Chapter Text
It’s been a long time since Ratio has shared a living space with another person. The last time he recalled doing so was his first year at Veritas Prime. However, that hadn’t lasted long, as his roommate had complained that Ratio was far too eccentric for him to deal with. Halfway through the year Ratio was reassigned to a single board room; not that he had minded. He rather liked being able to stay up late, working on his projects without being flooded with tired complaints. Not much has changed since then; once Ratio gets his mind set on something he’s fully invested and naturally it leads to a lack of time management on his end.
Despite the knowledge that Aventurine was in fact staying in his guest room, the presence of another human in his home wasn’t felt until early the next day when said gambler stumbled out of his room, down the hall and into the bathroom.
There wasn’t even a hello or good morning, just clamorous noise announcing his presence as Ratio was attempting to make his morning tea. He’s used to the silence his home provides. Mornings were only accompanied by the soft chirping of birds and the occasional car passing by.
The clatter nearly made Ratio drop his tea cup– which already took him far longer to locate than he’d like to admit. Relying on touch and sound to get around up until this point wasn't entirely terrible, but Ratio had never tried to brew tea blind before. He was so occupied by his task that he hadn’t noticed Aventurine had made his way into the kitchen. The scholar was still skirting about, trying to fill his kettle with water.
“Doc, do you need help with that?” Aventurine’s voice suddenly emerges right by Ratio’s ear, causing him to jump in surprise.
He didn’t even hear the man come up next to him.
“That depends, are you capable of setting a kettle up?” Reluctantly, Ratio lets go of his prized kettle and allows Aventurine to take it from him. The only response he receives is a yawn paired with a pat on his shoulder.
The sound of water running fills the silent kitchen for just a few moments before the click of the stove burner turns on. Ten seconds pass and Ratio sighs, thankful his kitchen is still intact.
“I just need to take it off when it makes noise right?”
“Yes; just– just be careful, it will be hot .”
“Yeah yeah. I’ll use your little duck gloves if you’re that worried.”
Perhaps having someone in his home wasn’t too terrible. Adjusting fully will take time, and as Ratio believes, there is no rush. Especially when his company is his dearest gambler.
~*~
The following days had a similar routine, along with Aventurine insisting on ordering them food to eat. Ratio was not pleased by this idea, but thankfully the restaurants around his neighborhood were good, local businesses that made most of their food by hand. He misses being able to prepare his own food, however he did choose this area partly due to the local restaurants high quality, home cooked meals. It certainly was nice to know everything was made from scratch for the times he had gone to eat out rather than at home. Though, not having to take the risk of his kitchen blowing up was also a nice bonus, even though Aventurine had suggested hiring a private chef for the time being while neither of them could cook. The idea was shot down; Ratio did not want to rely on more people when it wasn’t needed.
While Aventurine attempted to take care of the typical household duties, Ratio had spent his time contacting various manufacturers for biomechanical prosthetics. It was strange living in a time period where technology could take you to distant planets, but still struggled to safely replace limbs and other organic body parts. Cyborgs existed, and many people across the universe have mechanical limbs, but it was still a very delicate process. These prosthetics need regular maintenance and are very complex to simulate fully functioning movement. Making a seamless connection between a machine and a human's nervous system is a task all in itself.
On top of that, Ratio didn’t simply need a regular prosthetic. Eyes were…a rarity. Ocular mechanics were very advanced, but existing technologies were still mostly designed for androids or other Intellitrons. Finding prosthetic eyes that function was difficult, and finding someone capable to perform the surgery needed was even more scarce.
Still, Ratio held out hope that everything would be figured out in due time, he was going to design his own prosthetics after all. Commissioning a company to make them would be easy, and after that all he has to do is find someone who is confident enough to perform the surgery. The entire process would take months, but he had faith in his own work. Not to mention Aventurine was here. If he really needed a little extra smooth talk, he could drag his house guest into a deal.
Sighing, Ratio disconnects from a call. It was just another factory willing to do the work, but the manufacturing quote for custom eyes was suspiciously high. He could just pay them the amount they wanted, he had the funds to do so, however he wasn’t that frivolous with money. Unlike a certain gambler who was currently asleep in the guest room.
It was late, Ratio knew that just from the routine fatigue that was settling into his bones. He should go to sleep, he needs it. Unfortunately his blindness has derailed his typical daily routine. There were many things he likes to do before going to bed, a nice long bath being one of them. The issue with that was he needed assistance, the neuro-prosthetic his arm was using couldn’t get wet, so typically he relies on Aventurine offering to help, albeit somewhat bashfully.
Currently Aventurine was asleep, hours had passed since Ratio heard the faint “goodnight” at his office doorway.
The consequences of having to call companies planets away with different day cycles come in many forms he supposed. Until he can find a way to be more independent, he’ll just have to temporarily adjust for this new lifestyle.
“Duckie, can you tell me the time?”
“ It is two thirteen in the morning. Recommended time for sleep was four hours and thirteen minutes ago. ” The last thing he needs was the robotic voice of his phone scolding him about sleep. Especially when he can’t . Despite his body feeling the effects of exhaustion, Ratio’s mind was very much awake.
He cannot sleep when his mind is restless.
Spending years in labs with varying levels of complicated experiments and projects seems to never get any easier. Even now, though this is more of a personal task, Ratio cannot help but plan his next step, go over every equation– self imposed perfectionism at its finest.
