Chapter Text
"I need some new clothes, Dee."
Dee rolls her eyes. "Oh, did college make you fat? Gain that freshman fifteen? You have enough clothes, Sammy, gimme a break."
Sam doesn't say anything and Dee turns to look at her. Sam looks away, out of the window, where fields and little white houses are passing by in a blur. "Me and Jess shared most of our clothes. I don't want to wear them anymore."
Whatever Dee was planning to say gets stuck in her throat. "Um." She swallows. "Yeah, we can get you some new clothes."
"I saw a sign for a mall in the next town." Sam's voice is toneless. "I just want some shorts. You know yours don't fit me." Dee has wide hips and a curvy butt, the kind that guys in dive bars like to slap when she walks past them, while Sam's legs are all bone and muscle, from playing soccer in high school and basketball in college.
It's silent for the next few minutes. Dee swings the Impala into the exit for the next town. They're somewhere in Shithole, Illinois and everything fucking looks the same, but at least it's not California. It's gonna be a while before Dee wants to go back to California. Sam's hair still smells like smoke.
They go to the Gap. Sam tries on pants and blouses and plain t-shirts, while Dee loiters in front of the changing room and scowls at teenage girls who gawk at her bloodstained jeans. Dee lets Sammy buy whatever she wants, even new underwear and a totally impractical green dress. It matches her eyes.
"So," says Dee, after Sam has stowed her shopping bags in the trunk of the Impala. "Wanna go to the Red Cross or somethin'?
'I want to burn them." There is something almost frightening in the way she says, like she's figured something out, like she's about to march into battle.
Dee feels uneasy. She needs a beer. And a cigarette. She doesn't even smoke. "You sure, Sammy? I thought you were into that whole people-in-need schtick?" She glances at her sister.
Sam's arms are folded and she's got that stubborn expression on the face, the one their dad always said made her look like a mule. She looks angry, and dangerous, too dangerous for Dee's taste. Her neat brown braid does nothing to lessen the effect. "I said I want to burn them, Dee. I'm not having anyone wear those clothes. It's bad luck."
Even though Dee's a firm believer that bad luck only happens to Winchesters, she shrugs her shoulders. It's not a big deal either way. 'If that's what makes you happy."
"It doesn't," says Sam flatly.
So they drive to the outskirts of town that evening and make a small fire next to an empty road. The air is chilly and Dee shivers even in their Dad's leather jacket. It doesn't fit her. She knows it never will.
Sam brings out her duffel bag, an ugly red thing with holes in it. Dee's never seen it before, though, so it must have belonged to her and Jess. She wonders if they went camping together. The thought tastes like vinegar in her mouth, but she doesn't know if she's jealous of Jess or angry at the thing that killed her.
There's a weird fizzle when Sam throws the first t-shirt onto the fire, and the flames are nearly extinguished. "Put some more paper on," orders Sam. Dee bites back the five snappy things she wants to say, and does so. Sam takes out some more t-shirts. Dee notices the way she looks at them, her face all soft, the way she inhales through her nose, as if trying to capture their smell, and it hits her that Sam loved Jess, really really loved her, the way their dad loved their mom, even. Her stomach hurts. She really needs that beer.
The t-shirts go onto the fire, along with a pair of shorts, some underwear, and a red, lacy bra. They both say nothing. Dee can't even laugh when Sam throws on the matching panties.
Last, is a blue hoodie, the one that Sam was wearing when Dee picked her up at Stanford, the one she was wearing when they killed the Woman in White, the ones that she was wearing when Dee dropped her off in front of her dorm, both of them laughing and smiling, with no idea of what was going to happen in a few minutes. Sam holds it for a few seconds and Dee glimpses something written on the tag. Property of J. Moore. Sam drenches it in gasoline and drops it into the flames.
They look at the fire for a minute or so. "Let's go, Dee," says Sam, and they trudge back to the Impala.
.
Deanna wakes that night to the sound of snuffling. The knife is already in her hand before she realizes it's Sam. Her little sister is crying, her bony shoulders shaking, her face buried in her pillow in an attempt to muffle the noise. It is a terrible noise, one that hurts Dee's heart.
She gets out of bed and sits down on her sister's. Sam raises her head. "It's ok, Dee, I'm ok. Go back to bed." The moonlight makes the tears on her face sparkle.
Dee does not go back to her bed. Instead, she climbs into Sam's, pulling the covers up to her neck and wrapping her arms around Sam. Sam starts crying again. "I love you," she says.
If it were daytime, Dee would scoff, or crack a joke, but it is night time, and her baby sister's heart is broken, so she says "I love you, too" in a very hoarse voice and pulls Sam closer.
.
They only return to Palo Alto once, about seven years later. Dee wasn't even going to check out the job, some standard ghost deal, but Sam had wanted to. Dee knows that if places had been reversed she wouldn't want to ever set foot anywhere near Stanford again, but maybe Sam needs closure. God knows they don't get much of that.
They drive by Sam's old dorm while trying to find a motel. It's been rebuilt and Sam just stares at it with her mouth open while Dee stares at her and is honked at by other drivers for being too slow. There are tears in Sam's eyes for the next ten minutes, but Dee pretends not to notice and bitches about traffic instead.
Sam recognizes everything, Dee can tell. She recognizes frozen yogurt bars and thrift stores and parks and random signs and trees. But she says nothing to Dee, nothing at all. She doesn't mention Jess' name once. Dee supposes that this part of Sam will always be shut off to her. It makes her stomach clench to think about how it was probably the happiest time in Sam's entire life. The time without Dee.
On the way out, the job finished, Sam asks Dee if they can stop by the cemetery. It's raining and Dee's tired and really fucking hungry, but she knows that this is probably gonna be the last time Sam's in Palo Alto, so she wanders around and reads gravestones and watches Sam out of the corner of her eye while Sam sits in front of Jess' grave. She watches her sister trace Jessica's name with her fingertips, smell the wet roses lying next to the tombstone, and finally bury her face in her hands and sob. Then she comes over and puts one hand on Sam's shoulder.
They stay like that for an hour, while it rains and rains and rains, and then they leave Palo Alto and never come back.