Chapter Text
"I don't get it," Elyan says, as the boat carries them back to shore. "We're just letting her go?"
"That's exactly what we're doing," Arthur says.
The knights all look at each other with shared confusion. Then they look at Merlin.
"I don't understand it either," Merlin says, shrugging. "Arthur, did you go mad while I was unconscious?"
"Sometimes it felt like it," Arthur admits. "For instance, I found out that my manservant has been lying to me for years and is secretly a powerful sorcerer."
Merlin pales and grips the side of the boat as if he might faint and fall out. Arthur grabs his arm, worried that he will faint and fall out.
"Easy, easy," he says, as Merlin hyperventilates. "I'm not mad at you. Well, actually, I'm furious, but of the many ways I'm going to punish you, none of them involve pyres or exile."
"What about hanging?" Merlin says, faintly.
"There will be no forms of capital punishment," Arthur promises.
"That's good," Merlin says, but he doesn't look very reassured. He's almost as pale as he was when he was lying on the stone plinth, and if they were on solid ground he probably would have already made a run for it.
"What do you remember?" Arthur prompts, trying to stop Merlin from slipping into shock.
"Um. We went to the caves. Morgana found me, knocked me out. Then I was in her hovel, and then she was taking me somewhere. And then I woke up here. Am I here?" Merlin looks at them uncertainly.
"Yeah, you're here," Gwaine says, slapping him on the leg.
"Aithusa!" Merlin says suddenly, and starts to panic.
"It's okay," Arthur says, wishing he had some rope so he could tie Merlin to his seat because he doesn't fancy fishing him out of the water. "Aithusa wanted to stay, remember? To help Morgana?"
Merlin isn't entirely back with them yet. Arthur had pointed this out to Morgana, and she had shrugged and said he would be fine in a few days, but she was willing to make him hurt for longer if he was offering. Arthur decided that it would be best if he keeps the two of them far away from each other for the time being. Far, far away.
"Oh. Right," Merlin says, and shivers, rubs at his arms.
"It's just for a few weeks," Arthur reminds him. "Then she's staying with us. You are her Dragonlord."
Merlin pales even further at that, and he looks like he might be sick or faint or both at once. Arthur leans him forward with his head between his knees and rubs circles on his back to soothe him. The knights smirk behind their hands, and Arthur silently dares them to say anything.
It's dark by the time they reach the shore and Merlin is in no condition to ride, so they set up camp a little way into the woods. Arthur helps Merlin into his jacket and Merlin squints at it as Percival starts a fire.
"What happened to my jacket?" Merlin asks, peering at the scratches and brushing off fragments of dried herbs and leaf litter.
"You have a very possessive dragon," Gwaine says, and brushes more bits of leaf and herb from the back of the jacket.
Arthur wraps a blanket around Merlin, and then another because Merlin still looks like a slight breeze will topple him. Being tortured, poisoned, and ensorcelled for eight days took quite a lot out of him. Arthur probably could have better handled telling Merlin that he knows about every one of his secrets. He couldn't resist getting some of his own back, but the shock was a bit too much for Merlin on top of everything else.
When Merlin had been abducted, Agravaine had been Arthur's most trusted advisor, Gaius was in mortal danger, Morgana was the enemy, and Arthur wanted absolutely nothing to do with magic. If all the changes were a lot for Arthur to deal with, they're even harder for Merlin to wake up to all at once.
He also hasn't eaten in eight days, or had anything to drink that didn't have hemlock in it. It's amazing that he can even walk and that's probably only due to his magic and however it's kept him alive all this time. They make a thin broth for him to drink and Merlin works his way through it in little sips, then practically collapses into sleep, the empty bowl tumbling from his hands as his head thumps softly against the tree he's propped up on. Arthur tuts over him, and he and Percival pick Merlin up and bundle him up by the fire for the night.
"Think he'll be all right?" Gwaine asks, as he feeds more wood into the flames.