With another tired sigh he gathers his phone and carefully makes his way to his living room, plopping right onto his couch. At least it was quiet. As much as he doesn’t mind Aventurine’s presence, Ratio’s grown used to being alone.
And sometimes his solitude was more relaxing. Well, it used to be.
He just has to ignore that nagging feeling of needing companionship. He can sit here, in silence and practice a vague form of meditation to calm his racing mind. He doesn't need to get up and check on Aventurine to make sure he’s still here. Doing that would confirm that he is absolutely terrified of being alone right now .
Why must he feel so lost and useless in his own home?
It’s almost like being a child all over again.
No.
If he was back in his childhood years his mother would have taken him into her arms and hummed lullabies until he passed out listening to the beat of her heart. She’s no longer here to aid him in his sleepless nights. Not that he has many nowadays, but work is unpredictable and it does happen occasionally. But now Ratio is a grown man, an adult, he can get himself to sleep without his mother’s help. It’s just a matter of how and how long it will take.
Closing his eyes, Ratio leans his head back against the couch, takes a deep breath before slowly exhaling.
Good first step. Now he just needs to keep his breathing even; inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale–
The sound of a door opening interrupts Ratio’s already fragile meditation. He frowns as the click of his living room light sounds, followed by a surprised gasp.
“Ratio?” Aventurine’s voice is light, small even. He hears a sniffle and a shuffle of footsteps inching further into the room. “Sorry…did…did I wake you?”
Frustration quickly subsides to confusion.
“No? I haven’t been able to sleep. I was in a call with another manufacturer until a bit ago.” He pauses, hesitant with his next words. “Are you alright?”
“I’m going to get a drink, do you want anything?”
“No need.”
The sound of footsteps fades as Aventurine makes his way to the kitchen. The sound of the tap comes on and Ratio waits patiently as the blond fills his cup. A moment later the couch dips with the weight of a second person.
Aventurine was close enough for Ratio to feel the warmth of his body without touching. He had sat down far closer to Ratio than he normally would, not that Aventurine ever truly cared about personal space, but up until now he still had always kept a certain distance. Well at least in a metaphorical sense. There’s been plenty of times where the gambler has draped himself over Ratio’s arm or shoulder. Always in a show of flamboyance or more often than not, to be a bothersome distraction.
Every movement is calculated, measured with care and control when it comes to Aventurine. However in this moment, with a faint sniffle coming from the man beside him, Ratio senses a wave of vulnerability.
Slowly, Ratio raises his hand, reaching out to feel for Aventurine’s shoulder, only pausing when he felt the man flinch under his touch. But he persists, carefully easing his fingers further up until he’s met with the soft skin of Aventurine’s cheek. He wasn’t being pushed away, which is a good sign.
He could feel the slight tension of the blond’s jaw tightening, but as he brushed his fingers further up he couldn’t deny the dampness he felt. It confirmed the hypothesis he didn’t dare speak aloud.
“Aventurine–”
“Could you please not call me by that title? At least…not right now.” There’s more shifting from the man beside him, and Ratio realizes his guest has brought his knees to his chest. The shift in weight became more solid as Aventurine curled over himself.
“Did something happen?” Ratio kept his voice low, soft even, in hopes to ease the tension the blond obviously felt. He hears a shaky breath and he swears the warmth gets just a bit closer.
“Just…a nightmare. Nothing serious.”
“I thought those had subsided after working with that Doctor of Chaos?”
The blond laughs, hollow and dismissive.
“I’ve been plagued with nightmares long before visiting the rivers of Nihility. I don’t think any amount of help from one of those doctors can rid me of the memories of my past.”
Oh.
This was different. A slight peek into the mind of one of the most troubled souls of the universe. Ratio falls silent, unable to really provide support with words. He’s long since accepted others' opinions of him being far from endearing in his choice of phrasing. Not that words alone would be of any help. However, his curiosity was abundant, and he wished to learn more. This would be the first time since Penacony they would have spoken about something so sensitive. Prior to that mission, there have been times where Aventurine would vent to Ratio about his troubles. He’s never delved into many details, but Ratio didn’t feel the need to pressure the blonde into speaking about his past. Things like that are best to come naturally, and Ratio undoubtedly had a soft spot for being extra patient with his companion.
Over the years they’ve known each other, Ratio has experienced small glimpses of the hidden desert child still buried beneath a flashy facade. He found these moments to be special, and was fond of them. Even the moments shrouded in pain and regret. For someone like Aventurine to reveal that side of himself, there must be a significant level of trust between them; and for that Ratio will treasure those times just as much as the good.
“Does this happen frequently?”
“Nearly every night. Some days are worse than others. Today is one of those days.” Aventurine pauses, collecting his thoughts before continuing, “Are nightmares supposed to make you relive your darkest times? I thought dreams were supposed to be chaotic and nonsensical, even when they’re bad.”
Ratio doesn’t miss the tinge of desperation in the others' voice. He was quiet, far more soft spoken than his normally chatty, mischievous self. What should he say in this situation? Was this a rhetorical question? Should Ratio actually explain the science of dreams, or should he be offering words of comfort?
Perhaps he should stick with what he knows best, education.
