Chapter Text
Estelle no wanna stop
No wanna be still.
Squeaky stopped.
No more sounds.
What happen?
Why it not move?
Estelle no know.
Cat catch rat all time.
Cat catch. Cat eat.
But…but Estelle no wanna eat.
No eat yucky rat.
Why no feel right?
Scary lady no yell.
No stomp.
Still scary.
Like mad godmama Stella.
Quiet scary.
“Why are you all standing around? Who told you to stop your chores?”
Estelle stay still.
Scary scary scary.
“They heard yelling. They likely thought something happened to you.”
Scary lady no like.
Make weird noise.
Estelle…go hide?
But found.
What do?
“Hearing me raise my voice doesn’t mean you get to slack off.”
Angry nose-blow.
No move.
She might stare.
Mad at Estelle?
“But since you’re already here, you can make yourselves useful. Kevin—get the broom and dustpan. Ries, bring me a small box. Something with a lid.”
Boy run.
Pink girl run too.
Estelle wanna go.
Wanna follow.
But…no.
No inside.
Estelle good.
Estelle stay.
Curl in ball.
Scary lady stare again.
Mad?
Mad cuz Estelle break squeaky?
Estelle sorry.
No mad, please.
“...Where did you come from, little one…”
Ear twitch.
Where Estelle from?
No know.
Go sleep.
Wake up here, near boy.
Dream weird.
“It’s just a kitten, Matron Fedelma. It wanders into the courtyard sometimes.”
“Does it now?”
W-Why scary lady stare?
“Things must be rough in Emerose if it’s coming all the way here looking for food.”
No food.
No need food.
Estelle here…
Here…
F…
Fo…for…
For boy.
Estelle here for boy.
But.
Estelle found.
Lose game.
Boy no want Estelle now?
Boy no look.
“Liam.”
Scary lady point.
“Sweep that up. Kevin, avoid direct contact. Hold the dustpan steady. We’ll clean your hands after. I’ll see about replacing the broom.”
Estelle back up, slow-slow.
Estelle boy give broom to tall boy.
Boy crouch.
Hold pan.
Stare at rat.
Estelle look.
Blink.
Broom go swish .
Rat go…
No more squeaky.
No more move.
Pink girl back.
Why box?
“Put it in here. Vermin or not, it was still a living creature. Start a firepit. We’ll burn the body.”
Boy slide rat in box.
Why rat in box?
Rat no squeak.
Rat break.
Why why why?
“Liam, chase the cat off.”
Estelle?
No want Estelle?
Estelle bad?
No stay?
“Chase it off?”
No chase!
Estelle good!
Please!
Here f-for boy!
“With the broom. I don’t want it around here. Who knows what it’s carrying after being near those rats.”
C-Carrryy…carry what?
What mean?
Rat stuff?
Estelle not rat!
Estelle clean!
Had bath!
Boy! Say ding!
Estelle kitten!
Not yucky rat!
…Boy?
!!!
No touch Estelle!
“Go, go. You gotta go.”
Hmph!
Mama say word f-for dis.
R-Rude.
Rude!
Estelle walk by ‘self!
No touch!!
See?
Wait here!
By tree!
Estelle good!
Estelle smart.
Wait.
Watch.
‘Fore wake up.
…
Boy…
Boy no talk.
Boy no want Estelle…
Estelle wake up.
Blanket warm.
Pillow soft.
No trees. No dirt.
Just room. Just bed.
Sit up slow. Rub eyes.
Face wet.
Cry?
No ‘member.
‘Member dream.
Scary lady.
Rat.
Boy.
No smile.
No say bye.
Just look.
See hands.
No paws.
Estelle hands.
Not kitty.
Estelle, Estelle.
Hug knees.
Tummy twisty.
Like fall down.
Sniff.
Wanna cry.
Like boy.
Nice boy.
No yell.
No push.
What word…
Mama say…
Lo…
Lo…
Lonnnne.
Ahhh-looonnne…
Ah-lone.
Estelle ah-lone.
No fren.
No leave home.
T-Too small.
Boy oohnleee fren.
B-But…
Scary lady say ‘go’.
Say ‘no cat’.
Boy no say no.
No talk.