"Yes," Arthur says, carding his hand idly through Merlin's hair. He doesn't just think it, he knows it, and touches over his heart, wondering about the golden cord. About destiny. The Great Dragon had said something about destiny as well. And hadn't Merlin once blithered on to him about destiny? They had been preparing to fight Cenred, and Merlin had said something about Arthur being the greatest king Camelot has ever known. "Gaius said that he's the greatest sorcerer to ever walk the earth."
"Greatest sorcerer ever?" Gwaine says, eyebrows raised. "Sneaky little bastard."
Arthur hums in agreement. "Don't think that means anything to me," he tells Merlin. "You're still an idiot." Merlin sleeps on obliviously, entirely failing to rise to his bait.
§
"Stop being so jumpy," Arthur chides, because he's getting tired of Merlin being so wide-eyed and twitchy.
"Sorry," Merlin says, again.
"And stop apologizing," Arthur complains. "I'm starting to think I should have let Morgana knock you out again. At least until I could leave you with Gaius. Let him deal with you."
Merlin flinches, but he manages not to apologize again. Arthur rolls his eyes and continues readying his horse.
"You want to ride with one of us, Merlin?" Gwaine asks, his tone friendly as he gives Arthur a sideways look.
Merlin looks at Gwaine, then looks at Arthur, and he seems to go through a good half-dozen emotions in the space of a few seconds. "Thanks, but I'll ride with Arthur." And then he looks uncertain. "I mean, um."
Arthur gives him a look that says 'of course you're riding with me, idiot,' and Merlin looks back with 'I'm very relieved and also embarrassed and don't know if you trust me anymore but I want to prove myself to you.' It's amazing that they need to bother with actual conversations, really.
Then again, not talking to each other properly is part of what got them into this mess to begin with. That's another thing that's going to change once they're back. The list is getting rather long.
"Come on, you're in front," Arthur says, patting the saddle.
"I can ride in back," Merlin insists.
"You're barely able to walk," Arthur reminds him. "The last thing you need is a tumble from a horse. Your head is addled enough as it is."
Merlin grumbles, but once they're settled and on their way, Arthur feels Merlin relax against him. Arthur has his arms around Merlin's waist, one hand on the reins, and Merlin rests his own hands on Arthur's forearms. Merlin fits easily against him, the horses move along at an ambling gait, and Arthur finally feels like he can breathe again.
He has so many challenges ahead of him. His kingdom is a jumble of pieces that don't entirely fit together, but he's determined to bring them together. He never expected it to be easy to be king, and he wouldn't want it to be. It would be terribly dull.
Merlin has often displayed a talent for sleeping in odd places, so it's not a surprise when he manages to doze off in Arthur's arms. Arthur settles Merlin's head against his shoulder and tightens his grip, and lets Merlin sleep for an hour before they stop for lunch. For a moment Arthur is worried that they'll have to go through telling him everything again, but Merlin rubs his face and gives Arthur a muzzy smile.
They give Merlin more broth, and pieces of bread and cheese for him to nibble on, and between that and the nap Merlin looks a bit more like himself again. The knights are visibly relieved, Gwaine especially.
"We should go through the mountain pass," Leon says. "It's only an extra day's ride, and there's no point in risking the wilddeoren again."
"Agreed," Arthur nods.
"Fine by me," Gwaine agrees, looking particularly glad. "Those berries stink something awful, right Merlin?"
"Yeah," Merlin says, and scrunches up his nose. "They're really bad."
"The pass is pretty bare. We'll need additional supplies," Elyan says, scanning the forest for potential game.
"I'll help," Percival says, and Leon rises to join them, and the three of them set out for a short hunt.
Merlin stares after them, his lip pulled between his teeth.
"Give 'em time," Gwaine tells him. "It's been a shock for them too."
Merlin looks to Gwaine, his eyes large and apologetic. Arthur decides that Aithusa definitely picked that up from Merlin. He misses the little dragon already, but she had been very clear about wanting to stay with Morgana for a while. Arthur supposes it makes as much sense as anything does anymore. Besides, if anyone will be a good influence on Morgana, it'll be Aithusa. She could melt the hardest of hearts.