“Well, even in this age of space travel, we’re still not entirely sure how dreams form their visions. Though, nightmares can be tied to one’s hidden anxieties and fears as a way to process trauma. Dreams can be fickle, often leaving much up for interpretation. For you, I believe from my observations of you over the years, your constant inner struggles may be triggering nightmares. Those who have struggled greatly often suffer from them; if you have already lived through your worst fears, there is no need for your subconscious to create scenarios to outdo them…which is why you may be ‘reliving’ such events.”
It wasn’t the best explanation, but Ratio hopes it provides even the slightest insight. The mind is a powerful tool, but it is also very easily damaged. Perhaps this isn’t what his guest needs to hear, but it is what Ratio can offer as knowledge.
“Well, that’s just great. My own mind is against me.” There’s a heavy sigh. “But thanks, Doc. It certainly didn’t ease my nerves, but I appreciate the logical perspective.”
“May I comfort you?” The words spilled from his mouth before he could think of the repercussions.
“What– You want to comfort me?” The blond sounds confused, surprised even by the offer. Ratio couldn’t blame him, he was surprised by his own forwardness. Aventurine is normally the one to initiate any physical contact between them. Sure Ratio allows it, indulges even, but besides a flick on the head or a simple hand on a shoulder he’s never directly initiated anything.
“I well…I am not well versed in words related to emotional comfort, so naturally I should go with another option. Only if you are comfortable with it.”
His guest hums, seemingly amused, the couch shifting his weight as Aventurine moves.
“If it’ll help ease your mind, sure. Have at it, Doc; so you don’t have to look so worried.”
Does he look worried? Ratio certainly is concerned; no one should be suffering with such restless sleep. So if he could soothe this tortured soul for even a moment it would be worth the effort. He must be patient if he wishes to retract the distance that post-Penacony put between them.
Ratio reaches forwards again, his hand settling on a tense shoulder. He moves closer despite the darkness around him, finding the solid form of another human with both hands. Then, with little hesitation, he brings this form to his own body, enveloping the man in a hug. The blond feels so small, so fragile in his arms. He’s used to the radiance that bled through the cracks of despair. The moments where the cunning mask drops and genuine joy takes its place.
This is a different mask falling. Ratio can feel the slight tremble the body in his arms is trying so hard to hold back. Such vulnerability became a privilege. Something that couldn’t even be displayed while alone.
And for that, Ratio’s heart aches with compassion. No amount of empathy will allow him to understand such pain, but will do his damned best to relieve even an inch of it.
He pulls the smaller man closer, wrapping one arm tightly around his waist while letting his other hand comb through soft blond hair.
“You have lived through horrors no human should experience. Yet, you are here, alive and well despite it all. Not everyone can do what you have done; not everyone has the strength , the courage to keep going.” Ratio takes a deep breath, resting his cheek against blond locks. “You are so very strong, so much stronger than anyone I’ve met and grown close to. But even the strong have their moments of weakness. It doesn’t make them a lesser person for it; it never will for it is natural to feel fear. Right now, let this be your moment. You are allowed to have weakness within you, and I will be right here for you to lean on. While I am alive, I will stand by you. You are no longer alone , Kakavasha.”
A hand tightly winds itself into Ratio’s shirt, and he can feel the first wall breaking.
The shell of a broken soul finally cracks and Kakavasha’s body trembles with every shaky breath. His cries are silent but present as tears dampen Ratio’s shoulder.
Ratio wishes he could tend to every wound, heal every scar and shield Kakavasha from the sins of humanity. But that would strip Kakavasha of who he is and what he has become. The scholar knows this weeping man is resilient beyond words. Kakavasha does not need a savior , he needs to be shown and treated with the compassion that he’s deserved his entire life. He needs to be allowed a moment away from ‘Aventurine’ so Kakavasha can slowly put the pieces of his shattered heart back together.
The last time Ratio had held Aventurine like this was when he had finally woken up from the Nihility. It was a sudden response, he’d admit that but Ratio was so overwhelmed with emotion to see that he was alive that he couldn’t help himself. He had gathered Aventurine into his arms, scolded him for his recklessness, he may have cried , but Ratio was so overjoyed to see Aventurine full of life again.
That moment hadn’t lasted long, Aventurine didn’t speak but he was very tense. No doubt still processing the hell he had gone through to wake up again. He had shoved Ratio away after the lecture, then looked at his own hands as if he had committed the most unforgivable sin. Ratio can still remember the guilt on Aventurine’s face, the way his eyes lined with tears that never shed; there was an inner conflict within the Stoneheart. Ironically Ratio was too blinded then to see that storm brewing behind those enchanting eyes.
It hurt to be pushed away. Ratio had thought he’d gotten through to Aventurine with his note. He had hoped that there was just a spark of understanding between them. However, the way Aventurine had curled into himself, and looked away Ratio knew that he was no closer to the man in front of him than he had been at the start of the mission.
Ratio was sure that a piece of his heart broke away at that moment.
“Sorry. I just need time.”
So he gave Aventurine time in hopes that when they met again Ratio could see that beautiful smile again. Every passing day without hearing from the gambler made his heart ache. He had never experienced such longing before. It was terrifying the way he fell into a routine of checking his phone for something, anything related to Aventurine. He liked every post, commented as he normally would, but he never got the usual response back.
Ratio had tried to tell himself it was fine. After all he was the one who bore his heart out in the open for someone who could barely keep themselves together. Frankly if he were in Aventurine’s position he too would need space.
All he could do was wait until he could next see Aventurine.