No stop broom.
Shiff.
Blanket warm.
No warm ‘nuff.
Arms empty. Hug want.
No boy hug.
“Dumb dream.”
No mean it.
Like part dream.
Not end.
End sad.
Creak.
“Estelle, it’s time to wake up.”
“Yes, Mama.”
Mama pick up.
Go clean.
Clean teeth.
Wash face.
Eyes no sticky.
Mama g-gennntle wid brush.
Always make hair nice.
Soft soft.
Shiny.
Up in pigtails
Love pigtails.
Mama best.
Love carry.
Warm.
No sad.
Eggs!
Clap clap.
Chew chew chew.
…
Estelle no need food.
Mama m-make food.
Estelle eat.
Scare lady wr…wr…
What word…
Wr…
Mmph.
No right.
Scary lady no right.
No need food.
Estelle dream ‘n see boy.
Just be dere.
“What’s wrong, Estelle? Did you have a bad dream?”
“Mama…how tell…no need food?”
“You’re not hungry?”
“Estelle eat! B-But in dream. No need food. Cuz dream.”
Giggle.
“It’s your dream, isn’t it? Can’t you tell them yourself?”
“B-But Estelle kitty! No talk! Try! Only meows!”
“I suppose you’re too young for lucid dreaming.”
“What dat?”
“That just means you can change things in your dream-like picking a color when you draw.”
“Estelle no loot-sid. Estelle kitty. Scary lady m-make biiiig boy.”
Word. Word.
Woooooord.
Oh!
Slip.
Tap tap tap.
“Dis!”
Swish, swish.
“Tall boy do dis! Estelle no like!”
“He swept the floor?”
“No! Sweep Estelle! No like! Estelle big girl. Walk tree by ‘self. No need broom sweep.”
Mama stop. Look look.
Den-arms.
Wrap tight.
Soft.
Safe.
“Did it hurt you?”
“No…”
Why voice small…
“No hurt…but scary.”
“Oh, my poor little star…come here.”
Pat back.
Rub rub.
Forehead kiss.
Estelle warm again.
Mama warmest.
“Are you thinking about the forest again? You know we have to wait for Daddy if we want to explore.”
“No, no ‘splore.”
“Hmm. The tall boy—is that the one you mentioned before? The one in your drawing?”
“No no! Estelle boy not taaaalll.”
Slap slap slap.
“How many boys are there?”
“Lots!”
“Then how am I to know you’re talking about him?”
Gasp.
Good kwesh-chen.
Estelle know Estelle boy.
Not Mama.
How tell Mama?
“Your drawing was interesting. Which one was he again?”
“Green hair! Estelle boy green hair!”
“So those green scribbles were his hair and not his clothes?”
“Yeah yeah yeah!”
Like grass! Like leaves!
Light green. Dark green. Shine green.
Use all green crayons!
“I see. And what’s his name?”
Boy name?
“Ki.”
“Ki?”
“Ki-ki-kiiieeeehhhh…”
“You can do it.”
“Keeeehhhh….fffffff…fffff….”
“Almost there.”
“Keeehhhh-fffff…ffffiiiiinnnn…”
“Kevin?”
“Yeah! Keh-fffiin.”
“Try the ‘vuh’ sound, little star. Like in very .”
“Ffffvvvvuhh.”
“Almost! One more time, little star.”
“Vvvuuuh. Keehhh-fffvvviiin. Keehh-ffviin.”
“Kevin.”
“Keh-fvin.”
“See? You said his name.”
Slap slap slap.
“Keh-fvin! Keh-fvin!”
Estelle boy Keh-fvin!
Say name!
Wish…wish Keh-fvin hear.
No meows.
Estelle wanna say name.
Wanna tell Keh-fvin. Estelle, Estelle…
Maybe…maybe next dream.
Uh-oh.
Estelle inside ‘gain.
Inside bad.
Inside scary.
Hide now.
Hide hide hide.
No want trouble. No want scary lady. No yell-yell.
Estelle hide.
Keh-fvin no in trouble.
Keh-fvin good boy.
Estelle fault.
Not Keh-fvin fault. Never
Keh-fvin sleep now. Still uurrrr-leeeee.