"What about you?" Merlin asks.
"Of course it's been a shock for me," Gwaine says, slapping Merlin on the arm. "You scared the life out of me, you know that? Not the magic thing," he chides, as Merlin starts looking guilty again. "If you think I'm letting you go off on your own again, you are sorely mistaken."
"I can take care of myself," Merlin pouts.
"Oh, yeah, you've done a bang-up job," Gwaine says, unimpressed. "Arthur says you're supposed to be some kind of all-powerful sorcerer."
Merlin looks askance at Arthur, and swallows nervously. "Something like that."
"So let's see some magic, then."
"Gwaine," Arthur warns.
Gwaine ignores him. "C'mon, show me your big secret."
"He's still exhausted," Arthur says.
"No, it's alright," Merlin interrupts, clearly eager to stop them from arguing about him. "I can do something small."
Arthur hasn't seen Merlin do any magic either, or at least not where he could see it and know it was happening. It's one thing to guess about the many times in his life magic was done right under his nose and behind his back. It's quite another to ask for magic intentionally. From Merlin's anxious expression, it's clear that this is strange for him as well, and that he knows the weight this moment carries. The last time Merlin did magic in front of Arthur he was disguised as Dragoon, and Morgana's charm sabotaged his healing spell. It was hardly an auspicious beginning.
Arthur gives Merlin a reassuring smile that says 'I trust you' and 'you don't have to be afraid' and 'I'm nervous, too.' Merlin looks back gratefully.
Merlin straightens up and fixes his eyes on a stick lying on the ground. His eyes glow and the stick rises and floats before them. "Forbærne," Merlin whispers, and the end of the stick bursts into flame and then subsides to embers. "Upastige draca!" he says, louder this time, and the embers fly from the burnt stick and take shape together.
"Aithusa," Arthur murmurs, smiling as he recognizes her outline.
"Okay, that's pretty amazing," Gwaine admits.
The gold fades from Merlin's eyes, and the embers snuff out, the stick falls. Merlin slumps back, worn out from the display.
"Sorry," Merlin mutters. "Everything's still..." He waves his hand as if explaining something, then gives up in frustration.
"Give yourself some time," Arthur says, gently. "You've been through a lot."
"I hate this," Merlin says, frustration edging his voice. "What if she hurts Aithusa? What if--"
"I have to trust Morgana," Arthur says, hoping Merlin will understand. "It's just like you said. Compassion and mercy are what Camelot needs, not bloodshed."
Merlin gives a weak smile. "So you do listen to me sometimes."
"Sometimes," Arthur agrees. "Aithusa will be fine. She'll be back before you know it."
Merlin looks like he's trying desperately to believe him, but he's still afraid. Arthur scoots closer to him and wraps his arm around Merlin, tugs him to lean against him. Gwaine gives a flicker of surprise, and Arthur gives a little gesture with his head.
"I'm going to stretch my legs," Gwaine says. "See if I can find some fresh water."
Once Gwaine is gone, Merlin sighs and slumps against Arthur, no longer hiding his weariness.
"Does it still hurt?" Arthur asks, quietly.
"Yeah," Merlin admits. "It's better but..." He takes a ragged breath. "I'm fairly sure I should be dead right now."
"Like when you threw yourself into the Dorocha?"
Merlin ducks his head. "I'm not trying to make a habit of it, Arthur."
"Well, stop it, then," Arthur says. "Apparently we have a destiny together. How am I going to fulfill it if you're dead?"
Merlin sits up and stares at him, truly shocked. "How did you--"
"Morgana. The Great Dragon." Merlin's eyes grow even wider. "Even Gaius knows about it. Everyone but me."
Merlin has the grace to look ashamed. "I wanted to tell you. You don't know how many times..."
"I know," Arthur says, because he does. He does understand, but it still hurts that Merlin didn't trust him. "I forgive you, alright? But I'm still going to be angry for a while."