Though the universe has never been one-sidedly kind. Who would have thought the next time Aventurine would barrel his way into Ratio’s life again, his sight would be taken from him.
Of course it’s temporary, but that wasn’t the point. They have this chance now to work things out, maybe even bond a little more. But now the universe is so dark. Ratio can no longer enjoy the little things he loves to see when he is alone with Aventurine. He misses the way Aventurine chews on his pen while deep in thought, the way his nose scrunches up just a bit when he yawns, and the way the sun makes his blond hair glow as if he were a divine deity.
He misses it all.
Aeons, Ratio misses Aventurine so, so badly .
So he pulls Kakavasha closer, creating a safe haven for the smaller man. They stay like this for who knows how long, too wrapped up in the comforting warmth they’ve created for themselves. Eventually the tears stop, but Kakavasha stays where he is completely wrapped around Ratio’s waist.
“Is this okay?” The question was nothing more than a whisper in the silence.
“If it wasn’t I wouldn’t have offered to console you in the first place.”
Kakavasha seems to relax completely after the confirmation, letting his head rest comfortably against Ratio’s chest. Ratio hopes the rapid beating of his heart isn’t as noticeable as it feels.
“I’m sorry. You’ve helped me so much and all I can do is cause you problems.”
“Nonsense. You are quite troublesome, however I don’t mind since it’s you .”
Kakavasha chuckles, inching just a bit closer.
“Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment? I didn’t think you were such a flatterer, Ratio.”
“It’s hardly a compliment. Also, it cannot be mere flattery if it’s the truth.” Ratio can feel Kakavasha lift his head up, most likely to study his face. If only he could see the blond’s expression he could figure out what was going on in that complex mind of his. Or maybe he must learn to understand the other man without such visual cues . “You should know by now that you are undoubtedly special to me. There has been no one else that I've been as patient with, or have made as many exceptions for.”
It was quiet for a moment, and Ratio worries he may have said too much. Maybe he shouldn’t have been that honest.
However a moment later Kakavasha sighs and places his head back on Ratio’s chest.
“You shouldn’t be giving me that kind of hope , Doc. It’s almost too good to be true.”
This confuses the scholar, though he doesn’t press for an explanation. If he were to say something that crushes this ‘hope’ Kakavasha has, he would feel terrible. He may not understand what the blond meant by it but Ratio does know that such a feeling for Kakavasha is a rarity. Something that precious should be held close, especially for Kakavasha.
“I just wish for you to find happiness within these moments of doubt and fear. Words cannot cure everything, we both know this. I simply would like to be someone you can trust with this vulnerability.”
Again they sit in silence, but this time Kakavasha pulls away and Ratio worries he may have actually said something wrong this time. Was this too soon? Does Kakavasha need more time?
He’s about to apologize when he feels a hand wrap around his own and raise it. Kakavasha brings Ratio’s hand to his face, letting the Doctor’s fingertips splay across his lips.
Ratio’s heart rate speeds up as he holds his breath.
“Do you feel that? My smile?” Kakavasha tilts his head slightly and Ratio can feel the gentle up-curve of his lips. “I am happy . You might not think it’s much, but you do make me happy. There’s no one else that can ease my mind or understand me like you. Ratio, more than anyone else in this universe I trust you the most . So you shouldn't doubt how meaningful your words are to me.”
“Do you really mean that?”
“I have no reason to lie to you of all people, Doc; you should know that.”
Warmth blooms throughout Ratio’s chest, no doubt spreading to his face as well. He can’t bring himself to care though. This revelation , this confirmation , that Ratio has this much influence over Kakavasha makes him realize that yes he had made a positive change to Aventurine’s self worth. Even if it was as small as this moment, it was still more than Ratio ever believed he could have done. Their time apart had worried him, made him think he had driven Aventurine away. Now he’s come to realize they both had thought each other was far from their reach.
“Perhaps I do now.” Ratio shifts his hand to cradle Kakavasha’s face. He can feel the blond lean into the touch and loosely wrap his fingers around Ratio’s wrist. The only thing that would make this moment better would be if Ratio could see. Was Kakavasha still smiling? Most likely, he can feel the muscle of Kakavasha’s cheek flexing to form one. More than anything he wishes to know what expression Kakavasha was giving him. Were his eyes closed, focusing only on the touch of Ratio’s hand? Or were they open, soft and inviting; perhaps even wide and curious?
So many different combinations of expressions filtered through Ratio’s mind. All because he just needs to know what Kakavasha is feeling in this moment. If he could feel the same warmth as Ratio, does that mean they are experiencing the same thoughts?
An emotion too strong to ignore makes its presence known. Something that has been harbored away for so long that its reappearance almost throws Ratio off guard. It probably would have if he wasn’t expecting it. He’s danced around his own thoughts for far too long to not understand what he feels right now.
As much as it excites him, it also equally terrifies him. The layers between Aventurine and Kakavasha are all too delicate. They have only just reconciled after months apart due to the complex conclusion of Penacony. Ratio cannot ruin what they have right now by being too forward. He would love to give in and pour his heart out, but he knows how easily frightened Aventurine can get with closeness. There’s no doubt that Kakavasha would be the same.
Humans are inherently complex, lives driven by personalities shaped by life experiences, combined with the ability to adapt to the best and harshest of times. Some people have greater complexity due to their environment or genetics, but there are the rare few that surpass expectations in this theory.