No wake him.
No-no.
Estelle quiet.
Estelle small.
Estelle smart.
Hide time.
Thump .
Where hide?
Sniff sniff .
Smell wood. Dust.
No reach door. Door big. Handle up-up. Paw no go up-up.
No open.
No…
No no no.
Not st…
H-Hard word.
St….st…
Mmmmph…
Estelle sneaky sneak!
Wait-wait till oders wake? Then run-run out?
Maybe…
But—
What if brooms chase?
What if scary lady yell-yell?
What if…
Estelle f-found?
No
Estelle bestest hider.
Bestest sneak.
Soft-soft paws.
No sounds.
Shiff .
Check air.
Sniff-sniff.
Safe?
Okay
Wait-wait.
Run out when oders wake.
Run fast.
Out door.
Outside.
Keh-fvin no in trouble.
Estelle good girl.
Smart girl.
Hide-good girl.
Squeak.
…Wait.
Squeak?
Estelle freeze.
Ears twitch.
Squeaky squeaks?
Little ones?
…Rats?
Maybe…
Maybe rats.
Mrrr?
Estelle find?
Find rats?
Playtime?
But—no eat rats. No no. Dat not good.
Kitties eat rats but…Estelle not real kitty.
Just dream kitty.
No eat. Just play.
Play nice.
Chase?
Find?
Okay!
Go!
Sniff sniff.
Rats fast.
Estelle fastest.
Tap tap tap.
Follow squeaks!
Squeak squeak.
Where squeak?
Here?
No…
Here?
Squeeeaaak!
Wait!
Tiny hole!
Dark-dark.
Smell like…old shoes?
Fit?
Estelle small-small.
Fit in hole.
Crawl-crawl.
Quiet paws.
Whiskers tickle.
Wall cold. Nose itchy.
Ooh…sneeze come…
No!
Hold in!
Gotta sneak.
Squeak-squeak…
Rats louder!
Close!
Estelle chase-chase!
Fast!
Tail twitch! Paws slip—no fall!
Almost—
Squuueak sqea—squuuuueak!
Wait…
Where—
Where now?
Floor yucky.
Sticky.
Wet?
Sniff…
Smell bad.
Weird stink. Sharp-stink.
Like…green stuff.
Bad green.
Not leaf green.
Not Keh-fvin green.
No-no.
Stink green.
Hurts nose.
Whiskers tingly.
Too dark.
Too quiet.
Too tight.
No squeaks.
No rats.
Ah-lone.
Estelle ah-lone.
Wanna go back.
Want out.
Where out?
Keh-fvin?
Help?
Call?
Try?
Word…da word…
L… L…what word?
No ‘member.
Try ‘gain.
Keh-fvin.
Estelle—
sssst—sss—stuuuck?
Stuck?
No hole.
No light.
No out.
…
Estelle stuck?
Oh.
Oh no.
Estelle no want stuck.
No Keh-fvin here.
No one here.
No Mama.
No bed.
No toys.
No window.
No stars.
No stories.
Estelle stay?
All ah-lone?
…
Scrrr scrrr.
Try wake.
Try move.
Nodding work.
Body all fuzzy.
Brain fuzzy.
Heart fuzzy.
Wanna cry.
But…
Too small.
Too scared.
Estelle wanna go home.
Estelle wanna hug Mama.
Estelle wanna curl up in Keh-fvin coat.
Hear heart go buh-bump buh-bump.
Safe sound.
Safe boy.
Estelle wanna go.
Estelle wanna wake.
But…
St-stuuuck.
No move.
No cry.
No call.
Only dink.
Only wait.
Wait in dark.
Ah-lone.
…
Estelle no bestest hider.
Estelle st-stuck.
Scared…
The kitten mewed, pawing at the rat’s body again.
It didn’t move. Still dead. Still broken.
Kevin didn’t move either. He just stood there, holding his breath like it might stop the Matron from getting angry.
She wasn’t screaming anymore. Just staring.
Her eyes flicked to the woodpile—where the other rats had hidden—then swept over the children one by one, like she was counting them. Or blaming them. “Why are you all standing around? Who told you to stop your chores?”
No one answered. No one dared.
