every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin' out in space pressing on my chest
I don't wanna lose control
***
They decided to not have any secrets between them due to the fact they both wanted this relationship to work out. They had been lied to nearly their whole life; they didn't want it to just continue like this.
„You remember the night we went to the dance?” Lila woke up and found herself still cuddled against Diego. The light of the day slowly faded, and it had started to rain.
“The one I ended up being beaten the shit out of me and you ran off to helping Five instead of me? Oh yeah sure, that one was lovely! You wanna go again?” He chuckled.
"Want to be my lady again?" He deserved to be mocked a little bit.
"Next time I'm gonna be prepared!" Diego bend down to kiss her. It was just small things like this that made her smile and put a warm feeling inside her whole body, even fasten up her heartbeat. Lila must admit she definitely felt head over heels for this man.
"In your dreams, knife boy." She smiled back. Maybe now wasn’t the time to talk about the woman. Lila really wanted to now, but she was worried her question might destroy the atmosphere.
“How come you’re thinking about it now? Come on I’m curious.” A smirk still on his face.
“Okay, but promise you won’t laugh at me okay?” This was so embarrassing.
“Yeah I promise, Sweetheart.” Another kiss followed his words and so did another wave of comforting, warm feeling that rushed through Lila’s entire body. She sighed.
“So… the night we went out dancing. We had a great time…” She needed to pause because the way his hands where all over her body distracted her so much. “You want to hear the story or what?” Lila didn’t wait for him to answer but kissed him instead. Diego caressed her body and she just couldn’t help but enjoyed all of this very much. When they stopped kissing Diego would just smile at her and Lila knew he felt the same as she did.
“You were saying…?”
“The woman with the blond hair… you never told me who she was. And you left me all by my own on that dancefloor… That was actually kind of rude.” Even though he promised her not to laugh, Diego wasn’t able to hold back a light chuckle. “Diego!”
"Lila, I swear to you, you have nothing to worry about." He still got a smile on his face when he looked her right into the eyes, his hand softly touched her face. "It quite sweet you've been jealous though." Lila saw the corner of his mouth twitched in amusement.
"Stop it will you. You've humiliated me by leaving me like this."
"Guess we're even now sweetheart." Diego kissed her, sometimes Lila deserved to be teased a little bit he thought. But she wouldn't let it go.
"But who was she?"
"Her name is Grace. She is my mother." By the look on Lila’s face he knew he had to elaborate more. "My dad had my mom built when we were little. She was a robot. I always wondered where he got the idea from of how she should look like. Weird that he chose his former girlfriend."
"A robot? You're kidding me, right? And I thought my childhood was a mess!" Lila still needed to get used to the thought of her mother lying to her whole life.
"No I'm serious. Mom was a robot. Not in a way you might be thinking about it right now. She was the best. She was always there when we... when I needed her in particular. She helped me when I struggled with, yeah really everything." Diego paused he didn't know how much he can tell her. He trusted Lila, more than he had trusted anyone in years. The only two persons that let him feel so safe to open up had been Eudora and Grace.
“When I was a kid, I envied all of my siblings. Their lives, their powers… their relationships with one another.” Diego was glad Lila just let him talk. “I was so jealous of Luther being Number One and how well he was getting along with Allison. Don’t get me wrong I never wanted to be that close to Allison, not in the way Luther was. But I figured it would be nice to have somebody to comfort and take care of me like she did with Luther. Ben and Klaus would always stick together, doing fun stuff when we didn’t have to train. I went with them a few times, but they got those kinds of inside jokes that I just never understood.” Lila didn’t want him to stop talking, he seemed to need tell somebody urgently. So, she simply took his hand and her own and started caressing it. He smiled and continued.
“And then of course there were Vanya and Five… Their relationship was kind of odd to be honest. He would sit on her bed for hours, listening to her playing the violine and after every mission we went to he would find a peanut butter marshmallow sandwich on his bed. He once shared it with me actually after I got hurt in a crazy mission.” He stared into the fire for a long time. Lila watched the way the flames put shadows on his face and how they reflected in those gorgeous brown eyes. She so much wanted to touch him and comfort him in every way he possibly needed it. But if she was the one opening up like this, she wouldn’t wanted him to interrupt her right now, so she merely kept placing circles in his palm with her thump.
“I felt so alone most of my time. If it hadn’t been for my mum I would have ran away sooner.” He glanced down at their tightly knotted hands. “But I convinced myself that she needed me. It was stupid and childish thinking. My mom didn’t need anyone but her recharge station. But still… I couldn’t bring myself to leave her behind.”
Lila couldn’t stand it anymore. He looked so hurt and she has to do something about this. She slid closer and snuggled herself close to him. He sighed in relieve and put her arms around her to pull her close. She started nuzzling her face against his neck and Diego happily accepted her to do so. He longed for her touch so much and even her soft lips touching his skin right there put a shiver down his spine.
She didn’t have to say a single word. He wasn’t alone anymore. The woman he held tight in his arms understood him, he was absolutely positive about this. Her childhood too had left her totally messed up. When he was digging that grave for Elliott and he accused her of lying to him he was wearing his heart on his tongue. Back in 2019 he gave this situation a second thought and came to the conclusion he made a mistake. She did what she had to do at that time. It was her getting a job done. She had to now that he was sorry.
“I’m sorry what I said the last time it had only been you and me.” Lila stopped kissing his neck and sat herself into a position where she was able to see his face.
“What are you apologizing for? You had every right to be pissed at me. I lied to you, and yes in the beginning I was using you.” Her stomach twisted with fear and her voice was utterly higher than usual. What if he was never able to forgive her about this? Did this thought just cross his mind? Was he leaving her? Did he really want to just forget her?
Diego perceived her wide eyes, there might be even panic in them. Shit he didn’t want her to feel this way. “No, no.” He quickly pulled her back into a hug. “Don’t worry. I’m not mad at you or something. I’m just sorry I said that stupid thing about forgetting you. I could never do anything like that.” He softly kissed her head and put his own head down on hers. While the minutes passed by Lila’s body slowly lost her tension and she cuddled herself closer to him. It was so smoothing to listen to his breathing.
Diego too relaxed himself. The light of the day had vanished completely, but the light of the fire put everything into a calming orange shade. He thought about their conversation. The two of them are really making progress here. He considered it as their first big fight, and it seemed they got through it. By simply talking about it and not ending up with one being alone because the other just ran away. It sure was something they could be proud of. Diego absentminded fondled Lila’s neck what made her just wrap her arms tighter around him. He couldn’t help but smile because of this. Lila was able to trigger a whole lot of emotions in him. In this moment it was a warm and comfortable feeling all over his chest. And why the hell wasn’t he able to stop smiling? He felt like this before. He got those feelings with Eudora as well… but not that intense and not that quick. Diego even wasn’t sure what to call what they got. Was this a relationship? Was she even planning on staying with him? Or was Lila just checking in on him and then once again goes off, living her own life? A life without him? His hand must have stopped because Lila moved on his chest.
“Hmmm go on please.” Her voice was quiet and a little sleepy. It let the feeling inside of him grow even stronger.
“Always baby.” His lips once again found their way to her head. He told himself that he felt Lila smile against his chest. For the time being her reaction was enough for him. He would ask her whether they had a future together. But not tonight. Tonight, he would enjoy being close to her. For now, it has to be enough.
***
I don't wanna lose control
Nothing I can do anymore
Tryin' every day when I hold my breath
Spinnin' out in space pressing on my chest
I don't wanna lose control