Ratio finds that Aventurine is far more than the typical maze of human experience, he is a labyrinth of puzzles and twists that cannot even be solved by the man himself. And if one were to finally find the end of Aventurine, there starts the labyrinth of the nearly lost to time Kakavasha.
This one is full of unspeakable horrors and turmoil, broken walls barely put back together but still stand in defiance as a symbol of hope still blazing beneath a shattered will. It would be so easy to break those walls again and force one's way to the end of the maze, however the fragility of Kakavasha makes you tread carefully, slowly as if any sudden movement could break this lost soul.
Ratio is determined to find the end of this twisting path; to uncover every secret he can so he can embrace every part of both Aventurine and Kakavasha as one cannot exist without the other.
Then and only then, could Ratio feel confident enough to make his feelings known without the fear of Aventurine –and by extension Kakavasha– running away again.
Sometimes he wishes he had the confidence to take a risk like that; but unlike the blond in his arms right now, Ratio is not fond of gambling with high stakes.
Patience is a virtue he is more familiar with. Something he can tangibly hold onto while he finds the right time and place.
Kakavasha pulls away again with a yawn, and this time Ratio doesn’t hold any fear. Although, he already misses the warmth that came with their closeness.
“I really shouldn’t be keeping you up. I feel better now, maybe even enough to go back to sleep. So thank you again, Ratio.”
“No need to thank me. I will most likely still be here if you cannot sleep, so you’re welcome to join me again if that happens.”
“Are…are you not going to bed?”
“I am tired, but it seems like the change in my routine is causing my insomnia to resurface.” There were only a few times after graduating with his eighth phD that Ratio missed his routine. It took years, but he had finally figured out something that helped quiet his mind and body enough to sleep naturally. He isn’t against medication, but he does prefer a natural way to rest. This routine was so ingrained into his system that it became practically a part of him. He supposes it was inevitable that such a disruption to a defined way of living would invoke an undesirable outcome.
“Now see, I can’t go to sleep peacefully knowing you’re unable to. That’s just unfair.”
Ratio just chuckles, waving his hand in dismissal.
“It’s quite alright. I already guessed this may happen, so it's not like I was blindsided by this. I’ll figure something out within the next few days.”
He hears Kakavasha sigh and get up from the couch.
“Is there really nothing you can do? Anything that has helped in the past?” Kakavasha’s concern was a bit surprising. Not that Ratio thought the other man wouldn’t care, but to ask about it was more than he expected.
Still, Ratio’s mind wandered to his childhood and his mother holding him until he fell asleep. He couldn’t possibly ask Kakavasha to do something like that.
Even if that meant Ratio could keep the blond close again.
Heat blooms on his face, causing his cheeks to burn. He can’t possibly keep thinking so selfishly like this.
“Yes, however it’s not something I could ask you to help with. It’s better to be left alone until I can readjust my schedule.” He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, and turns his head to hide his visible embarrassment. Kakavasha audibly huffs, and Ratio can assume he’s no doubt pouting about this answer.
“Come on; you just let me cling onto you and cry. The least I can do is help where I can.” There’s a pause, and the next words come out a little softer, “That’s why I’m here, you know? To help you.”
This damned gambler makes things so difficult . Why must he sound so sad?
“I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just…well–” Ratio sighs, bringing a hand up to cover his face. “It’s something my mother used to do when I was a child; it worked every time. Despite that, it has been a very long time since then and I have no idea if it will work still. Not to mention I don’t want you to be uncomfortable trying to fill that role.”
“In other words, you’re just embarrassed about it.” Ratio can almost hear the smug smile in those words. “At least tell me what it is. You never know if I can help If you don’t try.”
“You will not leave me alone until I do, correct?”
“Ten points to you, Doctor! You know me well.”
May Nous save his sanity if this goes wrong.
“Do not laugh , mind you I was a child back then then.” The warning was clear, but Ratio still narrows his eyes as he hears a mocking gasp beside him.
“I would never. You wound me, thinking I’d be so cruel to mock a child’s comfort.”
The issue is you mocking me as an adult , not a child.
“Just–” Ratio groans, slumping back into the couch slightly. “It’s rather simple, really. On days I really struggled to sleep, she would let me lay with her. She’d hum some lullabies I can’t even recall the name of, though that wasn’t what made me fall asleep. She always kept me close, letting me rest my head on her chest so I could listen to her heartbeat. Knowing that she was there, alive with life beating throughout her body…that’s what let me sleep peacefully.”
There was a moment of silence as the gears turned in Kakavasha’s head. Once the dots were connected there was a light, amused chuckle.
“Is this some shy ploy to get me to sleep with you, Ratio?”
Heat blooms across Ratio’s face again , and he turns away from mischievous eyes he can’t even see . Why can’t he just have a normal conversation with this man?
“ What – Not at all. Why would you even think of such a thing?” He sighs, rubbing his eyes in defeat. “Just…forget about it. You need your rest as well; there is no need for you to do something you do not wish to participate in.”
“Who said I was opposed to the idea?” A hand fell on Ratio's shoulder, causing him to flinch. Oh the cruel fate of the universe to turn him skittish now of all times. “How about we make this a game? I bet you’ll be perfectly rested with my assistance. What do you say, Doc? What’s your wager on this?”
“I am not going to entertain your games, gambler.”
“Fine, I’ll go first. If I’m right, which I’m confident I am, then you’ll have to let me stay with you every night.”