Rufina stepped forward, voice calm.
“They heard yelling,” she said. “They likely thought something happened to you.”
The Matron scoffed like that was nothing.
“Hearing me raise my voice doesn’t mean you get to slack off.”
She sighed through her nose. “But since you’re already here, you can make yourselves useful. Kevin—get the broom and dustpan. Ries, bring me a small box. Something with a lid.”
“Yes, Matron,” they both mumbled.
Kevin ran, even though his legs didn’t want to listen.
The dustpan was where it always was. The broom he’d dropped earlier lay on its side.
Ries passed him, her hair bouncing behind her as she hurried upstairs.
He grabbed both and came back out, heart thudding.
He didn’t look at the kitten.
Didn’t want to.
Not until he knew what the Matron was going to say.
But she saw it. Still staring at it.
“Liam,” she said, pointing. “Sweep that up. Kevin, avoid direct contact. Hold the dustpan steady. We’ll clean your hands after. I’ll see about replacing the broom.”
Kevin crouched and held the pan steady.
Liam swept carefully, like he thought it might jump up again.
Kevin stared at the rat’s head.
It was crooked. The neck bent the wrong way.
The kitten did that.
That tiny thing…it had stopped the squeaking.
He swallowed hard. His throat felt tight.
Ries returned with a box—a shoebox, maybe.
“Put it in here,” the Matron said. “Vermin or not, it was still a living creature.”
She turned to Liam. “Start a firepit. We’ll burn the body.”
He didn’t want to think about it burning.
Didn’t want to picture a pile of rats like that.
Didn’t want to smell it.
But he did what he was told. Placed the limp rat in the box. Closed the lid.
The kitten just sat there. Quiet. Still. Watching.
Then Matron Fedelma said it.
“Liam, chase the cat off.”
What?
“Chase it off?” Liam asked, confused.
“With the broom. I don’t want it around here. Who knows what it’s carrying after being near those rats.”
Kevin’s grip tightened around the dustpan.
That wasn’t fair. It helped.
It was the only one that did anything.
Not even the Matron or teens had done anything.
He opened his mouth-
But Ries looked at him. Just a glance. Small.
Don’t.
He bit the words back.
Liam hesitated, then took the broom and gently nudged the kitten.
“Go on,” he whispered. “You gotta go.”
The kitten didn’t fight.
It didn’t look back.
Just sat beside one of the tree trunks, like it was waiting.
He hated how quiet it was.
“None of you feed it,” the Matron said, voice clipped. “If it comes back, ignore it.”
They never did give it good, not once.
The kitten never stole anything either.
But he couldn’t say that.
If he did, he’d be telling her that they all knew it had been inside—sleeping beside the stairs, curled up on Ries’s new scarf, brushing against their legs when no one else was around.
And he didn’t want to see what would happen if the Matron found out.
So he stayed quiet.
But the words stuck anyway.
Hot.
Bitter.
His chest still burned.
Kevin’s on edge the whole time when the next day begins.
Without fail, that kitten always found its way inside. Always.
But not today.
And Matron Fedelma has been keeping a sharp eye on everyone since breakfast—lips thin, eyes narrowed, like she knows something.
Kevin can’t sit still.
He’s tense during morning chores. His hands keep slipping. He spills half the water he’s supposed to bring in. Drops a rag in the mud—the one he’s meant to use in place of a broom until they get a new one. He knows it’s going to kill his back.
Outside, when he glances through the open gate toward the trees—toward the one the kitten sat beneath yesterday—his stomach flutters, twisting and shrinking all at once.
Still no kitten.
Even during required reading and writing—though the kitten never came during lessons—his eyes flick to the windows. Just in case.
But it’s not there.
Not watching.
Not waiting.
Not coming.
It’s…gone.
Did the Matron do something?
Did she send for someone while she was out with Rufina this morning?
Did she tell someone to get rid of it while they weren’t looking?
His gut knots. The back of his throat goes sour, like he drank milk left out too long.
He let them get rid of it.
He let them.
So what if he’s the newest kid?
So what if he gets in trouble?
So what?
That…that kitten…
It always showed up when he was at his worst. Before Rufina and Ries. When everything felt hopeless—when every glance sent his way was full of disgust or disdain. When his stomach clawed at itself whether he was freezing, soaked, or sweating.
