Chapter Text
Carson tugs open the door to the diner, hurrying inside.
“You’re late,” Jess calls, as if Carson wasn’t already aware of that.
“The bus was late this morning,” Carson explains, putting her apron on.
“Your husband oughta buy you a car. You seem like a… Mini Cooper typa girl.”
“…Thank you?” Carson isn’t quite sure if that’s a compliment or not— she’s not really into cars.
“And you,” she hears Jess say. She looks up to see Lupe walking in, unhurried. “Late again. You are just inches from being fired, you know that?”
Lupe looks up from her phone, eyebrow raised, unimpressed.
“Oh yeah? Then fire me.”
“Maybe I will.”
“Okay. Then do.”
Carson rolls her eyes. The two of them are always bickering, it’s like their thing. Jess would never fire Lu though. Carson doesn’t even think Jess has that authority.
Eventually, Jess scoffs and stomps back into the kitchen.
“How was the doctor?” Max asks, placing the condiments back onto each table while Shirley refills them.
“It was fine.”
“Did you like her?” Shirley asks eagerly.
“She was nice. Professional. Married, I think. She had a ring on.”
“Well I’m glad you like her,” Max replies.
Max and Shirley pull out a chair at one of the tables and turn to Carson, a weird look on their faces.
“Is this an intervention?” she asks.
Shirley looks horrified, “What? No! Just— sit down! We have something for you.”
Carson eyes the three of them warily, but relents, sitting in the chair.
“A present!” Max says, placing a bag onto the table.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have,” Carson says, taking the gift out of the bag. It’s a book. She reads the title out loud “What A Mama You’re Gonna Be…”
“I researched the best baby books, and this one had the best reviews! There are places where you can write letters to your baby!” Shirley explains excitedly. “Do you like it?”
“For the record,” Lupe interrupts, “I told them the book was a bad idea.”
“Lu!” Max scolds
“What? I did!”
When Carson is quiet for a moment, Max starts talking.
“I know this baby wasn’t something you were expecting, but she’s coming. We thought this might be a way for you to connect. You’ve always loved writing…”
“We don’t know that it’s a girl,” Carson interrupts. “It could be… an alien.”
“Wow, Shaw, you have an affair with ET?” Lupe jokes.
“Hey, can you guys get off your asses? Opening is in five!” Jess shouts from the kitchen.
“Shut the hell up, Jess!” Lupe shouts back.
“Have you told Charlie yet?” Max asks.
“Not yet. Shirley, have you finished setting up that dating profile?” Carson changes the subject quickly.
“Well… No, but— It’s hard! There should be more space. How are they supposed to know what I’m like with such a small character limit?”
“Well, Shirley, I think that’s the point of you actually talking to them,” Max offers.
“But— I don’t know.”
“Why don’t you tell us what you have so far?” Carson suggests.
“…Fine.” Shirley pulls her phone out of her pocket, opening up her dating app. “Enthusiastically alive. Ecstatically American. Dynamic and witty, I am a woman of many passions, including a rare vintage baseball card collection.” She pauses, looking to Carson and Max, who offer up tight smiles and a thumbs up. She continues, “Note: I have played Juliet in fifteen community theatre productions of Romeo and Juliet.”
“Wow, Shirl, didn’t know you were an actress,” Carson says.
“Is it too much?”
“Whaaaat? Nooo,” Max says. She’s never been a great liar.
“Oh god, it’s too much!”
“No, no, Shirley, relax. It’s fine!” Carson tries to calm her.
“It’s not fine! Dating apps are not a proper place to meet someone, I’ve said it from the start! What if— What if someone swipes on my profile and I’m not the person they’re expecting? Or what if they aren’t what I’m expecting! They could be colorblind, Carson, do you realize how untrustworthy that is? There are too many variables, Carson, too many! It’s just not worth it!”
“Shirley! Shirley, you’re spiraling,” Carson grabs Shirley by the shoulders, holding her in place. “You are a beautiful, passionate woman. People will know that from your profile. And if they meet you in person and can’t handle you, then they don’t deserve your time anyways. Just— you don’t even have to actually go out with anyone. Finish your profile, swipe on a couple people, and see what happens. No pressure, okay?”
Shirley seems to have calmed significantly.
“Okay. Yeah. Right. Thank you, Carson.”
“Of course, Shirl.”
——————
“Carson! Carson, hey,” Lupe calls, speedwalking towards her. “Look, Sarge is in my section and I really cannot handle her today, would you…?” Lupe trails off, looking at Carson, a hopeful look on her face.
“Sure, Lu, just take my table in the back corner and we’re set.”
“Yes! Thanks, Shaw!” Lupe pats her on the shoulder, running off towards Jess in the kitchen.
Carson takes her pen out of her pocket and head over to the table that Sarge is sitting at, already mentally preparing herself for whatever interaction they’re about to have.
“Morning, Sarge.”
“Alright, Shaw, listen up! I want the special pie, the— Betrayed By My… Betrayed By My Eggs Pie?” Sarge looks up at Carson, a mix of confusion and concern painting her face.
“Alright, Sarge, anything else?” Carson asks, writing Bev’s requests onto her notepad.
“A glass of orange juice. And listen to what I read in the paper today—“
“Sarge, I’ve gotta go put your order in…“
Sarge stares at Carson until she sighs, gesturing for her to go ahead and read it.
“The National Pie Bakeoff will take place in Springfield this year,” Bev reads off, pausing to look up at Carson and comment, “That prize money sure could help, what with that bun in the oven.”
Carson flushes and splutters “Wha— I— I’m not even—“
“Oh please, Mrs. Shaw, I’m not daft. Listen here to the rest of it—
“Last year’s winner spent her prize money on an RV. You should enter!”
“Please, Sarge. My pies are alright but I’m no Sara Lee.”
“The prize money is twenty thousand dollars,” Sarge says, putting her attention back on the newspaper.
“Oh.”
“Mmhmm. Now, d’you want to hear my horoscope?”
“I’m gonna go put your order in now.”
—————
Twenty thousand dollars.
God, that’s— that’d be enough to get her away from Charlie. For good.
—————
On the walk to the bus stop, Carson thinks up new pies.
Jumping Without A Net Bottomless Pie!
Meringue pie topped with strawberry cream.
Getting Out Of The Mud Mud Pie!
Scoops of mocha almond ice cream, sprinkled with bittersweet chocolate morsels and slivered almonds—
“Mrs. Shaw?”
Carson’s head whips around to find Doctor Gill— Greta standing beside her.