Ratio tenses at that offer; why would Kakavasha casually offer something so…personal and intimate? As if the signs weren’t right there the whole time, Ratio . The weight on his shoulder disappears and is replaced by a slender hand pulling him up from the couch.
“Are you sure about this?” He sure isn’t.
“Absolutely not!” How can one be confident, yet unsure? This is baffling inconsistency only a gambler could impose, he supposes. “However, what’s life without risk? Come on, Doc. Let’s get you to bed.” Kakavasha pulled Ratio along, guiding him through the living room to his bedroom.
On one hand, this was a great opportunity to test if his childhood remedy still worked; on the other, this would be with a person he has such deep feelings for and Ratio doesn't know if his heart can handle it. If he ended up getting too comfortable with this arrangement it could be detrimental to both his sleep and relationship with Kakavasha. A relationship that is already far too intertwined, yet fragile. He would not be able to bear the thought that this could inevitably make Kakavasha uncomfortable, even if it did help Ratio in the end.
Although, one must take risks to progress.
“You will run with me.” The bedroom door opens, but his diligent guide stops in his place instead of walking into the room.
“What?”
“My wager. You’ll run with me. I have a second treadmill as you know. It would do you some good to get exercise while you stay here.” There was a groan, and Ratio can almost feel the eye roll that came along with it as they finally make their way into the room.
“Is helping you down the stairs not enough? I have to workout with you too?”
“Perhaps it’ll give you something to do other than stare at me.”
“I am not staring.”
“I’m blind, not an idiot Kakavasha. You’ve hardly been subtle with your staring for years now. If you think I don’t know where your eyes land during our conference meetings, you’re sadly mistaken.”
“Ah…well, in that case, guilty as charged.” He does not sound guilty at all.
Ratio sighs as they reach his bed, this can be a conversation for another time. Right now, he just wishes for any semblance of sleep. He climbs into bed, pulling the covers over himself as he lays on his pillow. It's a habit by now to go through this routine, and even though he knew of the plan, it still startles him when his bed dips under Kakavasha’s weight.
Right, he’s supposed to be accepting help from the other man. A little embarrassed, the scholar sits back up while ignoring the light chuckle next to him.
“Alright Doc, use me as you wish.” There’s a sly tone in those words; one that can only be described as teetering close to provocative.
“Why must you phrase it like that?” He shakes his head, and slowly lowers himself again, following the pull of warmth until he is rested against Kakavasha’s chest. His arms lay stiffly at his sides, unsure of where he should put them. It was mildly uncomfortable but nothing he couldn’t get used to.
This arrangement was…nice. Of course many thoughts were going through Ratio’s mind; especially those of how he was supposed to sleep when he was so damn close to this gambler that plagues his mind at every given moment of the day . If the rapid beating of Kakavasha's heart against his ear was anything to tell by, it seems as though Ratio was not alone in being nervous. Still, the comfort of being so close to another living being does wonders for easing his overworking mind.
“You’re stiff as a board, Ratio. This is supposed to help you relax. No need to hold back, get as comfortable as you need to be.” Despite the confidence in words, Kakavasha’s heart was still frantically beating. It’s cute, and it made Ratio smile.
Perhaps he was just overthinking things. If he were still a child…well what would he do?
“In that case, voice any concerns you have if you are uncomfortable.”
Ratio exhales all his tension, pulls himself closer to Kakavasha and wraps his arm around the blond’s waist. Amusingly, it’s as if the tension faded from Ratio and transferred over to Kakavasha. It didn’t last long as Kakavasha sighs and forces the rigidness of his body away too. Not soon after, the blanket is pulled up around their bodies and a hand finds its way into Ratio’s hair. Melting against the warm body beneath him, Ratio slowly drifts off to a much needed sleep.
~*~
The comfort of sweet dreams and companionship only lasts so long though, as Ratio wakes some time later. As his eyes open to inevitable darkness, he finds himself on his back nestled into his pillow. At first he believes that Aventurine may have left in the night –not that he expects the blond to stay– however there was movement to his side followed by a sleepy mumble. Ratio’s heart rate picks up and he turns to his side. Though he cannot see, he can still feel the presence of another person in front of him. Reaching out until his hand finds Aventurine’s shoulder, he waits a moment before following up the slope of the other's neck and threading through the loose strands of hair at his nape.
There’s warmth against Ratio’s hand and he can feel the steady beat of Aventurine’s heart against his palm. What time is it right now? Is it still dark, or has the sun begun to rise? What he wouldn’t give to see the gentle moonlight cascading across Aventurine’s soft features. Or even the golden sun rays illuminating his blond hair making him even more ethereal. It would be a beauty that only Ratio himself could witness. It’s unfortunate that his world is dark; Aventurine is someone who needs to be worshipped for every part of his being. Though, this gives Ratio the chance to experience Aventurine in a new way.
Every calm breath exhaled proves how safe he feels. Smooth, soft skin beneath Ratio’s fingertips sparks a nervous tingle up his arm. This feels too intimate, selfish even. Ratio withdraws his hand, leaving the warmth in front of him.
He wonders if Aventurine sleeps this peacefully often. Most likely not. Perhaps his reckless soul also seeks the comfort of another. Or maybe Ratio is looking too far into it. This was just a mutual arrangement for tonight.
“If I’m right, which I’m confident I am, then you’ll have to let me stay with you every night.”