Merlin nods, his face a mixture of guilt and relief, and tears are welling in his eyes. "Arthur," he says, meaningfully.
If Merlin had looked at him this way just over a week ago, Arthur would have ruffled his hair or shoved him or tossed some empty insult at him. He would have seen the love and need in Merlin's eyes and pushed it aside, provided a distraction because he didn't want to face it. But he wants to face it now. He reaches up and cups Merlin's cheek, his thumb brushing gently over his cheekbone, and Merlin closes his eyes, leans so lightly against his hand, as if unable to trust that it will still be there if he relies on it.
"I'm here," Arthur whispers. "You're safe now."
The tears spill from Merlin's eyes, silent but plentiful. Merlin swallows a whimper, and Arthur pulls him into his arms and holds him tight as the sobs break from his chest, deep and wretched. It's not just about Morgana capturing him and hurting him, not just about fear and exhaustion, not just about the terror of being known. It's everything, all the years of pain he's had to swallow down because he couldn't let anyone see it. Arthur's heart hurts for him, that there is so much pain.
Merlin cries himself empty, and by the end he's simply done. When the others return, Gwaine with full waterskins and the others with a brace of rabbits, Merlin is curled up asleep with his head on Arthur's lap. Arthur presses his finger to his lips so they won't wake him.
There's no hurry for them to get back, so they let Merlin rest as the rabbits roast. Merlin sleeps all through the afternoon and evening, the only sign of life his steady and even breathing under the blankets.
It's still dark when Arthur wakes, and he's confused for a moment until he sees Merlin beside him, eyes glittering in the darkness.
"Hey," Arthur says, softly. "Feeling better?"
Merlin nods, and he pushes back his blankets but doesn't move. He seems to be full of things he doesn't know how to say, or things he's too afraid to voice. He glances up at Percival, who is sitting a little way from the fire, looking out into the trees. Then he looks back at Arthur, and licks his lips, ducks his head and looks up at Arthur through his lashes.
Oh, Arthur thinks, and Yes. And before Merlin can work up the courage, before he can make the first move, Arthur takes it for himself. He slides silently across the narrow distance between them and captures Merlin's lips with his own. Merlin gives a tiny squeak of surprise, a sharp breath of joy, and kisses back like his life depends on it.
"Arthur," Merlin whispers, ragged with longing.
Arthur breaks the kiss, holding Merlin back with a hand against his chest. Merlin looks like he physically hurts to not be kissing Arthur right now, but Arthur shakes his head, smiles. "When we're home," he whispers.
Merlin presses his face against the bedroll and groans softly. Arthur sympathizes, but he knows that once they start, they might not be able to stop, and he's not keen on the idea of putting on a show for his knights, however much he trusts them.
Arthur reaches across and takes Merlin's hand, holds it tightly. "Go back to sleep," Arthur tells him.
"Can't," Merlin says, voice muffled by the bedroll.
Arthur snorts lightly. "We have a lot of riding ahead of us. Sleep." He squeezes Merlin's hand, and Merlin squeezes back. Merlin sighs and pulls the blankets back over himself, shifts so he's lying on his side facing Arthur. Arthur matches him and keeps holding his hand.
Arthur doesn't know what they're going to do once they're home. They'll have to keep things quiet at first, because it will be enough of a challenge to get the court and the people to accept both the Old Religion and the greatest sorcerer ever to have lived. Nothing about this is exactly rife with precedent. But Arthur doesn't want them to have to hide. He is done with secrets, and he wants Merlin to be by his side for the rest of his life. He wants to rule Camelot with his heart, all of it and not just what is deemed suitably appropriate.
It will be hard work, building the kingdom they are destined for. But they'll get there. They'll get there.
§
"If I had the gift of prophecy
And all knowledge
And the faith to move the mountains
Even if I understood all of the mysteries
If I didn't have love
I'd be nothing"
- Joni Mitchell