Not every day—it’s not like he could’ve fed it, anyway—but on the bad days, the ones where his chest hurt and his hands wouldn’t stop shaking? When he got so desperate he ate food that was going bad?
It came then.
Like it knew.
Like it was watching, waiting—just for him.
It would rub against his knees. Purr like a swarm of bees. Curl up beside him like he was its favorite pillow.
And he didn’t do a single thing.
He should’ve ignored Ries.
Should’ve said something.
Anything .
But what could he have said? “It’s mine”? “It’s my friend”?
Animals were forbidden. Something about bugs and disease. Everyone knew that.
And Matron Fedelma—as strict as she was—had a heart underneath.
She never hit them. Didn’t scream. Didn’t hurl insults. She’d make them reread scriptures. Pray again and again. Tell them they had to live by the words of Aidios, the Sky Goddess.
She…cared.
At least, that’s what Rufina always said.
And Kevin…sort of gets it.
She had Liam shoo the kitten away with a broom. Because she didn’t want anyone getting sick.
If he’d spoken up…
She probably would’ve turned up her nose, handed him extra writing drills, and banned him from going outside for a week.
But still.
But still .
He grits his teeth, wishing he’d said something. Cramped hand or not.
Even as the sun sets—dinner eaten, chores done, shoes lined up by the door—
there’s no sign.
No quiet paws.
No tiny meow.
No blur of fur darting under the gate.
He didn’t even get to say goodbye.
…
It’s fine.
It’s fine .
It was just a dumb stray.
He was never going to be allowed to keep it anyway.
It kept sneaking in. Almost got him caught more than once.
He could’ve been punished.
So what if it’s gone?
So what if the adults took it?
So what if it’ll never bring him those stupid bugs again— alive , even—so proud, like it was giving him treasure?
So…so what…
He lies on his side in the lower bunk, curled up with the blanket over his mouth.
Kevin doesn’t cry. He just folds up and waits.
The pillow smells like sun and soap. He turns it over. Buries his face. Breathes in the clean fabric like it might scrub out his chest, too.
He doesn’t move his head, not when he hears the mattress creak. Not even when someone climbs down. He listens, though.
A soft rustle. Quiet footsteps. The swish of a skirt. Slow. Small.
He hears the door open.
He knows who’s leaving.
Knows where she’s going.
But Kevin doesn’t move. Doesn’t ask her to stay. Doesn’t try to stop Ries
He lets her.
He’s still upset with her for stopping him.
It’s better this way.
Kevin’s stomach curls. He flips onto his back and stares at the slats of the bunk bed above.
Candlelight flickers through the cracked door. Ries forgot to close it all the way. He doesn’t care. Doesn’t move.
The blankets are too warm now, but he doesn’t kick them off. Doesn’t do anything.
Because he doesn’t care. He really doesn’t.
If that kitten wanted to stay, it would’ve popped up already. Appeared out of thin air like always. Scurried right up to him, rubbing against his legs. Brought him a random bug, wriggling in its tiny mouth.
It didn’t.
So what?
Kevin’s throat feels tight. He swallows hard, like there’s milk stuck there. But he already drank the milk.
A whole glass. Warm. It tasted better than usual. Someone must’ve added a little sugar or honey.
Was it Rufina? Liam, maybe?
He scowls.
He didn’t need their pity.
It…it’s just a stupid furball that somehow followed him all the way up here.
He doesn’t care.
Even if his eyes are hot. Even if he can’t stop thinking about the way it looked back at him while walking out.
Even if he hates that it didn’t put up a fight when Liam gently nudged it with the broom.
Just walked away.
He’s just mad.
At Ries. At Liam. At everyone.
Kevin rolls to his side. Pulls the blanket over his head. Breathes in the warmth. Listens to the silence.
No paws. No meow.
Just the sound of a door swinging softly closed in the hallway.
He stays like that until he dreams he’s back in the cold again—shaking, arms around himself, breath fogging the air.
And this time—
no warm curl of fur.
No tiny weight against his chest.
No faint mew pleading for attention.
This time—
it never comes.