No. This wasn’t just for tonight. Ratio has already lost that bet. Chuckling at the realization Ratio reaches back out. This time he carefully wrapped his arm around Aventurine’s waist and pulled him closer. Aventurine stirred in his sleep but thankfully didn’t wake. Relaxing into this new position, Ratio buried his face into the mess of blond hair and smiled.
This damned gambler.
When he woke for the second time, Ratio huffs as he can feel the sun on his skin this time. He ignored it, not even bothering to open his eyes –not that it mattered– and further pulled the warmth in his arms closer. Said warmth chuckled, shifting in Ratio’s hold allowing the scholar to remember the exact position he was in. Embarrassed, Ratio opens his eyes and rubs the sleep from them.
“Well good morning to you too, Doc.” Ratio could feel the amused smugness in Aventurine’s voice. “Who would have thought you’re such a cuddler.”
“Shut up. You allowed this to happen.”
“Hmm. Sure, sure. As long as you were able to sleep it doesn’t matter.” A pause. “Unless you didn’t?” The question held a hint of doubt. That didn’t settle right with Ratio.
“I did. Thank you. You really did help quite a bit.” Tension disappeared from where Ratio’s arm is still draped across Aventurine’s back. Aventurine hums his approval, settling his chin down on the scholar's chest. It took a lot of willpower to not pull the blond closer; Ratio is not as brave when Aventurine is awake. “Were you able to rest well?”
“Probably the best I’ve slept in years.” Something about that made Ratio’s heart pick up and filled him with a sense of earned pride. It only grew as Aventurine committed to nuzzling into his neck. Ratio soaked in the attention, enveloping the smaller man in his arms again. Since when did they advance to this level of affection? Surely there were a few steps skipped, or maybe Ratio's unfortunate situation was all they needed to cross the line. A necessary push that allows Ratio to indulge drinking in the scent of Aventurine’s expensive shampoo this otherwise ordinary morning. Aventurine chuckles, pushing himself up enough to break the scholar’s mild trance. “I would love to stay here longer, however I’ve been needing to use the bathroom for the past hour. Every time I tried to sneak away you would just pull me back while you slept. You’re quite clingy, Doc.”
Unfolding his arms, Ratio frowns. He’s not clingy. At least he doesn’t think he is; it’s not like he’s ever shared a bed with another person before. He’d rather curl up in isolation to admit there's a chance that gambler is right.
“Apologies; you should have said something sooner.” Aventurine was released from his arm prison and he laughs it off as he makes his way to Ratio’s en-suite bathroom.
Now that he is alone Ratio realizes he’s still quite tired. He does feel rested, but the mental exhaustion of juggling his new lack of sight and greedy manufacturers is still weighing on him. The thought of going through another list of possible factories to produce the very specific material he needs already has him reeling in disdain. Perhaps he should ask Aventurine for advice on how to strike a fair deal with these people. Frankly, Ratio wishes to get through this as quickly as possible and has uncharacteristically debated if it was worth just accepting a sketchy deal to get it over with.
He groans, rolling to his side and pulling the covers back over his head. Would it be socially acceptable to just stay in bed all day instead? No sleazy businessmen trying to take every penny Ratio owns; nor would he need to worry about running into his own walls again. Not to mention already burdening poor Aventurine with simple day to day tasks is well… unfair .
The Stoneheart should still be resting and recovering himself, not taking care of Ratio’s pathetically lesser situation. The effects of Nihility are far more volatile than simple blindness. Though…he has to admit, the closeness they have shared over the past few days was nice. More than nice. It’s something Ratio didn’t realize he craved until it happened. With a huff, he uncovers his head, suddenly becoming a little too hot under the blanket.
The bathroom door opens, and Ratio hears Aventurine pad back over to the bed.
“Oh come on. It’s almost noon, Ratio, what are you doing all bundled up again?” Despite the teasing, the scholar made no attempt to move. He was perfectly fine moping in his bed all day thank you very much. “I’ve heard you’re not a morning person, but Aeons this is– hey! ”
Without much of a warning, Ratio unraveled himself just enough to grab for Aventurine and pull him back into bed. He lands on Ratio’s chest with a yelp and is quickly wrapped up in strong arms. Ratio was expecting a weak attempt of protest, however Aventurine wiggled in his grasp until he freed himself and sat up on top of Ratio’s lap instead. A flick to his forehead for good measure.
“Okay you big lug. You need to at least eat something. All those lectures you made me sit through about a proper diet and here you are rolling around in bed.” Thin fingers curl around Ratio’s shirt collar and he’s unceremoniously pulled up by his nagging companion. Pouting, Ratio crosses his arms. “Seriously, what is your problem?”
Maybe I’m already tired of being blind and my patience is wearing thin finding a suitable manufacturer. Not to mention I’m burdening the only person I have any personal attachment to.
Of course Ratio can’t say something like that outloud . Knowing Aventurine he’d go out of his way to spend hundreds of thousands of credits in an instant to help out. That’s not something Ratio wishes to have on his consciousness. So he settles for something simpler. Or so he tries .
“The only thing I wish to do is stay with you.” He doesn’t get a reply. Instead silence fills the room, and Ratio can feel Aventurine’s eyes burning holes in his skull. It then dawns on him how oddly intimate his statement must have sounded. With his cheeks now burning red, Ratio tries to backtrack. “What I mean is, your presence is very comforting. Holding you is… nice . It’s been a grounding interaction while my mind is failing to adapt to the blindness.”
None of that was any better ; in fact Ratio might as well stick his foot in his mouth. Why is it that when it comes to matters of the heart Ratio loses all his rationality? This gambler's enigmatic personality has rubbed off on him. That’s the only reason. It has to be.
Aventurine’s fingers fidget with the collar of Ratio’s sleep shirt. He’s still quiet, most likely processing all the blubbering Ratio supplied him with. Then, he sighs and his forehead lightly connects with Ratio’s. They're close enough to be breathing in the same air while their noses are just a hair's length apart.
“You…do you even know what you do to me, Doc?” Aventurine’s laugh is breathless, but the sound makes the poor doctor’s heart flutter. “Saying things like that may give me the wrong idea. Making me think I’m important. Shame on you for toying with this lonely soul's heart.”
“You are important.” Ratio’s hand ghosts its way up Aventurine’s thigh before finding its place on his hip. “I would never jest about something like that.”
“I can’t believe this.” Another terribly beautiful laugh. The hands playing with Ratio’s collar stop, instead they laid firm on his shoulders now. “Veritas…Veritas, please , stop me.”
Ratio’s brows furrowed in confusion, unsure of what Aventurine was alluding to. He barely is capable of parting his lips to ask when he gets his answer. The small distance between them disappeared leaving Ratio to process the feeling of soft lips against his own. Shocked didn’t even begin to describe how the doctor felt at that moment.
This is what Aventurine wanted him to stop? The thing that Ratio has been desiring for who knows how long now? He couldn’t even if he wanted to; he was too stunlocked to kiss Aventurine back.
That was until Aventurine suddenly pulled away. The blond mumbles something in a language Ratio doesn't know, but the tone is clear. Aventurine is too far away for someone who just kissed a man stupid. Too tense as thin fingers clutch onto Ratio’s shirt like a lifeline.
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that.” His voice is trembling with every word. Time finally catches up with Ratio’s brain and it hits him that Aventurine is trying to leave. Stopping him was easy. Ratio wraps an arm around Aventurine’s waist and pulls back while his free hand finds its way into blond hair. There’s no way for him to tell what Aventurine is thinking, he can’t read his expression like he usually does. However, the scholar takes note of the hitched breath, the slight tremble raking through the blond’s body, and the shaky fingers still clinging to his shirt as he awkwardly closes the distance between them again.
There was no grace in the way their lips met this time. Ratio was barely able to land on Aventurine’s upper lip after their noses bumped into each other. Thankfully for him, Aventurine had a much quicker recovery from shock than he did and adjusted their angle until it was perfect.
The moment their lips slot together, Ratio knows he’s done for. It’s slow, purposeful and lacking the urgency the doctor expected from his wryly companion. His senses fill with nothing but Aventurine and the way the blond melts into him. Silky hair threads through the spaces between Ratio’s fingers as he moves to cradle Aventurine’s cheek instead. He can feel the rising heat of blush against his palm and it makes Ratio’s mind a little hazy to know that Aventurine is affected in such a way.
Aventurine presses closer, looping his arms around Ratio’s neck and burying his fingers in already messy indigo hair. Ratio’s sure his brain actually stops working as soon as nails lightly scratch his scalp. Everything is near overwhelming but so, so addicting.
It was slow and soft yet filled with an intensity that Ratio thought only lovers who spent years together could display.
A shy, barely noticeable flick of a tongue glides across Ratio’s bottom lip. He almost misses the action, but easily parts his lips more. Aventurine sighs into the kiss, happily taking the opportunity to lick into Ratio’s mouth. As soon as their tongue’s meet it sends sparks throughout the scholar’s body. It catches him off guard with how good this feels; how right it feels. Ratio has everything he could want in this moment; Aventurine is willingly in his lap, keeping a languid pace of exploring every inch of his mouth.
When they eventually part to breathe, Ratio desperately chases for Aventurine’s lips again. Except he’s held back when the blond’s arms unravel from around his neck.
“You– You were supposed to push me away.” There was nothing but disbelief in Aventurine’s words. Did he really expect Ratio to not reciprocate? “I don’t get it. Why? Why would you…”
The words trail off as Ratio buries his face in Aventurine’s neck, using his lips to map out smooth skin until he reaches the ragged edges of that haunting brand. Aventurine tenses and starts to pull away, but Ratio keeps him in place. Pressing a gentle kiss against the brand, a faint, shuddered “ oh ” was heard right before Aventurine deflated back into Ratio’s arms.
There is nothing that would derail the doctor from the man in his arms. He’s watched this crazed gambler grow over the years, learned most of his habits, fell for his genuine smile and pure soul. So even as Aventurine trembles in his arms, shaking his head in denial, Ratio holds him close. No tears, no words. Just a cloud of doubt and anxiety that Ratio sits through, soothing the other until the shaking stops. Neither of them move right away when things calm down, taking a moment to embrace the reality of what just happened.
They don’t talk about it as the afternoon sun breaks through the curtains and they finally leave the bedroom to eat. It’ll take time, Ratio knows this, and he’s willing to wait.
You asked why? It’s because I adore you endlessly. Everything that you were, are, and will be…I wish to be there for you. To be next to you through it all. If it takes until the end of time for you to accept me, then so be it. I’ll wait for you. I will always wait for you.